Final word has been given on where Anna Nicole Smith’s body will be laid to rest.  Despite initially agreeing with the original ruling handed down by Judge Seidlin in a Florida courtroom, Anna’s mother, Virgie Arthur, later appealed the decision, further extending the inevitable. 

But today, the Florida appeals courts announced they would uphold Judge Seidlin’s decision to award custody to Dannielynn’s guardian Richard Milstein, and most likely she will be buried in the Bahamas.  Arthur, wanted the body buried in her home state of Texas, and everyone else involved in the case wanted her to be buried with her son Daniel in the Bahamas.

And what does Anna want?  To carry on as Trimspa spokeszombie. She also requested a vicodine sandwich with a methadone chaser.

And if you think I am depraved, well you are right.  But I would still have to sink a little bit lower in order to meet the standards of the National Enquirer which ran a picture of a re-created dead Anna Nicole Smith, with the classy headline Anna Nicole: The Last Photo!

Radar Online has the photos and details. The article states that the photo re-creations were ‘based on eyewitness accounts’ and the NE editor-in-chief David Perel proudly states, “If you had our images side-by-side with the actual photos, I don’t know if you’d be able to tell them apart.”

I think she looks at peace.  They did a nice job.  A nice disgraceful job.  I wonder if they are hiring.

Sean “Puffy P. Diddy” Combs gets what he wants, when he wants it.  Including some other dude’s chick. 

A real estate agent named Gerard Rechnitzer filed a complaint against Combs for allegedly punching him in the face.  According to various reports, Mr. Rechnitzer and his girlfriend were leaving the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on Sunday at around 2:30am, when he stopped off to use the restroom.  Upon exiting, he noticed a group of men circled around his girlfriend, with Mr. Combs pressing her to come join them for an after-hours Oscar’s party.  The hotel is directly across from the Kodiak Theatre where the Oscars were held the same night.

Mr. Rechnitzer claims he observed this “chatting up” of his girlfriend for a few minutes (WTF? pansy!) when he finally interrupted and urged his girlfriend to leave with him.  Here’s where it gets fuzzy.  Either Diddy was telling Rechnitzer to piss off and get lost, or the girlfriend was reluctant to walk away from such a stellar opportunity to hang out with some high end thugs - whichever the case - Mr. Rechnitzer stated he was punched in the face so hard he “flew back five feet.” 

Alright, some things don’t add up here.  First of all, if this woman was really his girlfriend and she allowed herself to be surrounded by an entourage of Diddy and his posse, then she is a straight up ho.  I would have Emma Peeled their asses and hit them with my purse and taken a head count, all while filing my nails and checking my profile.  Why?  Because I am secret government agent who models on the side. 

Second of all, Diddy is a rapper.  Not an intimidating gansta rapper, but a lamesta rapper.  He dines on champagne and caviar, not crack and rusty nails.  It’s not like he’s got fists of steel or something.  If he hit a man and knocked him back five feet, then that man was made of lucky charms and marshmallows.  In which case, he deserved to be punched and have his girlfriend leave with the likes of Diddy.  

That said, Diddy’s a punk.  Any real man would have beat Diddy’s ass down, and my man, he would have rolled up on his flaming Harley, head bathed in fire and blown all their asses away.  Yeah, he’s hot!! 

It appears that Ms. Hilton didn’t just have the indignity of having her car impounded, but she was also arrested and may now face up to 90 days in jail for violating her probation on charges stemming from her DUI arrest last year.

Could this story be any more fun?  As I reported earlier, Paris was pulled over for driving without her headlights on.  During this routine stop, it was discovered that she was driving under a suspended license.  Paris pleaded no contest to her DUI charges from her arrest on Sept. 7, 2006.  In return for her plea, her license was suspended and she was placed on a 36-month probation which stipulated that she must “obey all laws.”

The report states that a hearing will be scheduled to determine the fate of Paris Hilton violating the terms of her probation.

While I would love very much for Paris to be stripped of her luxury, freedom and Valtrex - I don’t really think it’s fair to subject criminals to the vile element that is Paris Hilton.  Isn’t there some clause in our constitution that states you will not be subject to cruel and unusual punishment?  And I know our forefathers would agree that Paris Hilton is cruel and unusual.  And definitely a whore. I’ll bet George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are discussing the subtle differences between a skank and whore right now.  That, and decomposing. 

Don’t call me mean, I just report the facts. 

So what did our little tarlet do this time? TMZ is reporting, and Flynet Online has the photos to corroborate the claim, that Hilton was pulled over last night after leaving the Virgin Megastore. Stop, wait a second.  What was Paris doing at a store called Virgin Megastore?  That’s like an oxymoron or something.  I bet that lame ho thought she could buy something that would make people think she was a virgin.  Or maybe Whores-R-Us was closed?

As told by Paris’ publicist Elliot Mintz to TMZ:

 ”[Paris] was exiting the parking structure which “is brightly lit so she had not noticed that her headlights were not activated.” As she drove a few blocks, she was confronted by other bright lights — those of the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.”

I am sure he meant to say, Paris’ isn’t too brightly lit as well, but just forgot.  It was during this stop that the police also discovered she was driving on a suspended license, to which Mintz replied, “If that was the case, she was not aware of it.”

Paris’ 2007 Blue Bentley was impounded.  So sad.

You would think with all the lawyers and handlers a celebrity can buy, one might have bothered to inform her that she was driving under a suspended license.  The courts tend to go out of their way to inform you of such things.  Or so I have heard from third party sources.  Me, I am above the law.

I blame Elliot Mintz for this oversight.  I also blame him for not smacking the snot out of Paris at least twice a day.  A man of his age should possess more dignity and self respect - and a nice right hook.

Reports of a hepatitis scare are causing panic in the streets of Hollywood due to news that an infected cook for the famous Wolfgang Puck Catering company was doing food prep for some major events in recent weeks. 

The biggest event in question was the Sports Illustrated party with attendees like Dreamgirls star, Beyonce Knowles and several supermodels.  The report states the warning spans the SI party which took place on Feb.14 thru the 20th, and includes three other catered events.

Carl Shuster, the president of Wolfgang Puck Catering offered these words of comfort:

“While the risk of infection is low, we will continue to work with the Health Department to bring a speedy and thorough resolution to this investigation. Our catering efforts continue, and we remain confident that our guests will receive the highest standards of excellence for which Wolfgang Puck is known.”

After determining that a prep cook from the company was infected with acute Hepatitis A, the Los Angeles County Department of Health sent alerts and recommended vaccinations for those in attendance at any of the events who may have consumed uncooked food.

The employee in question has been placed on medical leave and most likely won’t be invited to any parties in the near future.

Here are some facts about Hepatitis A:

Symptoms:

jaundice

fatigue

abdominal pain

loss of appetite

nausea

diarrhea

fever

Long Term Effects

There is no chronic (long-term) infection.

Once you have had hepatitis A you cannot get it again.

About 15% of people infected with HAV will have prolonged or relapsing symptoms over a 6-9 month period

Persons At Risk

Household contacts of infected persons

Sex contacts of infected persons

Persons, especially children, living in areas with increased rates of hepatitis A during the baseline period from 1987-1997.

Persons traveling to countries where hepatitis A is common

Men who have sex with men 

Injecting and non-injecting drug users 
 

Based on these facts, everyone in Hollywood must have Hepatitis A.

I ate a frozen Wolfgang Puck pizza once and it gave me diarrhea, I wonder.  I had sex with Paris Hilton once and it gave me cancer of the face, I wonder…..

Rapper Foxy Brown, voted most likely to beat your ass down for messing up her cuticles, has spoken out about her arrest two weeks ago on assault charges.  Brown was booked by Broward County police for an altercation that occurred at a beauty supply store. Brown on her arrest:

“The only crime I am guilty of committing is being a young black female celebrity in Broward County. I am the victim of an overzealous police department who engaged in police brutality and a money-hungry store owner whose motives are for me to pay his mortgage on his house and his children’s tuition.”

Brown is accused of going nuts and squirting hair glue, knocking over displays and spitting at the owner of the store.  Brown claims she was barged in on while using the restroom and dragged out of the store without the courtesy of wipe and a flush.  Damn, that’s how they roll in Florida? 

While I would like to give Foxy the benefit of doubt, homegirl has already been to anger management for busting some beauty professional’s asses, and various “incidences” in the past.  I am almost afraid to post this, as she is three times the badass I will ever be, and man, I am some kind of badass. 

You know Al Sharpton’s all over this one.

Holy Hot And Sweaty Dammits!  I don’t usually go for porn on Tuesdays, but this is the HOTTEST sex scene possibly since Adam and Eve fornicated in the garden. 

From the up and coming (pun intended) movie Black Snake Moan, starring Christina Ricci and Samuel L. Jackson.

Ricci makes Scarlett Johannson look downright ugly.  JT sure gets his pick of the litter.

It seems the folks at VoteForTheWorst.com have uncovered the truth about the illicit photos of American Idol contestant Antonella Barba. They determined that the porn pics available across the web last week are not of Ms. Barba, but some other slut- which kind of pisses me off because it was a breath of fresh air to see an American Idol contestant who knows how to play the skinflute as well as sing. Where’s the range, people?

So all the pervs out there who were looking forward to watching the lovely Antonella blow her pipes while they imagined her blowing doing other stuff will just have to get their kicks off her PG-13 photos. The good news is that those are DEFINITELY pictures of her. Just ask her wonderful “best” friend, Amanda Coluccio, who also auditioned with Antonella for American Idol, but was cut during Hollywood week. Amanda talked to the press about the photos:

“The really bad ones aren’t her. I’ve studied them. It’s not her nose. She’s never had [acrylic nail] tips [like the woman in the photo] in her life. She’s the least slutty person I know.”

That’s totally true. When I was in school, it was the Irish girls who were the sluts. Those damn Italians were freaking prudes. And don’t even get me started on the Polish girls. In fact this whole thing is racialist. What? Do all Italian 20-something girls look alike?

Another friend from Antonella’s home town of Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Mark Dillon, had this to say about the other incriminating photos, including Antonella on the toilet:

“It’s the way this town is: Everybody knows everything about their friends. At least half the people in this town have pictures of their friends on the toilet. I’ve personally seen at least 20. It’s only because she’s on TV that they’re online.”

WTF? I don’t know about you, but Point Pleasant sounds like a place to avoid. What kind of fruity people want pictures of themselves sitting on the toilet? That’s a private moment between me, my toilet and the webcam peephole in the ceiling. It’s called privacy, people. And only if you are willing to pay $19.99 a month are you going to see pictures of me doing No.1, No.2 and No.3. Don’t know what No.3 is? Well, I guess you better get your credit card out.

The final question remaining, is how will any of this controversy affect the aspiring singer? If the past is any kind of predictor, which it isn’t, then who the hell knows? So far, her pictures on the toilet are the most interesting thing about her. Unless she’s going to drop a deuce while singing “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy,” I don’t see much hope for her singing career.

Eddie Murphy is a dickhead.  And that’s why I didn’t root for him to win.  Plus, I haven’t seen Dreamgirls.  Movies starring Beyonce Knowles are not high on my list of things to waste two hours on.  So, yeah, Eddie Murphy got pissy after losing to Alan Arkin for Best Supporting Actor.

My response is: Eddie did you think the Academy Awards would forget A.) you like tranny whores B.) You’re a tempermental hothead C.) You will shamelessly star in any movie that allows you to degrade women of size and color for money, a cheap laugh, and D.) You are a dickhead.

It seems that Mr. Murphy, 45, escorted by girlfriend Tracy Edmonds left almost immediately after the award for Best Supporting Actor was handed out to the non-chalantly accepting Alan Arkin.  Murphy’s response to the loss, “It’s fine. It happens. It’s OK”  which when translated means, “Fuck no. Bullshit. Sham.”  Murphy didn’t bother to stick around to see his castmate, Jennifer Hudson win her award or the Dreamgirls performance starring Hudson and Beyonce for the awards show.  Man, what self-absorbed prick.

I bet Scary Spice enjoyed watching the Oscars, and most likely a whole box of Krispy Kremes too. Pic source.

Cameron Diaz is launching her own anti-drug campaign.  Because nothing scares the young kids like a raging case of the fug. 

KIDS don’t smoke pot, or the fug will get you.  Unless of course you are me, in which case bong-hits make you look like this*

*disclaimer, smoking pot will NOT make you look like Grace Kelly - it only works on me.