Anna Nicole’s Parenting Tips For A Sexy Baby
AM I SEXY OR WHAT?
Hold on to your hat folks, ‘cuz I’m about to blow yo’ mind. The latest in the ongoing Anna Nicole Smith roundtable of outrageous claims comes from legal documents filed by the deceased star’s former nanny to TMZ. And the claims aren’t just outrageous, they are f*cking otherworldly insane. Like Jim Jones-Koolaid crazy. Like Michael Jackson Neverland-crazy. Like the craziest nonsense you’ve ever read in your entire life. So crazy in fact, that if half these claims are true, Anna’s death may have been the single greatest event in human history.
I am NOT responsible if your whole brain explodes after reading this.
According to a Ms. Quethlie Alexis, as Anna’s former nanny, she was instructed to “underfeed” Smith’s baby Dannielynn, now five-months-old, to keep her ’sexy.’ From the legal affividate given to Bahamian officials, Ms. Alexis states:
“Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was ’sexy.’ Ms. Marshall knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours … Ms. Marshall insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces.”
Ms. Alexis said Smith made sure she complied by “making sure the baby monitor was kept on all the time.” Alexis also stated Dannielynn “is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should.”
Now that’s what I call dedication. Anna can’t manage to string a coherent sentence together, but homegirl had a 24-hour monitor on her nanny making sure Dannielynn maintains her girlish baby figure. Seriously, I would have punched my fist through the back of Anna’s skull were I in the room to hear this crap.
Alexis was also warned that Anna would “shoot her” if the baby ever called her “mummy.” WTF kind of fruitcake thinks this kind of excrement up and then has the temerity to say outloud? Again, Anna and I would have had a throw down if her fatass threatened me. Bitch would have found herself shoved down a flight of stairs.
Speaking of which, Ms. Alexis said Anna had a death wish too, and tried to kill herself twice to the nanny’s knowledge.
“On the first occasion, she drank in my presence an entire bottle of what I believed to be a sleeping aid.” Alexis claims that when Smith woke up from the resulting 48-hour coma, she blurted out the words “I wanted to die … I meant to kill myself.”
The second time was revealed by Howard K. Stern soon after Anna’s death. In that instance, Anna tried to drown herself in the pool at her Bahamian home, but was discovered and saved by Stern. Alexis claims she heard Howard tell Anna, “If anything happens to you, I would go to jail.”
There are also sexual allegations involving Anna and the Bahamian Immigrations Minister. Ms. Alexis, though never witnessing the two having sex, saw Anna and the minister “spend hours alone with Ms. Marshall (Anna Nicole) in her bedroom” on a “daily basis.”
In an separate story, it seems that Anna was scoring methadone and demoral while eight months pregnant. Sweet baby Jesus in a leotard, the Anna Nicole news is getting out of hand. High as a kite, screwing Bahamian officials, attempting suicide, threatening nannies, maintaining baby sexiness – has anyone considered that Anna Nicole might be the anti-Christ?
I would not be in the least bit surprised if the next thing we hear was that Anna was a superhuman vampire living off the life-blood of virgins.
Honestly, Howard K. Stern is starting to look like a regular pillar of the community, a stand-up guy if you will. Hot damn, that was one crazy bitch!
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Holy shit! I’m not even going to bother explaining why I can’t do the ironing now.
I am a paragon of virtue, Mother Superior, Domestic Goddess, Jesus himself, after hearing that.
In fact, I’m planning on riding this one for the rest of the week…
Comment by Claire Carroll — February 15, 2007 @ 2:10 am
Sweet Noah’s nutsack, this is some crazy shit.
All I can say is this: I would have sold someone’s soul to see you and Anna in a steel cage death match. That would have been tremendous.
Comment by DJRadiohead — February 15, 2007 @ 10:56 am
holy mother of god! that’s all i’ve got to say… coz that baby needs some sort of mother looking out for her. you’re right – i’m beginning to feel sorry for scumbag stern. the conspiracy theorist in me wonders if he’s orchestrating this then?
but i totally believe the “sexy baby” thing. completely.
Comment by Amrita — February 15, 2007 @ 11:58 am
Yes, we have reached a whole new level of crazy. As far as Anna and me in a cage-match, she outweighed by at least 20 pounds and has about 4 inches on me, that said, I whip her ass with my ninja like moves.
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 15, 2007 @ 2:54 pm
Trophy babies! Another sign of the Apocalypse…
Comment by GL Hauptfleisch — February 15, 2007 @ 7:07 pm
GL, you saw it here first!
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 15, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
she’s bringin’ sexy back
Comment by D-Bomb — February 16, 2007 @ 7:38 am
This is so sad and frightening. You would like to think that the baby has a hope for a normal life now that her mother is dead, but what kind of nut cases are going to be glomming on her now? Is there anyone within the circle of family and friends that gives a shit about this little girl and would give her a normal life, complete with food and a safe home environ? I wish I could be funny about this but I can’t.
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