Britney Spears Universally Mocked; Exes K-Fed and JT Bond, Share a Hug
When we last left our forlorn Britney, she was nursing a broken heart after being unceremoniously dumped by Isaac Cohen, her boyfriend of less than a month, who then went on to tell sordid details of their brief affair to anyone who would listen.
But while Britney was busy whoring it up in New York and puking gallons of cham-pag-ne all over her SUV, her exes, K-Fed and Justin Timberlake were engaging in man-hugs and backslapping camaraderie in Los Angeles.
Let’s break it down.Â
Last week, Britney flew to New York for Fashion Week with sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to attend several fashion events.  Britney tried to put on a brave face and even took a shower, but her newly darkened hair could not disguise the inner skank beneath. In what was supposed to be an opportunity for the pop-princess to clean up her act and strut her stuff, she instead engaged in one embarrassing stunt after another.
Initially, rumors stated that Britney bailed on a Heatherette show she was scheduled to attend to avoid running into her former mate Paris Hilton. Back in December the two became fast friends, but they have since fallen out over reports stating that Paris called Britney an “animal” in reference to her unseemly behavior. That’s rich. Anyway, it seems that the true cause for Brit’s immediate departure from the show was actually due to an even more humiliating revelation.Â
Britney was slated for front-row seating at the show, were she would be sporting a clutch designed by heiress Lydia Hearst and Heatherette designers Richie Rich and Traver Raines. In a blatant attempt at product placement, Britney was to be photographed prominently displaying the purse, but when Britney arrived and requested the clutch, she was “politely declined.” Britney immediately left the show, most likely red-faced and in a huff.  Hearst explains her actions indirectly, but pointedly:
“I’m only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them. They are women I look up to and respect, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and Anne Hathaway. They share the same high standards of giving back to the communities in which they live.”
What? Britney not accomplished and doing positive things? That’s some damn slander there. She has done more for the prostitution industry than any other. Bitches.
Britney, brain-dead and undetered, spent nearly ever night out in New York drunk and causing all kinds of controversy.  Like drinking too much at hot spot Tenjune and vomiting all over her SUV, and one night she decided to trade in her hooker attire for a go-go get up while at NY nightclub One.
It seems Britney was displeased with her ill-fitting red satin dress and asked the dancers at the club if she could trade outfits. By the end of the night Britney was wearing a bikini, fishnets and a busboy coat – a serious improvement over the first outfit.   Predictably, after dirty-dancing with several similarly dressed dancers, Britney ended her night at another club supposedly unconscious and carried out like a sack of potatoes.Â
Jesus, if this isn’t a cry for help, then what is?Â
I am guessing that Britney is spending Valentine’s Day by enjoying several anonymously sent bouquets of flowers with messages like “Happy Valentine’s Day from me to you, I have an STD and now, so do you” and “The time we spent was special indeed, but can you please explain why it burns when I pee?” And so on and so forth.Â
Can anyone blame Britney for drowning herself in booze. A source close to the fading star say she’s “desperate and depressed.” And the news of her exes Kevin Federline and Justin Timberlake bonding in Hollywood are only making things worse. It seems the two men ran into each other at a pre-Grammy concert at LA nightclub Avalon, where Justin was performing with Nelly Furtado, The Black Eyed Peas and Timbaland. As reported here, the two “shared a hug and few words.”Â
That’s seems innocent enough, except for the fact that many sources claim that Britney has been attempting to reunite with former flame JT and seeing her two exes yukking it up was a major bubble-burster. That and the fact that he’s banging hotties, Scarlett Johannson and Jessica Biel – possibly in tandem.
We may never know what the two men said, but I’ll bet terms like ”sloppy seconds,” ”rode hard,” “ball and chain,” “dodged a bullet” and “hot lesbian ten-somes” were used.
Someone better check Brit’s fridge for gallon-sized jugs of methadone and spray butter – or we will have learned nothing of diet-induced tragedies.
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haha this is funny!! whoever writes this is a grrrreat comedian, that’s why i read it all the time!! keep up the good work
Comment by chunkyblubber69 — February 14, 2007 @ 4:39 pm
Well chunkyblubber69 (what an interesting name) you have great taste. Thanks!!
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 14, 2007 @ 5:47 pm
What? Britney not accomplished and doing positive things? That’s some damn slander there. She has done more for the prostitution industry than any other. Bitches.
Somebody shud get her a tour to holland. If things dont work out there, she’d be an even bigger cashcow there
Comment by manfred — February 14, 2007 @ 6:48 pm
“The time we spent was special indeed, but can you please explain why it burns when I pee?â€
LOL! I wish this would end up on a Hallmark card. I’m astounded though, that you’d compare JT with Fed-Ex. The two only share one thing in common. Other than that, they’re nothing alike. JT is an accomplished, multi-platinum, Grammy-Award winning singer who’s crossing over into acting. Fed-Ex is well, an inhuman sperminator. Hell, even Weird Al hates him, and Weird Al is normally cool with everyone!
Comment by Kaonashi — February 14, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
Kaonashi,
Well, in theory I wasn’t “comparing” them to each other, with exception to the one thing they have in common.
I love JT, K-Fed not so much.
Btw, I was very impressed with your trivia knowledge and guessing the correct actor AND movie back about 20 posts ago. You rock!!
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 14, 2007 @ 8:42 pm
While I sit in hysterics over your (always) deliciously scathing reviews of our most popular role models, I couldn’t help but be distracted by two elephants in the room.
And by elephantine I mean THE MONSTROUS THIGH ISSUES of the subject of our discussion. What the hell!
and the presumably elephantine proportions of another commenter “chunkyblubber69″. Ewww. ok…Why?
Comment by Claire Carroll — February 15, 2007 @ 2:03 am
Hehe, thanks! That’s me, the keeper of vast amounts of movie trivia. Besides, I love 80s John Hughes films!
Comment by Kaonashi — February 15, 2007 @ 3:07 am