Antonella Barba Needs To Shake It Off, Suck It Up
Okay, so I have done a little research on this whole “American Idol Naked Pics” thing and because I am like 200 hundred+ years old (in dog years, that is) I know some things, about some things.
First off, Antonella has shitty friends. Not, “hey let’s hang out” and then blow you off shitty, but like, “I am going to rape your mind in front of millions of people as you teeter on the edge of fame, only to watch you fall into the abyss of obscurity” shitty.
So, I offer some words of caution. Do not allow yourself to be pictured doing the following things: going potty, posing half-nude in front of memorials, hanging out half-naked with lesser attractive friends at the beach, and definitely not while giving some kind of mercy knob-washing to the stunted peen of some fat dude.
Maybe you better write it down, take notes, or put it in your blackberry- because no matter how much you think you know a person, sometimes they will screw you sideways, frontways, and up the whaazoo.
Lest you think I am judging or hating on Antonella, I am not. I realize that she is a victim of this whole “It’s All About Me” generation shit I keep blathering on about. These girls see Paris Hilton whorfing coke off some guy’s chest and bragging about getting poked in the butt for drugs, and they think “hey, I can do that too. On film, even.”
It’s not just stupid, it’s careless. Paris Hilton is a bazillionaire and doesn’t need to be famous to live like a Riviera whore, but you, on the other hand, are trying to be on American Idol- a show that is won based on what people think of you, and ostensibly, your singing talent.
If you wanted to try out for American T&A, you will have to get in line behind the other five million girls out there who are saddled with low self esteem, shitty parents, and miscontrued ideas of what it means to be famous.
So, with all that said, I have some advice for Antonella and how she should handle all this unwanted attention. And I have to assume it’s unwanted, because she sure looked bewildered when she wasn’t cut last week. I know I was.
Antonella, listen up:
Don’t be shy and don’t be embarrassed. You paid good money for those breasts and by golly you flaunt them. May I even be so bold as to suggest you wear tassels and go up there and do some kind of Dita Von Teese routine. Smile that big gummy smile and strut your stuff.
Don’t look back. There is no going back to New Joi-sey now. Your friends who leaked those pictures are ruthless bilgerats who swill gutter water. On a scale of 1 to 10, they rate a minus 30 and deserve to be ass-raped by an gang of angry Latin illegals. For reals, they suck.
Your parents can be shamed no more, so just go all out. Hold your head high and sing like a caged bird or something.
Do that whole “dance like no one is watching, sing like you can carry a tune thing.” And stand firm in the knowledge that you did an extreme kindness to some fat loser by tongue bathing his microscopic woohoo.
And above all, remember, you are already a champion in my eye.
(cue Queen’s “We are the champions”)
Pink Stripe WordPress Theme Designed by Joni Mueller &
What Binds Anna Nicole, Egyptian Blogger, Barba And Train Blasts?
Most of you won’t be interested in knowing that this was supposed to be my first pod cast and why would you since it sounds as wimpy as when people talk about their first wank, date, kiss, fuck – did…
Trackback by Things That Bang — February 24, 2007 @ 1:40 pm
Here here! And those goes double for the 200+ assholes who harshed her mellow in the comment therad with those pix.
Comment by lou — February 24, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
I have scrutinized the evidence of the mercy knob-washing to the stunted peen of some fat dude at great length (although that seems debatable) and have come to some disturbing conclusions.
It seems that our dear Antonella seems also to have hoovered off this guy’s pubic hair. What’s going on down there? Is there stubble? Eeewww
Comment by The Domestic Minx — February 25, 2007 @ 5:27 am
Truly this is an example on the wisdom (not) of dumping your boyfriend just because you gain a spot on A.I. Seems the Jilted One is soon to be releasing a birthday calendar Antonella had created for him on this site next… Perhaps the Jilted One and her BFF are ‘tag-teaming’ her?
Reasons that she remained on Idol, you ask? That can perhaps be attributed to the efforts of that endearing Anti-Idol Site, and maybe her ‘friends’ back in Joisey. Seems “news” had surfaced that we’d be seeing even more of her - “news” proving accurate.
Comment by Jewels — February 25, 2007 @ 9:53 am
This is why I’m never, ever going to become a celebrity, pseudo-celeb, or be in the spotlight in any way. I’ve done some stupid shit in college which has been photographed and should never see the light of day
Comment by Kaonashi — February 26, 2007 @ 1:08 pm
[...] of photographs f American Idol contestant Antonella Barba circling the internet. One set of photos is legit, the other set turned out to be less. Neither set rates as particularly [...]
Pingback by Best Music Blogs » BCRadio Podcast - February 27, 2007: American Idol´s Antonella Barba and Ace Frehley — February 28, 2007 @ 5:14 am
[...] let’s not forget our little Internet Princess of the Week, Antonella Barba. Yes, I know that the blowjob pictures are not of her, but those other [...]
Pingback by American Idol 6, Episode 14: Top Ten Girls at NoFace for Film — March 1, 2007 @ 2:18 am
[...] years old (in dog years, that is) I know some things, about some things.[…] Thanks to dmdo1016 for providing this nice story on Digg (more than 14 [...]
Pingback by Idol’s Antonella Barba Needs To Shake It Off, Suck It Up « Promi News — October 31, 2007 @ 3:38 pm