The Oscars: Gays, Blacks and Jews - Where Would We Be Without Them?
That was the question asked by Academy Awards host Ellen Degeneres who kicked Chris Rock in the ballsack last night. No, seriously she ninja-ed his berries, well metaphorically anyway. Unlike his attempts to host the Oscars last year, she was not only funny and inoffensive, but entertaining - and she knows how to rock a pantsuit. In fact the whole Academy Awards show was well-produced and fun to watch. 
It was a “Celebrate Diversity, Celebrate Your Nomination, Celebrate Your Gayness, Your Blackness and Most Definitely if you are a producer/director/exec - embrace your Jew-a -ish-ness.” Which, in light of the unhinged KKK/Nazi-fueled rhetoric we have been forced to endure this last year from the entertainment industry, it actually felt really nice. A natural progression of our time. Ellen makes a good point, without the diversity of having gay people, African-Americans and those of Jewish ancestry, we might not have a Hollywood. Or at least not a successfully marketed, soulful and well-coiffed one anyway.
In fact, I was commenting to my life partner that even five years ago, there’s no way that Melissa Etheridge would have been able to comfortably get up there, huge lesbian ass and all, and thank her wife. Yes, her wife. I was like, ‘Wow, just rub that in Isaiah Washington’s face why don’t you?’
I love Hollywood. Nothing says “We hate you middle America and your bible-thumping discriminatory ways you repressed fucks,” like a bunch of openly gay men discussing women’s fashion. I especially love Jay Manuel, he’s so gay I bet he poops rainbows and hearts. I must say, he had a lot of nerve talking smack on the red carpet dressing like he does. Crippes.Â
And I hope Michael Richards and Mel Gibson were choking on their hate-flakes and milk this morning as Forest Whitaker and his scary wonk eye took home the Best Actor Award. Dude is forceful, passionate and his wife is HOT! You work that creepy eye dude, you are a FREAKING WINNER!!! (I loved him in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that’s how cool, and old, I am.)
Jennifer Hudson, as the entire universe predicted, won Best Supporting Actress.  As Jennifer accepted her Oscar, the camera panned to Beyonce, whose eyes were wet with tears and you just know she was thinking kind thoughts for her co-star. Things like, “you must not know ’bout me,” “I’m bootylicious,” and “Bitch, I am Beyonce! One name, you dig,” all while smiling. Now that’s what I call acting!
Helen Mirren, who won the Oscar for Best Actress portraying Queen Elizabeth in The Queen is a damned goddess. She made those other women who are half her age look like rotting zombies.Â
Martin Scorsese FINALLY won an Oscar, despite being ignored in the most shameful way for the last thirty years. Seriously, that’s the work of voodoo. You don’t make movies like Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Aviator, Cape Fear and not win ONE Oscar. That’s like saying Jesus didn’t perform enough miracles, so we aren’t going to call him the messiah. Unless you are Jewish, and then I guess it’s okay. The Aviator was one of the best movies I have ever seen, and The Departed was amazing. Which may explain why it won Best Picture.
Which brings me to my last point. I am totally happy that Forest Whitaker won. He’s seems really great, but what does Leonardo DiCaprio have to do to win an Oscar? Stop dating supermodels? Adopt an orphan? Go gay? He’s got the Scorsese taint on him. He’s like the greatest actor of modern times and he’ll have to wait for his award posthumously. He needs to get away from the Scors - that guy’s got bad Oscar mojo or something.
I am sure I have left off some great moments, like Will Ferrell and Jack Black doing the “why don’t comedians ever win an oscar” routine. Which, by the way, is a good point. Making me laugh is infinitely cooler than making me cry.Â
Honestly, crying should be saved for this face:
 
Speaking of which, what was the problem with Kiki Dunst? I like her, I actually think her snagglepuss is pretty, but she looked downright busted in the joint last night. As Jay said, ‘those bangs ain’t workin’ honey.’ And cap sleeves? Ugh.
 
Nicole Kidman looked straight-up injected. She looked like a damn mannquin standing next to a real human. What’s up with her face? It is okay to have a wrinkle dammit, just look at Keith. He seems to be embracing his age. What is he, like 60 now?
Jack Nicholson was coked up. Totally. That’s it. This picture makes me want to bust out some John Cougar Melloncamp.
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awww, poor maggie gyllenhall: any girl who can make me actually believe james spader (!) is her ideal man has my vote in the acting dept. Of course thats not what you said but still… if that weird bro of hers can be called handsome, she can be pretty.
And Leo’s never gonna win until he’s old and married to some troll. They can’t give him EVERYTHING now can they?
Comment by Amrita — February 26, 2007 @ 1:21 pm
You make a good point Amrita, Leo has the good life.
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 26, 2007 @ 1:41 pm
Great view, but Cape Fear was DiPalma, not Marty.
Comment by Kanrei — February 26, 2007 @ 2:08 pm
IMHO, I think Martin Scorcese’s best movie was The Last Temptation of Christ for which not only he, but Willem Dafoe also deserved to win an Oscar for best actor. Unfortunately, everyone went off the deep end about the “blasphemous” nature of the movie, when to be honest, it was anything but…
Comment by Sib — February 26, 2007 @ 2:09 pm
Kanrei,
Cape Fear was Scorcese.
Comment by Iffonly — February 26, 2007 @ 2:29 pm
I was pretty sure I checked my IMDB source on that one, but thanks for the info Iffonly.
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 26, 2007 @ 2:46 pm
I stand corrected. I would have sworn it was DePalma, but IMDB never lies. I am sorry.
Comment by Kanrei — February 26, 2007 @ 3:27 pm
You can compliment Rosie O w/out damning Chris Rock. Why the necessity to invoke his name? Ellen was a good little non-controversial lesbian who did a creditable job. That’s it. Chris Rock did his job. What’ the need to backhand him? Jeez!
Comment by Eva Perez — February 26, 2007 @ 4:07 pm
I guess because I thought he sucked and wasn’t nearly as funny as Ellen, who I find to have excellent comedic timing without being a total cocksucker.
Does that explain it for you?
Um, and I don’t know if you were being sarcastic or what, but it wasn’t Rosie. Hatin’ on the gays I see. Sheesh, can’t we all just get along?
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 26, 2007 @ 4:31 pm
Kirsten Dunst looked fabulous, age-appropriate and yet chic.
Comment by Mommkf — February 26, 2007 @ 8:56 pm
Leo will be the Raul Julia of his generation where he will be dead and then get his Oscar.
Comment by Rosie — February 27, 2007 @ 2:18 am
Um, didn’t Jon Stewart host last year?
Comment by JG — February 27, 2007 @ 8:52 am
Did he? Could be. See, he was so boring I didn’t even remember him. I just remember Chris being stiff, angry and boring.
Honestly, I want Carrot Top to host the Oscars. Class it up a notch I say.
Comment by dmdo1016 — February 27, 2007 @ 11:29 am
Ali G hosts the 2008 Oscars……{I’m gonna click my heels together 3 times}
Comment by D-Bomb — February 27, 2007 @ 4:50 pm