Donald Rumsfeld a nuke-happy, petty, little runt - Radar Online

Just one reason Paris Hilton thinks she’s hot stuff - Janet Charlton

Alan Arkin is a sensible kid-hater - A Socialite’s Life

Britney Spears sees dead people, or at least wants to  - I Don’t Like You In That Way

Anna again honored in death as she was in life - TMZ

The fug comes out at night - WWTDD

Paris is such a bitch.  Can’t I even be given the opportunity to bask in the afterglow of the Oscars without uber-skank Hilton screwing things up?  I guess the answer is no, as we now have not only Paris Hilton reduced to tears, but poor Paula Abdul attacked by the notoriously greasy and smelly oil heir Brandon Davis.

When we last heard from the dynamic-duo (and when I say dynamic, what I really mean is can someone please shove these two a-holes off a cliff?  Seriously, I’m not kidding, they need to plunge to a rocky bluff many feet below) they were harassing Lindsay Lohan in the now infamous “Firecrotchgate” scandal of last summer.  That fiasco ruined a good two weeks of my life while we had to endure both the cackling of the Hilton and greaseslick of the Davis.

In Day 15 of the ongoing 26th birthday of Paris Hilton we find ourselves at The Prime Grill in Beverly Hills where Parisite and her pals are enjoying a fine meal with guests including Nicole Richie (she eats now?) and current boyfriend Joel Madden, Courtney Love, her daughter Francis Bean and special guest Paula Abdul to celebrate the celebutard’s birthday.. 

Paula was supposed to sing “Happy Birthday” to Paris (geez, these people are frickin’ lame) but never got the chance. It seems Brandon was so drunk and obnoxious he started throwing flowers at Abdul and then tossing flower-holders at the American Idol judge.  The always demure and dignified Abdul hung in there until he starting using some mock “arabic” accent and asking her to “lick his [flaccid peen]” and she finally left in a huff.

As if that wasn’t enough sophistication for you, Brandon then moved on to Courtney Love and started humping her while spewing “I want to squirt on you!”  All under the observation of Courtney’s daughter Francis.  I bet Kurt didn’t like that.

We’re told Paris finally broke down and kicked him out after bursting into tears, most likely screaming “boohoo, why do all my friends have to be such useless pieces of rotted raw sewage.”  Or something like that.  TMZ says the two must of patched things up, as they were seen together at an Oscar after-party.

I don’t often question my faith in God, but when I am forced to read this crap, it leaves me wondering.  “Curse you Ebola, can’t you leave the poor villages of Africa alone and instead pop up in Paris Hilton’s crotch?”  Wow, that might kill half of Hollywood come to think of it.  Not the good half, but still.

That was the question asked by Academy Awards host Ellen Degeneres who kicked Chris Rock in the ballsack last night.  No, seriously she ninja-ed his berries, well metaphorically anyway.  Unlike his attempts to host the Oscars last year, she was not only funny and inoffensive, but entertaining - and she knows how to rock a pantsuit.  In fact the whole Academy Awards show was well-produced and fun to watch. 

It was a “Celebrate Diversity, Celebrate Your Nomination, Celebrate Your Gayness, Your Blackness and Most Definitely if you are a producer/director/exec - embrace your Jew-a -ish-ness.”  Which, in light of the unhinged KKK/Nazi-fueled rhetoric we have been forced to endure this last year from the entertainment industry, it actually felt really nice.  A natural progression of our time.  Ellen makes a good point, without the diversity of having gay people, African-Americans and those of Jewish ancestry, we might not have a Hollywood.  Or at least not a successfully marketed, soulful and well-coiffed one anyway.

In fact, I was commenting to my life partner that even five years ago, there’s no way that Melissa Etheridge would have been able to comfortably get up there, huge lesbian ass and all, and thank her wife.  Yes, her wife.  I was like, ‘Wow, just rub that in Isaiah Washington’s face why don’t you?’

I love Hollywood.  Nothing says “We hate you middle America and your bible-thumping discriminatory ways you repressed fucks,” like a bunch of openly gay men discussing women’s fashion.  I especially love Jay Manuel, he’s so gay I bet he poops rainbows and hearts.  I must say, he had a lot of nerve talking smack on the red carpet dressing like he does. Crippes. 

And I hope Michael Richards and Mel Gibson were choking on their hate-flakes and milk this morning as Forest Whitaker and his scary wonk eye took home the Best Actor Award.  Dude is forceful, passionate and his wife is HOT! You work that creepy eye dude, you are a FREAKING WINNER!!!  (I loved him in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that’s how cool, and old, I am.)

Jennifer Hudson, as the entire universe predicted, won Best Supporting Actress.  As Jennifer accepted her Oscar, the camera panned to Beyonce, whose eyes were wet with tears and you just know she was thinking kind thoughts for her co-star. Things like, “you must not know ’bout me,” “I’m bootylicious,” and “Bitch, I am Beyonce! One name, you dig,” all while smiling. Now that’s what I call acting!

Helen Mirren, who won the Oscar for Best Actress portraying Queen Elizabeth in The Queen is a damned goddess.  She made those other women who are half her age look like rotting zombies. 

Martin Scorsese FINALLY won an Oscar, despite being ignored in the most shameful way for the last thirty years.  Seriously, that’s the work of voodoo.  You don’t make movies like Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Aviator, Cape Fear and not win ONE Oscar.  That’s like saying Jesus didn’t perform enough miracles, so we aren’t going to call him the messiah.  Unless you are Jewish, and then I guess it’s okay.  The Aviator was one of the best movies I have ever seen, and The Departed was amazing. Which may explain why it won Best Picture.

Which brings me to my last point.  I am totally happy that Forest Whitaker won.  He’s seems really great, but what does Leonardo DiCaprio have to do to win an Oscar?  Stop dating supermodels? Adopt an orphan? Go gay?  He’s got the Scorsese taint on him.  He’s like the greatest actor of modern times and he’ll have to wait for his award posthumously.  He needs to get away from the Scors - that guy’s got bad Oscar mojo or something.

But wait, there’s more…

Superman, Wonderwoman, Aquaman, Batman and the Flash are set to star side by side in a live-action film. Warner Brothers, drooling at the prospects of capitalizing on the popularity of comic book heroes on the silver screen, have greenlighted the project.

I think I just dropped a deuce in my pants. Can you imagine all that superheroness in one movie? We just bought the sleek and newly redone Justice League Seasons One and Two for my son. But seeing how he’s three and not old enough to appreciate the dark, brooding and sophisticated modern superheroes, I am the only one who is willing to watch them. Something about the vague lesbian nature of Wonderwomen makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Speaking of which, there is something very familiar about that Super Friends logo. Doesn’t GLAAD have that same logo? If not, they should totally borrow it. Look at them - all super-inclusive and whatnot. Heroes of all shapes, sizes, gender, species. Every damn color in the superhero rainbow.

Since I am total dork and have a son OBSESSED with superheroes, whether of the Marvel or DC variety, you know our asses will be all over it when it comes out.

I wonder if they will do a live action of the Ambiguously Gay Duo? Wait, wasn’t that called Broke Back Mountain?

I hate to be real Debbie Downer, but if I can take some personal liberties here, kind of like child molestors do with kids, I want to express how NOT shocked I am that some ACLU dickbag was arrested on child pornography charges in connection with some kind of world-wide sting operation.

Not only was CHARLES RUST-TIERNAY (remember that name large angry inmates) a criminal defense lawyer and former president for the Virginia ACLU chapter, but he was a youth sports coach in and around Arlington, Virginia.  Comforting huh? 

According to the complaint, Mr. Rust-Tiernay had belonged to a child pornography site for several years and had in his possession downloaded videos of young girls - and I won’t even add more than that because I will be forced to kill something. 

Needless to say, the ACLU which I think stands for A-hole Crack-head Liberals United will surely be first to defend him, because let’s face it, they love them some child porn. 

It is my sincerest hope that this guy, MR. CHARLES RUST-TIERNAY, finds himself on the business-end of some infected wang. 

Okay, so I have done a little research on this whole “American Idol Naked Pics” thing and because I am like 200 hundred+ years old (in dog years, that is) I know some things, about some things.

First off, Antonella has shitty friends. Not, “hey let’s hang out” and then blow you off shitty, but like, “I am going to rape your mind in front of millions of people as you teeter on the edge of fame, only to watch you fall into the abyss of obscurity” shitty.

So, I offer some words of caution. Do not allow yourself to be pictured doing the following things: going potty, posing half-nude in front of memorials, hanging out half-naked with lesser attractive friends at the beach, and definitely not while giving some kind of mercy knob-washing to the stunted peen of some fat dude.

Maybe you better write it down, take notes, or put it in your blackberry- because no matter how much you think you know a person, sometimes they will screw you sideways, frontways, and up the whaazoo.

Lest you think I am judging or hating on Antonella, I am not. I realize that she is a victim of this whole “It’s All About Me” generation shit I keep blathering on about. These girls see Paris Hilton whorfing coke off some guy’s chest and bragging about getting poked in the butt for drugs, and they think “hey, I can do that too. On film, even.”

It’s not just stupid, it’s careless. Paris Hilton is a bazillionaire and doesn’t need to be famous to live like a Riviera whore, but you, on the other hand, are trying to be on American Idol- a show that is won based on what people think of you, and ostensibly, your singing talent.

If you wanted to try out for American T&A, you will have to get in line behind the other five million girls out there who are saddled with low self esteem, shitty parents, and miscontrued ideas of what it means to be famous.

So, with all that said, I have some advice for Antonella and how she should handle all this unwanted attention. And I have to assume it’s unwanted, because she sure looked bewildered when she wasn’t cut last week. I know I was.

Antonella, listen up:

Don’t be shy and don’t be embarrassed. You paid good money for those breasts and by golly you flaunt them. May I even be so bold as to suggest you wear tassels and go up there and do some kind of Dita Von Teese routine. Smile that big gummy smile and strut your stuff.

Don’t look back. There is no going back to New Joi-sey now. Your friends who leaked those pictures are ruthless bilgerats who swill gutter water. On a scale of 1 to 10, they rate a minus 30 and deserve to be ass-raped by an gang of angry Latin illegals. For reals, they suck.

Your parents can be shamed no more, so just go all out. Hold your head high and sing like a caged bird or something.

Do that whole “dance like no one is watching, sing like you can carry a tune thing.” And stand firm in the knowledge that you did an extreme kindness to some fat loser by tongue bathing his microscopic woohoo.

And above all, remember, you are already a champion in my eye.

(cue Queen’s “We are the champions”)

Yes, I know that’s what you came here for.  But since this is a classy establishment I don’t post naked pics. 

Or I should say I don’t own those naked pics, but I know who does…….

And if that’s too high class for you, go here already, I know these perverts have something that’ll wet your whistle.

I’ll tell you what, if homegirl doesn’t make it on American Idol, she is sure to make it in Maxim.  Or at least HugeJugs.com*

*I don’t know if that is a real website but hey, can’t hurt to google it.

Another fly tip from Dee at desicritics.org

It seems that celebrity “gangstaR” Perez Hilton (real name Mario Lavandeira) is being sued again according to this report in The Smoking Gun. This time for posting an “allegedly” stolen photo of Jennifer Aniston’s breasts. The photo (when I saw it), appeared to be scanned from a magazine, was cut from the film “The Break-Up,” a 2006 comedy which Aniston starred in with then boyfriend, Vince Vaughn.

The images were never meant to be seen and the Universal Pictures lawsuit against Lavandeira is seeking an “injunction barring further distribution of the picture and requests a court order ‘directing the U.S. Marshall to seize’ the copyrighted material from the blogger.” No monetary damages are being sought, which makes me wonder why exactly they are bothering with a lawsuit. The cat’s already out of the bag, or the bra in this case.

Unless, of course, they are trying to make a point. Aniston has been viciously targeted by Lavandeira many times and he’s not so playfully dubbed her “Maniston.” My guess it was more a bitchslap than anything- which is amusing in any case. I remember seeing the original picture on Perez’s site and he never said where he got it from, but I doubt he snuck in all Mission Impossible:2 style and stole it. Most likely it was passed on to him under nefarious circumstances.

To be honest, what celebrity writer wouldn’t post a picture like that? We’re all dirty rotten scoundrels.
But wait, there’s more…

TMZ has pictures of former OC star, Mischa Barton, cruising L.A. enjoying some sort of herbal remedy.  I had no idea she suffered from glaucoma.  Mmmm..smells skunky.

Speaking of which, since it’s Friday, Ali G is here to skool you on the dangers of drugs. Respek!

photo source: Flynet

Now look, I like Harry Potter. In fact if it wasn’t for the Harry Potter series of books I might have completely lost my ability to read. Because let’s face it, I am not smart. But who needs smarts when you are as charming as I am? Who I tell you?

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Harry Potter. So there I was, innocently checking out one my favorite celeb sites and I see this picture of Danny boy, and low and behold: full frontal nudity. I asked myself (as a fan of the series and all) do I really want to know what his business looks like? I mean what if the next time I see one of the movies I am driven to madness with that filthy image seared into my memory? Sheesh, I already spend too much on therapy.

Alas, I threw caution to the wind. What’s one more pornographic image in a never-ending series of images that have long since sealed my fate. So I give it a looksy and DAMN, wouldn’t you know it, that sucker was unshorn. It had foreskin and stuff on it. Like, not cool man. Totally not cool.

As if it’s not bad enough that Daniel has taken the children’s series to a level it never should have gone, what with starring in a play about a dude who has sex with horses and girls? Now he’s showing his freaky-looking dong for all the world to see. I understand Daniel the Actor wanting to spread his wings and show his range, but come on, couldn’t he have chosen something a little more kosher for the kid? (Bad pun intended!)

Dude’s pretty hung though. Not that I noticed. Isn’t he like underage or something? Seriously, NSFW picture after the jump. But I warn you, don’t look if you’ve never seen one with its helmet off. IT’S NOT PRETTY!

But wait, there’s more…