Judge Larry Seidlin reached a decision in the Anna Nicole Smith hearing to determine who would decide the final resting place of Anna’s body.  Dannielynn’s court appointed guardian Richard Milstein was awarded the right to dispose on where to bury Anna, and he, along with Anna’s mother Virgie Arthur, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead all decided she would be buried with her son Daniel in the Bahamas. 

Surely we are all glad to see some closure on the first chapter in this epic saga of fame gone wrong.  Judge Seidlin, who was crying as he read gave his decision, cautioned the two potential father’s Birkhead and Stern that they should make haste in the DNA proceedings. 

And as for me, I just want to know where this clown Seidlin came from.  What judge cries and holds hands with the court clerk while reading a verdict?  Man up, you freaking pansy.

The above Britney is having a full-scale meltdown, and X-17 was there to capture it.  Thank heavens.

As I reported earlier, she was spotted last night at K-Fed’s where she attempted to communicate with him.  He either refused to answer the door or wasn’t home.  While Britney waited for 45 minutes she grew increasingly irrate and started to attack a white SUV with a large green umbrella.  It is believed that the SUV belonged to a photog.  I am not really sure about the symbolism of a white SUV and a green umbrella - but I’ll bet it will be discussed in some intense therapy sessions.  Sessions we all hope Britney will be attending.

Various sources have reported that she was driven back to Promises last night by her mother Lynn Spears.  She is expected to remain at the facility for a full 30-45 days or she may lose the custodial rights to her children.

All this pomp and circumstance has inspired me to some song and dance.  Excuse me while I twirl around and get into the moment. 

“Britney’s having a bad day, 

she’s taking one down,

she’ll sing a sad song just to turn it around,

maybe go for a ride. “

But baby, the camera don’t lie.

Cuckoo!

This story is great. 

Some freaking pervert was enjoying his porn at a decibel loud enough for his neighbor, James Van Iveren, to think that a rape was being committed.  Mr. Iveren, who lives with his mother and no phone, busted in with a sword and held Mr. Monkeyspanker at points-end and told the guy to open all the doors in his house in search of the woman in peril.  When no woman was to be found, he took his sword and left. 

Mr. Iveren’s, who is being charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct while brandishing a weapon had this to say:

“Now I feel stupid. This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake.”

The lonely, womanless schlong-handler told CNN he would not stop watching porn, but would instead enjoy it with headphones on.  And most certainly with his pants around his ankles and his hands working furiously. Loser.

Despite looking like a crazed serial killer and living alone with his mom and no phone, I think Iveren should be given a medal, a parade and possibly an Oscar.  And maybe a makeover.

TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears is now on her way back to rehab for the third freaking time. 

It would seem that Kevin Federline’s pre-emptive strike to request an emergency custody hearing was the trick to get the popstar to commit herself again.  The report states this is her last chance and while Federline cancelled the hearing for today, if she bails out again he will request full custody.

They are also reporting that Britney showed up at Federline’s home last night and she was not allowed in.

WTF?  I hope her stupid ass stays this time.  She is nuttier than box of trail mix.  Ugh. 

Well, it looks like Britney is hammering the last nail in her coffin.  Not only has she alienated her fan base, sullied her reputation (perhaps forever,) and seemingly bailed on her professional obligations, she has now achieved the ultimate in failures: a rallied K-Fed set to receive full custody of their children, Sean Preston, 17-months and Jayden James 5-months.

Initially, Britney’s behavior seemed so bizarre and outrageous that you had to wonder if it was for show.  But as new allegations of serious drug addiction, mental instability and a careless attitude towards parenting are coming to light, it is apparent that Britney has serious issues.

Here’s what we know so far:

Kevin Federline has stepped up to take custody of the children and has asked for help from Lynn Spears, Britney’s mom, and his mother Julie Bleak, who flew to L.A. to help take care of the babies.  Kevin has also requested an emergency hearing for some sort of temporary custody resolution - as Britney has legal physical custody of both children at this time.  The hearing is scheduled for Thursday, 2/22.

Britney checked out of the Malibu rehab facility Promises one day after checking in.  She has not seen her children, nor has she requested to see them since checking out of the facility.  She was seen visiting the law offices of Blair Berk yesterday, a famous criminal defense attorney who has represented the likes of Halle Berry, Tracy Morgan and Lindsay Lohan.  Berk has also represented clients in civil matters as well.  While we can only speculate as to the reason for the visit, suffice it to say Britney has created a huge negative impression since the divorce proceedings began between her and estranged husband Kevin Federline, so this cannot bode well for her custody battle.

Some other disturbing allegations have emerged regarding the children themselves.  Former nannies who worked for Britney taking care of her children, have broken their silence about what has occurred behind the scene in the Spears home.

Britney asked very few questions about the nannies previous child care experience, but rather questions about their personal lives. One nanny told US magazine:

“The agency that called me emphasized that Britney was looking for a nanny who was young and hip because they wanted her to interact with people her own age. Basically, Britney wanted a friend.”

An added bonus, the nanny had to be comfortable with nudity.  Not nude babies and toddlers, but nude Britney.  The former nanny said she was pulled away from the children to watch Britney try on clothes:

“Britney asked me and one of her nannies to come to her room to watch her try on outfits for a party one night.  Then she stripped down naked in front of us!”

The nannies had to be good, but not so good that her sons might prefer them to Britney (that sounds eerily like Anna Nicole Smith).

“One nanny told me that Britney will hold her kids for 10 minutes and then say, ‘I’m done now. You can take them.”  Another nanny said, “She doesn’t like when Sean prefers the nanny, so she fires them and looks for a new one.”

I always suspected that Britney was a great mom, but I had no idea that she was such a stellar example of motherhood.  And lest you think this is a case of sour grapes, additional sources add this gem about how Britney handles being alone with Sean Preston and Jayden James.

“She gets over-whelmed.  She gets so frustrated when they cry, asking, ‘How do I make it stop?’ But she loves her kids.”

I can relate.  Kids are overwhelming and it is frustrating when they cry.  Especially when you have a hang-over or are tripping on X, or high on cocaine.  I am sure it really sucks when those screaming brats start harshing her mellow. 

And the most significant sign in how far Britney has fallen comes from an inside Spears source:

“Britney’s family feels that Kevin has been a blessing and they are very impressed with Kevin taking so much responsibility. Britney’s family found out from the news this morning that Britney had left the rehab. Britney has not asked to see the kids because she knows she is not well and she does not want to scare Preston. She has no credit cards or cash. She is basically on the run at the moment.”

Yes, K-Fed, the most hated man on the planet, the guy who left his former girlfriend Shar Jackson while she was six months pregnant with his second child to be with Britney has come out the good guy in all of this.  That my friends is called a monumental failure for Britney. 

And seriously, I am ashamed of how sympathetic people are being toward Britney.  This isn’t some under-privileged teen living in squalor trying to support her babies, find competent child care and manage a drug addiction.  This is Britney Spears, one of the wealthiest women in the world with a team - no make that an army - of assistants at her disposal to help her with every teeny-tiny function in her life.  There is nothing remotely cruel or vicious about pointing, jeering and making fun of her.  She is a public figure who is acting like an idiot and using her celebrity status to get away with things that any of us “regular” folks would be prosecuted for. 

Whatever sympathy or concern I might have had for Britney died when she chose to ignore the advice and counsel of those who were trying desperately to help her.  I am waging an all out war on Britney until she checks herself into a mental hospital.  She deserves no mercy for behaving in such a callous and irresponsible way with her life and her children.

Britney:  You and Me - it’s ON!

Tonight begins the women’s portion of the singing competition we like to call American Idol.  It’s not really a singing competition so much as it is a popularity contest with people who can sing, but who cares. 

It’s fun, mindless and repetitive - just like television should be.

Season six’s controversy revolves around New Jersey girl Antonella Barba.   Risque photos of Barba surfaced on the web shortly after it was announced she made the final 24 cut.  The photos include Barba sitting on the toilet, flipping the bird, posing topless (hands covering her breasts) and engaging in underage drinking.  Not exactly what a potential Idol wants floating around when her fate depends on the perception and votes of others. 

Antonella, 20, first made her appearance on American Idol at the New York auditions with her best friend Amanda, who did not make it past Hollywood week.  There was also some Hollywood week controversy regarding Antonella and Amanda’s contribution to the elimination of another contestant, Baylie Brown.  Apparently Amanda, was more interested in flirting with boys than practicing with her group and when crunch time came, Baylie flubbed her lyrics despite her efforts to practice with her group.  Baylie was cut, but not before Amanda made it through and stated the reason was because ”God likes good people.”  But he apparently doesn’t like self-righteous whores, as Amanda was soon cut as well.  Ha, to the ha, ha, ha. 

Back to Antonella.  If I remember correctly she has a nice voice, but can her breast size, looks and voice get her past, well, her past.  While I am not entirely sure who posted these pics of Antonella, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one her pals, as these pics are not the work of paparazzi, but rather close pals.  I don’t know about you, but I only let very close friends take pics of me popping a squat on the crapper.

It may have been Amanda who leaked the pics.  She sounds like a really “special” person.  And when I say special, I mean someone who needs a my heel planted in their grill.

Now, all we can do is wait and see how it all plays out.  I am wondering if Ryan Seacrest will treat us to some bathroom humor to lighten things up.  Or, if that fails he can start a slap fight with Simon.  You know those two like to talk makeup and fashion in the greenroom.

UPDATE:  Antonella did the most horrible rock song ever, Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” I don’t know why anyone would ever want to cover that song, as it sucked when they did it and every version since has sucked.  But the good news according to Simon was: “You’re attractive.”  The bad news: she blew it.   She blew it and she blew it hard.  She blew it like Paris with an 8-ball, a stiff wang and a full night a head of her.  It was like the judges wanted her to suck and were relieved when she did. I will be unpleasantly surprised if she makes it through to next week.  Being pretty should NEVER be enough to win AI.  Just ask Fantasia.

Have you ever seen two filthy dogs fight over table scraps? Ugly feral dogs, the kind of dogs with the mange and who have open sores from scratching at their fleas for too long. That’s how I picture Virgie Arthur, Anna’s mother, and Howard K. Stern, her lawyer/lover as they lie, cheat and steal their way to Anna’s money.

As the court proceedings continue in Broward County, Florida, we are still awaiting a final decision on who gets Anna’s body, who is Dannielynn Hope’s daddy and who will benefit the most from Anna’s death. 

So many various stories have emerged since Anna died two weeks ago. I really can’t make heads or tails of it, but I will do my best to enlighten everyone to the most pertinent details.

Virgie Arthur is a money-grubber who was HATED by her daughter in life and will probably be visited by her three times on Christmas eve in death.  Video is set to be shown on Entertainment Tonight  released by Howard K. which shows Anna stating in no uncertain terms that Virgie was horrible to her and is quoted as saying this about her mother:

“You want to hear all the things she did to me? You want to hear all the things she let my father do to me, or my brother do to me? Or my sister? All the beatings and the whippin’s and the rape? That’s my mother. That’s my mom!”

There is also some controversy as to whether Virgie received a $12,000 payment from Splash Online for photos and video footage of Anna that have been released to the public.  Splash will neither confirm nor deny whether such an exchange between the two parties was made.

Howard K. Stern is crying like a baby on the stand about how “Anna was obsessed with death” and how Anna wanted to “crawl in the casket” with her dead son Daniel and therefore her body should be buried in the Bahamas like Daniel and that he’s being “accused of murdering Anna” and all he wanted to do “was love her.”  He’s also being accused of standing to make millions off the death of Anna Nicole, to which everyone’s collective response was “No shit!”

Larry Birkhead, the only seemingly decent one in all of this (and by decent I mean he hasn’t been accused of raping Anna’s dead corpse - yet) just wants to know if he’s Dannielynn’s baby-daddy, because to be honest, that’s where the real pot of gold lays, or lies.  You know what I am saying. 

Judge Larry Siedlin has implied that a decision will be made by Friday, as Anna’s body is starting to “deteriorate” and really, that’s enough of that.

And that’s your Anna Nicole five-minute update.  I will let you know when Anna’s body is announced missing and the National Guard is called in because of some zombie sightings in southern Florida. 

Don’t laugh, because you know that’s next.

Jesus already, will this fruitcake just pick a place and stay?  Britney Spears seems to be at it again, with reports of the popstar leaving her second rehab center in less than a week surfacing on the internet. 

Yesterday we reported that Britney checked into Promises in Malibu under the urging and pressure of family and friends for her various addictions.  And today we are again wondering what the hell is wrong with this person that she can’t commit herself, for the sake of her children, her career and what is left of her sanity, to a rehab center to work out her problems?

TMZ is also reporting that Spears tried to get into another tattoo parlor after leaving the facility, but THANK GOD, it was closed.

There are all sorts of rumors and conjectures popping up on the web about Britney’s reported drug addiction, which some estimate dates back three years.  I have read that she has “mental problems” and I am not talking about “gee, I feel kind of depressed today Doc” mental problems, but more like “I am Princess Zoltron from the planet Arthinon and I have been sent to enslave your mind and feed on the blood of your children” mental problems.  Bitch needs a serious check up from the neck up.

Honestly, if someone told me that Britney Spears had sex with gorillas and pooped in a coffee can, I would be less surprised than if they told me that she would someday get her act together and have another hit record.  She doesn’t need rehab, she needs Patch Adams.  You remember him, the doctor who dressed like a clown and was played by Robin Williams.  Yes, that and a full frontal lobotomy.  And perhaps some eletro-shock therapy.  Or, at the very least she could stick a fork in a socket and see what happens. 

Who cares, I am really getting sick of her acting like an a-hole.

The fruitiest logos in the bunch - Radar Online

Lindsay Lohan the only barfly not flying high? - Janet Charlton’s Hollywood

One theory on why Britney shaved her head  - The Superfish

An American Idol already going to pot, or perhaps just sitting on one. - Top Ten Sources

Timberlake on Hicks, why all the hatin’? - Blogcritics.org

Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph, released this statement on behalf of the beleaguered popstar:

“Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.”

Rumors are circulating that she is at the Promises facility in Malibu, but this has not be substantiated by her people.  Britney has had a tough week, having checked into one rehab center (Crossroads in Antigua) only to check out within 24 hours.  She then went on a strange excursion to the recesses of her inner mind, shaved her head, got some tattoos, sported a bad wig, visited an emergency room and engaged in lengthy conversations with herself about “nobody wanting her” anymore.  Of course, this would imply that someone wanted her before, and I can attest that is not entirely accurate. 

It is believed that Britney’s family has been applying continued pressure on the 25-year-old mother of two, threatening to have her children taken from her if she didn’t relent.  Spears has been acting erratically, her behavior becoming more and more disturbing, believed by some to be the result of alcohol or drug dependency. 

It is my belief that Britney, like scientific genius Albert Einstein, is consumed with solving the mysteries of time travel.  He too had hair issues, was seemingly confused and often talked to himself.  Clearly, this kind of mental genius needs to be left alone to fully actuate the discovery process.  I propose at this time we all leave Britney alone.  The flux capacitor wasn’t built in a day, people.