Actor Ralph Fiennes proves that even famous people aren’t always discriminating or smart. 

Fiennes 44, was aboard a Qantas flight from Darwin, Australia, to Mumbai, India, on January 24, when he engaged in unprotected sex with flight attendant Lisa Roberston, and then again at his hotel in Mumbai.  Ironically, Fiennes was on his way to India to give a talk about HIV and the importance of practicing safe sex. 

And when I say ironic, what I mean is, Ralph Fiennes screws strangers without covering his jimmy and then talks down to third world countries because he thinks he’s a fucking wizard or something.  Douche-bag!

There were some conflicting reports on who was the aggressor in this liaison, but considering he’s Ralph Fiennes and she’s a waitress in the sky, does it really matter?  Ms. Robertson, a former undercover police officer, initially denied the encounter, despite witnesses observing the two enter an in-flight lavatory.  Ms. Robertson has since been terminated from Qantas.  In statements to the press Ms. Robertson had this to say about her encounter with Fiennes

“At first I denied it because I was desperate to keep my job and I didn’t want to hurt Ralph. I know some people will think it’s disgusting and I’m not proud of what I did - it was inappropriate behaviour - but I don’t regret it.”

Ms. Robertson has since said the encounter was worth losing her job over.

“Ralph was a great lover and I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew it was against the rules and wrong but I didn’t care.”

After the salacious story broke, Ms. Robertson’s dad went on record regarding his thoughts about his daughter’s co-workers informing Qantas officials of the misconduct:

“[They're]probably ugly as a hatful of arseholes and were just jealous.”

Being as ugly as a hatful of arseholes is something Mr. Robertson should be familiar with, as his daughter is one sombrero-full of arse-fug.

Ms. Robertson, clearly an arbiter of moral behavior herself, also found Mr. Fiennes (an ambassador for children’s charity Unicef) actions somewhat dubious:

“I was a bit shocked that he didn’t wear a condom,” she said.”Looking back, I think of it as dangerous and hypocritical given that he was going to India to talk about AIDS.”

Mr. Fiennes has not denied the affair, but his rep claims Fiennes is “really embarrassed” and said this about the incident:

“This woman seduced him on a plane. She was the sexual aggressor. She initiated it. He didn’t force himself upon her.”

Fiennes, hasn’t made a public statement about the inappropriateness of having unprotected sex with a stranger while in transit to give a talk on HIV and AIDS, but a friend of the star said: “He’s been upset by any implication in her story that he forced himself on her because he didn’t.”   Of course he didn’t, he’s a sexy superstar, she’s the equivalent of a truckstop road whore in the sky.

Still not getting the point are we Ralph?  No one cares that you nailed an ugly flight attendant, or like sleeping with women old enough to be your mother.  No, it’s the poor example you set for the young people that bothers me, Ralph.  

I for one, never, ever had sex Ralph Fiennes.  He definitely didn’t dress up like Voldemort and I certainly never dressed up like Hermione Granger. And if he did trick me into doing terrible, naughty things by saying he used the ”imperious curse” on me, it’s not my fault.  He is the Dark Lord, and is magic and stuff, how could I resist?  Not that I am admitting anything because I, like Hermione Granger, am a virgin. 

Thanks to Desicritic’s Dee.

The above is video footage of Anna Nicole having some sort of Jim Morrisonesqe moment.  The video, filmed by the increasingly twisted Howard K. Stern, features a reportedly 8-months pregnant Anna Nicole who has clearly stepped through the doors of perception and entered a new dimension - which is exactly the kind of thing we would expect from Anna Nicole.  In fact, if this video footage had not been released I would have questioned the very existence of the space clown continuum.

But lest we judge Anna too harshly, I have a confession to make, I too dress in clown makeup and take strolls with plastic baby dolls in my house with my eyes lolling around in the back of my skull.  It’s what we call “Mommy forgot to take her meds again” - and it usually ends up with a call to the po-po and some burly men in a van taking me to the home of eternal respite.

See, no biggie.

 

At the request of friends and family, popstar Britney Spears apparently checked into the Crossroads rehab facility in Antigua two days ago.  The facility was founded by rocker Eric Clapton who kicked his drug habits years ago and founded the facility to help others.

“Others” not being drunk whores who don’t have the ability to commit themselves to a rehab program for more than 24 hours, as Britney checked out the following day, refusing to stay.

Sources say Britney is on her way back to Los Angeles, and a rep for Britney could not be reached for comment.

I wonder what reasons Britney will have for not staying at the facility.

Not enough Cheetos? No Pabst Blue Ribbon? No vomit clean-up detail? She was expected to bathe?  Wear underwear?  Your guess is as good as mine, but none as good as the logic of an adult mother of two who can’t figure out that rehab is NOT a vacation.  Dumb ho’s gonna lose those kids to a dumb - ass.

All of this comes on the heels of public pleas by those close to her, and those once close to her, to get help for her out-of-control partying. 

Justin Timberlake made a not-so-disguised statement to Britney while during an appearance in London at the Brit Awards:

“Stop drinking! You know who you are. I’m speaking to you. You are going to get sloppy. OK! magazine is going to say something bad about you.”

And Britney’s former assistant of 10 years, Felicia Culotta released a very emotional and public statement addressing her concerns for Britney:

“We, as her family and nearest and dearest, not on the payroll anymore, are doing everything in our power to get help for Britney. I cannot save her from herself, nor can I commit her to any type of treatment program against her wishes and will.”

It is believed that Britney’s mother is behind this effort and that an intervention was staged to convince Britney to enter rehab.  Rumors are also circulating that Britney isn’t attending to her children as she should, and has once again made dangerous carseat mistakes with her youngest, having his carseat facing forward while driving.

I am at a loss for words.  On one hand I would really like to see Britney pull her head directly out of her ass and get her crap together; on the other hand, I think the genepool could benefit from her shortbus-ass taking a shortcut to the afterlife. 

I am not mean, she’s just that stupid.

UPDATE:  I saw the above story on Good Morning America and TMZ had the photos of Britney Spears after she apparently shaved her head, and then got another tattoo of red lips on her wrist.

Witnesses at the tattoo parlor described Britney as being “distraught,” ”disturbed”she seemed agitated by the paparrazzi following her around, the witness said she asked Britney why she shaved her head and the singer’s response was “I was tired of things being plugged into it.  I was tired of people touching me, touching my hair.”  The witness said her impression is that Britney desparately wanted to be left alone.  She also said that Britney may or may not have gotten some additional tattoos besides the lips.

We have no idea why she really shaved her head, checked in, then out of rehab, or got a tattoo of lips on her wrist, but I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that she may have suddenly realized that she was Britney Spears and that realization was too much for her IQ of 60 to handle and *poof* she lost what was left of her mind.  That and I think her weave was starting have a mind of its own, ala Doctor Octopus. 

I have this weird, alien sensation growing inside.  It feels like my heart just grew three sizes just now, and I have this feeling that might be described as sympathy or maybe compassion.  Wait. *Burp* 

Nope, just indigestion.  Britney, get your ass into rehab you selfish, crazy ego-maniac.  Justin’s not coming back, but fret not my smoothheaded friend - there are other wangstas in the sea.

Here’s the video of crazy Brit losing her shit.

Paris Hilton was in Vienna to attend the Vienna Opera Ball, some hoity-toity event thrown in Austria once a year. There was no mention as to why prostitutes were invited to such a coveted event, but this is Europe, so expect the unexpected.

Paris was the “honored” guest of some 74-year-old married rich guy who invites a different celeb each year. Past attendees listed were Pamela Anderson, Gerri “Smelly Spice” Halliwell, and Carmen Electra. I guess only hookers are invited.

While revelers were being treated to an aural assault of Hilton’s song “Stars Are Blind,” once the crowd realized that they were listening to Paris Hilton they reacted like a dog to a high pitched whistle and suddenly went insane and started throwing shit at Paris. Well, they didn’t actually throw “shit,” but rather gumwrappers, lipstick and cigarette packs. Hmmm…did anyone check to see if Britney Spears was in the crowd?

Paris, who’s getting pretty used to this kind of treatment, was barely startled - but security took precautions anyway and ushered her out of the area. I only ask that you try not to enjoy watching Paris Hilton getting pelted with trash as much as I did, or that would require you to run naked down the street pumping your fists in the air singing the Rocky theme song…”feeling strong now….whoo hoo, I am a champ! YEAH!”

 

Britney Spears’ fansite Breatheheavy.com has scanned photos from OK! Magazine that claim to be of Britney’s second child, Jayden James.  Tater tot is sporting a pink coat, which is certainly his right and okay by me, but some might consider that to be a tad fruity for a baby boy.  Unless he’s not a BOY!  Dun, dun, dun……

Actually the most bizarre part of this photo is the enlarged quote stating, “Jayden lights up the room with his big blue eyes.”

Already I am suspicious, because if that baby has blue eyes then either he isn’t Britney and K-Fed’s (both have brown eyes) or the person who saw him and made that quote is a particular kind of stupid.  Granted, new babies eye-colors can take a full ear to develop.  And unfortunately the picture is still pretty grainy so it’s hard to tell what color his/her’s eyes are.  One thing’s for sure, dino-tot’s cute and I bet his ears get great reception.

Why do I care about all this?  I don’t, except that Britney, following in the footsteps of the mental giants Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, has taken great pains to keep pictures of her second child out of the press.  Speculations as to the reason range from her holding out for the highest bidder, publicity and rumors that Britney has hired a talking mouse to work with him for some kind of Big Top routine. 

Awww, poor Dumbo.  And poor Sean Preston and Jayden/Jade James, cursed with the unluckiest DNA lottery ticket ever.

YOU BITCHES BETTER BUFF FASTER OR I’LL BE BUSTING SOME SKULLS!

TMZ is reporting that rapper/singer Foxy Brown was arrested once again, this time on “battery and obstruction of justice” charges on Thursay by Broward County police, for charges stemming from an altercation at a Pembroke Pines beauty supply store. Last year Ms. Brown (Inga Marchand) was arrested in New York and sentenced to three years probation and anger management classes for assaulting two nail technicians, and was ordered to stay away from the technicians for five years.

I’ll tell you what, homegirl isn’t playing. You better get her polish smooth and shiny or she will shank your ass. For reals.

 

I saw this picture on Janet Charlton’s Hollywood, a site which can only be described as a “back alley tabloid,” dirty, but dangerous.  So as you can imagine, I like it. 

My first thought was, ‘Oh look, James Woods is out with his granddaughter.’  And then it hit me, like a crowbar to the frontal lobe - that’s his 20-year-old girlfriend Ashley Madison.  First of all, her name alone screams “I was born in the 80’s and my parents are enormous assholes,” (no offense to anyone with either of those names - if you have both though, screw you) it also happens to be the name of a site that helps married people find people to have sex with. Ta-da! Second of all, her face is fug a hundred ways to Sunday, which by the way, is the same number of ways that Woods has soiled this ho. 

I don’t mean to be all judgmental and whatnot, but Woods is 60 and this piece of gold-digging trash is 20, and if you add that up, that means she’s a whore and he’s a child molestor.  As I recall, they met through a friend of his when she was 18.  He supposedly has like a 20-foot wang so most likely she’s next in line to play the Lincoln Tunnel.  Either way, I want to kick him in the ballsack and give her a swirly in a truckstop restroom.

All of Hollywood needs to be launched into the sun.

Remember a few weeks back when the Courtney Love said she received a call from the producers at American Idol about possibly replacing host Paula Abdul. You don’t? Well that’s because the AI people denied it and made Courtney look like a crazy person. Which when you think about it, is both simple, yet cruel. It’s like chaining up a dog and dangling a bone just out of its reach. Sure it’s entertaining as hell, but eventually that dog’s going to get free and when she does, she’s going to down a bottle of Jack, strip naked and start humping your leg.

Well, according to this story, American Idol execs approached former Go-Go’s lead singer Belinda Carlisle a couple years back about the same thing. Sure she’s a washed up has-been who was put to pasture long ago, but she’s also a far sight more reliable than Love. Belinda said this about replacing Abdul:

“As far as American Idol goes, I was actually approached a couple of years ago about possibly replacing Paula Abdul. But to answer your question, I really don’t know. To be perfectly honest, it’s just not my thing. I’d rather listen to music that comes from a more organic place. But you know, I just … don’t know if I would or not.”

So where am I going with all of this?

What if, let’s say the AI people really did call Courtney? The timing is somewhat significant, as this all happened when Paula was being panned in the press for being an incoherent, drugged out freak. Maybe they were testing the waters to see how the public reacted to the idea. Initially people were intrigued, but quickly realized that while Paula may be a laced rainbow-sprinkled cupcake of lunacy, she’s a safer alternative to the derailed riotgrrl Courtney.

So if this theory is correct, then Courtney wasn’t just punked, she was used. And come to think of it punked and used sounds about right. Either way, I am about fifty percent convinced that Courtney Love may or may not have had a hallucination and shared it with the world.

I also think she might have been called by AI and when it didn’t get the correct vibe they bailed out, and lied to cover their asses.

Poor Courtney. Poor filthy rich, filthy Courtney.

Apparently Mariah Carey did something stupid in reference to airplane tickets, a movie and perhaps being bra-less.  I couldn’t pay any attention, I was too busy marveling at her gianormous bazongas.  I mean really, isn’t that a bit of overkill?  In any case, if you really want to know what she did and could care less about her boo-nannies, then go read this awesome site.

Do you think those are like triple D’s or what?  Just asking.

During a radio interview with Miami Sports Coumnist Dan Le Batard, former NBA forward Tim Hardaway let loose his inner feelings about gays when asked how he’d feel playing on a team with a teammate who was gay. This whole debate was brought up in response to a new book written by former NBA center John Amaechi, who writes about his life in the NBA as a closeted gay man.

Here’s what Tim had to say about the matter:

“First of all, I wouldn’t want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would really distance myself from him because, uh, I don’t think that is right. I don’t think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room. But stuff like that is going on and there’s a lot of other people I hear that are like that and still in the closet and don’t want to come out of the closet, but you know I just leave that alone.”

And in case that was too ambiguous, he continued to open his heart more about gays:

“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”

So what, he doesn’t like gays. The guy has the right doesn’t he?

When I was asked about Tim Hardaway and how would I feel about him being in my carpool, I had this to say:

“First of all, I wouldn’t want him in my car. And second of all, if that tall motherfucker was in my car, I would ram it into a telephone pole, because I don’t think that dribbling nonsense they do is right. It’s like voodoo or something. I don’t think he should be in any cars, let his ass walk everywhere and get splashed when it’s wet. Who wants his lanky ass around messing up my floormats and whatnot? I hear they try and slump down and pretend they’re shorter, but they ain’t foolin’ nobody. I don’t bother with his kind, I’d just shove him out of my car. Or maybe leave him in there with the windows rolled up, on a hot day, scrunched up and panting.”

“You know truth is, I heard basketball players are notorious thieves. And wife-beaters. And rapists. I am procerusphobic. And I don’t like gangly-tatted free-throwers. Why shouldn’t they pay for their throws? That shit is un-American and causes global-warming. We should shoot their asses into space.”

Anybody got a problem with that? I didn’t think so.