I am no body language expert, but when has not being an “expert” stopped me from giving my opinion?  Exactly.

First of all, that outfit that Katie is wearing looks like she stole it from my aunt. My aunt who’s like 80, but tries to dress like she’s 60, only to  up looking like she’s 200.  So, needless to say, I am not digging that look.  That said, she looks hot as Hades compared to Tom, who’s sporting the cheesiest butterfly collar and a Daddy Warbucks suit.  Also, do these two sleep in his’ and her’s coffins? Because Tom’s skin looks clammy and dare I say — untouched by the light of day, and Katie’s eyes look dead and soulless.

Based on recent reports, Katie and Tom are having some marital dischord related to Tom’s over-controlling ways.  There are rumors that Katie’s been calling her pal Posh for late night crying and whining chats about Tom, and spending up to FOUR hours on the phone with the former Spice girl turned professional shopper. There’s further speculation that Tom won’t give Katie time away for herself, tells her what projects to work on, and even worse,  rumors that he called their friends, the Beckhams, 18 times in one hour about joining the Church of Scientology.  WTF? That is really annoying. 

The phone should NOT be used as a weapon. 

When those damned disabled people call trying to sell me a box of lightbulbs for $40 a box I tell them “Why would I buy a lightbulb from a friggin disabled person? What do you think I am blind? You a-holes.” and then I swear at them some more and scream loudly in the phone “you suck” and hang-up.  

I suggest Posh and Becks do the same thing, just replace lightbulb with “Xenu” and disabled person with “crazy midget,” then add a “keep your hands off our bloody money you filthy buggers” and perhaps a “Your mother is whore!”  Message sent, loud and clear.

One final note: the fact that Tom is allowing Katie to TOWER over him in these photos making him look most unmanly, it’s obvious these two read the tabloids. The photos were from last at the Mentor LA’s Gala honoring Tom, and you just know that Tom told Katie “I’ll tell you what Katie, you can wear your high heels tonight, but as soon as we get home it’s back on the mothership for your ass, you insubordinate little ingrate.”   And you just know that Katie likes that master and servant thing.  HOT!

P.S. 
But wait, there’s more…

I know this isn’t celebrity news, but it’s one of those “DAYUM” things that I just had to share.

A Long Island couple were suprised when little baby Jessica was born and had an afro. Thomas Andrews is white and his wife Nancy is Dominican Republic and their daughter Jessica is half black. How did this happen?

Apparently the fertility clinic the couple went to for in-vitro fertilization screwed up the sperm-donors and instead of using Thomas Andrews sperm they used someone elses. Someone else who’s not white apparently.

I wonder how often this stuff happens but the couple doesn’t suspect anything because there’s no “racial” redflags to go off? To be honest, she doesn’t look that different from their other daughter.

I would be pissed if that happened to me, but not because my kid would be mixed, but because my husband would think I did that on purpose just to mess with him. And I would too!

Fox’s American Idol, is finally infusing some fresh blood on to its top show by having No Doubt singer and solo artist Gwen Stefani perform and mentor the AI contestants during next week’s Top 10 week.

Gwen is scheduled to perform a new single “The Sweet Escape” featuring R&B artist Akon live on the results show on Wednesday, March 28th (9:00 - 9:30pm EST).

That’s sweet. I wish they were performing Akon’s “Smack That” and Ryan Seacrest and Simon could get on stage and finally act on their intense passion for each other to the erotic and reggae infused hotness that is Akon.

It’s been a while since we visited the whole “Anna Nicole Debacle.” I would like to say it’s because there are so many exciting and interesting things going on in the land of make believe that I just couldn’t find the time, but why lie. That’s Perez Hilton’s job. Plus, like most of America I am just waiting, anxiously, to find out who is Dannielynn Hope’s real babydaddy.

While most think it’s a foregone conclusion with all signs point to Anna’s ex Larry Birkhead, it’s still possible that Anna has one more trick up her sleeve that she plans to spring on us from “the beyond.”

The good news: DNA testing has been submitted from both Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn as of yesterday, and the results should be available within the week.

The bad news: Dannielynn’s still in the custody of that sly fox Howard K. Stern, and if there’s one thing I know to be true, he’s gonna find a way to squeeze every last dollar out her undernourished body before he hands her over. I wouldn’t surprised if he’s planning some kind of Playboy spread right now. Disgusting? Ugh, yes. Entirely plausible? DUH, this is Howard K. Stern, the man who soiled the name of Howard Stern.

Two things I hope for in the final outcome: Dannielynn is handed over to her real baby-daddy Larry, and once in possession of his daughter, Larry goes over to shake Howard’s hand and at the last minute he pulls out an enormous sword and does some kind of mythical Spartan warrior move on him and Howard crumbles into a million little pieces.

Wow, that was kind of gory. I really need to lay off the Nyquil.

The road to stardom is paved with arrests these days. Vivica Fox is the latest installment in the new “Hollywood PR On The Cheap” campaign.

TMZ is reporting that Miss Thang was popped late Tuesday night on the 101 in San Fernando Valley when cops clocked her at 80mph. You know she was ridin’ dirty. Fox failed the sobriety test given after cops chased her down in a Cadillac Escalade. I wonder what kind of rims she was sporting?

Fox was taken to Van Nuys jail where she submitted to two breathalyzer tests. CHP spokesman Leland Tang told TMZ, “It was definitely over the .08 legal limit.”

She was eventually released and a court date has been scheduled. Sexy mugshot forthcoming.

I love Lindsay Lohan. I find her fascinating and a sheer spectacle to behold. She reminds me of myself, only younger and with more money. Yes, I too was a ravenous slut who drank like an out-of-work Irishman, sucking down any and all white powdery substances in my path.

Did it fill the hole inside my heart? No.

Did it replace my frequently incarcerated, psychotic and absent father? No.

Did it make my mother less of a bloodsucking leech? Well no.

Did it make me more attractive? YES!

Sheesh, enough with these relentless questions. The point is, Lindsay, unlike me, found God and his promises for your every need. So you know what that means. Yeah, well neither do I. Isn’t it enough that she has that abbreviated version of God’s promises tailored for soul-less whores.

I mean hell, have you seen the real thing, that sh*t’s complicated and long. Who has time for all that “Thou Shall Not Show Thine Firecrotch” or “Thou Shall Not F*ck Thy Neighbor” and so on and so forth? Feel free to make up your own Ten Commandments According To Lindsay Lohan.

Yes, those pics are courtesy of Flynet.

Radar Online has verifiable proof that Angelina did NOT have her new child Pax Thien’s (the orphan formerly known as San Quan Pham) best interests at heart when she renamed him some strange amalgamation of Latin and Vietnamese to form the meaning “Peaceful Sky” when translated. It’s also widely reported that little Pax cried when Angelina and Maddox showed up to bust him out of the orphanage. Probably not the tranquil photo op that Angelina Jolie had hoped for. Read the whole story, and what doctors have to say about changing a three-year-old’s name, while also transitioning him from one life to another.

Oh, the worm may be turning after all.

Times have not been kind to the former “Cheers” star as of late. Besides being accused of beating up a bouncer at a Venice bar called The Other Room. He was apparently angered when he cut his hand on a broken glass that his drink was served in, and the altercation escalated from there. Harrelson’s father, Charles Harrelson, 69, died of a heart attack March 15.  He was serving two life sentences in a federal prison for murder.

Charles was convicted of murdering U.S. District Judge John Wood, Jr. in San Antonio, TX outside his home on May 29, 1979. He was apparently hired by a drug dealer to kill the judge so as not to preside over him at an upcoming trial.

Wow, that’s hardcore right there. Harrelson proclaimed his innocence at the time, stating he was several hundred miles away in Dallas. After attempting to escape an Atlanta federal prison in ‘95, Harrelson was transferred to Supermax, a federal prison 90 miles from Denver.

Woody was 7 when his dad was first sent to prison for killing a Texas businessman, and he was in college when his dad was sentenced to life for killing Judge Wood.

Damn, double damn. No wonder Woody’s all “stressed” and “high strung.”

Note To Self: Don’t ever piss off Woody Harrelson.

Thanks to Nancy for the hattip, she can be found here and here.

I would be fooling no one if I pretended that I didn’t think Angelina is possibly the most mentally disturbed celebrity of modern times. So I won’t pretend. Jolie is a straight up manipulative control freak seeking to revamp her image after years of untold damage she brought herself through a life of bizarre and twisted behavior.

On top of snatching up a little three-year-old boy sight unseen out of the only home he’s ever known, without even a courtesy of a warning, then changing his name to some stupid three letter abbreviation for an anti-anxiety med, she then arranged a private photo shoot which included flying 2-year-old adopted daughter Zahara from New Orleans to Vietnam for - Shiloh, once again, was left at home. Why all the pomp and circumstance? So she could sell these pics of the family “bonding” to the highest bidder - which just so happened to be People, again. Ostensibly, the money will go to a charitable cause, just like the other money was supposed to go to but has yet to do so.

Radar Online is reporting that Jolie and her lap-dog Brad Pitt will get an estimated 1.75 to 2 million for exclusive photos of Pax and Angelina “bonding.” I wonder if that included a sodering iron and some crazy glue? Harsh? Me? Um, let me remind us all of a few things about Angelina - she’s a homewrecker times two, she made out with her brother, she and ex-husband Billy Bob admitted to f*cking in a limo on their way to an awards show, she carried a vial of blood around her neck, she’s a heroin addict (supposedly reformed), she called her bio-daughter 10-month old, Shiloh, a blob — and so far — she refuses to marry Brad Pit.

But wait, there’s more…

Haley Duff + Kevin Connolly + Nicky Hilton = Fug Sister Sandwich

Janet Charlton is always good for some “back of the rag” gossip, and now she’s got a story up that Hilary Duff’s sister Haley, best known for being somewhat less attractive than Hilary, is now dating HBO’s Entourage’s Kevin Connolly, who is best known for dating another somewhat less attractive sister Nicky Hilton, who is the slightly more classy of the Hilton sisters. And when I say classy, what I mean is, she probably won’t have her name and talents scrawled on the side of a building in spray paint. Now that’s CLASSY!!

Janet said the two were spotted at Le Deux on Wednesday and Xenii on Saturday holding hands and a clubgoer told Charlton, “They were obviously on a date and were side by side, very cozy all night. They left arm in arm.”

That’s sweet, two fugsters in love. I bet Nicky is going wild with jealousy, something I am sure she is used to. It’s hard playing second fiddle to the world’s biggest whore.