Lindsay Lohan in many ways is like an orphan. Not in the traditional sense of the word, but metaphorically speaking, she lacks the guidance and love that her similarly troubled peers like Britney, Nicole and Paris possess.

From all possible angles in which her story and life is viewed, she has been used and mishandled from a very early age. Lindsay’s father Michael, who we hope is truly getting his act together, was an out-of-control alcoholic prone to unreasonable and violent outbursts. Dina, Lindsay’s mother, suffers from a raging case stage-mom-ititis, using her daughter as a portal for her own delusions of grandeur. Not unlike Drew Barrymore’s mom in the 80’s, Dina uses Lindsay like an American Express card, flashing her daughter’s name to get her the attention and access she desperately wants.

This is at the heart of Lindsay’s pain. Pain that I am beginning to think isn’t just a mere ploy for attention, but the root cause of her self-destruction. Unlike Britney, who aggressively struck out at those who she deemed were oppressing her, Lindsay remains passive in her abuse. Where Britney is defiant, Lindsay is sinking deeper within her despair and using the effects of alcohol and drugs to ignore what’s really bothering her.

Britney’s family in crisis created a united front, they did what parents must do when dealing with a child who is misbehaving. They refused to acquiesce to Britney’s demands and forced Britney to face her problems WITHOUT their approval. They clearly support their daughter, but they have let it be known that they do NOT approve of her behavior. And they paid for it with her anger and alienation. Both of which will subside once Britney realizes that in reality, their tough love is the strength which she will draw on and keeps her from caving in. Britney’s parents aren’t perfect, but their intentions are noble. That is key.

Even now, as Lindsay’s dad attempts to break through the walls he helped create between he and his daughter, he is using her name and his infamy to garner attention for himself. We can’t be sure yet whether his intentions are noble, for they are truly ill-conceived and doing little for his case in the public eye.

As for Dina Lohan, she is beyond help. She is the person that Lindsay is probably most hurt by. Lindsay, who turns 21 in July, is not stupid. She is talented and there is something in her that shows me she is probably quite intelligent. But she isn’t learned, she is rather arrogant and hopelessly misguided. She knows that her mother is merely using her, just like everyone else. That has to be deeply painful.

Even Paris Hilton, 26, the oldest in the “bad-girl-posse”, has that crucial support that young people need on their way to adulthood. Most of us couldn’t possibly hope to understand the strange relationship she shares with her parents, who have had to watch her behave in ways that must be incredibly embarrassing, but somehow they remain close. And more importantly, they stand by her through each and every one of her screwups, united and squarely in her corner. I have to think that in private, there are some heated discussions about her behavior and I have no doubt they express their disapproval, while stating they still love her.

It’s easy for us to judge these young women, they make such glaringly awful decisions. We must also realize that studies have shown that young adults brains don’t fully mature until they are in their mid-twenties and you don’t stop being a parent when your child turns 18. It’s a life-long job. Certainly we can all think back to our youth and remember not heeding the advice we are given by our parents, but that doesn’t mean we didnt’ hear it. It just takes a while to sink in.

So really as the only parent in Lindsay’s life in the last couple of years, the responsibility for Lindsa’s behavior falls squarely on her mother, the one person who has done the most damage and the least good.

Shame on you Dina, the time has come for you to step up or step off.

An email from Nicole Richie has surfaced on the internet. Originally sent as an invite for a party she and a pal were throwing over the weekend for Memorial Day, it has now become the fodder for those who wish to see what lurks beneath her skin (and bones):

Now, while most sites are all up in arms about what message this sends to young girls about their body image, I am far more concerned that Nicole and her friends have no —– clue what Memorial Day means. What a heartwarming message that must send to our troops around the world, and those who’ve lost loved ones while they sacrificed themselves for the freedoms we now enjoy. Of course her rep said this:

“This invitation was sent via email to her friends who understand that she was responding in a joking manner to the constant untruths printed about her in the media. Her reference to Memorial Day was in no way meant to offend anyone but was simply an expression of her distaste for the current situation.”

What current situation? Her boney a** about to go to jail for DUI? The fact that I have sugar bags that weigh more than her? The fact that she is as classy as an off-off-off-OFF the strip Vegas whore? Whatevs!

Fact: My first grader came home last Friday and presented me with two items - A flag she made at school and insisted we post on the fridge, and a drawing of a bunch of crosses with a big American Flag flying protectively over them. She then said: “Memorial Day is for remembering those who died to protect us. We are really lucky to live in American aren’t we Mommy?”

Nicole Richie needs to be punched in her face, twice on Memorial Day for the rest of her life.

Oh, and she’s a huge fata**.

Britney Spears, perhaps jealous of all the attention that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have been getting lately, posted a long-winded, surprisingly coherent and remarkably insightful message to her fans on her website yesterday.

Glosslip likes to consider itself the last bastion of reason in the den of inequity and we also like to analyze the inner machinations of the celebrity mind at work. So without further ado, here’s Brit-Brit’s message broken down and regurgitated through a filter of sanity and candor:

But wait, there’s more…

We almost forgot to wish the world’s most beautiful celebrity child Happy 1st Birthday. Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt turned 1 over the weekend (May 27) and she’s had quite a year. Here’s a nice little retrospective of my favorite celeb child who has a quite a 1st year.  We wish we had more recent pics of you and more candid shots with you and your family, but, you know how your mom is.

She made her film debut in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttons with proud papa Brad.

She gained another sibling, older brother Pax Thien.

She weathered many a tabloid storm while her parents were stalked by the paparazzi.

She likely bonded with her army of nannies and hopefully has learned to defend herself as her older sister Zahara is said to be a real terror with a jealous streak.

Don’t worry Shiloh, we got your back. If you start to feel neglected you can come stay with Aunty D. I promise not to ignore you. At least not anymore than my other kids! Happy Belated B-Day.

Memorial Day weekend was full of excitement.  While we regular folks here at Glosslip went to see the new Pirates of The Caribbean (B+ btw) because the weather here stunk, peeps be partying Hollywood style and getting their drunk on.

Mischa Barton, who used to be an actress or something, was rushed to the hospital Sunday night for what is being reported as a ”bad reaction” to medication.  According to sources close to the actress, Ms. Barton was on prescription meds (antibiotics??) for a bronchial infection she apparently picked up flying between Cannes and the U.S. over the last couple of weeks.  While attending a barbeque with her pal Nicole Richie in LA. Barton had a “reaction” to mixing cocktails and her “meds” and became very ill.  She was rushed to a local hospital where she is said to be “feeling much better.”

My guess is she had one too many tokes of the hippy lettuce, dropped a little sompin’ sompin’, washed it down with a couple of margaritas and bam!  She fell like a brick

Mischa here’s some rules to live by:beer before liquor, never sicker; pot before beer, never fear.  Toke one, have a Scooby snack, let it mellow.  And above all, eat before you imbibe.  Food’s not just for looking at, it keeps you from barfing up all those quality “meds” you youngin’s like so much.

Yeah, I remember my first bender.  Like it was yesterday…wait a sec…it was yesterday.

Now that Lindsay Lohan has re-entered rehab, this time at Promises (where her pal Britney went in February) it leaves us wondering whether she will take the experience seriously this time.  Lindsay’s prior rehab experience was spent at Wonderland and it seems that facility was less interested in Lindsay’s recovery than they were in having a big name associated with their services. 

Which, if you think about it, is nothing less than we’ve come to expect from those around Lindsay.  Lindsay is like the vessel for a entire army of leeches to suck off, including those who are supposed to be protecting her and guiding, the most glaringly obvious offender is her own mother. 

But what about Lindsay’s dad Michael?  Despite their estrangement, Lindsay’s dad has tried several times to reach out to Lindsay - and has reportedly used his time in jail to find G*d.  While we should view anyone involved with Lindsay with a skeptical eye at this stage, Lindsay dad seems to be saying all the right things in this videotaped message to Lindsay released this weekend after her accident and subsequent arrest for DUI.

Maybe I am just a big softy, or have a unique understanding of how the father/daughter bond can transcend many transgressions, but I hope Lindsay swallows her pride and accepts her dad’s pleas for reconciliation.  She needs a firm and loving hand to guide her. 

A smack upside the head wouldn’t hurt either. 

Wow, and just yesterday I was thinking “Lindsay Lohan sure seems to avoid trouble with the law, despite living her life like an out-of-control  underage-drinking-alcoholic toot-head.”  Oooh, I may have wished her a kenahore.  My bad.

So it would seem Lindsay Lohan is the latest to join the DUI club, which is growing and becoming more and more illustrious.  Sadly for Lindsay she coupled her DUI with some other charges as well including: leaving the scene of an accident, underage drinking and possible drug possession. LA police are stating that a “usable  amount” of cocaine was found in what is believed to be her vehicle, but the cops are not verifying this, other than to say it was not on her person.  From the news report:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said.

Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m., Sgt. Mike Foxen said. It appeared Lohan was speeding, Lt. Mitch McCann said at an afternoon news conference.

Officers at the scene found a “usable amount” of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine, McCann said. He declined to say where the drug was found other than to say Lohan was not carrying it.

Honestly this is the best news for Lindsay who is set to turn 21 in July.  Lindsay spent a month in the drug rehab facility Wonderland back in January and her mother Dina has stated that Lindsay belongs to AA and of course, had been working hard to stay focused on her “recovery” since her rehab stint.  It appears that in this case working hard means something different to Lindsay. 

With frenemie Paris Hilton about to begin her stint in jail for her DUI and subsequent suspended license violation on June 5, it’s likely that LA prosecutors will be cracking down on Lindsay as well.  What’s deeply ironic about all of this is Lindsay’s mother, the duplicitous Dina Lohan, has been blabbing her mouth all around town about how grounded and adjusted Lindsay is, instead of stepping up and being a good mother to her daughter.  Lindsay is technically an adult, but her behavior reveals what is typical for many people her age: a complete and utter lack of responsibility for their actions.  Lindsay had several peers pave the way for her in what NOT to do.  From Lane Garrison’s drinking, speeding, and cocaine use which resulted in the death of a 17-year old boy – to Paris Hilton and BFF Nicole Richie’s DUI arrests, Lindsay REALLY should have known better.

With all the resources and money at their disposal, why these Hollywood-types continue to drink and drive their stupid asses around is beyond me.  It’s flagrant hubris and arrogance at its highest level. 

Lindsay’s lucky her didn’t kill someone, not that she’d care one bit.  For her sake, I hope she gets the book thrown at her.  Literally, I hope someone throws a book at her.  Like the Holy Bible.  Unabridged version.

Dumbass.

In what has to be one of the most glaring examples of irony ever witnessed on camera, a security video camera captured a small child destroy a work of painstakingly created art within seconds.

The art piece called a “mandala,” was part of eight Tibetan monks year-long tour of the United States in their effort to raise money to rebuild their monastery in Tibet. Sadly, their original had been destroyed.  The ”sitting” monks had already spent two days working on their masterpiece, using special techniques, colored sand and intense concentration.  This particular display was meant to depict compassion, and the practice, like much of Buddhist training, is designed to teach patience. 

The surveillance camera shows the small child slip in under the protective rope (that said “Do Not Cross) after the monks had left for the day.  They were only halfway through their creation when the tyke sauntered over, innocently enough, examined and then did a sweet little Fred Astaire number on the piece.

This  is completely typical of little kids (which is why I keep mine in cuffs and on a leash - seriously!), but what makes this story so endearing is the monks reaction to the overly-harsh criticism leveled at their creative endeavors:

“No problem,” Geshe Lobsang Sumdup, leader of the group from the Drepung Gomang Monastery in southern India, said through a translator. “We didn’t get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder.”

My mother, who is a practicing Buddhist would say this response is typical.  Buddhism which is more complicated than my wee brain can handle, seems to embrace some sort of intricate philosophy that is best described as “when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade “ and I could totally hear my mom saying something worldy and wise like: “There is a significant meaning in watching something you meticulously  struggled to create, only to have it destroyed by a young soul seeking to become one with the work.”

To which my response would be: “Really Mom? I was thinking about rubbing some sand in his eyes.”

Clearly, I am still struggling to surmount my inner rage.

Thanks be to Radar!

Wow, Rosie’s gone full tilt-o-whirl on this Hasselbeck/View fight nonsense.  Girlfriend needs to gain some perspective, step out of her insular box a bit.

Latest news in the Rosie/Elisabeth flare up is that Rosie’s writer for the show and long-time friend Janette Barber was escorted from the ABC studios for “defacing” property, and Rosie trashed her dressing room.  When we say defacing, what we mean is Barber drew mustaches on pictures of Elisabeth that are displayed at the View studio shortly after the on-air fight between Hasselbeck and O’Donnell occurred on Wednesday.

Let me take a moment to remind you that these are grown women.  Rosie is 45 years-old and Elisabeth is 30.  I love how during virtually every fight I have been forced to read about between these two, Rosie talks about how young Elisabeth is that’s why she doesn’t know any better.  Well Rosie, while I may think that Elisabeth has some truly warped ideas about things (like her belief in creationism, for example, is an enormous load of steaming horsecrap) I do think she has a point about our troops.

Allow me to go off on a brief tangent here: we should not be in Iraq, ok.  Most people agree with that.  But that doesn’t mean our troops, who elected to do a job that I couldn’t do, nor would want my children to do, but a job that needs to be done by someone, don’t deserve our respect or support.  It’s not their fault that our President is a total doofus, they are merely doing what has been asked of them.  It’s not their place to question their specific orders.  That doesn’t mean they like their job, or agree with it, but they understand the loyalty aspect of what they signed up for.  So really, implying that they (and ostensibly Americans in general) are terrorists is well, asking for trouble.  And that’s what you got Rosie, trouble.

So now that your weewiddle feelings are all hurt and you think you have been misunderstood and victimized, and rather than doing the mature thing and taking a deep breath, sucking it up and saying “Oops, I put my foot in my mouth, here’s what I meant to say,” like Elisabeth suggested you do, you are going on the offensive and acting like a big baby.  The only thing worse than making a mistake (and believe me, I know about making mistakes) is not taking responsibility for it.

And as for this little video wherein you are implying that somehow you were maligned by Barbara and Elisabeth, while you poor, old Rosie is being attack for standing up for her beliefs — all I can say is WOW.  Grow the f*ck up already, what are you, like 45 or something?  Cripes, get over yourself.

That said, Cyndi Lauper RULES!!!

Jessica Simpson, recently separated from her main squeeze John Mayer, is now spouting philosophical musings, reading books and apparently following around A-list actors who promote ecological responsibility.

Page Six is reporting that Jessica was seen following The Departed star Leonardo DiCaprio around while sailing on a private yacht during her visit to Cannes:

Jessica Simpson was at an exclusive party on a private yacht after the Vanity Fair party at the Hotel Du Cap Saturday night, but she wasn’t fitting in with fellow guests. The part-time girlfriend of John Mayer “spent the whole night following Leonardo DiCaprio around like a lost puppy,” said our source. “He just seemed freaked out and kind of ignored her.” Simpson’s rep could not be reached.

And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, Jessica recently posted this glimmering gem of wisdom on her official website:

I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention - “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this… What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action? Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better? I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to… In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery.”

This is just sad, Jess’ clearly trying hard to change our perception of her and makes us see her a whole new light.  She became a brunette, she dated an earthy crooner and now she’s reading books, but the dim bulb within continues to flicker and fade. I feel sorry for her. Jessica seems sweet enough, but clearly she wasn’t as gifted in the brains department as she was the breasts department. 

This happens sometimes.  It’s called balance.  Our great creator in his infinite wisdom, rarely sees fit to grant us all we need to be a “whole package.” This is why supermodels are usually stupid and/or b*tches, smart women aren’t always the prettiest, why jocks are often inarticulate troglodytes, bloggers are fat and bitter and Jessica Simpson has naturally huge knockers and not a brain betwixt her enormous ears.   She should embrace the “assets” she was given and work that angle.  It’s what I like to call living an “adequite” and “authentic” life.

There are exceptions of course, Milla Jovovich is a supermodel who is both smart and nice, Natalie Portman is quite pretty and highly intelligent, Michael Jordan is capable of intelligent conversation and can wipe the court with yo’ ass, and of couse there’s Scarlett Johansson who has a spectacular and natural rack, plus reads books and stuff.  

And as for bloggers — well I am the exception not the rule — for not only am a blogger who was  granted with searing insight and worldly wisdom, but also vast beauty (and sadly a small rack and a big butt - so it all works out in the end.) 

AND I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT IT!