Britney Spears, not to be outdone by Lindsay Lohan, has made a point of keeping her good name in the tabloids with all sorts of tawdryness.

Earlier (one post down to be exact) we discussed an interview Britney was doing with OK! Magazine, which was being touted as a “let it all hang out” sort of thing. Kind of like Britney’s outfits, but I digress y’all. Now before you get all in a twitter, it seems the handsome folks at Mollygood have some updates about that. Apparently it’s not as bad as it was first described, which in light of how bad is was first described is kind of a bummer. From an article in the Daily Mail:

She [Britney] was “completely out of it” during the shoot and the photos are so bad that to publish them could “kill her career”.

Apparently Britney was snapped with her eyes rolled back in her head. Her mood, they claim, was extremely erratic. The website reported: “She was also completely paranoid … fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her.”

She then ordered some fried chicken and when she’d finished eating, wiped her sticky fingers on a several-thousand dollar Gucci dress she was wearing for the shoot. Then, as a foul finale, Brit’s little lapdog pooped all over the floor, and she reportedly used a Chanel dress to mop it up.

So does this mean we won’t see Britney wipe KFC on Gucci, clean dogcrap with Chanel, and turn down hair and beauty professionals for her own “skanky” people? The same skanks who we know are trained in the art of whore chic and hillbilly haute couture. I mean gosh, just look at Britney, she is like some kind of Venus. You know, the planet made up of smelly, deadly gases.

Oh, and just in case that didn’t make you feel all sorts of queasy, there are additional rumors that little Brit-Brit (or as we like to think of her, Malibu’s own Daisy Mae) is pregnant. Again. And she doesn’t know the baby’s father. Which if you think about it, is kind of a good thing really because look how well the first two pregnancies turned out when we KNEW who the father was.

No offense SPF and JJ, just sayin’ is all.

Anyway, all in all, this was a good week for Glosslip to stop slacking off. I mean how fair is it to earn $1.35 a day and not do any work. It’s like grand larceny or something.

Above is a picture of Britney Spears on a film shoot for a new music video. Really? Haven’t we all suffered enough? Are my prayers falling on deaf ears? Well I guess that’s obvious.

I really hate to be negative. Well, maybe “hate” is a strong word. Perhaps prefer NOT to be negative is more appropriate, but what kind of mirrors do they have in Britney’s house? Funhouse mirrors? Trick mirrors? Maybe it’s like that magical mirror in Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. You know, the one where you see what you WANT to see, not the trainwreck standing before you. And are those around her intentionally going out of their way to make her look like absolute hell?

Britney is also said to have completed a tell-all interview with OK! Magazine where she will talk about her mommy dearest, Small Fry and Tator Tot, The Federator and the dementia she is apparently suffering from. Okay, I was kidding about that last part. But still? OK! Magazine? Why not The National Enquirer for crying out loud? These girls are so trifling. Here’s the statement from OK!’s editor Sarah Ivens:

“OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.”

Well I am sure it was heartbreaking, as any day with Britney Spears should be viewed as a tragedy, but I don’t know about the whole “truth will be told” crap. Didn’t she tell Matt Lauer the truth about how great her life is and how in love she and K-Fed were? Yep, Britney is a veritable pillar of veracity.

And please spare me the Britneyspazmatics who can’t bear to hear a word of criticism about their beloved trailer park angel, because instead of making me feel bad about my critical analysis of the fallen poptart, your barely literate musings provide me with jovial fodder and we here at the Glosslip family gather ’round to read them out loud as part of our evening amusement ritual.

Kind of like a hillbilly rendition of Garrison Kellor. Except on crack, maybe we could call it a Mobile Home Companion.

That’s right folks, Lindsay Lohan, fresh out of her 45-day stay in rehab was busted last night for speeding, driving while under the influence of alcohol AND she will likely be charged with conveyance, as she was found with cocaine on her person after she was taken into custody.

According to various sources AND of course TMZ, Lohan was arrested in Santa Monica in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Police received a tip of a car chasing another car and it appears it was Lindsay, intoxicated and coked out, doing the chasing. Here’s a list of the possible charges:

Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13, well over the .08 legal limit.

Cops tell TMZ cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

Lindsay’s bail was set at 25K and she has since been released. This is Lindsay’s 2nd DUI and arrest in the past 3 months. She turned herself over to police just this past week for charges stemming from her May 31 crash and 1st DUI. Lindsay will likely do jail time considering the felonies she is facing for the narcotics possession. As for the SCRAM unit she was voluntarily wearing to detect alcohol in her system, well, needless to say that was NOT a deterent. The same could be said for her stay in rehab. Rehab is a real joke I’d say.

Okay, so like Wow! Just friggin’ holy mothereffing WOW!!! Could Lindsay Lohan be any more stupid, reckless, ignorant and pathetic? Wait, don’t answer that question, it was rhetorical. I want to feel sorry for her, I really do. Her mother is possibly the worst mother on record in the history of the human species. Her dad? Well, at least he’s tried to reach out to her, albeit WAY TOO late. And those around her, what kind of bloodsucking vampires must they be? Truly vile and truly evil.

Lindsay will not make it to her 22nd birthday. That’s not a predicition, that is a foregone conclusion. I dare HER to prove me wrong.

G*ddamn this crap is getting old.

Ya know, you’d expect this sort of this from Vogue or Cosmo — those superficial rags — but not REDBOOK for crying outloud.

A dear friend sent me this link to a great site and they do a wonderful job showing how magazines are undermining our confidence (our=women) by taking a perfectly gorgeous woman in her late 30’s and erasing all of her wisdom, love, laughter and joy from her face. Instead what we have, is a photoshopped version of what someone else considers attractive and appealing based on demographics, feminine insecurity and the fashion industry.

I can’t tell you the hours of each day I spend worrying about my many flaws, some I am sure that only I am aware of. Mostly just random thoughts of “Sheesh, these lines around my eyes are getting deeper!” or “Why can’t my boobs be in proportion to my ass?” Just casual concerns that pass by filling up space that would be better used say praying, thinking about loved ones, brainstorming book ideas, whatever. And before you label me as shallow and easily manipulated, trust me when I tell you ALL women worry about this crap to some degree, even those who seem far removed from the world of glamor, and most likely, wear comfortable shoes (if you know what I am saying.) While I am not grotesquely insecure or burdened with any overwhelming feelings of a lack of self-worth, I can’t help but be stimulated by the subliminal messages I am bombarded with from TV, radio, internet, magazines or life.

So, thanks Redbook and all you other prevaricators of the truth, thank you for going above and beyond the call of duty, because until you retouched Faith Hill’s photo, she was a unG*dly mess and clearly unfit to grace your fair cover.

A-holes!!!

And by sexy, what I mean to imply is cheesy. Above is a picture of Lilo with some dude she must have picked up at one of those Hollywood parties where the coke flows like a river and STD’s are a blisterin’. Seriously, this guy looks like something straight out of Studio 54. What’s he like 40? Cripes when did 40 become the new 20? Scratch that, I’m almost 40, except my plastic surgeon says I could easily pass for 37, or was that the creepy guy at the beverage drive thru?

Whatever, the point is, this guy has scuzball written all over his face and while that’s RIGHT UP Liho’s alley, I can’t help but be suspicious. How much you want to bet his favorite line to use on the starstruck hos is “Hey baby, are you an actress? Wanna be.” Forget drug rehab, what Lindsay needs is boyfriend rehab. I’ve seen more discriminating taste from deranged crackheads. For reals!!

Photo: Splash

It’s been a while (like a whole two weeks or something) since we’ve mentioned the 5′10″ human condom more commonly known as Paris Hilton. So here she is, wearing what has to be the most egregiously designed bathing suit. Seriously who wants that kind of tan line?

And, of course it wouldn’t be a Paris outing without showing her eensie weensie teensie bug bites.

Gawd, Paris is such a boring whore.

Nips after the jump, but why bother, haven’t we been tortured enough?

But wait, there’s more…

Celebrity news just hasn’t been the same since its ringleader Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab back in late May after crashing her car in LA. Lohan was charged with DUI and will likely face other charges stemming her accident, including underage drinking, having cocaine in her system and leaving the scene of an accident. Lohan, who voluntarily checked herself into Malibu Promises rehab facility was released on Friday July 13 having completed 45 days of rehab.

Lohan, who through her reps claims to be clean and sober, celebrated her freedom at Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas with friends, supposedly drinking “Red Bull” and “water.” She is said to have left the club with illusionist Criss Angel. I sure hope Cameron was done with him. I wouldn’t want to cross that barracuda.

While it’s certainly a free country and Lindsay is NOW 21 (as of July 2), surely it can’t be a good sign to spend your first days out of rehab at a nightclub in Las Vegas –but — far be it from me to judge. In other Lindsay related news, there are now some widespread rumors that Lindsay Lohan is still being “victimized” by her former flame, Calum Best. TMZ is reporting that celebrity news website CelebSlam.com is threatening to post naked pictures of Lindsay that were allegedly taken by Best, presumably when the two were still dating. From the TMZ report:

In what CelebSlam.com claims is an online chat between its owner and Lohan, LiLo says that a hacker “broke into my computer and left a file on my desktop saying he got the pictures Cal took from me naked.” Also in the “chat,” Lindsay says her lawyers have been contacted, and Page Six talked to her rep, who says, “Anything is possible. I know nothing about it.”

Is everyone in Hollywood retarded? Cuz’ clearly celeb reps can’t read, don’t have computers, watch TV or listen to the radio. How can they not know something that everyone else in the freeworld is aware of? Liars.

Anyway, I really don’t think Calum Best can show us anything that Firecrotch hasn’t already shown us. How much you wanna bet Lohan is behind this stunt? She can’t go one day without some kind of drama-filled, attention-whore getting nonsense. Allow me to save CelebSlam the trouble. After the jump pictures of Firecrotch and Firenipple. Either squint and use your imagination, or bust out some photoshop and have at it, because Lindsay has NOTHING left to show that we haven’t already seen too much of. There are national monuments that have had less exposure. NSFW or your mind!
But wait, there’s more…

Britney Spears, who has been battling her mother Lynn, including rumors that she has cut her mother out of her will and made her younger sister Jamie Lynn the benefactor of her estate and children, was seen playing with her new manny, Sean Preston and Jayden James over the weekend.

And can I just say that Britney is a mess. I mean like the kind of mess you see after raccoons have gotten into your trashcan and left rotted food, dirty diapers and shredded pieces of junk mail all over your front lawn. Not only does it smell bad and look disgusting it also really pisses you off.

Just like Britney.

The lengths that Britney Spears is willing to go to in order to exact revenge on her mother for forcing her batsh*t crazy ass into rehab is not only pathetic and reeks of severe immaturity, but its counter-productive. The mess Britney has gotten herself into and become is only one person’s fault, Paris Hilton. No, wait, I’m just kidding, it’s her own. If she weren’t such a dumb ridge-running backwoods trailer dweller she might have had a chance of recouping her losses, but at this point she is merely tabloid fodder put out there to be scrutinized and criticized and I don’t feel sorry for her anymore.

Also, Britney’s stylist needs to be shot. Wait, she IS her stylist. Nevermind.

To enjoy more pictures like these (enjoy being a generous term) please go here.  But don’t say you haven’t been warned.

While I cannot independently confirm or deny this rumor, TMZ and In Touch Magazine feel comfortable enough to move forward, so that’s good enough for me.  

Nicole Richie is said to be about 3-months pregnant (and always the picture of health!!) and it is assumed that the child is her boyfriend’s, Joel Madden, frontman for the almost punk band Good Charlotte. 

If you will recall, Joel dated pop singer Hilary Duff a while back but broke up with her because she was too mature for his liking and expected him to, um, not act like a 12-year-old d-bag.  Sadly Madden, who is 27, was unable to acquiesce to Hilary’s (age 20) outrageous demands for age-appropriate behavior and the two broke up. Fortunately for Joel, Nicole Richie is 26 and is said to have the emotional maturity of a 7-year old, so if you do some quick math, (minus 5, carry the 2, subtract the 3) er that makes them perfect for each other.   And baby makes 3. 

Would I be going out on a limb here to say that this is the most selfish and pathetic attempt to avoid jailtime ever cooked up by two sh*tforbrains?  Rumors are that Nicole and Joel were “hoping” Nicole’s pregnancy would afford her some leniency during her upcoming court date on July 11 for a DUI arrest back in February.  Nicole was pulled over for driving the wrong way on the freeway.  She admitted to police that she had smoked marijuana and was on vicodin while driving - proving that she isn’t just a bad driver, but also a particular kind of stupid.

I can’t wait to see the outcome of this one - both the birth AND the court appearance.

GRRRRREAT! Two dumbasses breeding, the circle of life is complete.

Cripes, Armageddon can’t come soon enough.

While some are commenting on the overt and salacious merits of the above photo of Paris Hilton sunbathing in Hawaii, it is my belief that Ms. Hilton has finally discovered her modest side and showed a great deal of restraint and good judgment covering up her beartrap in public (or private for that matter) — which is a first for the heiress.

Clearly Paris’ time in the slammer has had a tremendously positive impact on this fine young lady and I expect great things from her in the future; like teaching orphans to swim, or saving dolphins from tuna fishers, or live nude bowling out by the LAX airport.  You know, monumental moments of personal growth.

Did anyone notice any seagulls swarming nearby?

Pic courtesy of those pervs at TMZ!

Come to think of it, maybe she was just re-enacting this previous vision of sheer delight!?
But wait, there’s more…