Well, we gave Britney’s new singles a listen and while they weren’t the worst things we’ve ever heard (that’s a title reserved almost exclusively for most death metal music) they weren’t very inspired either. They were well, Britneyesque. You can listen to “Gimme More” and “Cold As Fire” here. Why? ‘Cuz, it’s your time to waste. Thankfully, in my music-listening world Britney Spears and I don’t cross paths, so the aural assault that awaits the world of pop music will not affect me.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for her ass, something Britney seems compelled by some internal force of unnatural will to expose my eyes too. It’s not that I don’t appreciate looking at asses in general, I just don’t like looking at her ass. There are so many dents, crevices, hills and valleys — it’s like some kind of obscene topographical map. And I hate geography.

This whole Britney nonsense is an excellent example of why I have become so jaded, bordering on misanthropy. For those who are still in some kind of denial about Britney, let me set you straight: homegirl is a knucklehead. A grade A hillbilly. A big zero. Even in her heyday she was a two thumbs down, and honestly if you don’t see what I am saying, then no amount of charts, diagrams, bullet points and reasoned arguments are going to convince you otherwise.  Britney Spears is no more appealing or talented than any other ho trolling the Kroger parking lot in her Trans Am looking for a good time.

Pop music is contrived and trite at its highest level. And that’s okay, because it listenable and it makes people feel happy. But Britney never should have been at its highest level. Britney Spears squandered whatever slight modicum and fleeting talent she had and has been living like a pig in sh*t for too long. I am offended that as we enter the new millennium we are still plagued by such mediocre talent. I am not some kind of music snob. I like ALL sorts of music and artists. I respect talent of any kind. Music has always been an important component in my life, so I can completely appreciate the artistry and creativity that goes into its creation.

But Britney isn’t writing this music, hell she’s barely singing it. Britney is the product of studio magic and all she had to do was not let the world see the ickiness that lurks beneath her veneer. But alas, like most celebrities, Britney is under the delusion that she is special.

Clearly she misunderstood what it means to ride the short bus.

In the continuing drama that is the life of Britney Spears, the latest news to pop up is that Britney’s ex, Kevin Federline, is going balls out to keep her from having custody of their two children, 23-month-old Sean Preston and 11-month-old Jayden James.

K-Fed may even be the responsible party behind the recent investigation by the DCFS and unscheduled hearing to discuss abuse charges. The DCFS is stating they have received several anonymous tips about possible abuse allegations in reference to Britney’s children while in her care. Some sources are claiming that while the abuse claims are not of a physical nature, she is neglecting her responsibilities as their mother, with charges ranging from the bizarre, but completely disgusting assertion that she does not brush their teeth (but uses Crest whitening strips WTF?), gives them booze to make them sleepy and compliant and keeps them up late so they won’t bother her in the morning.

I can totally see this happening. Just look at the above pic. While there is nothing particularly untoward about what’s happening to the untrained eye, as a mother I can see several things that are totally uncool. First and foremost, smoking in front of small children is a exceptionally selfish thing to do, secondly, having your cigarette dangle so closely to their faces is even worse. Then there’s the fact that this little man is completely unclothed outside when she knows there are paps climbing out her every orifice. Not to mention the blank and vacant expression on her face, which if you ask me, looks like someone whose been popping Natural Lite tabs all morning and possibly some Nyquil and Redbull.

And last but not least: Britney + that bathing suit. I guess that’s not really germane to this discussion, I just wanted to mention how much it offended me.

TMZ reports:

“An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court.

“We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation.

“A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

“A rep for Britney did not immediately return our request for comment.”

Well, that doesn’t sound good. *Sigh* I don’t know how many different ways I can say this, but I will give it another shot.

Britney is simply too stupid to be a mother. Or in other words, her intelligence quotient is such that she is incapable of making sound judgments when it comes to the care and concern of young minds still in the stages of being formed and molded. People of Britney’s mental abilities are typically assigned to making overpriced lightbulbs that are then sold to guilt-ridden members of society at a greatly increased markup. In summary, there are inanimate objects within our universe when in the presence of children have far more positive impact than Britney Spears. It’s as though she sucks the smart out of a room.

This is all very unfortunate and I feel sorry for her children, and certainly even Britney, who most likely loves her children. Though I imagine her love is akin to the way a toddler loves a new toy: intensely, but fleetingly. Sometimes, loving your children isn’t enough, you have to also be able to formulate appropriate thought patterns in such a way that coincide with basic social mores and scientific evidence available as it applies to child-rearing.

We all want our children to be quiet and compliant much of the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to squander their braincells with booze and sugar, deprive them of sleep and deliberately rot out their teeth.

As strange as it is to say this, these two toddlers would be better off in the care of their father, who as we know, is Kevin Federline. AKA: K-Fed, Shifty McShiftless, Wangsta Extraordinaire, MacDaddy von Baller, Whorey El Whoremonger, ecetera and so on.

This simple fact alone may be the most glaring indictment of one’s failure at motherhood.

Photo Source: www.Britney.cl, visit for more in this series.

News stories are emerging today that Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson made a failed suicide attempt this weekend and was transported from his Santa Monica home for emergency care after he was discovered by a family member with “superficial lacerations” on his wrists and an almost empty bottle of undisclosed pills near his person. Emergency personnel were contacted at approximately noon on Sunday and were dispatched to Wilson’s home where he was found unconscious.

No official statement has been disclosed to the press, but he is said to be with his brothers Luke and Andrew.

So, why would Owen, the purveyor of many a fine lady in Hollywood want to off himself? Was it Kate Hudson dumping his ass? Could it be his faltering career (You, Me and Dupree anyone?) or could it be a drug problem, as was hinted at by Malcolm McDowell on the radio this morning?

While being interviewed for his upcoming film Halloween, McDowell (A Clockwork Orange) spoke with Cleveland radio host Rover (talk show host for syndicated show “Rover’s Morning Glory“) and was informed of the suicide attempt by Wilson. In an off-the-cuff statement, McDowell said “that’s what that stuff will do to you.” Stuff being drugs, with cocaine being the implied drug of choice. McDowell later tried to re-clarify his statement by saying that he wasn’t sure if drugs were involved, but if they were, they could have contributed to Owen’s suicide attempt.

McDowell went on to say that Owen was one of the nicest fellows he’s worked with in Hollywood and hoped he was getting help. The two worked together on the film I Spy with Eddie Murphy in 2002. Maybe McDowell was speculating, or perhaps he knows more about the private Owen than we do.

This would hardly be the first casualty of Hollywood to succumb to the ravages of drug abuse, and if true, Owen wouldn’t be the first “funny man” to try to self-medicate his demons, especially with the “white lady” (John Bulushi, Richard Pryor, Chris Farley, Lenny Bruce, so on and so forth ad nauseam) but he isn’t the first person I would think of to attempt suicide.

You know what they say about the tears of clown…when no one’s around. Sad, sad, sad.

Owen, dude, seriously, what more do you want out of life? You’ve had half the panties in Hollywood, you are a working actor getting paid nice coin for your work and you are 50% responsible for the genius that is Wedding Crashers — don’t be greedy AND stupid. Stay away from the white lines man, get some help and find a nice girl to love, the rest will take care of itself.

It’s life, not rocket science. Sheesh.

UPDATE:  Owen has issued a statement to the press and is currently seeking treatment at Cedars Sinai Hospital in LA where he has been visited by his family, including brothers Andrew and Luke.

“I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.”

There’s no word yet on what led to the comedic actor’s suicide attempt, but stories are beginning to emerge of drug and alcohol issues from his not so distant past.  Star is citing a source who states that they were in AA with Owen, where he was seeking counseling for alcohol and drug related issues, especially prescription pills.  According to the source, as Owen’s career began to take off he was seen at the meetings less and less, and quit coming in 2006 altogether. 

It really is sad to watch someone as fun-loving as Owen Wilson seems to be battle a deadly addiction to alcohol — but it is NOT shocking considering his profession and environment.  Hollywood is no place for the weak.  Good luck man.

I know getting old happens to all of us, but what happened to Richard Grieco (remember 21 Jump Street?  mmm, Off. Booker) is not a raging case of the old, but rather a raging case of the “Hollywood.”

When Johnny Depp left 21 Jump Street to pursue a real acting career, the execs brought in Richard to fill his “hottie” spot for the young female demographics (of which I belonged, thank you very much). He wasn’t Johnny, but he sure knew how to work those eyebrows.

Then the “Hollywood” hit him. Don’t know what the Hollywood is? Well it consist of a toxic dose of coke, alcohol, skanky whores, neglect, straight to DVD movies, TV spots, living on the edge and most likely some botched plastic surgery.

Richard is 42 years old and looks beat down. Hard. Like with a bat to the face. This kind of thing is deserving of a strongly worded letter to someone. First Mickey Rourke and now Richard Grieco? For pete’s sake, is NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For proof that failure in Hollywood will make you ugly, here’s Johnny Depp, then 24 and now, at age 45. You do the math. Age has nothing to do with what’s happened to Richard.

Source: Dlisted 

In this day and age of decadence and hedonism, personal vice is measured on a sliding scale. Perhaps this a good thing. As a society we finally seem to be cracking down on violent crimes and slacking off on “victimless” crimes, and by “victimless” I mean where no one was actually harmed, even if the potential to do so was exceedingly high.

As I stated in an earlier post, Nicole Richie is practically a genius and a saint compared to her celebu-peers. Not only did she avoid most of the road-bumps her best pal Paris Hilton managed hit at full speed, she essentially escaped her brush with the law unscathed, having spent a mere 82 minutes being incarcerated.  Justice is served yo!

According to TMZ, the virtual authority on all things celebrity these days, here is the official statement from the L.A. County Sheriff’s office:

On August 23 2007, at 3:15 PM Miss Nicole Camille Richie reported to CRDF and surrendered herself following a July 27 arrest, she was sentenced to serve 96 hours in County Jail. Miss Richie was accompanied by her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley and her boyfriend Joel Madden. Miss Richie was booked and processed into the jail system. Miss Richie was cooperative during the process. Based on her sentence and federal court guidelines, Miss Richie was released at 4:37 PM today.

So there you have it. Miss Richie was cooperative. Also, she’s a celebrity and more likely than not, poses no threat to society (if you don’t include The Simple Life) and with fingers crossed, let’s hope she’s learned her lesson. Buh, bye!

What about Lindsay Lohan? Yesterday was also a big day for her legal entanglements, and like Nicole, she fared quite well despite a number of possible outcomes.

If you will recall, Lindsay was busted a few weeks back for her second DUI and as well as, another cocaine possession charge in less than three months. After an amazing display of legal finagling, Lindsay’s lawyer Blair Berk had all of Lindsay’s charges reduced to misdemeanors and in the end Lindsay ended up with a 1-day sentence in jail (plus community service, probation, fines and mandatory drug and alcohol treatment.)  Most likely Lindsay won’t even end up serving the entire 24-hours, because she like Nicole, didn’t try to fight it in court and instead copped a plea deal.

Initially, Lindsay denied any wrong-doing the day after her incident, but then released this statement yesterday to TMZ:

“It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.”

Well, Lindsay it’s about time your PR people craft a statement that reflects the reality of your current situation. You my dear, are a drug addict and an alcoholic. This is not some random incident that you mistakenly stepped into, this is the status quo of someone who lives their life indulging in excesses and takes zero responsibility for their actions — however dangerous and irresponsible those actions may be. I sincerely hope that you believe those words above and take them seriously. Your talent is undeniable, but LOADS and LOADS of people have talent. You are nothing special unless you take an active part in becoming so.

The most telling quote regarding the leniency that was shown Lohan came from a law enforcement source:

“Prosecutors in this county see a lot of kids in crisis. There are lots of kids struggling with addiction. The first sign of trouble usually involves a car. We’re not going to throw every one of them in prison. It doesn’t make sense.”

And that’s exactly right. Lindsay’s age, highly visible profile and profoundly f*cked up family contributed greatly to her downfall. Her parents Dina and Michael Lohan are already on the Dark Lord’s (not Voldemort, the other guy) list of bad, bad, bad people. Their greed, selfishness and utter incompetence as parents are to blame for most of Lindsay’s issues. At the tender age of 21, you typically shouldn’t see this type of self-destructive behavior unless A.) you have mental problems or B.) your parents suck ass.

In Lindsay’s case, there’s a heavy emphasis on B and probably a sprinkling of A.

And by sexual dysfunction, what I mean to say is Adam Levine is incapable of keeping his fat piehole shut about his inability to satisfy his ex-girlfriend, tennis star Maria Sharapova.  Levine is credited with the below quote about his former lover Sharapova as reported in The Sun:

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex.I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration’. It was so disillusioning that I went on (anxiety disorder drug) Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”

Ok, let’s dissect this revelation bit by bit.

First of all, for those people out there who identify satisfying sex with over-the-top screaming and moaning: stop watching porn.  Like penises, each person is different and there’s no rule that says you have to act like some kind of howler monkey in order to have good sex.  If you want to moan and scream and make a general ass out of yourself and disturb the neighbors — have at it — but that does NOT mean everyone needs to express themselves vocally to prove they are having at good time.  

Second of all, what makes Adam think that Maria is a screamer.  Is there some tell-tale sign that we women are unaware of?  Is it the athlete thing?  Because if it is, Adam is full-on moron.  What kind of retarded logic predicts that just because a woman can wipe up the tennis court with your pale, flaccid, whiny ass, that she is some kind of sex-screamer?   Or is it because she’s hot?  Well, I’m hot and I like to keep my closed door escapades on the “DL” – and in no way does this diminish my hotness.

Third of all, why are you disappointed Adam?  Because you were hoping, like the drama-queen actresses and songstresses you are so compelled to nail and name drop, Maria didn’t feel the need to stroke your ego with some kind of gratuitious, operatic oratorio? Get over yourself dickbag.  I guess she just wasn’t that into what you had going on.

And last, but certainly not least, kissing and telling is not only tacky, but it has a unique was of backfiring on you and drawing more attention to your innate ”inadequacies” rather than embarrassing your former paramour.

Perhaps Adam, if you weren’t such a preening prick, parading your peacock feathers all about, you could let your schwang do the talking.  But therein lies the problem doesn’t it?  Too much cocky and not enough cock.  How disillusioning. 

It’s like waking up expecting to see Santa Claus and discovering you’re Jewish!

The above picture of Britney’s is from Allure’s forthcoming September issue. And it is compelling. The irony was not lost on me. Britney is indeed dying at her own hands, metaphorically choking the life out of herself through her own ignorance and stubbornness.

Of course there are more talented, harder-working and absolutely more intelligent celebrities we could talk about, but why? What Britney lacks in refinement and confidence, she makes up for in desperation and full-on crazy. She is without a doubt the most fascinating person in the world of entertainment. Not because she has created some kind of unique cultural movement or at the forefront of any ground-breaking renaissance of the arts, but simply because she is so precariously teetering on the edge of mental insanity.

What could be more titillating than watching a former goddess become a complete parody of herself.

Now, before you get yourselves all worked up over my outward glee at Britney’s expense, let me explain. Britney’s not smart. She knows she’s not smart. In fact, Britney probably suffers from some sort of debilitating learning disorder. On top of that, she’s arrogant and narcissistic. And let’s not forget, extremely insecure. That’s like a deadly cocktail of epic proportions. You give someone with so little, so much money and free reign over their “artistic” endeavors and you end up with a complete mess.

Maybe I am mean. Some readers seem to think so. But that would be short-sighted on their part. I don’t wish Britney ill will. I just wish she would quit it. And by “it” I mean pretending, pretending that she can re-invent herself without some professional assistance. And by professional assistance I mean people who are PROFESSIONALS. Not a bunch of crackhead sycophants licking her sphincter and feeding into her delusional pretenses of being a superstar.

Seriously Britney, I am trying to help you here. I want for you what I would want for any other human: to live up to your potential by recognizing your weaknesses. Dressing like a whore whose brain has been addled with decades of hooch and meth is NOT your look. You aren’t fat, you aren’t ugly, and you DO indeed have a special quality, but you are NOT a stylist, or a publicist, or a songwriter and you must come to terms with these facts and let those with the skills you so clearly lack help you. If you do this, I have zero doubt you can find your way back to the pedestal you so desire.

And please don’t get me started on your mothering skills. One step at time baby!

(photo source: Breatheheavy.com )

Besides her ability to reproduce, Nicole Richie has one thing her peers seem unwilling to grasp: humility. Now, this isn’t to say that she is some kind of saint, but in her world of coke, booze and whoring it up, Richie has become a veritable well-spring of chastity, heck, she’s become so demure she’s like a modern day Audrey Hepburn.

Ok, perhaps I jest on that last bit.

Seriously though, when you look at Richie’s celeb-peers like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Nicole Richie seems to get it. Or at least her PR people do. In a recent interview (OK!) Nicole is quoted on the cover as saying “I could have killed someone,” in response to her DUI and reckless driving on the freeway back in February. Nicole also confessed to her wrong-doing at the time of her accident, admitting to police that, yes, she was under the influence of vicodin and marijuana by-golly.

Granted, her excuse for using the painkiller and illegal substance was somewhat dubious (painful menstral cramps) she did own up to it on the spot. She gets points in my book for having at least done that. It’s been my experience that when caught doing something wrong, the best response is to tell the truth from the beginning. People aren’t expecting it, and truthfulness is a fairly noble trait. We all sin, no doubt, but coming clean and admitting you sinned is the first step to being forgiven.

Nicole’s admittance and acceptance of her poor judgment are in stark contrast to Lindsay Lohan’s blatant denial of wrong-doing in her recent spate of felonies, including, but certainly not limited to: speeding, driving while under the influence of alcohol and cocaine, commandeering a vehicle and holding the occupants of the vehicle hostage while she went on a driving rampage through the streets. Talk about “could have killed someone” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Lindsay Lohan’s was practically on her way to becoming some kind of vehicular serial killer.

Then of course there’s Paris Hilton and her whole “in and out” of jail bullshit. Hilton and her camp had the entire nation gripped in some kind retarded drama regarding her fate, as if the free-world’s security were dependent on her being released from jail before her weave became knotted and her manicure mussed. Paris, who has probably spent a small fortune on trying to revamp her image, need have done only ONE thing: accept her fate as it was handed to her. Had she done her time without complaint and kept her mouth shut — even Paris could have become a hero. Well, at least as far as wonky-eyed, narcissistic disease carriers go.

Then of course there’s Britney Spears. You have to ask yourself is it really fair to pick on someone with special needs? I suppose when they are parading themselves around like some sort of role model for young girls, it’s ok to criticize. Granted, Britney hasn’t been “caught” by the establishment (yet!) , but that’s simply because she is too stupid to be left to her own devices and is surrounded by minders and bodyguards much of the time. It would seem though, with the looming child custody hearings she’s about to be embroiled in, it is only a matter of time before the depth of her depravity and reckless behavior come to light.

Here’s the bottom line. Celebrities don’t have to live by the same standards as us regular folks. Our expectations on their behavior are really low. As long as they don’t rape babies, stab puppies and take dumps on the homeless, they can pretty much do whatever they please. But, geez when you DO get caught being a f*ck up, do us a favor and just admit you eff-ed up. We’ll forgive you, because we’re lame like that.

What is wrong with the above picture?

The mother of that child should be brutally punished for allowing her child to be within a square mile radius of Paris Hilton. I am pretty sure that children aren’t vaccinated for herpatitis until age three. Also, does anyone know how easily spread crabs are from one person to another? Armed with that knowledge, this may constitute child abuse.

One last note, who holds a baby like that? Then again, this is Paris Hilton we are talking about, she knows how to work a prop.

I offer exhibit A.

Awww!!! See, you hardly even notice her. Next time she should just cover her face with puppies and babies and all will be forgiven. Maybe.

Source: SplashnewsOnline 

Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly contemplative, I wonder why celebrities can be such raging a-holes. To be more specific, why Britney Spears is so outlandishly beyond hope at the tender age of 25. I would like think that if I had access to all of the resources she does (did) that I would be able to ride that gravy train until I was well into my 30’s and possibly even my early 40’s. Let’s face it, Britney Spears fame and wealth were a product of very calculated efforts on the part of savvy marketers, industry professional and media experts. When you take away the thin veneer that disguised her lack of intelligence, charm, wit and talent, what you have left is a pair of sweaty daisy dukes, a couple of stained wifebeaters and some tacky Wet n’ Wild cosmetics.

The transformation which took place within Ms. Spears after she spurned those willing to shield her from the harshest of realities is nothing short of tragic. This is an object lesson for us mere mortals. What we see being spoon-fed to us by men in suits is the greatest kind of illusion. Britney without professional handlers, producers, music writers, backup dancers, stylists and most clearly her family, is a Britney not worth paying attention to.

That’s not to say that as an individual human being Britney is worth nothing, I genuinely don’t feel that way. She’s a mom, a daughter, a sister and probably even a friend to some, surely there are people who should and do care about her. But her magic as a celebrity is now gone and to see the awaiting paps in the above video falling all over themselves in feint concern, while cajoling this disaster of a human as she mindlessly hits another car, caused a papable sensation that can only be identified as nausea.

And that’s when it dawned on me. The sense of self-entitlement, the constant barrage of false praise and unearned accolades, always being told what you want to hear — it must truly warp a person’s sense of who they really are. Britney’s first concern was for her own car. Nevermind the innocent person’s vehicle she just struck. Not to mention that photogs persistent refrain of “Are you ok? Are you hurt Britney?”

Jeebus, she tapped a car going approximately 1 mph. Is she so fragile that this would cause her physical harm? Or maybe it was her emotional well-being they were worried about? Or MAYBE, even the camera wielding nitwits were so awestruck by her talent and charisma that they simply couldn’t help ingratiating themselves to Malibu’s very own trailer park Barbie.

Britney is on the verge of extinction. Either by her own hand, or the very fickle and gullible audience that once propelled her to fame. Without any discernible talent, even the public’s fascination with a trainwreck like Britney will eventually wane. Sadly, Britney is far too stupid to parse out the difference between those who follow her out of sheer curiosity as she implodes and actual fan worship.

Britney is barking mad.