GlossLip » Maroon Five’s Adam Levine Reveals Sexual Dysfunction

08/20/2007 (6:21 pm)

Maroon Five’s Adam Levine Reveals Sexual Dysfunction

And by sexual dysfunction, what I mean to say is Adam Levine is incapable of keeping his fat piehole shut about his inability to satisfy his ex-girlfriend, tennis star Maria Sharapova. Levine is credited with the below quote about his former lover Sharapova as reported in The Sun:

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex.I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration’. It was so disillusioning that I went on (anxiety disorder drug) Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”

Ok, let’s dissect this revelation bit by bit.

First of all, for those people out there who identify satisfying sex with over-the-top screaming and moaning: stop watching porn. Like penises, each person is different and there’s no rule that says you have to act like some kind of howler monkey in order to have good sex. If you want to moan and scream and make a general ass out of yourself and disturb the neighbors — have at it — but that does NOT mean everyone needs to express themselves vocally to prove they are having at good time.

Second of all, what makes Adam think that Maria is a screamer. Is there some tell-tale sign that we women are unaware of? Is it the athlete thing? Because if it is, Adam is full-on moron. What kind of retarded logic predicts that just because a woman can wipe up the tennis court with your pale, flaccid, whiny ass, that she is some kind of sex-screamer? Or is it because she’s hot? Well, I’m hot and I like to keep my closed door escapades on the “DL” – and in no way does this diminish my hotness.

Third of all, why are you disappointed Adam? Because you were hoping, like the drama-queen actresses and songstresses you are so compelled to nail and name drop, Maria didn’t feel the need to stroke your ego with some kind of gratuitious, operatic oratorio? Get over yourself dickbag. I guess she just wasn’t that into what you had going on.

And last, but certainly not least, kissing and telling is not only tacky, but it has a unique was of backfiring on you and drawing more attention to your innate ”inadequacies” rather than embarrassing your former paramour.

Perhaps Adam, if you weren’t such a preening prick, parading your peacock feathers all about, you could let your schwang do the talking. But therein lies the problem doesn’t it? Too much cocky and not enough cock. How disillusioning.

It’s like waking up expecting to see Santa Claus and discovering you’re Jewish!

Posted by D
Filed under: Attention Whores

14 Comments »

I thought women tennis players grunt. Anyway, everyone knows the real sluts are women curlers. Hurry! Harder!

Comment by the commentator — August 20, 2007 @ 8:21 pm

I knew a guy that thought all women were supposed to scream and moan because his mother always did to hurry her customers up and try to get tips. Maybe if a guy is playing with a short racket and can’t hit it over the net, he should play a different game!

Comment by Dick — August 21, 2007 @ 1:37 am

I always knew that guy was a douchebag.

Comment by Marnie — August 21, 2007 @ 3:02 pm

lmfao

Comment by Jason Meltzer Patterson — August 21, 2007 @ 5:16 pm

I’m guessing she had to have it quiet to ‘concentrate’ because this douchebag had so little to offer her in ‘that area’ - concentration obviously required to feel anything. She should have concentrated harder on NOT getting intimate with this fool in the first place.

Comment by Jewels — August 22, 2007 @ 6:22 pm

It’s usually the guys who either suck in bed or have small schwangs that love to blame their crappy skills on the woman. LOSER

Comment by D-Bomb — August 22, 2007 @ 9:42 pm

This is most depressing. You would think that Maria would be aggressive, but I guess not. Or, could it be that for the Maroon 5 Singer “it’s getting harder and harder to…”

Come chat at http://www.theasianman.com

Comment by Theasianman — August 23, 2007 @ 5:33 pm

Read it again, slowly. Take a few minutes to digest the information and ask yourself what the guy’s tone of voice would have been. If, after doing that, you can’t see the incredibly obvious truth - that he was being sarcastic - then proceed to the nearest tall building, do not pass go, do not forget to jump. Guy say his ex didn’t make any noise during sex so he had to go on anti-depressants. She didn’t let him make any noise because it ruined her concentration. IT’S A JOKE PEOPLE. FFS, LIGHTEN UP.

Comment by Carolyn — August 27, 2007 @ 12:04 am

that is gross. I am going to now stab myself in the eyes w/ a blunt kife as to stop the pain from reading that story.

*then I shall think of Johnny Depp*

Comment by EW — August 28, 2007 @ 2:25 am

C’mon,poor Adam!he made a mistake-it could happen to everyone-the truth is that actually Maria wasn’t the girl 4 him…maybe too cold 4 Adam….then the fact that she needs to “concentrate” is just ridiculous! honey,wake up!its not Wimbledon!b a lil more spontaneous,ur not making a sacrifice either!

Comment by sandy — August 28, 2007 @ 8:06 am

I think Adam Levine is a jerk and his statements are ridiculous, out of line and offensive. That said, the reason he though she would be a screamer is because she does actually scream on the court. She grunts with every backhand and forehand, and also screams in frustration. Its more than a grunt. Its high pitched and loud. I would think she was a screamer too. But I would never have said that publicly. He’s a dick to do so.

Comment by shelly — August 28, 2007 @ 9:02 pm

why is everyone so retarded? Easter bunnies and paxil?? Obviously a joke. The editor of that magazine has even said that he never spoke with Levine- it was a fly away item created as satire.

http://www.exile.ru/2007-August-10/sic-lawsuit.html

Comment by Dumbass — August 28, 2007 @ 10:58 pm