Much has been made about the Britney Spears/Justin Timberlake connection. The two former Mouseketeers dated for four years, until their breakup in 2002. The aftermath is legendary. Justin went on to make his first solo album, parting from boy-band N’Sync. His debut, the highly successful Justified, reveals Timberlake used that album to tap into the essence of his heartbreak, and it must have been a cathartic release in which to channel his creative talent. Few doubt that “Cry Me A River,” the first single off of Justified was a response to the bitter ending of his first serious relationship. It would seem the breakup affected him more than Britney — at least at the time. Britney, as we know went on to marry her back-up dancer Kevin Federline. Sadly, we all know the result of that disastrous union.

The video below (set to Fergie’s “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry”) is one person’s interpretation of those events and it just sort of touched me as a poignant object lesson: you don’t know what you got til it’s gone. Within her relationship with Justin, Britney seemed to glow from somewhere inside. It’s as though she aspired to greatness knowing that she was truly loved by Justin, and the transformation she’s undergone since her union with K-Fed is just as marked. Even Britney’s beauty suffered great costs. In the last three years she has aged almost ten years. Instead of looking like the nubile princess of her early 20’s (she’s only 25), she looks like a 35+ mom whose been rode hard, put away wet.

Maybe I am just a romantic at heart, but it feels like Justin could heal all of Britney’s wounds and put her broken mental state back together. Unfortunately, Justin likely views his ex-girlfriend as too damaged to even bother with. Nevertheless, he still proclaims to have love for her in his heart. Say what you want about celebs, there is something quite genuine about Justin’s unwillingness to pile on the Britney bashing bangwagon, this, despite persistent rumors their breakup was caused by her cheating ways. Oh, and we can’t forget all those songs he’s written which ostensibly could be about their relationship.

It’s sad to see Britney now. The once charming and beautiful entertainer’s light has dimmed considerably and you can’t help but wonder if she wishes she’d stayed true to her first love. We can all take a glimpse of what “was,” but it makes the reality of what’s been lost since Britney’s decided to throw it all away, that much more heartbreaking.

So here is Britney Spears the other night, going to a tanning salon at some ungodly hour of the night. Because, sometimes, you just gotta tan. Skin won’t prematurely age by itself, you know.

(Wait…does she have the kids this week? I’d hate to think they were all alone.)

Anyway, she is, as usual, being followed by a horde of paparazzi. Tons of flashbulbs going off all around her, lighting up her face and the surrounding five-block area. Yet, check out those wide-open pupils. Not even her crayon-colored contact lenses can hide them.

Hey, I’m just sayin’.

I’m going to admit…I have never seen “The Hills”, supposedly a hit show on MTV. The only way that I know who Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag are is just from seeing their faces splashed across gossip sites and magazines. But when I read this article about Heidi and her new breasteses, I sat up and took notice. An excerpt:

“If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her! On the beach, if I was standing next to a girl with big boobs, I’d be like, I hate her! I hated my nose too. I have my dad’s nose, which is huge. It took up so much of my face, when I looked down, I could see my nose. I couldn’t get away from it!”

Let’s take a look at this. Heidi is a beautiful girl, both before and after the plastic surgery. However, she readily admits to being jealous of some random girl with bigger boobies than she was born with. Well. Velly intellesting. It sounds to me like Heidi’s problem is neither small breasts nor a large nose. Some things just can’t be fixed with plastic surgery, although I’m sure Heidi would dispute that. I’ve never even seen the show and I can tell, from what I’ve been reading about her, that she’s a bit insecure. And I’m sure her father is just thrilled to know his daughter thinks his nose is big.

According to sources, she’s been considering this for “years”. She’s twenty-one. When did she start considering this…age twelve? What a message to send out to young women, that the key to happiness and self-acceptance is to get plastic surgery, because the secret to one’s well-being and personal fulfillment is big, perky funbags. By gosh, that’ll just fix right up everything that’s wrong, and she’ll no longer have to hate another girl because her thighs are thinner or her elbows aren’t wrinkly, for example.

I’m not against plastic surgery; in extreme cases, it can be extremely beneficial to one’s psyche. But Heidi is no harelipped tot from an underdeveloped country…she’s a beautiful young woman, who obviously has both some self-esteem issues and a bit of a deficiency in the smarts department. Before, she was upset because she could look down and see her nose; so now she can look down and see her boobies. Oh noes, they’re too big!

Here’s another gem from the interview:

“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

Well, that is a completely different thing altogether. Obviously she has found her cause, the thing that gives her life meaning. She’s right up there in the same league with Pat Tillman, a bona fide heroine. We all need something to believe in so strongly that we would willingly lay down our lives for it. Good for her. I apologize for thinking she was a shallow, self-centered mouth-breather with no self-esteem. I want to grow up and be just like Heidi. Only my boobs are already bigger.

Uhm, and so are my hips. And my thighs.

I hate her.

After five months, the Phil Spector trial has ended after the jury announced that for the second time in two weeks it was unable to reach a verdict. The panel initally said it was deadlocked five days ago, but they were ordered to continue after the judge did some tweaking to the jury instructions.

However, after a total of twelve days of deliberations, the jury returned word that they were deadlocked 10-2. Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Larry Fidler dismissed the jury and scheduled a hearing for next Wednesday to begin discussions on a retrial.

According to Court TV:

To find Spector guilty of second-degree murder, jurors did not have to conclude that he fired the weapon intentionally, but only that he acted “with a conscious disregard for human life.”

In his summation, a prosecutor told jurors they could convict Spector on the basis of pointing the weapon at [Lana] Clarkson’s face even if they determined the gun went off because the actress slapped at it or the defendant sneezed.

And you know that is what happened. He was just showing her the gun, because you know, that is what reclusive strange guys do when they bring girls they want to impress back to their castle, and after all it had always worked before. She was so enthralled with this display of masculinity that she impulsively grabbed for the gun, you know, because she wanted to “kiss the gun”. Oh yeah. And then Spector sneezed.

Yep, I’m sure that’s it. It’s an open-and-shut case. He’ll be back home showing off his gun again in no time.

Just when you thought it was safe to read the tabloids, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are at it again.  In their never-ending battle to one-up each other on who can be more vicious, Denise may have finally crossed into the point of no return.  According to the NYDaily News, Denise has enlisted their former nanny in her battle to remove ALL custodial rights Charlie has on their two daughters, 3-year-old Sam, and 2-year-old Lola.  According to the NYDN article:

Denise Richards is pulling out all the stops in her custody battle with ex-husband Charlie Sheen. We told you yesterday about Richards’ bid to keep their two daughters — Sam, 3, and Lola, 2 — from staying at Sheen’s house. Among her weapons: the sworn declaration of their former nanny, Diana Alvarez.

Among other allegations, Alvarez raises the specter of whether Sheen inappropriately touched the girls’ “molees” (their nickname for breasts) and their “tushys.” Though she lacks concrete evidence, Alvarez claims to be “concerned.” She’s also “alarmed” by Sheen’s sleeping in the same bed as Sam when his fiancée, Brooke Mueller (above, with Sheen), is in the guest room.

Sheen, who fired Alvarez after accusing her of spying on him for Richards, calls the “diabolical accusations” in Richards’ filing “laughable and inane. … During the 18 months before my request to select my own child care provider, not a single complaint was made … by either Ms. Richards [or the nanny].”

Richards acknowledges in her filing that Sheen had been trying to make amends with her. In an Aug. 24 e-mail, he apologized for “[my] vile attacks on your very soul … A comment about your poor Mom … your professional status … your abilities as a mother, as an actor, all need to be wrapped in shame, and rocketed out into some distant soundless galaxy, where they could flame out.”

When it comes to divorce, short are the rainbows, unicorns and rays of sunshine.  If you survive with your dignity intact and a relatively positive attitude towards the opposite sex, well, you’ve hit the jackpot.  Divorce just devastates people and lives, yet nowhere is it more prevalent and frivolous as in Hollywood.

But wait, there’s more…

Britney just loves her some public toilet. She’s visited them pregnant, barefoot, booted, and with and without friends, but she has taken her love of the public loo a bit far.

Yesterday she visited the toilet at a local Quiznos without benefit of anyone else with her…no bodyguard, no personal assistant, no friends, nobody. There was a “nanny” in the car with the boys, but that is all. Predictably, a melee occurred, with paps and fans overturning tables and chairs in their attempt to get a photo of her. According to Splash News:

Britney Spears made a shocking stop at a restaurant in L.A, just to use the restroom. She was minus any protection, in the form of a bodyguard or a friend, and the result was chaos, sheer chaos. Tables and chairs were left over turned as everyone wanted a snap and crowds were left uncontrolled.

Seeing Britney cornered in the headlights left me shocked, and for a second I felt sorry for her, until I saw Britney laughing and looking like she was pretty much enjoying the whole scenario! Why on earth she got out of her car in the first place I do not know. She knew the outcome of her actions and you can’t help but wonder if that was the result she was looking for, especially as you see her giggling all the way to her car.

However, it gets stranger.

Apparently, while she was in the potty, she had one of the photographers fetch something from her car. There are conflicting reports as to exactly what happened…one is that a photog was dispatched to purchase something for Brit (what, the dispenser was broken?), and another is that a photographer was asked to go to her car and fetch her something. What could she have forgotten? Tampons? God knows it wouldn’t be feminine pads, she doesn’t wear panties to attach them to.

Or maybe her inhaler for the asthma she doesn’t have?

Videos of the incident show a scene of utter chaos. But, instead of being upset, she was smiling and actually seemed to be enjoying herself…in direct contradiction to her desire for the press to leave her alone. You just have to wonder if she isn’t really enjoying all of this “attention”…and, in the process, ignoring the well-being of her children. What I’ve noticed is that Brit only gets upset at the paparazzi when she can’t control the paparazzi.

If she’s trying to show the judge that she’s a responsible parent, she isn’t doing a very good job. All of us have had to visit a public potty every now and then…but for someone like Britney, who is followed by the paps everywhere she goes, to do this without anyone there to manage the crowd was foolish and just plain dangerous.

I have a mental health theory about Brit which I am still fleshing out. I’ll post more about it in the coming days. But let me say that this latest escapade just makes me more certain than ever of my (admittedly) armchair diagnosis.

But there’s still one more thing. If you notice, the sign on the door specifically states that the restroom is “for customers only”. Did she at least buy a sammich for the ride home?

I am usually pretty psyched about a celeb DUI, but in this case I am just not feeling the schadenfreude.  I like Kiefer Sutherland and we never miss 24.  I think he is a good actor who has had to tackle some tough demons in his time, so it kind of sucks that he didn’t have the common sense and the wherewithal to call a cab last night when he was picked up for DUI.  TMZ has all the bad news:

TMZ has learned that “24″ star Kiefer Sutherland was busted on suspicion of DUI in West Hollywood last night, after allegedly blowing more than twice the legal limit of .08. This is the actor’s second DUI in the past five years — he was arrested in 2004. By California law, if he’s convicted, he must serve a mandatory minimum of five days in jail.

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening. The photo in this story was taken at the event.

Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.

We’re told Sutherland was “cooperative and mellow” while he was in custody. According to the L.A. Sheriff’s Dept. website, the actor is 5′10″ and weighs 150 lbs. Sutherland is scheduled to face a judge on October 16. A rep for Sutherland told TMZ “It would be premature to comment at this time.”

Gosh, this really does just suck.  Please excuse me, a Jack and coke is calling my name.  Now, if only I could find my car keys.

After being chastised for my alleged Britney Spears death wish, I am attempting to find a kinder, softer side of Glosslip in respect to Britney Spears.  So, with that in mind the above photo clearly shows that 2-year-old Sean Preston and his younger brother 1-year old Jayden James share a close bond.  They really seem like sweet little boys who love each other.

They also look like they are bracing for impact.

I thought Britney wasn’t allowed.  Didn’t she just get in trouble for not having a valid California driver’s license?  Oh bother, those pesky laws are so annoying!

All kidding aside, those two little guys are really cute.

Photo source: Splash News

So, according to TMZ, Nick Hogan, or Nick Bollea, or whatever name he is using at the moment (he’s better known as Hulk Hogan’s son), has pled “No Contest” to driving double the speed limit in a construction zone:

Monday morning], a judge ordered the absent Hogan to pay the maximum fine of $1,000, and to complete a 12-hour Driver Improvement course within 90 days. Hogan was also found guilty of failing to wear a seatbelt and fined $73.50.

This happened two weeks before the car crash that injured Nick and his passenger, returning Iraq war veteran John Graziano. Now, if this were an isolated case of speeding, I’d be more inclined to o easy on Nick Hogan Bollea. And we all know that accidents happen even to the best drivers. But this was not an isolated case of speeding nor was it just a simple accident. According to reports, Nick was speeding and hit a raised median, causing his Toyota Supra to swerve out of control and crash into a tree. Allegedly, he was drag racing another car when the accident happened.

Oh, and this wasn’t the first time that Nick Bollea Hogan had been caught speeding…

But wait, there’s more…

This is why I hate celebrities, and those who aspire to fame even more. Internet phenom and douche extraordinaire Chris Crocker (best known for his “Leave Britney Alone” YouTube video) is already acting like a self-important dickhead. The video above is evidence that all that is needed to make a person a complete a-hole is add instant fame.

Chris was videotaped outside of L.A.’s trendy Mr. Chow restaurant displaying a tremendous reserve for behaving in a manner that begs for him to be punched in the head repeatedly. Just to be clear, I am not advocating anyone actually assault him, just that he seems to be “asking for it.” A lot.

I do agree with one point though, Britney is a National Treasure and should be allowed to do drugs and hit people with her car. People who just so happen to be named Chris Crocker.