With 2008 just around the corner, we must find an appropriate way to wrap up 2007’s top celeb stories. Oh boy, and what a year it was. 2007, or “The Year of the Dimwitted Bimbos” as I like to call it, saw the death of one icon, and the re/afterbirth of another icon.

In between Anna Nicole Smith’s death and Britney Spears mental disintegrate we have Paris Hilton going to jail, Lindsay Lohan crashing and burning with dual attempts at rehab, several celeb DUI’s and of course, to round out the year in celebrity nonsensical behavior, we have Britney Spears kid sister Jamie Lynn Spears announcing she is not only pregnant at 16, but she’s keeping her baby!

Papa don’t preach, because that’s my job.

Join Confessions of a Fanboy’s Josh Hathaway, and with any luck, Blogcritics Eric Olsen as we assail, discuss this year’s top celeb stories!

Not wanting to be left out of the 2007 graduating class of celeb imbeciles who received DUIs in 2007 (a long list we will expound on later) the former OC’er Mischa Barton made it just under the gun when she was popped for DUI Thursday night at 2:45 in LA.

Mischa is said to have had a blood alcohol level of .12, marijuana in her system and prescription pills in another person’s name on her person when she was arrested for “straddling two lanes of traffic and failing to use her turn signal when making a turn.”

So not only does Mischa have a unfortunate taste for unflattering mom-jeans, she’s also a pill-popping, joint smoking, drunk who can’t drive.

Mischa posted 10K bailed and was escorted home by her proud parents.

We have four more days left of 2007, who will have the temerity to join this year’s graduating class of asstards? My money’s on Britney Spears - SHE’S WAY OVERDUE for a DUI, and honestly her mugshot will round out my elaborate and eclectic collection of idiots.

There’s a very good reason celebs don’t, and more IMPORTANTLY, shouldn’t date non-famous people. Especially non-famous, immature, thumb-sucking douchebags with dumb names like Riley Giles: non-famous people have nothing to lose and will they sell you out.

Lindsay Lohan has been absent from the hallowed pages of Glosslip lately. My strict personal code of ethics forces me to leave out otherwise likely celeb candidates from my sardonic wit while they seek to recover from their addictive antics, but in this case, since I am defending the honor of our little Lindsay, it’s ok.

Lindsay’s rehab boyfriend (sort of like a rebound boyfriend, but lamer) Riley Giles has wasted no time in making a quick buck by selling, not just his tawdry story of Lindsay’s “sexual” addiction, but also personal photos he took while they dated.

The two met while Lindsay sought treatment at rehab facility Cirque Lodge in Utah. Riley was there seeking treatment for drug addiction, and Lindsay entered the program after her much publicized arrest for DUI, and possession of cocaine in July. This was Lindsay’s second arrest in less than two months and her situation was becoming very grim.

Riley, showing vasts amounts of class and personal decorum, sold his story to News Of The World, wherein he described Lindsay trading her drug and alcohol addiction for a sex addiction. In reality it sounded more like a pathetic junior high turd bragging to his friends about his manhood, when in reality he probably failed to maintain an erection and finished the race too early. If you must read second-rate fiction, his cheesy story is here.

Now it seems, Riley wants to cash in on some photos he took while they dated (for like 1 whole month, WOW!), and as he crosses his fingers hoping Lindsay doesn’t sue his gutter-dwelling ass, Riley gets to enjoy his extended and undeserved 15 minutes of fame.

Let this be a lesson to you celebs, don’t date commoners. Commoners aren’t mentally equipped to handle fame and will sell you out 9 out of 10 times. See, they have nothing to lose, whereas you famous person, do. You have your reputation, your fragile and precarious privacy and ultimately your dignity.

Lindsay, one last pear of wisdom I wish to bestow on you. Unlike many of your peers, you my dear, possess some actual talent. You do not have to cave into your low-self esteem and mistreat your body, mind and soul to find the love and elation you desperately seek. Refocus yourself, and apply your boundless passion for shopping (and maybe sex) to be the best at your craft.

Also, please don’t ever flash your firecrotch again. It makes it difficult to defend you, and honestly, that job is difficult enough.

Glosslip Radio is very honored to announce a special guest for this week’s show, Chris Butler, the Waitresses brainchild (big hits include, theme song for 80’s TV show, “Square Pegs,” “I Know What Boys Like,” “Christmas Wrapping”,) Tin Huey guitarist and producer for artists like Joan Osborne, Freedy Johnston, The db’s (and of course the Waitresses). Chris may be famous for many things, least of which being the “seminal new waver, blah, blah, and etc.,” but more importantly, he’s also a really smart, funny and thoughtful guy.

Chris’ blog, Jammed.On.On chronicles not only his musical endeavors, but various aspects of his life. In person, Chris’ irreverent and self-effacing charm would never belie the cool genius within.

Chris will join us to discuss “The Very Best Christmas Songs,” a list I compiled with ConfessionsOfAFanboy writer Josh Hathaway. We will also be joined by Eric Olsen, Blogcritics.org publisher, and editor/writer of the Encyclopedia of Record Producers (in which Chris Butler is a featured producer).

It is no coincidence that at the top of my best Christmas songs list is “Christmas Wrapping.” I, like Chris, am a seminal New Waver too, except I just listen, absorb and regurgitate the songs of my youth, while Chris creates the songs which helped give my life meaning. I have a confession to make, Chris is kind of a hero of mine and despite a somewhat embarrassing, but deeply sincere incident of fawning and gushing, he still treats me with respect.

Why can’t all famous people be so cool? On that note, please tune in tomorrow night, 10:00pm EST for what is going to be a great show, with great guests, discussing great songs. GREAT!

Glosslip Radio Show, Sunday, Dec. 23
10:00pm EST, Click Here To Listen

Call in Number (646) 478-0139

I love, love, love Christmas. Mostly in a Clark Griswoldian way (we go for the extreme lighting). I love to embrace the somewhat silly traditions and cultural expressions which center around a fat, jolly guy in a red velvet suit. In my heart though, as cliched and fruity as it might sound, I truly “get” the spirit of the holiday and of course the religious connotations it all brings. From the exchanging of inappropriate gifts, to the crushing lines at stores, to the custardy libations that add on a few extra inches around my waist, Christmas is a time of cheer.

And as ubiquitous as the clearance sales are on every corner, the music of the season can either add to your joy, or enhance your throbbing headache. Since we’ve already covered those Christmas songs most likely to induce vomiting, we now present mine and Josh’s list of the season’s best offerings.

But wait, there’s more…

After that last post, this is where I will be spending my Christmas. Maybe I will see you there!

(Thanks again D-Bomb)

Well, I hate to say I told you so (no I don’t, I actually enjoy it a bit) but it seems this celeb death WAS full of mysterious circumstances, and what I mean by that is, another rock n’ roller died of a drug overdose.

Hawthorne Heights guitarist Casey Calvert’s toxicology report shows he died of a drug overdose cause by a combination of “opiates and the antidepressant citalopram and the anti-anxiety medication clonozepam.” It was an accidental overdosing, but I am sure that provides zero comfort to his family, friends, bandmates and fans.

Based on the level of vitriol that was hurled at me (read the comments on the original post for backstory), Casey must have been an exceptionally well-loved young man, full of talent and promise. I am sorry he died, but this sad story is further proof that fame and money often contribute to excess and poor judgment.

But wait, there’s more…

Here’s Spears’ baby-daddy #2 Casey Aldridge’s high school year book picture courtesy of Us Magazine. Kind of puts things in perspective as we viciously pass judgment on the two soon-to-be parents. All too soon if you ask me.

I have been reading the internets today and people are in a TWITTER over this whole Jamie Lynn Spears teen pregnancy nonsense. I find it all so sad, yet so ironic (I think that about lots of things actually)

Celebs are perhaps the worst invention of the modern world. On one hand they are given special treatment, overly compensated for doing not much of anything except entertaining us (and even that’s debatable), and worst of all, they are put on a pedestal by people who are so lacking in their own lives they have no one else to look up to. Then, when they fail to live up to the standard we’ve set for them, we bash them mercilessly. A vicious cycle of abuse.

Clearly Jamie Lynn is not smart or responsible. Neither is her baby-daddy Casey. Getting pregnant at 16 is pretty avoidable when you have the resources Jamie Lynn had. But, we must remember Jamie Lynn comes from a broken home, her mother is clearly not a great role model, her father is a recovering alcoholic, her sister suffers from fame-induced psychosis, and they’re all saddled with deep South sensibilities (or being “country” as they like to call it). Just because you throw money and fame in the mix doesn’t mean you are going to get something positive out the other end.

I don’t envy famous people in the slightest. Being robbed of your privacy would be horrible. Being forced to have all of your dirty laundry aired in public would be rotten. But it is a conscious choice people make and can be easily fixed by staying out of the limelight.

Jamie Lynn could have kept quiet about her pregnancy. That’s not to say she wouldn’t have been outed at some point, because, as we know, babies have a way of making themselves known eventually. But surely she didn’t need to make matters worse by bringing public scrutiny to her doorstep and making a pretty penny off it to boot.

I guess no matter what she did, this would have been a huge stink. Underage pregnancy is a real problem, and no matter how many people try and sugar-coat it by saying Jamie Lynn could end up being a good mom, the fact is, this was a really poor choice to make on her part. This however, does NOT make her a whore or any of the other really nasty things I have read about her all over the web. Even I was tempted to make that correlation
when I first read about the story. But the more I thought about it, the more pathetic it became and I just don’t have to heart to assail this young woman for being so incredibly inept at taking care of herself. I blame her mother, society, her sister and myself.

Jamie Lynn, rest assured you are a big doofus for getting knocked up, but you are NOT a whore. Don’t let them pin that one on you ok? Glad we got that settled.

Since the WGA is ruining our lives by depriving us of our comedy and joy, the always brilliant Candy, of Holy Candy is here to bring you the funny. Enjoy, and don’t forget to mention Glosslip sent you

Yes, you read that right. According to sources close to the family, Casey Aldridge, the father to Jamie Lynn’s unborn child has nothing to offer. Other than his DNA, which he cheerfully offered her a few weeks back.

From the Life& Style story (ALWAYS, ALWAYS believe the tabloids):

“Jamie Lynn and Casey are NOT together. They’ve broken up numerous times, but he was her first and she kept taking him back,” says the insider.

“They’re not dating now. He’s really got nothing to offer this baby. He’s a kid himself. They have no plans to get married.”

“At this point, Jamie Lynn has asked her mom — and not Casey — to be in the delivery room with her.”

A rep for Jamie Lynn was not immediately available for comment.

So this little innocent baby is set to be born to an under-age minor who has described the pregnancy as a “shock,” and now has to grow up with the knowledge its parents didn’t plan him, its father has nothing to offer, its aunt is a f*cking lunatic addicted to Venti frappes, its grandma is perhaps the worst celeb mom on the planet, its uncle is a failed rapping wanksta, and its two little cousins were voted most likely to wear dentures before reaching the age of ten.

Isn’t this a bit much for a little tot to bear at such a tender age?

Well, look at it this way, if our Savior survived being born in a stable to an unwed mother and was able to grow up and become a hailed success story, even little unnamed, unplanned Spears baby #3 has the slimmest of hopes.

I am rooting for you little fetus. Just remember, where there is hope, there is opportunity.