Christmas Songs That Suck Smelly Reindeer Balls
Josh and I are at it again. This time we came up with our list of all-time X-mas musical excrement for your review. We managed to see eye to eye on most of our selections, except one. And that one, well, I will make a believer out of Josh before Santa squeezes his big, cookie-filled butt up the last chimney of 2007. Word to your mother. So, without further fanfare, behold Christmas’ worse aural offerings:
Every year it seems to get tougher and tougher for me to enjoy Christmas. I’m sure some of it my premature grouchiness – my mom loves telling the story of how my favorite cartoon characters as a child were Yosemite Sam and Oscar The Grouch, so this has been building for decades now (and yes, I know Oscar isn’t technically a cartoon character, so get over it).
More than that, though, is the expansion of the Christmas season. I never used to believe there could be too much of a good thing until I started seeing f*ckin’ Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween. Maybe I’m not grouchier, I’m just… tired. Fatigued. Overloaded. Dosed.
The more I think about it the more sure I become that the problem isn’t me, it’s the crass commercial expansion of the season. ‘Tis the season to blame someone else, after all. Maybe the reason I snarl at anyone wishing me a Merry Christmas in December is that I’ve been hearing Muzak Christmas carols for months now. With that cheery thought in mind, Glosslip’s “D” and I have compiled a list of Christmas songs we’re already sick of hearing:
1. Trans-Siberian Orchestra - “Christmas / Sarajevo 12/24:†What a piece of crap this overblown tripe is! I didn’t like it the first time I heard it and I don’t like it now. I think people dug it because it was different. Different isn’t always a good thing. This song, for instance.
2. Kenny G - “Walking In a Winter Wonderland:†Horrible. Dreck. Unlistenable. Just about any time I get dragged to a craft store with TheWifeToWhomI’mMarried – which granted isn’t all that often — I hear this song. If I don’t hear it in fuckin’ Hobby Lobby, I’ll hear it in the grocery store. This song is one more example of why I don’t go anywhere without my iPod. It’s just hideous. There’s really no politically correct way to say this, but why do we have multiple Christmas records from Kenny G and Michael Bolton?
3. Anne Murray - “Walking in a Winter Wonderland:†I don’t know, maybe I just have something against the song. I have an aunt who liked Anne Murray. I don’t know why. It’s time to retire this one. Scmaltz.
4. Anything by Manheim Steamroller, especially that one song: Does anyone really need an explanation for this?
5. The McKenzie Brothers - “12 Days of Christmas:†Yeah, I thought this one was funny when I was 14. It’s lost some of its luster. This one needs to go.
6. Paul McCartney - “Wonderful Christmastime:†I love The Beatles and I like Sir Paul, but this turd needs to flush. That synth he’s using should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Me:
This was a tough list to compile, because unlike my vastly superior and uniquely talented co-conspirator Josh, I am a bitch 11 months out of the year and only cheerful in December. Despite have an unhealthy dose of pessimism, neurotic paranoia and a raging case of the grouch - I love Christmas and almost every song dedicated to its blinking, chiming, ringing joyeousness. To me, its the one time of year we can put aside our differences and come together for the common purpose of embracing our one true love: commercialism.
I’m joking, really, Christmas is about that ever elusive spirit that lurks within us all. The will to do good, be kind and share in our bounty. Cheesy? Perhaps, but I feel this with all the sincerity I can feel about anything. So without further ado my list of most hated Christmas songs.
1. Manheim Steamroller, anything. Just like Tran Siberian Orchestra, these bastards have taken otherwise listenable songs and turned them into steaming piles of turds. Eric says there’s one album they did that didn’t suck infected wangs, but I choose to not believe him.
2. “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer†Patsy and Elmo - I hate this song with the burning passions of a million suns.The cutesy schmaltz, coupled with its appeal to people’s inner redneck. I killed my inner redneck with a sawed off shotgun.
3. Mariah Carey, “All I Want For Christmas Is You†I don’t really think I need to justify why I hate this because it should be obvious to anyone with any kind of reasonable taste in music, but just to clarify: its Mariah Carey, therefore it sucks.
4. Back Street Boys, “Christmas Time†- Please see above, as the answer applies to both.
5. Root Boy Slim - “Christmas At K-Mart†- I can appreciate the sentiment and overall subliminal messages of this song, but it is truly awful and a sonic assault on the ears.
My Reaction
TSO is a huge deal here in Cleveland. For some reason, their concerts (and they play more than one sadly) are always sold out. Not sure what that says about Cleveland as a city, but it can’t be good. Its all the worse things about rock music with the added insult of making it about Christmas. Criminal.
Kenny G dumps his clarinet noodling all over a perfectly good song like “Walking In A Winter Wonderland†a song that touches on the very sentimental notion that Father Winter has ushered in the crisp, clean blanket of powdery white goodness. Kenny G needs to have the world’s most painful wedgie ever. Dork!
Anne Murray does the same thing to Walking In A Winter Wonderland, except Canadian style. And you know what that means. I don’t either, but it’s a real negative.
Already covered Mannheim Steamroller. It says a lot about that it made both mine and Josh’s list. It gets a big fat A+ for sucking so large.
I don’t know The McKenzie Brothers, “Twelve Days of Christmas,†but really, any version of “Twelve Days….†is a whole heaping pile of dirty dung, so we’ll leave it at that.
Here is where Josh and I part ways. I LOVE “Wonderful Christmastime†by Paul McCartney. Sure it’s cloyingly sweet and ridiculously simple. That’s why it works. Christmas as its very root is cloyingly sweet and ridiculously simple. Making it complicated should be against the law.
Josh’s Reaction:
I agree with every single one of your choices. Man, those are some truly awful pieces of shit. What can I say? When you’re right, you’re right.
I didn’t know anyone still played the Backstreet Boys. That’s alarming in and of itself, but we’ll save that for another time. Mariah Carey damn near killed Christmas with that turd of an album. One thing that doesn’t get played anymore is the Jewel Christmas record. I actually won an award for trashing that pretentious piece of shit.
“Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” is funny as hell when you’re in fifth of sixth grade. That it has lasted this long is… well, depressing. Actually it’s worse that depressing. It’s just awful. I hope those clowns invested their money wisely. They must have. They’ve not really done anything anyone has had to endure since.
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Be sure to stay tuned for another episode where Josh and I discuss our “Favorite Christmas Songs Of All Time†wherein I pontificate on the joys of the season until your head explodes into little holly berries. I wonder, do those stick to reindeer fur?
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like the picture lol
Comment by eskimo — December 5, 2007 @ 10:17 pm
Though it doesn’t count as Christmas, you should have included an honorable mention for the Adam Sandler “Hanukkah Song.” It was funny the first couple of times, but by the 3000th time I’d rather listen to the kid from South Park sing the dreidl song.
A non-sequitur comment on Paul McCartney - God left us with the two good Who guys, so to even things out, we also got stuck with the two crap Beatles. Though that still leaves me scratching my head as to why Keith Richards is still with us. Payback for Jimi Hendrix or Jim Morrison, maybe?
Comment by crazymom — December 5, 2007 @ 11:00 pm
ANY saxophone player with any sort of respect for themselves cannot stand the very thought of Kenny G. Trust me, I am one, so I know. The man makes me throw up a little in my mouth, and that rots the coating right off the sax.
Now Dave Koz…THERE’S a sax player. And he’s a whole lot easier on the eyes than Kenny. (okay, I know he’s gay, but still)
But what’s so wrong with TSO? I kind of like them. *ducks* And I don’t even live anywhere near Cleveland!
Comment by k — December 7, 2007 @ 11:03 am
how do you not like carol of the bells you cock.
Comment by Josh — December 9, 2007 @ 6:38 pm
Found this blog because I was wondering if anyone else actually thought TSO sucks swampy donkey testicles. They, like Mannheim SteamingPiles before them, simply bowlderize decent, traditional melodies with shitty, ‘edgy’ modern arrangements, and their original offerings are far worse. “The Lost Christmas Eve” is just a horribly written, concieved and executed piece of dreck, and it ultimately says nothing.
Your efforts are fine, but the post fails in the omission of probably the worst song of all time- in any genre- speaking of course about “The Christmas Shoes”. Words can’t properly describe that songs’ blatant, manipulative offensiveness, so I’ll say no more.
Comment by VeeKaChu — December 11, 2007 @ 5:54 am
that just sooooooooooooooooooooooooo dam NASTY YALL SHOW IT AGAIN
Comment by TANA — February 27, 2008 @ 10:27 am