If you’ve been reading Glosslip for the past year, well I have to wonder about both your sanity and your social life, but more importantly, you might have caught one of the rare, but special ManBalm features.

Sports journalist and all around good guy Matt Sussman created a special feature for those men who like tabloid gossip, but preferred sports. By combining the two interests ManBalm was born. Sadly, because Matt’s often busy dating inappropriately young women, covering sports from around the globe and squeezing in a day job plus his editing duties at Blogcritics, he hasn’t been updating ManBalm like he should, and for which he is contractually obligated AND still owes me posts for.

Ahem…so please tune in for tonight’s show at 10:00pm EST ManBalm special where Matt will be discussing Cowboy Quarterback Tony Romo.

In case you aren’t familiar, Tony has intersected the world of celeb gossip by dating the intellectual powerhouse that is Jessica Simpson. He has been previously linked to Carrie Underwood, Britney Spears and Sophie Bush. I’d say if he hadn’t already dated Britney Spears, then he was only one step away from the dumb blonde gutter, but this guy is all over the celebtart map. (Although…he gets a thumbs up for dating Carrie Underwood, and a thumbs down for not sticking with her.)

Besides football, Jessica and Tony are said to talk about global economics, quantum physics and boobs. At least one of those things they know something about.

Also, EO, Josh and I will discuss this week’s biggest celeb stories. Which really means we will talk about how dumb Britney Spears is and some other stuff. Just because you people are sick of hearing about Britney, doesn’t mean I’ve beaten that dead horse to death yet.

RADIO CALL IN NUMBER: (646)478-0139

Celine Dion is about as opposite of the musical spectrum for what I call “good” music as it gets, but I give her props for being the consummate professional. Working the Vegas circuit for almost half a decade is not for the weak or mild. You have to have serious chops and ambition to work that hard. So, my hats off to Mz. Dion as she finishes her successful run in the entertainment capital of the world Las Vegas, bringing in almost $440 while performing in a special theater built just for her A New Day show at Ceasar’s palace.

Bette Midler is set to replace her with a production titled The Showgirl Must Go On. Now that I’d watch.

Now, please go back to Canada, enjoy your life, raise your son, and perhaps cut his hair.

No one should need another reason to love Johnny Depp. He’s anti-Hollywood, he loves and dotes on his two children, he’s remarkably talented, handsome AND sexy and lives his life in an unassuming way. That should be enough, yet, once again he gives back to the masses who adore him by also being designated as the “Best Celebrity Autograph Signer.”

CNN reports:

Johnny Depp “likes to talk to fans and get to know them while signing,” says an autograph dealer.

The 44-year-old actor is the most gracious celebrity — for the third year in a row — on Autograph magazine’s annual list of the “10 Best and 10 Worst Hollywood Signers.”

“Though soft-spoken and laid-back, [Depp] likes to talk to fans and get to know them while signing,” New York autograph dealer Anthony Risi explains in the December issue, now on newsstands. “He’ll sign more than one item when he has time, too.” Video Watch Depp muse on his murderous new movie »

The magazine said editors compiled input from autograph-collecting judges based in Europe, New York and California in ranking the celebs.

This doesn’t surprise me. Because Johnny has chosen to live way off the beaten Hollywood path on a farm in rural France, he likely has spared his psyche and family the trauma of being constantly hounded for autographs. This makes giving autographs and interacting with his fans a rare and special treat. Even the reclusive like to be appreciated. Johnny, thank you for being such a great celeb. You make me not want to light the rest of Hollywood on fire for being full of raging c*cksuckers.

So who else made the “nice list” of gracious autograph signers:

2. Matt Damon
3. George Clooney
4. Jack Nicholson
5. Rosario Dawson
6. John Travolta,
7. Katherine Heigl
8. Jay Leno
9. Dakota Fanning
10. Russell Crowe — wait, Russell Crowe? Crowe, who has a history of throwing temper tantrums, ranked among the worst signers on last year’s list. But in a turnaround, the magazine said, the 43-year-old actor “started treating fans great, signing, taking pictures and chatting them up.”

Wow, that last one is surprising. And Jack Nicholson? Hmmm…well good for him!

And who sucks rotten eggs for being poor sports when it comes to signing autographs?

1. Will Ferrell
2. Tobey Maguire
3. Joaquin Phoenix
4. William Shatner
5. Renee Zellweger
6. John Malkovich
7. Julie Andrews
8. Bruce Willis
9. Teri Hatcher
10. Scarlett Johansson.

Weird, Will Ferrell is the worst? I mean sure, I can see William Shatner being a dick, and definitely John Malkovich, and certainly Teri Snatcher. But what climbed up Renee Zellweger, Julie Andrews and Bruce Willis’ asses? And honestly, Joaquin’s probably too drunk to realize he’s being asked for an autograph and Tobey Maguire’s just a weirdo. Scarlett? Who the hell knows what her problem is. Trying to avoid stalkers most likely. The magazine did caution us however, “keep in mind that even the best signers don’t sign sometimes, the worst sometimes do, and that just because they’re on the worst list doesn’t mean they’re bad people.”

I don’t know, I am pretty sure that John Malkovich is a bad person.

Dear Fans of Britney Spears,

It has come to my attention some of you are concerned with my perceptions and viewpoints on your beloved pop star.

Apparently you live in a world where being a poor role model, an irresponsible and thoroughly distant mother, a manufactured and engineered pop product, who has made an art form of neglecting both her family AND fans, is an archetype of admirability.

I have hurt you with my unkind and unflattering depictions of Ms. Spears, and I am sorry. I see now that I have deeply wounded you with my scathing and unfiltered observations of the once cute, demure and seemingly-sweet young woman we now must observe on an almost daily basis in various states of mental unfitness. It must be very painful to see the object of your affection have her shiny and well-polished veneer decay and unravel before your eyes, revealing a rather slovenly, unkempt and clearly mentally insane core within.

I have been intentionally cruel by not sugar-coating the truth, and instead laying out Britney’s issues so starkly and bald-faced that only an idiot would miss the obvious reality of the situation. I am ashamed of myself. If I had any consideration for your feelings I would never have mentioned her negligent and dangerous parenting skills, her poor hygiene, her frequent and habitual drug abuse, her careless driving habits or her ceaseless and unending need for attention by the paparazzi.

Now, while you may be tempted to foist the blame on me and those who share my need to help Britney see the error of her ways, it would be fruitless to do so. Like the mother who must scold her child for behaving badly, it is with nurturing love that I point out Britney’s new and creative ways of displaying her limited intellect.

While I feel a sense of internal guilt for my harsh adherence to the facts of this sad tale, it is you, uncritical fans, who are the real villains. Rather than administering the tough love Britney so desperately needs and is practically begging for, your unquestioning defense of this human swamp gas is in fact enabling her descent into the abyss. So, instead of intervening and stopping the madness before it becomes completely unmanageable, you continue to directly and unswervingly contribute to her eventual and ultimate downfall.

In your quest for someone to blame for Britney’s problems, since clearly the fault is not her own, allow me to save your the effort. Walk directly to the closest mirror, stick out your finger and look closely. YOU, are the problem.

I understand you may be tempted to thank me profusely, and most likely, you are overcome with the need to repay me for this insightful analysis, but please - don’t. Helping you see the error of your ways is payment enough. Now go, go forth and do good. Be a dumbass no more. Do it for Britney, do it for the children. Above all, do it for Baby Jesus.

You’re welcome.

I was told once to never brag about how great your sex life is or how well-endowed you man is, for someone may come along and covet what you have. I guess no one bothered to let Posh know that. In response to rumors her hubby stuffed for his photo shoot for Emporio Armani, Victoria didn’t just deny those rumors, she offered just a little too much information (at least for my delicate sensibilities).

Contact Music quotes Victoria Beckham on the now infamous Armani photo shoot:

The L.A. Galaxy player lying seductively across a bed, proudly showing off a bulging groin - which fans speculated was computer-altered. But the Spice Girl insists what’s pictured in the pair of white briefs is all his. She says, “I’m proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion. He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!”

Wow, that’s a classy way of putting it. Any man would be proud to have their wife say he’s laying pipe the old fashioned way. What happened to discretion in the bedroom? Jeebus people, it’s the holidays, can’t we have a little decorum?

Some people just LIKE to make baby Jesus cry.

Assholes.

So the full video for Britney Spears second single is out. “Piece of Me” is the latest nonsense Jive is pushing from her semi-flop of an album Blackout. Apparently there’s been some “post-production work” on the video to thin Britney up a bit. Clearly the video gurus stopped midway through their efforts because Britney still looks bloated and ridiculously under-dressed for her current body.

What’s so ironic about all this (and Britney’s life is full of irony) are how the lyrics of this song hinge around her life in the tabloids. Britney making fun of the media’s perception of her as an out-of-control, “shameless,” attention-whore when in reality she IS an out-of-control, shameless attention whore - isn’t even irony, but mere fact, which is what makes it so ironic. Britney pretending she’s in on the joke that is her life, is so incredibly sad and pathetic, that for a split second I almost felt sorry for her.

But, unlike so many of you fine folks, I don’t feel sorry for her, not in the slightest.

Britney’s refusal to get the help she so clearly needs and do ANYTHING of substance with her life except drink calorie-laden Frappuccinos, drive around aimlessly (and dangerously), spend her money on cheap and/or expensive trinkets, court the paps while pretending she hates them, and ultimately and more importantly — neglect her children and their needs — is a testament to how sick and twisted she is. Feeling sorry for her ISN’T helping. Turning on her might though. In case people aren’t aware, Britney is currently under investigation by DCFS for concern of the children’s safety and welfare. If nothing else, she has blatantly abused her privilege to be their mother, and while that may not be physical abuse, it’s abuse all the same.

Anyway, there’s the new video for your enjoyment. I hope you like it, because I sure didn’t.

According to a poll I took last night, which involved calling all three of my friends, my mom, my kids and a couple homeless people who hit me up for change, Britney Spears is the worst mother to ever live. That means Andrea Yates,that Prom Mom who drowned her newborn in the toilet and countless strangers who’ve done irreparable harm to their children over the last 100,000 plus years since man evolved from apes, came in behind her. WOW! That’s impressive. You know what this means?

Britney Spears is back on top again. On top of the “I am a total lying idiot y’all.” Why do I say all this hyperbolic spewage against America’s sweetheart? Because once again Britney managed to not fulfill her obligations in her ongoing legal battle to win back custody of her two small children, 2-year old Sean Preston and 1-year old Jayden James.

Britney was supposed to show up for a deposition yesterday with Kevin Federline’s attorneys, but called in sick, saying she wouldn’t be able to make it because of some undisclosed “illness.” No doubt, K-Fed’s attorneys will be seeking “remedies” from the court, ie., sticking it to her as hard as they can, a task made simpler than even her wee little brain, because she refuses to cooperate with the courts, K-Fed, or any authority who has a say in whether she sees her kids.

Britney was seen later that evening wandering the city until 2:00am visiting her favorite places: Four Seasons hotel, various gas stations and most likely, a Starbucks. Britney, in her infinite wisdom and remarkable intelligence apparently drove off without her assistant, leaving them at the gas station. No word on whether she went back to get them. They are better off being forgotten, sort of like little SPF and JJ.

It’s getting to be regoshdamndiculous reporting on Britney’s ceaseless ineptitude at not just parenting, but being a human being. I have come to the conclusion Britney sucks infected rat penises in the gutter. Think I am kidding about that? Just wait, TMZ will have video later of Britney crouching down in the gutter trying to grab a little rat penis. Those things are small y’all, it takes real commitment and if there’s anything we know about Britney, she needs to be committed.

Sometimes when I walk into a Walgreens, I am so overcome by excitement at all the awesome sundries they have, I start running up and down the aisle, screaming like a rabid Sasquatch and proceed to drop a grumpy right on the floor in the cosmetics aisle.

Apparently so does Transformers‘ star Shia LeBouf. Luckily, because he is so darn cute he was able to get all charges against him dropped stemming from an arrest last month at a Chicago Walgreens.

LaBeouf was arrested on Nov. 4th for refusing to leave the store after Walgreens employees asked him to vacate the premises. Walgreens staff felt LaBeouf was either intoxicated or on drugs and was causing a scene. He was probably trying buy some condoms and got confused and started putting them on in the store. Or not, who knows, I just made that up because Shia so cute — and so young (21).

Is it wrong that I imagined him trying on condoms. Shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Must be something in the water out in LA. because those freaks can’t seem to stop with all the baby-making. K will not be happy to hear another celeb if foisting yet another innocent child into the heinous world of fame. I for one love when the crazies procreate. It makes for even more craziness. Nothing pushes you further over the edge like having kids, so keep going you sex machines.

People is reporting actress Jessica Alba and her long-time boyfriend Cash Warren are due in late spring/early summer. From the article:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director’s assistant.

The couple have been seen being affectionate together in Los Angeles in recent days, shopping for mattresses last Saturday and attending a Lakers game, where they were spotted kissing Sunday.

Well, congrats to the happy couple. Welcome to the terror of parenthood. You can kiss your affectionate kissing goodbye. It’s all over but the crying and the crapping.

At the top of my Christmas list in BLACK BOLD LETTERS is: MORE PICTURES OF BRITNEY SPEARS’ ASS. And just in time and right on schedule, I got my wish. I also wished for bleach and forks to gouge my eyes out after viewing said pics, but Santa wasn’t feeling all that generous I guess. I think he’s had it with the attention whores of fame.

So here you go, pics of Britney showing her best feature, which just so happens to be a far site better than her face these days. Nothing like have your face bloated from Starbucks frappes, prescription drugs, heavy doses of Nyquil and whatever other crap Brit shoves in her gaping maw. This new lifestyle has done wonders for her skin. She’s a real beauty that Britney.

Pics courtesy of Dlisted, Wenn.