Open Letter To John Mayer
Dear John:
Although some people might think you are a bit crazy to do it, I, for one, applaud your decision to wear and maintain an authentic 1980’s feathered haircut:
“Today I set off on my newest project,” writes the 30-year old musician, who made news this week after spending time in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. But his newest project isn’t romantic — it’s hairier than that. His goal: “To grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut,” he blogs, further insisting, “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time.” He admits to being “very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape,” noting, “The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. And as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.”
But as someone who actually lived through the 80’s, I have to say…you’re on your way (the jacket you have on is a nice touch), but you haven’t got it right just yet. Please, allow me to offer you some advice.
First, the hair isn’t necessarily about length, but the layers. It’s all about the feathering. You have to have texture to your hair, or it just isn’t worth it. Get yourself a few basics…the vented hairbrush (you know, the one that’s rectangular with holes in it and the plastic bristles with the little round tips), a blow dryer, some hair mousse, and an economy-sized can of Aqua Net. When you’re blow drying, take the brush and your dryer and swoop them together on your hair, pulling the hair out from your head and simultaneously pulling them both towards the back of your head. This will create both volume and texture. Continue until your hair is dry.
Then, you take the brush and comb forward, but then pull it backward. It takes a little practice, but you’ll get the hang of it. This lets the hair settle into the “feathers”. As you are doing so, spray liberally with the Aqua Net. It isn’t really feathered until you can go out in the wind and your hair doesn’t move (or at least it moves in stuck-together layers). If you can grow out the back a little, just to where it touches your collar and flips up a bit, that would be the perfect ending touch.
But the hair isn’t the end…no, it’s just the beginning. If you truly want the attitude of “ease and quiet confidence” that 80’s hair can bring, you have to have the whole package. Yes, that means everything from the clothing you put on to the cologne you wear. If you stick fabulous 80’s hair on top of today’s clothes…well, that’s a huge fashion don’t. So don’t.
Let’s start with what goes underneath…you have to have the bikini underwear, preferably in stripes. Socks are pretty basic, or even missing altogether if you’re going for the Miami Vice look, but you must have the bikini underwear. If you can’t handle that (and some men just can’t), then tighty-whities are always a good standby.
Get yourself an Izod polo shirt, preferably in a pastel color, and pop that collar. (No, popping the collar didn’t originate with your generation.) If you really want to be authentic, wear an argyle vest over the top and/or a knit tie with a square end (tied loosely, of course). If you can’t find a shirt with a little alligator, or just don’t like the preppie look, go for the tight t-shirt, preferably a concert tee with three-quarter-length jersey sleeves from bands like REO Speedwagon or Journey (or if you really want to be a rebel, Poison or Metallica). A mesh shirt is good IF you have the abs for it, or a muscle shirt if you have the biceps. You can always get a Members Only jacket (no imitations, please…soooo grody to the max) or wear an oversized suit jacket over a t-shirt and roll up the sleeves.
Pants need to be tight enough to tell what religion you are, and definitely acid-washed (absolutely no dark blue, overdyed jeans allowed…like, totally gag me with a spoon). You can get away with black jeans if you wear boots. This was before they added Spandex to jeans, so you’ll just have to suffer. But there is an benefit…the cupping that jeans like these give to the tush is to die for and unparallelled in anything today’s fashion has to offer. Roll them up a bit (trust me) and show off your high-top Reeboks. If jeans aren’t your thing, parachute pants are always a good fall-back option (but they must be tight with lots of zippers).
Top it off with cologne and accessories…a Swatch watch is a must, along with some friendship pins on your shoes and some Obsession or Polo cologne (or some Coty Musk for Men if you didn’t have that kind of dough). Oh, and the ubiquitous 1980’s fashion accessory…Wayfarer sunglasses, or at least cheap knockoffs (I still wear them).
You see, John, you’re limiting yourself when you just concentrate on the hair. 1980’s hair isn’t a style…it’s an attitude, an entire package, and you just can’t have the attitude unless you have everything else that goes along with it. Follow my simple instructions and you too can feel “ease and quiet confidence”.
Oh, and give Dawn a call. She thinks you’re hot.
All the best,
k
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LOL! Don’t forget the perfect coif example of Leif (Farrah-do) Garrett. Sigh, I really wish that those high-top reeboks would come back in style.
Comment by Capcom — May 2, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Wasn’t Leif (and Shaun Cassidy and Kristy McNichol et al) more 1970’s than 1980’s? I was a kid in the 70’s, but I do remember the Hardy Boys.
My personal favorite was always Andy Gibb…now he was the hawtness.
You can get those Reeboks! I’ve seen them at the mall, with the two skinny Velcro straps and everything. They even come in neon colors! Pair them with two pairs of slouchy socks on top of your pegged jeans and you’re totally cool again!
Comment by k — May 2, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
Ah Michael P. Keaton, my childhood crush.
Lovely and hilarious article K. You truly know your 80s looks.
Comment by Kaden — May 2, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
AHAHAH amazing! Man, if I were a dude I would be rockin’ all those hot tips you gave.
Comment by Brooke — May 4, 2008 @ 1:15 am
Thanks, everyone! I had a lot of fun writing this (and easin’ down memory lane)!
You know, the weirdest thing happened to me today. I was in the grocery store and I ran into this woman who, I swear, was stuck in the eighties. She appeared to be older than me, and here was her outfit: Neon camp shirt, stretch cotton leggings, slouch socks (yes!), LA Gear hi-tops with Velcro, and a Members Only jacket. She had on winged green eyeshadow and neon pink lipstick and plastic hoop earrings with polkadots, with long hair and that little marshmallow poofy bangs thing in the front. She kept getting in my way as I tried to shop…it was funny, we kept doing this dorky little “You’re in my way” dance. Kind of like in Sims 2, where if you get them in a corner trying to pick something up they just sort of dance around, smiling at each other. I loled after I got away from her.
Um, 1985 is calling, they want their stuff back!
Comment by k — May 4, 2008 @ 2:27 am
“with long hair and that little marshmallow poofy bangs thing in the front.”
I believe those are called “mall bangs”. FYI there are entire sectors of the U.S. in which this look still lives; right alongside the mullet, leggings and oversized T-shirts.
Comment by Pookie — May 5, 2008 @ 8:56 am
Oh trust me, I live right in the midst of them. There are people here who haven’t changed their look one iota since 1985.
Comment by k — May 5, 2008 @ 9:15 am