The Twelve Commandments Of Madonna
Srsly, I’ve always thought that Kablahblahblahlalalah was as creepy fail as Scientology, but I never really quite realized just how creepy fail it is. Case in point: Madonna (otherwise known as Mistress Of All She Surveys), herself a bit creepy fail, finally let hubby Guy Ritchie see his sons, but it is provided he follows the Twelve Commandments as set forth by Her Holiness:
- Do not let them watch TV, read newspapers or magazines, or watch DVDs UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
- They can only eat food that is macrobiotic, vegetarian, and organic. No processed or refined food UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
- If they get thirsty, they are to drink Kabbalah water, even if they use it to dilute organic juice, and NO EXCEPTIONS.
- They are to only wear the clothing Madonna sent with them, but if the terrible event were to arise that they must purchase clothing it should not contain man-made fibers UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
- If they go out in public, disinfect their hands at EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY.
- They are not to have toys which are “spiritually or ethically unsound.”
- Don’t say the D-word (Divorce).
- Madonna will talk to the boys as much as three or four times a day at times which are convenient to her and which are set by her.
- The boys are not allowed to talk to Guy’s friends and especially if they are of the female persuasion.
- This visit is for Guy to spend time with his kids, and Guy’s parents (the children’s grandparents) are to have limited contact.
- The boys are NOT to be photographed with their father UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES and it is his fault if they are.
- Any bedtime stories are to be Madonna’s “English Rose” books and none other.
Do I really need to say any more? This stuff just writes itself.
I mean, srsly. First of all, #11 has already been broken. All you have to do is open one of the UK newspaper websites and there they are. But what is a “spiritually or ethically unsound” toy? Is she serious? I agree that we shouldn’t give our kids do-it-yourself junior Pol Pot playsets, but just how does one define that? Maybe something like Legos or blocks, but Legos can be used to fashion things like swords and guns, and blocks make really cool weapons, with their sharp corners and all. I’m assuming this means no teddy bears or stuffed animals to cuddle, since that might be enslaving an animal to do your will (of course, Madonna has riding horses, but that must be different). And anybody knows that if you spend too much time disinfecting yourself, you just make yourself more susceptible to germs, because you create new supergerms as they become resistant. I’d go on, but I think you get the idea.
By all accounts, the boys were happy to see Guy, with little Rocco particularly joyous:
Eight-year-old Rocco looked delighted to be back in his father’s company and threw his arms around him after walking through the gates at Gatwick.
Guy also shared a hug with David, three, whom he adopted from Malawi in 2006, later hoisting him on his hip as they made their way through the terminal.
An onlooker says: ‘Rocco shouted, “Dad!” in the loudest voice.’
‘Both he and David were smiling. Guy literally threw his coffee aside to free up his hands and run over. You could tell they were all so excited to see each other.’
And I don’t care what anyone says, putting little Rocco in a NY Yankees shirt was a deliberate slap in the face to Guy:
Guy was reportedly reduced to tears after seeing a photo of Rocco at a New York play centre wearing a navy Yankees T-shirt - the baseball team of Madonna’s rumoured new love interest Alex Rodriguez - just days after the split was made public.
Rocco loves his father dearly and undoubtedly didn’t realize he was being made a pawn, used to send a two-fingers-up message to his father. But it isn’t hard to manipulate a kid into thinking that this or that is cool, especially if he has been treated to ballgames while in NYC. I mean, what little kid wouldn’t love a baseball game, in person, in a VIP box? He probably just thinks it’s a neat souvenir…only his mother realizes the true meaning.
But I do have a question…looking at a photo of the boys and their father in the airport, I have to ask…since when are Addidas trainers and Ugg boots vegetarian and all-natural? Aren’t the soles of the shoes of man-made materials? The black shoes certainly look like leather to me, and do I really have to go into what the uppers of Uggs are made of?
Look, I’m a child of divorced parents, and my mom had a list of weird stuff too for when I went to visit my dad, which he subsequently ignored. I love my dad. Need I say more?
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But what is a “spiritually or ethically unsound” toy?
Maybe it means stuff like G.I.Joe and Bratz (which I refer to as Tartz) and, oh, Monopoly (encourages robber baron behaviour), chess (it’s a war simulation, but it does have the great fact that the Queen is all-powerful, so it might be okay), Sorry (encourages children to apologise, thus making them weak), and so on.
Comment by Exyank — November 12, 2008 @ 11:27 am
2. They can only eat food that is macrobiotic, vegetarian, and organic. No processed or refined food UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
It’s this ‘under any circumstances’ which particularly grates with me. I can think of scenarios, some milder than others where one may not have time or opportunity to find out if any nourishment fits the PC bill - before the kids starve.
Number five can be solved by keeping the kid’s hands in small buckets tied together with string round the neck.
Madonna is going to suffer some awful shit from her kids when they get old enough to tell her to leg off. This control is just sociopathic.
Comment by Flour Power — November 12, 2008 @ 11:49 am
These orders are simply unbelievable. Guy must be thrilled that he is free of Madonna the control freak.
He’s adorable, and should have no problem attracting women.
And I agree about Kaballah, (probably not spelled correctly but who cares) it’s every bit as creepy and greedy as $cientology.
Comment by Rachel — November 12, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
Madonna is crazy, controlling and bitter. Guy is truly in a much better place without this vile woman in his life. How he stayed so long is a miracle.
I agree with the Flour Power, these kids are going to rebel against her so hard it will make her head spin. You have to give them some freedom for crying out loud.
Comment by D — November 12, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
A friend of mine is a totally girly, feminine, petite, hothouse flower who talks in a natural falsetto and who is as dainty as a doily. She had a son who looks a lot like Rocco except younger (he’s about 5), very fine boned and thin and girly-looking. She swears up and down he’ll never do anything violent like play football, play with guns, wrestle, etc, and can’t imagine why I let my son play sports. I had the opportunity to watch this kid a while back…he was playing with Duplo blocks (a sort of big chunky Lego block), and what do you think me made out of his?
A gun.
I used to be one of “those” parents too, until I got over myself, realized I had a boy, and bought my poor red-blooded son some GI Joes. I didn’t buy him big fake guns, still really not thrilled about those, but I did loosen up the restrictions some. He plays football and wrestles. Don’t tick him off on the football field or the wrestling mat, he’ll take your head off.
You know what he wants to be? A minister.
Comment by k — November 12, 2008 @ 3:33 pm
She has really lost it. Nuff said!
Comment by Madonna is an IDIOT — November 12, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
Madonna is a straight up BEEYOTCH!!
Comment by D-Bomb — November 14, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
[...] as I say, not as I do” club when it comes to her kids. If you remember, one of her Twelve Commandments to Guy was that he could not let the boys talk to any of his friends, especially if they were [...]
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