Hey, just because Paris Hilton is some sort of heiress and is paid to show up at parties and look all Parisy and has a dump truck-load of money at her disposal, that doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling the recession like the rest of us, so don’t be hatin’ – Derober

The secret life of Elroy Jetson, Scientologist - starcasm

Ashton Kutcher is totally upset that he, as a Super Famous Person, has to deal with the same nuisances as the little people (probably NSFW) - dlisted

Madonna meeting up with A-Rod at Jerry Seinfeld’s home, which is kind of appropriate if you think about it – The Superficial

Nick Cannon:  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to have your manhood cut off with a plastic knife than to have married Mariah Carey? – Celebslam

Austin, Texas drivers were treated to a special case of the willies recently when they encountered official road signs warning them about ZOMBIES!!! Apparently some mischievous types hacked into the city owned responsible machines and set up the signs with the ZOMBIE!!!! warnings, causing both panic and confusion (oh, and plenty of LOLS too I am sure). Here’s more about the ZOMBIE gag from KXAN:

The signs near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards usually warn drivers about upcoming construction, but Monday morning they warned of “zombies ahead.”

“I thought it was pretty funny,” said University of Texas sophomore Jane Shin, who saw the signs while driving down Lamar Bouelvard with friends Sunday night. “We wondered who did it.”

The City of Austin does not own the signs, but they are responsible for the message. The contractor on the construction project owns the signs. A city spokesperson said the hacked messages were only up for a few hours, until the construction project manager saw them during his morning commute and immediately ordered them to be changed back.

“Even though this may seem amusing to a lot of people, this is really serious, and it is a crime,” said Austin Public Works spokesperson Sara Hartley. “And you can be indicted for it, and we want to make sure our traffic on the roadways stays safe.”

Hartley said though it was a locked sign, the padlock for it was cut. Signs such as these have a computer inside that is password-protected.

“And so they had to break in and hack into the computer to do it, so they were pretty determined,” said Hartley.

This crime is a class C misdemeanor in Texas, and Hartley said it endangers the public.

“The big problem is public safety,” said Hartley. “Those signs are out there to help our traffic on the roadway to stay safe and to know what’s coming up.”

KXAN Austin News cameras caught many drivers slowing down to read the signs as they approached. Some read, “Zombies ahead! Run for your lives!”

Am I a bad person for finding this story hilarious? Probably, but oh well. One of the games we play with the kids is the DEAD ZOMBIES ATTACK game, and my youngest (who is altogether very strange) asks us to chase him around the house pretending to be mutant ZOMBIES!!! The game typically ends with tickling and laughter, but sometimes we EAT HIS BRAINS.

Just kidding, or am I????? Seriously, if my son had seen that sign, he’d certainly have dropped a deuce, because at least once a week he asks me if ZOMBIES!!! are real. And well, who knows, maybe, you can’t ever be too sure. And now there’s proof!

BWAAHAHAHAH!

As reported HERE FIRST, Glosslip revealed, thanks to some super-sleuthing by our friend MT and the folks at www.WhyWeProtest.net, voice-over actress Nancy Cartwright used her Bart Simpson voice character to make some promotional calls on behalf of the Church of Scientology for an upcoming event.. The video has been removed from YouTube by 20th Century Fox due to copyright infringement, but the word about what Cartwright did is already out, and her bosses as Fox are none too happy about it.

An article in the Daily Mail reveals that Cartwright’s bosses do NOT approve this message:

Executives at 20th Century Fox are reported to be fuming after Cartwright recorded a voicemail message using her ‘Bart’ voice to boost turn-out for the event at the organisation’s Hollywood centre.

The message begins with Cartwright introducing herself as Bart in the character’s voice.

She says: ‘Hey, what’s happening man, this is Bart Simpson!’ – and laughs using Bart’s trademark chuckle.

The actress – who is a Scientologist – then reveals her true identity, saying: ‘Just kidding, don’t hang up, this is Nancy Cartwright. This is a very special phone call to you.’

During the 59-second message she switches between her voice and Bart’s, ending several sentences with the word ‘man’.

‘It’s gonna be a blast man!’ she says in Bart’s voice, chuckling before describing what she will be speaking about at the event in Los Angeles on January 31.

Blogger Perez Hilton posted the audio on the internet on Wednesday but it was quickly removed due to a copyright claim by 20th Century Fox when the story made headlines, according to The Times.

Simpson’s executive producer Al Jean said: ‘This is not authorised by us.

”The Simpsons’ does not, and never has, endorsed any religion, philosophy or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars,’ according to TV gossip website The Live Feed.

DOH! It seems what started out as an internal leak from within the Scientology community, may come back to haunt Cartwright, Scientology and the folks at the Simpson production team.

This story, which is now not only all over the gossip rags, is also hitting mainstream media. The “religion” that is Scientology has been reduced to a punchline to almost any and every joke related to cults, religion and celebrity culture, and they are doing a fantastic job of marginalizing themselves even further with incidents like this. In researching this story, I came across several commenters who voiced concerns over having their kids watch a show which uses its characters to promote one religion over another. Some parents said they were going to ban the show from their homes and inform their friends to do the same. Word is spreading like a virus and Scientology is the STD no one wants.

Nancy Cartwright, who donated $10million dollars to the Church of Scientology, has crossed a line with the public and this may turn out to be a major fiasco.

Oh, and be sure to call that number at the end of the video above (the one that doesn’t use Simpson images and hasn’t been pulled yet) and ask what an OT7 is, what’s the Wall Of Fire and if Lord Xenu will be there. But hurry, the event is this Saturday!

I think the video speaks for itself.    PWNED!

What couple has their hands in the classic “Aww, what a cute little baby belly” pose?  Hint:  I doubt if there is a little alien baby in there, but you never know.

Answer after the jump!

But wait, there’s more…

Yeah, I know…that’s corny, but not as corny as Joaquin trying to pwn us with this whole rap career thing.  Word is that the whole shebang is just one big joke, but no word on if anyone is actually laughing:

Ever since the actor announced he was ditching his career in movies to try to make it as a rap artist, speculation has flown wildly about what, exactly, the two-time Oscar nominee might be thinking. Following his widely panned three-song debut as a rapper at a Las Vegas nightclub on Jan. 16 — a shambling performance that concluded with the actor falling off the stage — two competing theories emerged: Either Phoenix is perpetrating an elaborate Andy Kaufman-style hoax (with an assist from his friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who’s ostensibly shooting a documentary about his career transition), or he’s truly lost his marbles. The truth, it seems, is closer to the former. “He said, ‘It’s a put-on. I’m going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it,’” says one source who recently worked with Phoenix.

Though Phoenix’s interest in music is sincere (he earned Oscar and Grammy nominations for his turn as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line and has directed several music videos), with this supposed career reboot he is evidently trying to both lampoon pompous actors and punk the media that covers them. Whatever his motivation or ultimate endgame, don’t expect him to break character anytime soon. “It’s an art project for him,” says a source. “He’s going full out. He probably has told his reps that he’s quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control.”

His publicist responds:

Joaquin Phoenix’s publicist insists that the actor’s recent foray into rap music is no hoax. Responding to growing speculation (including an EW.com story in which two people close to Phoenix say that his plans to retire from movies to focus on a music career may be an elaborate put-on), Susan Patricola told MTV News, “The transition from one career to another is never seamless. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Joaquin came from a musical family, in addition to winning a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Johnny Cash…. He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions.”

I don’t know.  I frankly don’t get why he would go to such elaborate lengths to make us all believe he has lost his little mind and decided to become the Unarapper.  Seriously, look for his Manifesto to be published any day now.

Of course, I didn’t think Andy Kaufman’s “performance art” was all that funny either.  I mean, there’s a time to be funny, and a time to joke around, and a time to put it away.  All he’s doing if this is true, in my opinion, is telling his fans thanks for making him rich enough to be able to quit shaking his moneymaker for the film cameras so that he can turn around and punk y’all with a really elaborate and stupid joke.

If this turns out to be true, it just makes me more and more convinced that some people need to just get real jobs already.

Rumor is that actor Patrick Swayze, who disclosed his cancer diagnosis a few months go and who was recently hospitalized with pneumonia, has decided enough is enough and he is discontinuing his treatments:

The 56-year-old is said to have made the decision after doctors told him there was little they could do to stop the progress of his illness, according to reports from US magazine The National Enquirer.

The Dirty Dancing star was diagnosed twelve months ago with pancreatic cancer, one of the most virulent forms of the disease.

Medical experts say most patients have less than six months to live after being diagnosed with such cancer.

Swayze had been determined to fight but earlier this month suffered a setback when he was admitted to hospital with pneumonia.

He was released on January 16 after a week under doctors’ supervision.

The magazine claimed the Ghost star was now growing increasingly weak.

A family friend told the Enquirer: ‘There’s nothing more doctors can do for him.

‘We are down to the wire and the goal now is to keep Patrick comfortable.

‘His condition is inoperable and they have stopped the chemo. He’s still losing weight and he’s very weak.’

The friend added: ‘Patrick regards himself as a cowboy, and is determined to die with his boots on and no regrets.’

Now, yes, it is the National Enquirer via the Daily Mail, both of whom have been known to get their stories crooked (as opposed to straight).  But lately the NE has been doing a good job of not only breaking news but actually getting it right when they do.

You’ll recall his words a while back when he sat down for an interview with Barbara Walters:

“I’ve never been one to run from a challenge,” Swayze told Barbara Walters in his first interview since his cancer diagnosis last January.

Still, when asked if he was scared, Swayze told Walters, “I don’t know. I will be so either truthful or stupid as to say no. But then I immediately, when I say that, I have to say yes, I am.”

“You can bet that I’m going through hell,” Swayze said. “And I’ve only seen the beginning of it.” [...]

Beating the odds, Swayze has lived with his cancer for a year and has stayed out of the spotlight, except when he appeared on the televised “Stand Up to Cancer” fundraiser last September. The crowd leapt to its feet when he walked onstage.

“I keep dreaming of a future, a future with a long and healthy life,” Swayze said, “not lived in the shadow of cancer, but in the light.”

Regardless of whether or not this turns out to be true, we wish Patrick and his lovely wife Lisa all the best and our prayers and thoughts are with them.

I think Catan has some issues.  :)  That being said, this video made me lol.  And there’s a nice link at the end to a doggie rescue organization that places basset hounds with good homes.

What’s really funny is poor Gunny…who, after all, just wants a nap!

(oh, and check out the laptop in the corner, it never goes off…screensaver, anyone?)

Oh, that silly Michael Jackson.  His endearing shenanigans never seem to stop.  The latest funny in the comedic saga that continues to twist around MJ’s life comes from director John Landis, who directed the now-iconic Thriller video back in the day…seems he’s a bit miffed that he’s been denied, oh, about a million dollars in royalty fees:

Jackson was sued yesterday by one of his old friends, director John Landis, who says he’s owed around a million dollars by the singer in royalties for their classic “Thriller” video. This comes on the heels of settling a $7 million lawsuit with Prince Abdulla of Bahrain.

Landis was one of Jackson’s last friends and supporters, so the suit is a last resort effort on his part.

It is also being revealed that Michael continues to borrow, and borrow, and borrow, with no visible way of paying back the money:

At the same time, I am told that Jackson borrowed heavily again through Thomas Barrack’s Colony Capital so he could afford his $100,000 a month rental in Beverly Hills. The refi came as Jackson let Barrack become his partner in Neverland, where Colony now holds a $24 million note.

The few people left around Jackson who know his perilous financial situation are wondering why he borrowed more money and question where this is all going to end. One place might be bankruptcy court, as 50 year old Jackson — whose on paper 50% ownership of Sony/ATV Music is leveraged every which way — continues not to take any real responsibility for his own finances.

Certainly, the new questions are forming around Jackson’s mysterious manager and confidante of the moment, Dr. Tohme Tohme. He’s just the latest in a long line of people with various agendas who’ve passed through the former pop star’s life.

This on the heels of news broken by Dawn’s favorite celeb blogger Ian Halperin, which is that Michael is allegedly dying of a disease which is stealing his eyesight and ability to walk:

As was reported in several news outlets over the last few weeks, Jackson was said to be suffering from a “rare genetic condition called Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency” and would die within 6 months if he didn’t receive a lung transplant. In addition, Halperin, who has written a book on the troubled star, states that Jackson is most at risk from “chronic gastrointestinal bleeding” and has lost vision in one eye. [...]

The National Enquirer (hey don’t laugh, they’ve gotten some big stories right lately) is also corroborating Jackson illness, and cite painkillers as a source of much of Jackson physical deterioration over the years:

A source close to the star divulged: “It’s tragic. His condition is just so far gone, I’d be surprised if he lasts six months.

“Painkillers and booze have caught up with him. The only way he was able to cope with the stress of sex scandals and his roller-coaster life was to mask the pain with substance abuse.

“But the end result is an addiction that will kill him.”

(And in case you were wondering if that photo of Michael is real, here he is with his kids when he is in the wheelchair.  Same time as above, different angle.)

Michael has been offered many opportunities to perform and make some serious change in return, but has thus far turned them all down for various reasons:

One of Jackson’s biggest problems is that he won’t return to remunerative work. I told you two weeks ago that he recently was offered a great gig: 10 shows minimum, 30 max, at $1 million apiece to perform the “Thriller” album at London’s Millennium Dome. It was a solid offer from AEG Live. But he wouldn’t do it.

He also wouldn’t appear at the Grammys. He also refused to pitch in on “Thriller” publicity — most of it was done by producer Quincy Jones. It seems no one has ever told Jackson the old adage that 99 percent of life is just about showing up.

Working isn’t always fun, but it can be done. Say what you will about Michael’s sister, Janet, but she keeps going, making money. She’s made three albums in four years, tours constantly and knows how to play the game. Unlike Michael, Janet understands that she’s not entitled to anything. She goes out and gets what she wants and needs. Maybe Michael should take a lesson from his little sister.

Okay.  Srsly.  Let me see if I’ve got this all straight:

• Michael has not only refused to do any sort of serious work for a paycheck, but has now disintegrated into a state where he probably could not work even if he wanted to (which it seems he doesn’t).
• Michael could possibly be suffering from a disease which could kill him fairly soon if  something doesn’t happen, leaving his children with a tangled knotted mess of finances and a shady manager in charge of it all.
• Even though he has less income coming in than bills going out, he continues to spend money like it grows on trees.
• He is continually allowed to borrow money, again and again, even though he doesn’t have any way of paying back the debts he already owes, and even though he has a consistent track record of spending more than he makes and of picking people to keep around him who are questionable at best.

By using this logic, Joe Schmoe The Ragpicker from up the road can go down to the bank and tell them that it’s okay that he doesn’t have any real means of income other than the change people occasionally put in his hat, and it’s okay that he spends money as fast as he gets it, and it’s okay that he is already millions of dollars in debt to the bank from previous loans, and let’s just forget his previous bad spending habits and that he has this bad habit of not repaying loans, and don’t pay attention to all those shadowy figures back there that came in with him holding their hands out, and never mind that annoying cough…because, look, he can dance and walk backwards!  He used to be somebody, back in the day!  So he needs some more money now, like, millions if you’ve got it to spare…that’s okay, right?

If you or I or anyone else went to the bank with a record like Michael’s, they’d laugh us out of there so fast we wouldn’t know what happened.  Yet Michael, because he is MICHAEL JACKSON, is allowed to have money hand over fist.  Yes, he was extremely talented…but that doesn’t mean he should be given a free pass.  And I’m sure there will be about a zillion comments telling me how jealous I am, how wonderful MJ is, how precious he is, how he’s on the verge of a major comeback, and who cares about his money habits?  He’s MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!!!!1!  OMG!!!!!11!!1!

Is it any wonder we are in a recession, when people’s thinking is as screwed up as this?

Bijou Phillips, daughter of John Phillips of The Mamas and The Papas fame, went on record regarding her thoughts on anti-depressant medication and the dangers of modern psychiatry, because, you know, she’s a doctor. We like to call her Doctor Dumbass, and here’s what she had to say in a recent interview for Paper:

“My grandparents didn’t take any pills, and they were fine,” Phillips said in the February issue of Paper. “Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f—king pansy.”

Yeah, well, your sister Mackenzie sure likes drugs, so how about you preach to her, and keep the rest of the world out of it.

If you are wondering where in the hell this fartcicle is coming from, take note: she’s a Scientologist. See, besides believing that aliens from 75 gazillion years ago were shipped to Earth by an alien overlord called Xenu to have their bodies destroyed with atomic bombs while they were gathered around volcanoes, Scientologists also believe that psychiatry and psych drugs are useless tools created by a corrupt and sinister organization. Hence their devious frontgroup, CCHR.

Crazy huh? Yes, but not in the world of extra-crazy sauce that Scientologists drink on a daily basis. So while Tom Cruise has been given a new rules of engagement lease on life which came at the cost of being told to STFU about Scientology and anti-psych drugs (after he managed to single-handedly sink his career by doing so) it seems Bijou Phillips (who dates fellow Scilon Danny Masterson from That 70’s Show) has taken up the mantle and is now spouting off steaming piles of total B.S.

Here’s the problem with Scienotology’s take on psychiatry, they have an all or nothing approach. The assumption that people with mental problems just need to “buck up” has NOT served them well. Clearly, people like Lisa McPherson, Jett Travolta, and that crazy sword wielding ex-Scientologist needed more than just bucking up. They needed qualified and certified medical help from real DOCTORS, but instead they were given the “buck up” treatment.

And we know how that turned out.

Bijou, how about you shut the buck up and go buck yourself. kthxbai!

(muchos gracias to the Rebel for the above spoof cover – NICE!)