In another life, when I come back as a lonely spinster, this will be my fate. I love the pussy…cats. Can you imagine the smell at the Caboodle Ranch? I am sure having all those kitties around would get old, but being a life long lover of animals, especially cats, this would be a variation of heaven for me. All the purring and pretty cat faces to look at and pet.

Craig, or Mr. Caboodle Ranch guy takes care of 500 cats, and has created a haven for kitties on a 30-acre ranch he built using his own money, including feeding, treating their various illness and loving them as best he can. He has a website you can donate to if you are so inclined, www.caboodleranch.org.

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Psych is one of the best shows on television you’re not watching.  Basically, Shawn is not a psychic but he had to pretend to be one in the pilot to get out of trouble with the cops…he notices everything because he was trained by his retired cop father to grow up and be a detective.  Only he grew up to be a loser, until he started pretending to be psychic.  Not only is it funny, not only is James Roday the hawtness, not only does it have The Best Theme Song Currently On TV (I have it on my mp3 player), but in the Tuesday The 17th episode, it got rickrolled.  Sort of.  Dude!

This part doesn’t have the prologue, where there is always a flashback, but here’s the back story:  Shawn and Gus (the two guys in the clip, best friends since grade school) went to summer camp every year where they always paired up in the Camp Pinata Contest.  Well, one year Gus teamed up with golden boy Jason Cunningham and won with a pineapple pinata (you search for the pineapple in every episode) while Shawn, who made a pinata in the likeness of Rick Astley, got stuck working with the kid who wore a jacket all week (complete with obligatory Star Wars reference).  Shawn got so mad at Gus that he drowned his Rick Astley pinata in the lake with a chain anchored to a rock.  Which leads to the theme song, which leads to this opening clip.

Oh, and if you ever wondered what happened to Mallory from Family Ties, she makes an appearance in this episode.  That’s all I’m gonna say.

The whole episode is a takeoff on the Friday The 13th movies.  You have to watch this show!  Srsly.  It’s on Friday nights, 10 PM EST, USA Network.  Set your DVR.  You can also watch episodes online at the link above.

Oh, the Reese’s Cups reference in the title?  I dunno, it’s just how my brain works.

In between the lines there’s a lot of obscurity
I’m not inclined to resign to maturity…

That’s my motto…be good this weekend, I’m outta here!

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen got married in Los Angeles last night according to Us Magazine. Despite rumors of their engagement in December, the couple repeatedly denied the news. Apparently they think we are all dumb-dumbs.

I normally love hearing about blessed events like weddings and births, but in Hollywood, these events are attached to stigmas of divorce rates in the 80% (just speculating that figure on empirical data) and ugly custody battles, so forgive my dampened enthusiasm. To make matters worse, this particular coupling already had built in scandal, as Gisele and Tom began dating when he’d already knocked up actress Bridget Moynahan. SHADY!! So in this case, we have two hos and baby!

More nonsense from Us:

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed today at the St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica, Calif., Usmagazine.com confirms.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate,” a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family. Brady’s son with ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, John Edward Thomas Moynahan, was also present.

(Fitting, as Bundchen once described her ideal wedding as “a simple ceremony…I don’t like parties, I prefer something more intimate, just for the closest people.”)

Reps did not immediately return calls.

The Brazilian-born supermodel has been dating the New England Patriots quarterback, 31, since 2006.

A pal close to the couple told Us Bundchen and Brady are perfect together.

“She’s definitely ‘The One,’” the source said. “She really makes him comfortable and just happy.”

And the bride wore white? Nervy! And of course she’s the one, they’re all the one, until they aren’t. I’m sure Bridget thought she was the “one” when Tom impregnated her. Congrats you two sluts! Here’s to hoping your union lasts longer most.

And dadgummit, he’s going to do something about it:

Why is Kevin Federline breaking into the children’s clothing business? In part because he’s tired of paying for overpriced jeans for his kids Jayden, age 2, and Preston, 3.

Women’s Wear Daily reports that Federline dropped by the Project Trade show in Las Vegas Feb. 24 to research kids’ clothing styles in the hopes of starting his own line.

“It’s a really tough business, I’m trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans,” Federline told WWD. “You buy your kids a pair of True Religions, then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable.”

I would like to point out, however…

Britney pays ex-husband Kevin Federline $480,000 a year, made up of $20,000 per month in “spousal support” and $15,000 a month on nannies for their sons Preston, three, and Jayden, two.

Federline, 30, will also get a $5,000-a-week “bonus” for letting the kids join Britney, 27, on legs of her Circus tour which kicks off in New Orleans on March 3.

But having said that, I do applaud his desire to not spend good money on clothes for kids that they outgrow in two months and tear up in one.  Not sure if some people realize it or not, but there is an alternative to $200 jeans for kids…it’s called not buying designer label clothing.  I’ve never understood parents who spend bucketloads of money at the mall for jeans and t-shirts and hoodies that their kids are going to wear at the playground, especially in these economic times.  Toddlers don’t care.  Stick them in some sweats and let ‘em play…as long as they have something covering their body when they are outside, that’s all that counts.  It’s only the parents who get all crazed about designer labels when the kids are not even old enough to read.

Or do what I used to do when my kids were little and needed play clothes…go to Goodwill.  If they tear up their jeans, you’re only out a few bucks (half-off if you managed to get the tag color of the day).  And I got news for Kevin…it don’t get no better when they get older.  My teenage son can tear up a pair of jeans in no time.

But but…it IS Kevin Federline, so I do have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive.  He does seem to love his kids, but he just comes across as a bit shifty.  Only time will tell, I guess.  This could be yet another half-baked scheme, like the rap career.  Would you let your kids wear toddler jeans by the House of Kfed?

Srsly…how cute are those boys???

The World Owes Me Everything, otherwise known as Paris Hilton, is afraid the pink slugs on her face are going to eat her! - Derober

Val Kilmer should learn how to sit like a lady – cityrag

Dogbert goes to the bailout hearings – Deceiver

Katie Price’s daughter Princess Tiaiaiaiamamamimimi is not a happy camper – Gabby Babble

Nicky Hilton: International House Of Pancakes Cop (cue the Harold Faltermeyer music) - Celeb Warship

Most people haven’t heard of Marc Headley. He’s not a celebrity, but he has met Tom Cruise. In fact, Tom audited Marc during his Scientology training courses at Gold Base. Tom may not remember Marc, but he’ll know him soon enough.

Marc Headley is a former Scientologist who worked at the Hemet, California desert compound called Gold Base. For 15 years, Marc worked long hours at the 500 acre guarded facility, also referred to as Int Base, or International Base. Marc was a member of the Church’s paramilitary group called Sea Organzation, or Sea Org. Sea Org members are recruited from within the organization’s ranks of poorly paid workers and volunteers, they are made to sign a “billion year contract” and are often forced to live away from family and friends doing the type of manual labor typically reserved for slaves, inmates of illegal immigrants.

It is at Gold Base, where the now infamous story of the “flowered meadow for Nicole Kidman” occurred. As the story goes, Scientology President David Miscavige forced Sea Org members to work round the clock creating a flowered meadow for Tom Cruise and his second wife Nicole Kidman to frolic in, simply because Cruise mentioned it to Miscavige as a fantasy he had for the two.

To understand what drove Marc Headley to confront one of the most litigious organizations in the world, you must understand Scientology’s leader David Miscavige. What Miscavige lacks in size (he’s reportedly only 5′2″) he makes up for in blinding fits of rage. Perhaps driven by a deep-seated insecurity, Miscavige uses his power and rage to intimidate and “motivate” those beneath him.

Unfortunately for Miscavige, he underestimated one such subordinate.

Reports of Miscavige abusing Sea Org members are nothing new. Glosslip detailed such first-hand accounts in our interviews with former members of the group, including Jeff Hawkins, another long time ex-member who was also physically abused by Miscavige.. When we interviewed Headley, he corroborated Jeff’s claims, stating he witnessed Miscavige abusing members during his time at Int/Gold Base. Here’s an excerpt of that Glosslip interview (full transcript here):

Well, from the time I showed up at Golden Era Productions in 1990, I had been there maybe a few months when I saw David Miscavige physically beat somebody up. And that was in 1990. So it’s not like this just developed over the past five years, there’s a pattern going on.

All the way up until I left in 2005 I’d say that I saw David Miscavige physically strike somebody or slap as you say or punch in the face, I’d say I witnessed myself at least thirty different occasions, myself. And I heard from other people second hand many more instances that occurred. That was the turning point was for me. In late 2004 I was walking through the main factory facility with David Miscavige and I had made a smart-alec comment in response to one of his questions, apparently he’d not had a good day already and my comment was not well received and he proceeded to unload on me.

He punched me in the face at least ten times and my glasses fell off, I was thrown up against a desk unit, a counter top, and that was the moment right then when I realized I could go no further down than this, to be beaten by the leader of my so-called church. What else could I do that could get me in a lower status than that? And I decided that I would strike back. As soon as he saw that in my eyes, I was grabbed and escorted out of the building and made to take a walk for about an hour or so. He sent several people off to console me, that he really shouldn’t have done that and he was really sorry. While I was being escorted out of the room I heard him say to his staffers, “He was going to hit me back”.

And I thought to myself, “Do you know what? I really was, I really was going to hit you back”. At that point that I started figuring out what I was going to do because I wasn’t going to be staying there much longer. And in January 2005 I left. A lot of people, a lot of Scientologists think that Dave Miscavige is the savior of the church and all those things that he’s done have kept it alive, basically the reason they are still around. That might also be the reason why they’re not going to last, because of the crimes, the physical violence, the emotional and mental torture, that he puts people through, its mind-boggling.”

Marc has written a book titled “Blown For Good” detailing his experiences inside the cult and what has happened to him since he left in 2005. Marc has been fair-gamed (a tactic of intimidation Scientology officials claim they no longer use) and he has been disconnected from family and friends (another tool used to keep ex-members from talking about the abuses they suffered). Marc has many grievances against the Church of Scientology and has a pending lawsuit which is set to blow to lid off of the super-secretive organization. We will be doing a multi-part series on Marc’s allegations against the Church of Scientology in what we believe will be the most damaging blow to Miscavige and his followers since the infamous Time Magazine article titled “Scientology, Cult Of Greed” hit newsstands in 1991.

For those who don’t believe a so-called “church” is willing to break laws to keep its secrets in tact, we offer a police report from the Riverside County Sheriff’s office, detailing Headley’s escape from Gold Base in January of 2005. For a recounting of that day, click here for an excerpt from Marc’s upcoming book.

POLICE REPORT AFTER THE JUMP.

But wait, there’s more…

Britney’s hairstylist was in court yesterday to give testimony against Sam Lufti, in a hearing to decide whether or not to continue the restraining orders against Osmegma and Adnan Brazilianwax:

“Someone kept calling me from a private number … he said his name was Sam,” Roberta Romero stated Wednesday. “He wanted information about Britney. He said he was on her side. I told him, ‘Leave me alone, stop calling me.’ ”

Lutfi allegedly sent Romero a series of 11 texts within a four day period, saying things like, “Please relay the truth to her. I did not do this to her,” apparently referring to Jamie Spears’s indefinite control over the singer’s life. Lutfi also allegedly texted Romero: “I’ve done everything I can to free her from this. Very close to getting her free now.” On another occasion he allegedly wrote: “I went to court to free her.” Romero says she repeatedly told Lutfi to leave her alone via text. [...]

Romero testified about an evening on Dec. 27 when she and Britney went to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Lutfi had been sending text messages to Romero that evening, and later, the two women texted back, “Leave me the [expletive] alone.”

At some point that evening, Lutfi texted Romero, “Can you wish her a Merry Christmas for me?” At 2 a.m., the women sought help from the singer’s bodyguard, Itamar Gelbman, who also testified in court.

“[Britney] complained Sam was texting her, and that she’s scared,” Gelbman said in court. “She asked for more patrols [around the house]. She wanted me to do more, to make sure everything was locked. She couldn’t fall asleep because of [Sam's texts to Romero]. She told me to make him stop.” Gelbman says he immediately called Lutfi and told him to leave the women alone.

Lawyers for Jamie Spears said Lutfi had been subpoenaed Tuesday night for cross-examination in court. The process server taped a notice to appear on his car windshield, they said, but Lutfi failed to show up.

It seems that Britney has finally opened her eyes to the evil that is Osmegma bin Luftwaffe and told her friend to stay away from him:

Romero, who has worked as Spears’ stylist for more than a year, said the singer told her to tell Lutfi to leave them alone. Romero and Spears notified the singer’s security staff about Lutfi’s text messages.

Romero said she only spoke to Lutfi once, weeks before Spears’ security became involved. She said he was not threatening over the phone, but that the singer told her to avoid her former friend.

“She told me she’s scared of him and not to talk to him,” Romero said.

Ultimately, the judge decided to extend the restraining order to March 18 and the hearing will resume on April 1…kind of appropriate when you’re dealing with these two fools.

I thought we were done with these two buffoons, but I guess they just can’t take a hint.  Adnan has had his own run-in with the law yesterday when he turned himself in before the popo could grab him on a warrant stemming from a little incident with a Mercedes, a process server, and his front bumper.  And you’ll recall that Osmarmy bin Loopy is suing Brit’s parents for damaging his character.  Yeah.  For reals.

So let’s take a look back at Sam Lutfi and his Magical Dancing Text Messages:

But wait, there’s more…

Here’s an interesting story for you…Lindsay Lohan, who’s recent exploits have included a few stints in rehab, several movie flops, and numerous shopping expeditions, has had a movie offer from Warren Beatty that she might not want to refuse…as long as she abides by a few rules, and they ain’t got nothin’ to do with Georgia:

What I’m told is that Warren, the smartest guy in Hollywood, bar none, wants Ms. Lohan to come live under his roof — at least one of his guest roofs — while he shoots this movie.

And wait, you’re wondering, what movie is this? Beatty is said to have a script he wants to direct and star in, with La Lohan possibly playing his daughter. (If it’s his love interest, well, I’m not going there and I’m sure Warren isn’t either.)

Lindsay is said to know this is a chance of a lifetime and a way to re-start her languishing career. Recent efforts, like that horrid John Lennon murder movie Chapter 27, haven’t left her in the greatest shape. On the plus side, she’s clean, sober, happy and looking great.

But Lohan is a gifted actress with a lot of baggage and reputation for not making it to the set always on time and in one piece. So Beatty’s proviso sounds like a smart idea. And how bad it can be to live up on Mulholland Drive under the aegis of Annette Bening? I can hear a lot of young actresses heading to the phone now to try and get that gig.

Lindsay has a lot of friends in the business including Conde Nast/Vanity Fair genius editor Ingrid Sischy. The former pilot of Interview magazine is said to be eager also to help Lindsay get back on track, and has offered her (the right kind of ) magazine covers. So it’s up to Lohan, who’s wasted too much time playing at life and a career.

Hmm.  Well, first, far be it from me to disagree with an illustrious writer who works at the uber-famous Fox News site, since I’m just a lowly celeb blogger, but I got a couple of beefs with that article.  First, I wouldn’t exactly jump to the conclusion that Linds is clean, sober, happy, and/or looking great.  I also take umbrage at the implication that she is a gifted actress.  Yes, she has some gifts, but it’s painfully obvious that she doesn’t know what to do with them…plus let’s face it, we ain’t talking no Meryl Streep here.  She may be good, but she’s not that good, yet.

I mean, early in her career (before she looked like a popsicle stick with two balloons tied to it that somebody dropped in the mud) she had some hits and her career looked promising.  But lately, her projects have tanked faster than the Hindenburg.  Anybody remember I Know Who Killed Me?  Chapter 27?  Georgia Rules?  Bobby?  I didn’t think so.  And the reason is because she can’t decide if she wants to be a celebrity or an actress, according to the aforementioned great Meryl Streep.  It’s like the comments I used to get on my report cards:  “k could work above her current level if she would apply herself.”  She could be great.  She has the ability, but if she doesn’t work on improving and honing those gifts, she’ll forever be relegated to the five-dollar DVD bin at Walmart…or the one-dollar rack at Big Lots.

Warren Beatty (Dick Tracy notwithstanding) could do wonders for her career, if Lindsay will let him.  But the facts are that she’s already been in movies with Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Laurence Fishburne, Anthony Hopkins, William H. Macy…girlfriend has had chances with some of the bigshots of the entertainment universe, chances other actresses would kill for, and she still can’t manage to truly break through.  She needs to realize that those chances are very likely to dry up if she doesn’t get her head out of her sphincter.  She needs to smarten up and realize that life is not all about parties, shopping, and acting like a general idiot in front of the whole world.  And for goodness sake, somebody get her a cheeseburger…she’s looking WAY too skinny again.  (btw, yes, that thing in the background is younger sis Ali.  Fifteen.)

She’s only 22.  She’s got her life ahead of her, and this could be a good do-over for her career.  Lindsay, it’s the same advice as what to do when you see drugs…don’t blow it!

UPDATE:  Turns out this story may be over before it has really begun:

For the record: Lindsay loves Warren, her pals say. They met and hit it off. No offers at this time. To anyone…For anything!….

Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it.  Publicists deny deny deny all the time, and then several months later lookie what happens.  Of course, those weren’t her drugs in her pants either, according to sources.

Did you hear the angel choirs singing last night? A crescendo of “hallelujahs” came soaring above the silver-lined clouds, or perhaps it was the sound of millions of perpetually horny and lonely men around the world banging their keyboards in exaltation.

Megan Fox is single. And thank goodness for that. Someone as gorgeous and popular as Megan should not be stuck with an old, haggard, boring single dad like Brian Austin Green. Didn’t we have enough of that guy back in the 90’s?

According to multiple sources the couple who’ve dated since 2004 and we’re engaged in 2006, have called it quits, stating the split was amicable and they will remain friends. From the LATimes:

“The relationship had run its course,” one of those chatty insiders tells Us. “They both realized the time had come to go their separate ways. It’s completely amicable, and they are remaining friends.”

Neither party has denied the rumor, so I guess that makes it official. We all knew this was a ticking time bomb of DUH! Brian Austin Green is a virtual nobody who was inappropriately touching a teenager when they first started dating. Fox is 22 and Green is 35, and they’ve dated for over four years. You do the math. Even in the real world this was a “mismatch.” Then you add Megan starring the hit movie Transformers, and Fox becoming the object of every male’s fantasy and it was only a matter of time before Green was tossed out like yesterday’s news.

Rumors of Green being jealous of Megan’s career probably didn’t help matters, plus there’s that whole scandal of Green refusing to accompany Fox to the Golden Globes:

Megan Fox’s fiance refused to go to the Golden Globe Awards with her. The “Transformers” actress – who is engaged to former “Beverly Hills, 90210″ star Brian Austin Green – presented a prize at Sunday’s prestigious event and admitted it was not her choice to attend on her own.

She said: “Brian doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man. He has an ego.”

“I think he’s probably working on music. I don’t think he cares.”

That was the proverbially “writing on the wall” as they say. Brian, don’t feel bad, other than perhaps Brad Pitt, there is virtually no one in Megan’s league. You were a statistic well before you two got matching tattoos.

Congrats Megan for waking up and smelling the obvious: hotties don’t date never-wases.

Here’s the burning question which keeps me up late at night. Why do people in Hollywood even bother having relationships? Hollywood’s a nasty stew full of ego and whoring, what’s the point? With just a handful of exceptions, long-term relationships and celebritydom don’t mix.

It makes me cry, but not as much as when I discover all the Girl Scout Cookies are gone.

You knew it was coming.  Don’t look so surprised.

Pamela Anderson, who has been accused more than once of being “trailer trash”, is reportedly actually living in a trailer with her supposed new boyfriend!

The former ‘Baywatch’ star is reportedly living in a mobile home with new lover Jamie Padgett, who is a surfer and electrician, in Malibu.

A source said: “Pam is staying with him in the Paradise Cove trailer park while her house is renovated.”

Three-times divorced Pamela, 41, met Jamie at the end of January and soon introduced him to her sons, Brandon, 12 and Dylan, 11.

The source added: “Pam and the kids joined Jamie and his sons – who are around Brandon and Dylan’s age – on his boat in Paradise Cove at the weekend. They spent most of the time on the beach with their kids. They are really happy together.”

Pamela is said to have fallen “head over heels” with Jamie because of his clean living ways – in stark contrast to Pamela’s ex-husbands: Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee, who is also the father of her children, rapper Kid Rock and professional poker player and pornographer Rick Salomon.

A friend said: “She is more in love than I have ever seen her before. He’s a totally moral, nice, normal guy. She is completely head over heels.”

You know, most of us are already head over heels, if you think about it.  I think in Pam’s case, it’s more like heels over head.  ZING!

But what’s this snippet about Pammie being more in love than ever?  Let’s revisit…June of last year:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me,” said a beaming Tommy Lee(speaking, of course, of his ex-wife and sex-tape costar Pamela Anderson and their two sons, Brandon and Dylan). “It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

And from July 2006, about Kid Rock:

Feels like I’ve been stuck in a time warp…Not able to let go of MY family picture… it’s been sad and lonely and frustrating…I’ve raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle.

Well my miracle came and went. And came back and back because he knew that I’d wake up one day and realize that I was waiting for nothing.

Oh, and a more recent one about Rick Salomon, in October 2007:

So why a third walk down the aisle for Anderson? Says a source, “They are head over heels in love. They are really close. They have a relationship already and they have the license.”

Okay, I’m done.  I’ll let you make up your own jokes from this point, because it’s Just. That. Easy.  C’mon, give it a try!  I’ll get you started…It’s a good thing that Pam is living at the beach, because that way she can use her bolted-on set of permanent water wings!  See?  You don’t even have to stretch first.