She Who Shall Not Be Denied, otherwise known as Madonna, is determined to go ahead with her adoption of another child from Malawi, despite opposition from almost every corner:

Not everyone here is impressed with Madonna’s self-appointment as saviour of Malawi’s orphans. Yesterday the singer was branded a ‘child kidnapper’ by Mabvuto Bamusi, executive director of Malawi’s Human Rights Consultative Committee, a network of 85 non-governmental organisations.

‘We feel Madonna is behaving like a bully,’ added Undule Mwakasungula, its national co-ordinator, after the court hearing. ‘She has money, she has status, she is using her profile to manipulate the procedures.’

It would seem that Mercy’s family have finally bowed to the adoption after two years of pressure, exerted at Madonna’s behest.

Only this weekend, Mercy’s grandmother, Lucy, said that Mercy was being ’stolen’ from the family.

Madonna, who flew in to Lilongwe by private jet on Sunday afternoon, eventually sold the idea to the family by saying that one day Mercy would come back to see them at their village.

However, one might look up the father of little David Banda, also adopted by Madonna from the poor country, and ask him how many times he has seen his son since Madonna stole adopted him.  David has visited his father, Yohane, exactly one time since the adoption, and that only a few days ago…despite promising his father that there would be contact (reportedly, David’s first words to his father in over two years were, “Hello, who are you?”).

It is interesting to note that Madonna does not travel as most people do who wish to adopt a child from the country of Malawi (by the way, Peons Who Don’t Matter To She Who Shall Not Be Denied, otherwise known as regular people, must live in the African country for eighteen months before being considered as potential adoptive parents); she not only flew in her personal trainer (Josh; of course, what was I thinking?), but also several exercise machines including a treadmill.  Because, after all, she wouldn’t want to miss one minute of her hours-long workouts every day for something as insignificant as an adoption of another human being.  And God forbid she should run on something like a road!  Don’t you know how dusty it is in Africa?  Don’t you read National Geographic?  The people there are so dirty!

No, if Madonna wants something, Madonna gets something.  She wanted to exercise, so they flew in her special machines.  She wanted her trainer there, so they jetted him in.  She wants another child, so who cares if there are these pesky things called laws and statutes and such?  I guess it never occurred to her that it might seem spoiled to jet in all those things while people are, I don’t know, dying and stuff.  Plus, I’m sure she either got rid of or hid her Kablahblahblah red boogey-man-repellent string because it clashed with her outfit, not because a country which adheres to the Christian faith such as Malawi might not like it.  Oh no.  Why, that would be sneaky.

And just what does the family of little Mercy, the human life in question at the center of all this drama, have to say about the whole thing?

Mercy’s family aren’t impressed by Madonna the superstar. They don’t even know who she is because they have no radio or television in the redbrick hut in their village. All they know is that there is a wealthy lady from America who wishes to take Mercy away with her.

Mr Baneti, Mercy’s uncle, lives in a mud shack five hours away from Lilongwe.

He had never been to Lilongwe before yesterday’s court hearing.

Speaking a few days ago, the fisherman reportedly said: ‘We never wanted to let Mercy go. She is part of our extended family and our culture.

‘Now we have been persuaded that Mercy can have a better, healthier life somewhere else in the world with this rich white woman. I feel we need more advice, but everything is going so fast. We were told there is an important meeting where we must sign papers on Monday. Now we hear it is a court hearing in front of a judge.

‘We have no experience of this sort of thing. We are not sure if we should be saying goodbye to Mercy like this.

‘We cannot afford a lawyer to represent us, but my brother and I are going to insist there is an agreement that our niece will come back to us one day. We really need that.’

I suppose the idea that working to keep little Mercy’s family together and working to improve their lives has not occurred to Madonna.  Take it a step farther…one could argue that the money Madonna is spending to adopt one child away from her family could better be spent on attempting to give the whole country and its inhabitants a better quality of life.  A regular person might only be able to help one child, but someone such as Madonna has the ability to help many.  She has the money to spare, and I’m sure that is what her charity, Raising Malawi, is all about, right?  Helping lots of people, not just snatching the one child away that she really really really wants?

But then Madonna wouldn’t be getting her way, would she?  After all, creating a charity means that she truly cares, right?  She surely wouldn’t do something like that just to make herself look good to those in charge of signing adoption papers, right?

Then there is that school she is building.  Only really nice, decent-type people who deserve little African children build schools, right?

Madonna arrived in Malawi with Lourdes, 12, Rocco, 8, and David on Sunday and toured the village of Chinkhota, where she is planning to build a school.

The singer was photographed examining a 3D plan of the proposed building, but local residents were less than enthusiastic about the idea.

‘She has bought all this land and we are told everyone will lose their gardens and have their houses demolished,’ 43-year-old villager Lucy Chagoma said.

Another resident, Esinati Nkhoma, said villagers were worried that they would not receive compensation for their land.

‘We are told to leave our gardens after this year’s harvest, we are told our houses are to be pulled down but nobody is talking about compensation,’ she said. ‘Where will we move to?’

Charles Kalemba, the Lilongwe District Commissioner, said compensation was being handled by the government and officials from Madonna’s charity Raising Malawi.

‘Everyone will definitely be compensated,’ he insisted.

Most reasonable people, when confronted with those who have concerns about their actions, will at least give them a listen and examine themselves to see if those concerns have any merit.  Not so Madonna…here’s what she thinks about people who don’t think she is doing the right thing:

Asked what she thought about those opposed to the adoption, she replied: ‘It’s none of their business.’

And there you have it.  If she’s bending or outright breaking the law, if she’s behaving at the least unethically and at the most like a bullying thug, we have been put in our place…we have been told it’s really none of our business.  So those of you who support her by digging into your ever-shrinking wallet to buy her CDs, use your credit card to download her music, or pay good hard-earned money to go see her in concert, you’ve just been told it’s none of your business.  She’s got your money now and she’ll do what she pleases with it.  And if that means snatching a child away by dubious means, what’s that to you?  You’re just jealous because you can’t do it!

Just in case you were wondering how Perez Hilton manages to do it all, we may have found the answer:  Rumor has it that the Perezinator doesn’t do his own stunts, if you know what I mean:

We had lunch yesterday with someone closely connected to Perez Hilton who confirmed what we’ve suspected for a while now:
Perez no longer writes any of the content on the site.

The only things Perez Hilton actually contributes to his own website these days are the video blogs he puts up from time to time.

He’s got not one but THREE writers he’s hired (including a new one who loves to use the word “Fehk”) so he can go gallivanting around, propagating his own celebrity while his minions do the heavy lifting.

Lame!

That ain’t Cyrano, that’s Milli Vanilli.

But at least now we know why his site has started to suck in the past year.

You know, it’s rather ironic that someone who broke into the business telling stories on other people is now the subject of rumor and hearsay themselves.  It’s also rather ironic that someone who supposedly got into celeb blogging because they enjoyed it so much is now such a big star in their own right that they don’t even have time to do what made them a star to begin with.

I mean, what’s the point?  After all, what IS Perez without his site?  Just another fat-guy-on-the-inside with bad skin and horrible taste in clothes who is still nursing grudges from his childhood.  If he isn’t writing on his site, then why is he a “celeb” at all?

TTTT, I haven’t visited Perez’s site in stinkin’ forever, mainly because it just gets boring after a while.  I mean, come on.  Yeah, he does manage to break news on new music, and sometimes he does get exclusive scoops…but I’d rather have modest success and be able to sleep at night.

(For some reason, and it may be because it is Monday, I wanted to write, “Does Perez Hilton Use Dunt Stubles?”  I dunno.  It just sounded funny.)

John Mayer, underwears, and sniffing.  I am not taking this one any farther – IDLYITW

Candy Spelling’s “To Do” list:  Write book and sell house…but that whole meeting granddaughter thing?  Yeah, scratch that – Celebrity Cafe

Piers Morgan on Jade Goody – Daily Mail UK

Two Lovers director James Gray:  Joaquin Phoenix is making a fool of himself…and by the way, he isn’t promoting my movie! – Hollywood TV

Farrah Fawcett still battling cancer – Janet Charlton’s Hollywood

What?  Kim Kardashian has cellulite, just like us regular folks?  What is this world coming to? – Celeb Warship

Demi Moore’s Backside, Ashton Kutcher’s POV

You know how sometimes you are stricken with a brilliant thought only to discover someone’s already out-thunk you. Well, that’s what happened to me this morning.

Most internet savvy people know about Twitter, or as I like to call it “another time-sucking activity.” Essentially Twitter is like micro-blogging, or fortune cookie blogging. You update constantly but say very little. My husband, the incredibly handsome fellow over at Blogcritics (I get cookies for sucking up to him began Twittering in earnest a few weeks back and now thinks I need to tweet more often.

So that got me thinking about celebrities and Twittering. As in WHY would a busy celeb want to use a site like Twitter? Aren’t they busy doing famous people stuff? You know, shopping, having their pictures taken, getting DUI’s, being sluts, etc.? Being the arm chair psychologist I am, I began analyzing the psychology of why a celebrity would want to take the time to inform the world of what they are doing at any given moment, when all they do is bitch about their lack of privacy.

Then it hit me, instant gratification. Celebrities, for the most part do what they do because of an insanely bloated sense of self. They have HUGE egos they must feed everyday, and clearly the army of sycophants tending to their every whim just isn’t enough, so now, they have this new tool that allows them to quickly blast off a mini-missive and share with the whole world. And since Hollywood is the new high school, it’s all about popularity.

Now before I get too ahead of myself, here’s where I was out-thunk. HolyMoly already jumped on this idea and even went one further by coming up with a formula to determine which twittering twat-heads are the most into their own damnselves.

*claps hands, bravo, bravo* More from HolyMoly’s post on twats who tweet:

But wait, there’s more…

But what they ended up with was Big Bang Fact:  If one uses enough explosives, one will rock a town:

“It was a boom that was just — I had never heard anything like that before, it was really weird,” said Sherril Stephens.

The explosion was so big it shook the town of Esparto, knocking Stephens off her couch and breaking her front window.

“Course all the neighbors ran out into the street. We didn’t know what was going on,” said Paul Williams, who heard the explosion.

Some people said they thought it was a plane crash, others, a house explosion.

The smoke and dust rose from the site about a mile from town.

It turns out the Discovery channel’s Mythbusters were taping an episode there.

They were trying to literally “knock the socks off” a mannequin by igniting 500 pounds of ammonium nitrate. But the explosion was a lot bigger than they expected.

“It felt like a house blew up, straight up,” said Paul Williams.

Williams was working at local school when he said he heard and felt the big boom.

“We were just scrambling to find out what was going on because we got kids out on the playground,” Williams said.

Williams said the school and others in town should have been notified the blast was going to happen.

Chief Barry Burns, of Esparto Fire Department, had several firefighters on hand for the explosion. He said he made the decision not to notify anyone in town for safety sake.

“Mythbusters is supposed to be a really popular show. Everybody would have been out there. We would have had to cancel it because it would have been too dangerous,” Burns said.

For most people like Stephens they don’t mind the inconvenience.

Stephens’ window was replaced that same day compliments of Mythbusters.

“It was fun, really fun,” Stephens said.

Now, she said she can’t wait to see the show.

Mythbusters told KCRA 3 they replaced a handful of broken windows.

There is no word on when the episode they taped there will air.

Hay guize…I got some windows that could do with some replacing that I can’t afford to have done, so if you ever want to tape an episode where you blow something up in a cornfield surrounded by more cornfield, feel free to give me a holla, okay?  (brosnanfan (at) gmail (dot) com)

I know that the video (the sound cuts out towards the end, I don’t know why, it isn’t my video, who are you to judge???) is not of the explosion mentioned in the article, but it is cool nonetheless, and it is one of my favorites…of course, featuring the exploding pen from GoldenEye.  What did you expect from me?  How long you been reading here?

That’s all I got.  And remember…please don’t try this at home.  We’re what you call experts.  I’m outta here!

No, not that kind of mercy…a little girl by the name of Mercy James, from the country of Malawi:

The youngster was taken to a luxury lodge outside Lilongwe earlier this week, in preparation for being united with the singer, according to sources.

Madonna is expected to stay in the south-east African country for a week before flying out with Mercy – bar any last-minute hitches. [...]

Mercy is being cared for by a nanny at Kumbali Lodge  -  where Madonna has stayed on her previous visits to the country. She had been living at an orphanage near Blantyre, in the south of Malawi.

Madonna had hoped to keep the fact that the child is already at the lodge a secret until leaving the country.

‘Mercy has been handed over to Madonna’s people, who are already at the lodge, and is being cared for by a nanny,’ says the source.

‘They are waiting for Madonna to arrive so mother and daughter can be united and then Madonna is expected to take Mercy with her when she leaves.’ [...]

On Monday, the singer is expected to attend a court hearing in Lilongwe to formalise the adoption after having reportedly filed adoption papers.

If the judge refuses to rubber stamp the adoption, however, it will be a severe embarrassment to Madonna, now that Mercy is in the care of her staff.

It is being said that even though the little girl is already being cared for by Madonna’s ‘people’, not everybody is as thrilled about the adoption as Madonna is:

From the start, Mercy’s surviving family have been bitterly opposed to the idea of the little girl being taken by Madonna.

Her uncle, John Ngalande, reportedly said in August last year: ‘We won’t surrender her. They told us how another Malawi kid has had his life transformed by her. I don’t want that attention. We want an ordinary life.’

Mercy was placed in an orphanage after her 18-year-old mother died five days after her birth. It was reported that her father was a schoolboy and it is not clear whether he is alive.

Madonna’s determination to adopt Mercy was said to be a major cause of conflict between her and Ritchie, who was opposed to the idea.

Last year he was said to have relented but soon afterwards the couple separated.

Which brings up another sticky point…Malawi isn’t too keen on adopting out babies to divorced people; their rationalization is that the person adopting might have been the person who caused the divorce.  I’d say in this case they seem to be pretty spot on with that one.

Despite just firing David’s nanny, Madonna is so serious about grabbing this baby that she dumped her most recent boy toy Jesus Luz because the officials in Malawi questioned the appropriateness of the 50-year-old dating a man half her age.  Hey, I question the appropriateness of Madonna every day, but that doesn’t stop her from doing stupid things that end up on this blog.  Where can I sign up for some clout?

Seriously, though, it seems that she didn’t learn anything from the adoption of little David.  And whatever happened to that whole “you have to live in the country for eighteen months before you can adopt one of our children” rule?  Well, once again, what Madonna wants Madonna gets.  After all, she’s got enough money to bend and/or outright break the rules…isn’t that what money is for, anyway?

There’s no doubt that the orphans in Malawi are suffering.  I just wonder if being plucked from there by Madonna isn’t opening them up to a different sort of pain…not comparable, but still real.

Okay, so Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend already wants to propose, but he’s gotta find just the right time…oops, did we ruin the surprise?  Don’t tell anyone, m’kay? – PopCrunch

All those tweens who are in heat over Robert Pattinson might want to bring along their air freshener, because apparently he belongs to the Orlando Bloom school of hygiene – dlisted

Remember that line in the commercial for He’s Just Not That Into You, where the woman tells you to get some ice cream and some ribs because you have been dumped?  Yeah…Jennifer Aniston just continues to live out her movies – starcasm

Courtesy of the You Knew It Was Coming Department:  Lindsay Lohan’s new movie going straight to cable – Celebuzz

So Padma Lakshmi really likes her meat.  Who are you to judge? – Cityfile

HolyUnderAge Sluts Batman!

Perhaps you remember a while back a story running in the British tabloids about a baby-faced 13-year old boy named Alfie Patten. Little Alfie was supposed to be the father of brand spanking new baby birthed by his 15-year old girlfriend Chantelle.

Possessing an unnaturally youthful face, innocent-looking Alfie became the poster child for the woes of teen pregnancy. I remember being shocked that someone who looks barely a year older than my five-year old could have not only engaged in adult activities, but was even physically mature enough to impregnate his significantly more mature girlfriend.

Well I have good news folks, Alfie’s not the daddy. Bad news, this is NOT the outcome the little guy had hoped for. Alfie had cheerfully stepped up to the plate to take on the important role of father to Maisie, the little girl he thought was his daughter. Here’s more on the tawdry and sad story:

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once, The Mirror reported.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie’s father.

The story caused a worldwide media frenzy, while politicians criticized what they called Britain’s declining morals.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby’s father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

Last month a friend of the Stedman family claimed Patten was scammed by the girl’s parents who wanted to cash in on the sensational story.

It is still not clear who the baby’s father is.

The parents of Chantelle get a capital C for CLASSY. Yep, this is what you call a smooth move by a couple of grade A asswipes. It’s not bad enough your 15-year old daughter is pregnant and so disturbingly promiscuous she doesn’t have a farkling clue WHO the father is, but you then go and compound the situation by bringing an innocent boy and the media into it simply for a little scratch.

Well Stedmans, great job, you have really outdone yourselves in the rotten douchebags department. I sure hope Alfie and his family don’t sue the hell out of you (re: I HOPE THEY SUE YOU, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS).

Alfie, take some advice from me: dry your eyes, blow your nose and cut your losses. You dodged one seriously UGLY bullet right there. Now, go outside and play some soccer or whatever it is little boys in the UK do besides having sex with sketchy older girls.

Who got this rather interesting tattoo of a gun?  Hint:  Maybe this wasn’t the right tat for her, considering her choice in fella ella ella.

Answer after the jump!

But wait, there’s more…

When I first saw this story I honestly thought it was a joke.  I mean, it had to be a joke, right?  There’s no way, right?  Sean Penn and Benicio Del Toro are Oscar-winning actors, there is no way they are coming within five hundred miles of this project, right?

MGM and the Farrelly brothers are closing in on their cast for “The Three Stooges.”

Studio has set Sean Penn to play Larry, and negotiations are underway with Jim Carrey to play Curly, with the actor already making plans to gain 40 pounds to approximate the physical dimensions of Jerome “Curly” Howard.

The studio is zeroing in on Benicio Del Toro to play Moe.

The film is not a biopic, but rather a comedy built around the antics of the three characters that Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Howard played in the Columbia Pictures shorts. [...]

The Farrellys have long had their eyes on Del Toro to play Moe. Del Toro, who’s coming off “Che,” showed comic chops in the Guy Ritchie-directed “Snatch.”

The surprise is the emergence of Carrey to play Curly. Howard established the character as a seminal physical comedian, from the first time he appeared in the first Stooges short in 1934 until he suffered a stroke on the set in 1946.

Well, if it is in Variety…  But I still expect to see Ashton Kutcher jump out from behind a craft services truck and tell everyone that they’re punk’d.

I’ll be the first one to admit that the Stooges weren’t my favorite bunch of knuckleheads, but I’d have to be pretty stupid to not acknowledge their contribution to comedy and early movies.  That being said, once again we have the powers-that-be in Hollyweird showing once more that they are incapable of coming up with new ideas.  Why remake Three Stooges stuff?  Why not watch the real thing?  Or they could do like Robert Downey Jr. did with Chaplin and make a bio.

But inquiring minds wanna know…who do they got to play Shemp?