John Mayer Confused About Why People Think He’s A Douche
There are only a handful of celebrities who annoy me enough to make me fantasize about punching them violently in the face. Spencer Pratt’s one of them, Donald Trump’s another, but John Mayer, well I don’t want to punch him in the face so much as knee him as hard as possible in the groin, destroying any chance he might have of reproducing anything that contains his DNA.
Now hear me out before you write me off for being a borderline maniac. I have good reason for my ire, and it can be summed up with this little gem from Us Magazine:
“I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t,” the singer posted on Twitter Tuesday.
Mayer has romanced Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz, among other Hollywood babes.
Mayer goes on to explain the difference between “douches,” “famewhores” and “showbiz types.”
“‘Showbiz types’ are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet,” Mayer posted on Twitter.
“Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much,” continued Mayer, who has so much to say, he once held a press conference with paparazzi after splitting from Aniston.
“So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry,” continues Mayer.
Guess what Mayer considers himself.
“I’m a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!!” Mayer added.
Au contraire, mon frère, people think you are a douche John, for the sole reason that you felt it necessary to even share the above witicisms with the world. The non-showbiz types, as you call them, don’t care about who you’ve dated, because they live in the real world, where real women, with real personalities, real lives and dare I say, real boobs, live. And despite what you think, nailing c-list chubbies like Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt does not make you some kind of renaissance man, but rather a dude with low-self esteem. And when you finally did date high-end chicks like Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz, you clearly didn’t have what it takes to keep them interested, and therefore you are making up for what you so clearly lack, by bragging about it.
You sir, Mr. Mayer, suffer from what we in the real-world call a blistering case of fucktarditis, which is a symptom of too much money and fame, and not enough talent. So, instead of worrying about what you THINK is the reason dudes (and chicks) see you as a raging d-bag, you should be worrying about how you will make ends meet once you’ve worn out your welcome and your 15-minutes are up.
Or to put it another way, since you fancy yourself as some kind of gifted musician, ask yourself what would Mick Jagger do? The answer is, nail the hotties and keep his mouth shut. You should try doing to same, though you will never be a Mick Jagger and I apologize to Mick for the comparison.
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He’s definitely on my celebrity plane crash list. The man has zero class.
Comment by Rachel — May 20, 2009 @ 4:56 pm
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