WHORE PIT VIPERS!!!

When the Apprentice first aired, I was mildly interested and watched it for a while. I liked the challenge of putting myself in the contestant’s shoes and would try to figure out my plan of assault on the tasks given by “The Donald”.  *cringe* We’ll get to him later.

I lost interest in the show, when it turned into Celebrity Apprentice. In the beginning, I thought “Oh! this will be interesting!” But eh, it wasn’t. It was more about what celebrity had the best connections or BFF’s who can contribute the most money. The celebrities were often paired with Olympic gold medal winners or sports figures, and just recently, a champion poker player. And although these people may be well know in their own circles, they didn’t possess the networking connections that some of the stars had, and so I thought the whole thing was kind of dumb. 

A perfect example was during last season’s show, when Stephen Baldwin called his bro Alec to come down and fork over a few thou for Stephen’s team. Where’s the competition and sportsmanship in that? I preferred it when the regular people had to duke it out and not be able to pick up a phone for help. It made the challenge much harder to achieve, and of course, most didn’t have the egos that these stars have — with the exception of the still un-famous (or should I say infamous) Omarosa. Ick!

“Celebrity Apprentice” turned the show into nothing more than a ”PR for the star” show, with one redeeming quality of a charity benefiting in the end from the winner.

NBC has signed “The Apprentice” for another season starting next spring, and I won’t be tuning in then either. But there one was thing that happened during this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice” which really piqued my interest. I caught a clip on E! Online of  this season’s star contestants, Melissa Rivers (who I always felt looked like the love child of Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, no offense Steven) AND her Siamese-twin mom Joan Rivers having total hissy fits.

The mother/daughter duo became incensed when Melissa was fired by the Donald. I have to admit, I find so much enjoyment out of watching a good train wreck every now and then. It always makes me feel better about me and my own family. Especially when it involves two people that already make my skin crawl.  So I watched the whole four minute clip and it was without a doubt, four minutes of some of the best  “Bitchdom” I have seen in a while.

Melissa turned into a giant BITCH BALL. (a lovely term my family uses on me when I am being…well…a bitch ball) And, not surprisingly, Joan didn’t fair any better. Now, this is going to get ugly, so if you are “Rivers” fans, you may want to leave. Buh-bye!

The mother-daughter duo from hell obviously agreed to be on the show together. Natch, because everyone knows they are welded at the hip. Initially, I was surprised Joan could tear herself away from QVC, where she is the queen of hawking her overpriced gawd-awful JUNK jewelry, sunglasses, handbags AND makeup. Every time I am flipping through the channels, there’s Joan telling Juanita in Oklahoma how stunning she will look in her “On Trend Must Have Tailored Strap Watch”.

So why would Joan agree to be on “Celebrity Apprentice” and miss those golden opportunities to whore herself on QVC?  Free promotion of course!!

Joan has a line of jewelry, appropriately titled ” Board Room Collection” to hock and what better place to hock it.  QVC ’s website shamelessly lists the air times for “Celebrity Apprentice” and you can also vote on which necklace Joan should wear on the show! I kid you not.

PA-LEASE PEOPLE GET A LIFE! 

So there’s that PR I was telling you about. After all, doesn’t everyone want to wear giant plastic hoops with rhinestones to a board meeting? (And if anyone reading this buys anything from the Board Room Collection, I want 10%  Joan…hey! it only fair! )

I remember way back when Joan and Melissa used to do the commentary from the red carpet. I unfortunately caught an episode once, and it was one of the most sickening displays of nepotism that I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.  They would trash what stars were wearing, and Melissa would be embarrassed to death by her mother’s babbling. Especially after Mumsy had a few nips.  I found it hysterical that these beeyotches had the audacity to poo poo what people were wearing, especially when they don’t have a lick of fashion sense themselves. 

Surely I am not the only one who has noticed that both of their faces have morphed into scary leprechauns with stiff smiles.  Careful ladies, don’t smile too hard, you may just pop a stitch! Joan’s doctor must be one crazy wealthy man with a swimming pool full of botox! Everybody in the pool!

I know Joan jokes about all the face lifts shes had, which IMO has definitely began as an addiction, but one more face-lift for her, and she will be sporting her “hoo-ha” as a goatee on her chin. 

The "Morphing" Begins

So, back to the hissyfits.

Upon getting canned by “the Donald,” Melissa jumped up, ran out of the board room and told the camera folks in no uncertain terms, there’d be no post-firing interviews. She stated this several times, so many in fact, it probably consituted a post-firing interview.

With all the temerity, brattiness and self-entitlement ever witnessed since MTV’s My Sweet Sixteen., Melissa was virtually this close to birthing a calf. And of course, after seeing how upset poor, wittle Melissa was, Momma Bear Joan sprung into action. Joan, in true Hollywood style, puts on her BIG FUR TRIMMED coat. *blech*  and tells celebrity contestants Jesse James and Clint Black :

“I’m NOT coming in tomorrow. You are left working with a Nazi and a follower.  Good luck!”

A Nazi huh? Exaggerate much Joan?

Hey Joan, you willingly signed up for this show to make some money for your CHARITY. Remember? What about your other teammates Joan? Melissa wasn’t even on her team!  Talk about somebody not knowing when to cut the apron strings. Egads!

Joan then adds this gem:

“Forty-three-year career! I don’t work with scum!”

Considering she worked in Hollyweird for those 43 years, I find that statement a bit incredulous. Hollywood’s just one shimmering pond of scum from what I can tell.

Melissa in the meantime, is running around like it’s the worst day of her pampered life and calls the other two gal contestants, champion poker player Annie Duke, and Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick  “whore pit vipers.” What? Whore Pit Viper?  A classic for sure!

All this fuss over getting fired from a REALITY show, which SHE agreed to be a part of.
 
Joan wags her finger and tells Annie Duke as she walks in the door,  ”You are a piece ofof shit!” And then tells Brande Roderick “and you are a stupid blonde“.   

Newsflash Joan, you have blonde hair. I thought only NON-blondes could call blondes “stupid blondes”? Well that’s my rule anyway. Not content with those zingers, Joan precedes to berate Annie with the most condescending bitchiness:

“You’re a POKER player, a POKER player! That’s beyond white trash. Your people give money with blood on it. Poker players are trash darling, TRASH”! 

Another thing JOAN, I bet all your customers over at QVC wouldn’t be too pleased to hear all this white trash talk? You know JOAN, your customers?  The ones that wear Quacker Factory fiber optic glow in the dark butterfly sweaters, (this an actual sweater they sell) and maxing out their credit cards to buy one of your $165 strawberry pins?

So careful Joan, don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Oops, too late.

Now I don’t want to get a bunch of nasty comments from “Quackers” (people who proudly wear Quacker clothing). I was just using that brand as an example.  Ah hell, I don’t care, if you have the balls to wear any of this glittery polyester mess go ahead,  bring it!

Joan’s wrath continued and THEN she had the nerve to remind Brande that it’s NOT only about the money: “I don’t want to hear anything about this charity nonsense“. 

Uh, Earth to Joan, it’s not about the money?  Will someone please cue up the show’s theme song “For The Love of Money” for this nutcase? I swear, you can’t make this crap up.

Oh and bratty Melissa, who states she is “not coming back” and ”f*ck everyone” amongst other sweet and lighthearted chatter.

It’s worth it just to see Melissa swearing and ordering people around like she is the Queen of England and hopping down the hallway to the elevator with a high heel on one foot and big foot boot on the other. Oh the hilarity!

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly despise these two women any more,  they go and prove me wrong.

Joan and Melissa must be SO proud of themselves.  Showing people on national television, that playing for a charity is not all about the money, and letting the world know that they think everyone is beneath them.  Nice career moves gals!

Joan better get the sweat shop going on some extra bee pins, and Melissa go back to whatever you were doing. What is that again?

Of course this article would not be complete, unless I mentioned The Donald. I was never a fan to say the least, and I find him to be quite over bearing, creepy and just plain all around despicable. He will EVER be forgiven for giving us Omarosa, or that wretched comb-over which always looks like it’s trying to crawl off his head.

If this is the caliber of talent and classless behavior we can expect to see on Celebrity Apprentice which is supposed to benefit charities, will anyone be sad to see this show gone? Maybe they should change the name to “The Biggest Loser” (or sore loser for that matter.)

Oh wait, scratch that, that show already exists, and those people have class!

Did you watch the Golden Globe Awards?  Yeah, I didn’t either.  Maybe I should have, since I do write for a celeb blog and all, but there was just one problem with that…I don’t care.    (Cookie to anyone who saw that coming!)

My only regret about not tuning in was that I didn’t get to see three of my favorite pieces of hawtness in the world under one roof at the same time…Hugh Laurie, Alec Baldwin, and Pierce Brosnan.  But then again, maybe that’s for the best…there’s already been one fire at my house, I don’t think my TV could have handled the heat.

Here is the list of winners, in case you’re interested.

And of course, I had to put GlossLip’s resident favorite bad boy Alec Baldwin up there…wasn’t it just a week or so ago he was complaining about NBC not putting enough umth behind 30 Rock?  And wasn’t it just a few months ago that we were in the middle of a writer’s strike that left television stranded?

Oh, for those halcyon days of yore!  Now he has Emmy Awards, and his big head will never be the same.  We loved you when, Alec, never forget that!

I didn’t watch it, but from what I have been reading on the web it was a show, and it was televised, and it happened.  So there’s your wrapup.

And the winners are:

Drama Series: “Mad Men,” AMC.

Comedy Series: “30 Rock,” NBC.

Miniseries: “John Adams,” HBO.

Made-for-TV Movie: “Recount,” HBO.

Actor, Drama: Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad,” AMC.

Actress, Drama: Glenn Close, “Damages,” FX.

Supporting Actor, Drama: Zeljko Ivanek, “Damages,” FX.

Supporting Actress, Drama: Dianne Wiest, “In Treatment,” HBO.

Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock,” NBC.

Actress, Comedy: Tina Fey, “30 Rock,” NBC.

Director, Comedy: Barry Sonenfeld, “Pushing Daisies,” ABC.

Director, Drama: Arlene Sanford,Greg Yaitanes, “House,” Fox.

Director, Miniseries or Movie: Jay Roach, “Recount,” HBO.

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Jeremy Piven, “Entourage,” HBO.

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Jean Smart, “Samantha Who?,” ABC.

Guest Actor, Drama: Glynn Turman, “In Treatment,” HBO.

Guest Actress, Cynthia Nixon, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” NBC.

Guest Actor, Comedy: Tim Conway, “30 Rock,” NBC.

Guest Actress, Comedy: Kathryn Joosten, “Desperate Housewives,” ABC.

Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Paul Giamatti, “John Adams,” HBO.

Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Laura Linney, “John Adams,” HBO.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Tom Wilkinson, “John Adams,” HBO.

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Eileen Atkins, “Cranford” (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS.

Reality Competition Program: “The Amazing Race,” CBS.

Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program: Jeff Probst, “Survivor,” CBS.

Reality Series: “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List,” Bravo.

Variety, Music or Comedy Series: “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central.

Variety, Music or Comedy Special: “Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project,” HBO.

Performance, Variety, Music or Comedy Special: Don Rickles, “Mr. Warmth,” The Don Rickles Project,” HBO.

Honorary Emmy: Tom Smothers.

Animated Program (Less Than One Hour): “The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind,” Fox.

Animated Program (One Hour or More): “Imaginationland” (South Park), Comedy Central.

To see all the winners, click here.

Good heavens, I may have to start watching 30 Rock.

Kanye had a widdlle bit of a fit and had to go sit in the corner with the popo for a while – pop on the pop

Alec, Alec, Alec…please stop doing this stuff! – Celebslam

Slash, meet Kettle – Deceiver

If there were a contest for being able to wrap your arms all the way around your body, Sienna Miller would be the champion – dlisted

I do not want anyone to make fun of my behind ever again – The Superficial

Readers of Glosslip know we love us some Alec Baldwin. Sure he’s a hot-head with a fat head, but we still love him.

As one of the only places on earth where you could find support for Mr. Baldwin after his infamous phone message to his then 11-year daughter Ireland, wherein he called her a “rude, thoughtless pig,” Glosslip once again commends Mr. Baldwin for calling it like it is.

This time, instead of wagging his finger at snippy tweens schooled in manners by crazy vindictive blonds, he’s taking swipes at the execs at NBC (his bosses for his hit show with the fabulous Tina Fey, “30 Rock”) and those crazy ass Scientology whackadoodles over at “My Name Is Earl.”

What am I talking about? Check this out from the SFGate’s Daily Dish:

Baldwin recently launched a scathing attack on NBC, criticizing TV chiefs for giving extra help to shows including “Scrubs” and “My Name Is Earl,” at the expense of his own TV comedy.

He said, “NBC hasn’t done a thing to help this show (‘30 Rock’). They’ve gone out of their way to wring the last drops out of ‘My Name Is Earl’ and ‘Scrubs.’ Those shows are done! They’re cooked! Yet they do a one-hour episode of ‘Earl.’”

And the star’s comments have infuriated “My Name Is Earl” creator Greg Garcia, who has fired back, labeling Baldwin “unlikable” and “distasteful.”

He also refers to Baldwin’s 2007 scandal over a leaked phone message to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland — in which he called the youngster a “thoughtless little pig” — insisting the incident may have effected “30 Rock’s” ratings.

He tells New York Post gossip column Page Six, “(Baldwin) sounds like a psychotic narcissist. Instead of blaming NBC, I think Alec should consider that some people in America may not want to watch a man who cusses out his own 11-year-old daughter on a phone message.

“Oh, and the reason NBC occasionally puts on an hour long episode of ‘Earl’ is because an hour of ‘Earl’ gets better ratings than an ‘Earl’ followed by a ‘30 Rock.’ It’s called math, stupid.”

So, not only did Greg Garcia (creator of the lame “My Name Is Earl”) get his Xenuroos in a bunch and call Baldwin stupid, he then brought up a touchy personal subject about him, rather than keeping the fight within the context of the two shows. That was a hit below the belt, although, the “psychotic” part may be on the money.

Anyway, Alec, not one to shy away from a fight (he’s Irish, Catholic AND from Long Island, go figure) has fired back in ways that make my loins tingle (ok TMI, sorry):

PS: My apologies to the cast and crews of My Name Is Earl and Scrubs. In my frustration with NBC’s reprehensible promotion of 30 Rock, I took an unfortunate swipe at both of those shows and that was not cool.

But, for Earl’s creator, Greg Garcia, who referred to me as a “psychotic”, I have only one question. Why are you Scientologists always rendering these medical opinions you aren’t qualified to give?

Alec makes a valid point. Scientologists do make a habit of diagnosing everyone who ISN’T a Scientologist as being a psychotic in need of a little purification rundown treatment, but to add more confusion to the matter, Garcia claims he is not a Scientologist, and does so in a way that makes you think Garcia was accused of being something really dirty and foul, like a Republican, or worse, a litterer. From Gawker:

The latest salvo in the ongoing battle between 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin and My Name is Earl creator Greg Garcia is being waged right here on Gawker. Garcia sent us his response to Baldwin’s early morning swipe, in which he goofed on Garcia for being a Scientologist. “Alec, I can’t tell you how happy I am to once again point out that you are an idiot. I’m unable to answer your question about Scientologists because, although I respect anyone’s right to their own beliefs, I am not currently nor have I ever been a Scientologist. Maybe you should have done some research that extended past the comments section of Defamer before you crafted your insult.”

“If you choose to attack me again may I suggest something witty about me creating the show Yes Dear or just simply a joke about the fact that I’m bald. Both true.

“As far as you being psychotic, anyone who thinks NBC wouldn’t do everything they could to promote a great show like 30 Rock, which they own, over a show like My Name is Earl, which they don’t, is a tad nutty.

“Good luck with the Emmys and don’t forget to tune in for the one hour season premiere of My Name is Earl September 25th.”

I asked Garcia how it was so many blogs had decided he was a Scientologist. “It started with a story in [the London] Mirror,” he said, which had pronounced him a Scientologist because several Earl cast members are Scientologists. “It amused me and, since then, it’s just become common knowledge. But I am in fact born and raised Catholic.”

Ok, so Garcia’s not an alien-fearing, thetan-blocking, niacin overdosing Scilon, but he does associate with them, and really almost as bad, considering guys like “My Name Is Earl” star Jason Lee donates a large portion of his earnings to the “Church” of Scientology, which then turns around and uses those funds to wage wars on psychiatry and legal battles against anyone who questions their cult-like activities.

Aiding and abetting fascist groups is almost as bad as being a member of one. So on that note, Alec may have had his facts wrong, but he certainly had his target right.

Hothead Alec Baldwin has not ruled out a run for governor of New York, provided he doesn’t have to speak to any tweenaged girls in the process:

“There’s other things I want to do [besides acting],” he tells Morley Safer on “60 Minutes” this Sunday. “In a matter of weeks, I’m going to be 50.” Bombastic Baldwin was thinking of running for governor two years ago before he lost his temper and left a voice mail for his daughter Ireland, then 11, calling her “a rude, thoughtless little pig.” Given a chance to apologize for calling Kim Basinger’s lawyer, Judy Bogen, a “300-pound homunculus with a face like a clenched fist,” Baldwin replied, “I was being kind, Morley.”

You know, Alec often seems to be missing that little chip that most people have in their brain that says, “Hey, perhaps you shouldn’t say that,” but sometimes that quality can be quite refreshing.  Most other actors would be backpedaling so fast that they’d get muscle cramps, but not Alec.  I’ve got to remember that insult.  Well, as soon as I find out how to pronounce “homunculus”.

My personal favorite insult is “slack-jawed mouth-breathing knuckle-dragging monosyllabic troglodyte.”  Feel free to use it, Alec.  Just not at your daughter.  (Oh stop, it’s a joke…GlossLip was one of the very few sites to stick up for the man.  I like Alec, I just don’t always like his actions.)

But Governor? Frankly, I like Alec best when he shuts up and looks cool.  But if California can have the Governator…?  Wonder if he’d rename the Governor’s Mansion “The Inner Sanctum” and be chauffeured in a cool retro taxi?  (Just keep Penelope Ann Miller away, puhleeze.)

There’s a party at Alec Baldwin’s New York pad, if the writer’s strike isn’t settled by the Golden Globes:

Barring any imminent settlement of the WGA strike, the 2007 Golden Globe Awards will be held at my apartment on the Westside of Manhattan this year. I have cleared all of this with the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The HFPA makes only one simple request and that is that you pre-order your meal selection NO LATER than Friday, January 4th, 2008.

The choices are as follows:

1) Tuna Salad, whitefish salad or egg salad (choice of one)

2) Ham, turkey, bologna, swiss cheese (choice of two)

3) Potato salad, macaroni salad, cole slaw (choice of two)

4) Pickles, relish, mustard, mayo, rye bread…all complimentary.

5) Beverages are as follows: Liter of red or white wine or 6 (six) cold bottles of Amstel (promotional) complimentary.

All other cocktails will be cash bar. (Sprite, Coke, Strawberry YooHoo and Diet Peach Snapple are complimentary)

Hmm. I’d like the whitefish salad, turkey and swiss, none of the salad choices (ick), some mayo with rye, and I’ll have a Strawberry YooHoo. Five-thirtyish? I’m so there.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Alec is hawt.  He’s the reason why I am at Glosslip. As long as he doesn’t start ranting about, well, whatever it is he likes to rant about, he’s a total dilf to me.

Actually, I shouldn’t say that I think he should just look good and not talk. I actually agree with Alec on some things. Such as the fact that his ex is a total nutter. Actually, Alec is a bit of a nutter himself. But he looks good doing it. And, by golly, that’s the really important thing…not what you say, but that you look good saying it.

David Hasselhoff’s pretty much a joke. I mean a punchline. When your biggest claim to fame is being a pop icon to a single European nation best known for its thoroughness in ethnic cleansing (sorry Germany, but history don’t lie) and bratwurst, well you should learn to embrace your humiliation.

But still, you shouldn’t expect the lowest blow to be delivered from the fruit of your own loins. Hollywood kids are even more disrespectful and shady that regular kids, and regular kids are some sneaky bastards. The Hoff and Alec Baldwin should team up and straighten some asses OUT!

On a positive note, it seems this leaked video of a sloppy drunk Hoff being hasseled by his kids was, well, his own idea. And that — is just sad.

Here’s the statement the Hoff released about the tape:

“I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that, I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work. I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, I did have a brief relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my children, who were concerned for my well-being, there was a tape made when I had a relapse to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it, and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my children. The tape made by my children was never meant to become public, but was obviously released by my estranged wife, who has her own agenda. I hope that someone else will learn form this tape, as I have.”

On a serious note, I have seen a parent in a state of “stupid drunk” on an occasion or two, and nothing is more upsetting and undignified, but never in a million, billion, gajillion years would I publicly humiliate my parent like this. Whoever released this does NOT care about this man. Not pointing fingers, just making a statement. I bet K.I.T.T had something to do with this. I never trusted that two-faced bee-yotch.

Britney’s been hitting the dance studio and getting her body back into shape, ostensibly in an effort to stage a comeback. Unfortunately that comeback wasn’t Wednesday night at L.A. club Forty Deuce.

According to a story in Starpulse, Britney was a no-show for a scheduled appearance late Wednesday. She has rehearsed with her band the M&M’s the story says, and the club’s website states:

“She came on stage during rehearsals, looking very hot, with four back-up dancers and sang three songs. They ran through the set several times, the choreography was smokin’, and she sounded great.”

It’s also reported that she will be appearing at a “handful of secret-shows lined up in LA next week.”

We shall see. Most people are eager for her to make a comeback. I’m eager for her to stay home and make some mac and cheese for the tator-tot and small-fry. Do those kids ever see her?

People are up in arms because Alec Baldwin freaks out when he can’t see or talk to his kid, and yet there’s no uproar when a mom totally drops the ball on her two children under the age of two. Where are our freaking priorities?

Alec Baldwin, apparently against the advice of his friend Rosie O’Donnell, taped a segment for “The View” that is being described as emotional and heartfelt. His desire to state his side of the story of the infamous voice mail message overcame his better judgment. He even mentioned that he was looking to get out of his contract with 30 Rock.

His ex-wife is really putting on a show, by hiring a bodyguard and making bold claims about protecting her daughter. Funny thing is, until she leaked that tape (and of course she is the one who was responsible for leaking it. period.) no one thought word one that that Alec was a threat to his daughter. I don’t believe in a million years that he is. And I don’t give a crap about Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger or their daughter. Not on a personal level anyway. That’s not to say I wish them harm or anything, but I write about celebrities, I don’t get personally invested in their lives.

But this story is much deeper than Alec’s apparent emotional breakdown. The way people have been polarized about his voice mail message and their on-high attitude about how he chooses to interact with his kids really appalls me. With all the real abuse, neglect and benign indifference that goes on in parenting now days the fact that people are essentially cheering for this guy to lose custody of his kid is shameful.

Unless you have kids, you have NO idea the level of heartache another person can inflict on you. I can almost feel a palatable desperation going on within Alec Baldwin. This guy may lose his kid and his wife DOES NOT have their child’s best interest at heart and has lost all perspective. With the exception of physically endangering, sexually abusing or causing deep emotional distress – none of which Alec has been proved to have done – children should never be separated from their parents.

This really is a very sad story and I sure hope the judge is not swayed by Ms. Basinger’s Oscar winning acting. On the surface, she may have fooled herself into thinking she is doing what’s best on behalf of her child, but deep down she’s knows this is about her, not their daughter. And that’s a really selfish thing to do.