We try not to acknowledge fame drop-out Jessica Simpson too often, it merely encourages her, and honestly, encouragement is the LAST thing she needs. But alas, sometimes Jess’ ability to draw unwanted attention to herself goes above and beyond, and even we can’t look the other way.

So, what did Jessica Simpson do besides wear that unfortunate ensemble, which also included a pair of “mom” jeans? Well, she spouted off at the mouth about her equally moronic boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, whose career has taken a nosedive since she came into his life. Like we’ve said before, Jessica is an albatross, a bad omen, a curse upon the land. Oh, and she’s now relegated to singing at chili cookoffs (to be fair, there were 30,000 people there).

First the ensemble. Jessica is a pretty girl, there’s no doubt, but she’s also what Judd Nelson as John Bender from the great film The Breakfast Club would call a “Claire.” When Claire (played by the original firecrotch, Molly Ringwald) says, “I’m not fat,” Bender explains, “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ‘em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…”

Yeah, so that describes Jessica, and I have found through empirical research that the more she blabs about her current love interest (for now, Tony Romo) the fatter she gets. Now, I have no problem if Jessica Simpson wants to be all puffy and bloated, that’s her business. But if she is going to get up on stage and sing at a chili cookoff wearing that redonkulous outfit, well then it becomes MY business.

And why is it that girls with big butts in Hollywood want to wear mom jeans anyway? In fact, when I did a Google search for “mom jeans” (I do NOT recommend doing this) this is the picture that came up. Yeah, Mischa Barton, I’m talking to you too.

As for Jessica’s lovelife blabbing (you can see where that’s gotten her, John Mayer, Nick Lachey anyone!), here’s what she’s had to say about her main man Tony Romo:

“I just told him today, ‘You’re the love of my life,’ ” she confesses in the latest cover story. “I don’t really ever say that to anybody.”

As for where the road with Romo, also 28, may take her, Simpson says, “I think any person who I’m gonna date for longer than six months, I definitely am investing in something long-term. If I get married again, then it will be the last time.”

I am so excited that I am going to see my boyfriend tonight!” the singer told a crowd of nearly 30,000 fans at Radio 99.9 Kiss Country’s annual Chili Cookoff Sunday at C. B. Smith Park in Pembroke Pines, Fla. “My boyfriend is a football player, and he takes up my Sundays and now my Mondays,” Simpson told the appreciative audience. “I am sooo happy!”

Jessica, here’s some advice for you. As a woman who has been working in the entertainment industry for at least the last ten years, I’d think you’d have figured out how this game works. Never EVER make bold proclamations about your love life, like when you said this, “After 9/11, I knew that I never ever wanted to be away from Nick ever for the rest of my life,” about your ex-husband Nick Lachey. See how that worked out? Not so good. Keep it vague, or better yet, keep it private!

To be perfectly frank, I have yet to figure out why this woman is famous. She’s not a great singer (got cut from the infamous Mickey Mouse Club, the one which spawned stars Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Ryan Gosling), her reality show (Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica) helped make her a household name, but at what cost? Not only did she end up ridiculed for not knowing the difference between chicken and tuna, the show’s meddling inference destroyed her marriage.

Jessica is like King Midas, except that everything she touches turns to caca because she’s such a nitwit. Big boobs and a pretty face are no replacement for talent. The only difference between you and Pamela Anderson is 13 years and a few STD’s. Consider this a kindness. I don’t want to hurt you, I want to stop feeling embarrassed for you.

There is no shame in quitting when your ability to fail is so apparent. Give in Jessica, get knocked up, get fat, let yourself go and finally wallow in that pit of mediocrity you know awaits you. I am not trying to be cruel, but rather giving you a way out. Trust me, this will not end well.

And Tony, as for you, this is your future buddy:

Kanye West has something new to complain about:  He has too many fans and that is preventing him from posing naked.  No, I didn’t make that up – The Superficial

JLo has a hankering for rolls at the Golden Globes - Perez

Ryan O’Neal pleads guilty to drug possession and general acting-like-a-jerkness – Popeater

Jessica Alba:  It’s a cruel, cruel summer (and the winter ain’t been too kind either) – Celebslam

Forget the uproar about gas prices and the global threat of terrorism, Obama is having trouble choosing the family pet! – PopCrunch

That’s right, kids…better safe than sorry.  Take a moment and check.  Make sure you’re protected before you venture out into the netherworld known as the Weird Wide Web or you just might pick up something really nasty:

According to McAfee, when searching for “Brad Pitt,” “Brad Pitt downloads,” or Brad Pitt wallpaper, screen savers, and pictures, Internet users experience an 18 percent chance of stumbling upon sites containing malicious code. This includes drive-by malware that can infect your PC without asking you to download anything. Such social engineering, once reserved for e-mail, is now being used to populate search results with fake sites for these personalities.

One site advertising Angelina Jolie downloads, for example, contained 978 hidden malware-infected wallpaper and photo downloads, said McAfee. A site dedicated to Jessica Alba linked to other bad sites, contained misleading offers to gather information and produced a high number of spam e-mails when an e-mail address was provided.

Or better yet…when wishing to search for Brad Pitt photos, practice abstinence.

Here’s the complete list:

1. Brad Pitt
2. Beyoncé
3. Justin Timberlake
4. Heidi Montag
5. Mariah Carey
6. Jessica Alba
7. Lindsay Lohan
8. Cameron Diaz
9. George Clooney
10. Rihanna
11. Angelina Jolie
12. Fergie
13. David Beckham
14. Katie Holmes
15. Katherine Heigl

For every light side, there is a dark side.  Just after writing about Nicole Kidman possibly deciding to give away her baby photos for free (like every other mom), I read that actress Jessica Alba gave in and decided to whore out her little brown baby for the Almighty Dollar after all:

TMZ has learned Honor Marie Warren, celebuspawn of Jessica Alba and hubby Cash Warren, is now $1.5 million richer thanks to OK! Magazine.

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Isn’t that lovely.  It just warms the heart to see people getting rich(er) off the photographs of their own flesh and blood.  I’m sure Jessica and Cash are so hurting for money that they had no choice but to pimp out their kid.

Seriously.  How many times do I have to say it?  It’s a baby, just like any other baby in the world.  Some babies may be plump and some not so much, some may have lighter skin and some have darker skin, some may have hair and some may be bald, but for the most part babies look alike.  Little wrinkly people.  Babies are cute, but what makes celeb babies more cute than anyone else’s?  Or is it just the public’s continual fascination with all things celebrity?

Jessica had better put that money in the bank.  Once she’s no longer the hot thing (you know, when the body begins to succumb to age), she’ll no longer have a career.

Jessica claimed recently they wouldn’t be selling pictures of their baby to the major print tabs, but it seems that statement was less than true. MSNBC’s the Scoop, has the scoop:

Jessica Alba, who gave birth to a girl on June 7, doesn’t seem to have plans to sell photos of little Honor Marie Warren — at least not yet. “I haven’t really gotten any (offers) — not that I’m aware of. You have to understand, everything that is written is kind of bull,” Alba told the New York Daily News.

Several magazine insiders say Alba’s claim about the offers is not true. In fact, the insiders say offers were made to Alba, that she was kept in the loop and that some talks are still in progress.

The insiders cite Us Weekly, OK! magazine and People as the weeklies most likely to score a deal. “She is part of the talks, I don’t know why she’d go out and say that,” said one insider.

Alba’s rep, Brad Cafarelli, clears up some of the confusion, saying, “While several publications have expressed interest in photos, Jessica and Cash have not entertained any specific offers, nor was it something they wished to commit to before the baby was born.”

I love Hollywood. Seriously, if it weren’t full of so many phonies, liars, cheats and sneaks my job would be a drag! Luckily, there’s something about being a detached-from-reality famewhore that makes people’s brains sort of sluggish.

I loved that last paragraph quoting Alba’s flack and how he “clears up some of the confusion,” ‘cuz you know, we’re all really stupid. Personally, if you want to sell pics of your “brown” baby to the tabs, just go for it you miserable grouch (“brown” is the term Jessica used, when she stated she hoped she’d have a brown baby and not some “white” baby, most likely because she has a horrible reputation for being less than proud of her latin heritage). It’s her kid, if she wants to profit off of it, it’s her business, but don’t go around lying about it, or trying to spin it, or worse yet, perhaps imply those who do sell pics are somehow beneath you.

Ugh, some celebs are too stupid to see how absolutely ridiculous and pathetic they come across. If I did PR for famous people (something I think I’d be great at IMHO) I’d have said, “Look, nannies, silk diapers, mink jumpers and Jaguar strollers don’t pay for themselves. If some dumbass wants to spend $3.50 to see pics of my client’s spawn, then who are we to deny them their joy. Now piss off jackass.”

See, simple, honest and direct. Just the way I like it I’m available, will work for beer.

It would seem the rumors swirling as to the exact circumstances of their meeting are heating up again, with a new twist coming forward at the hands of ex-Scientologist Mark Headley. In a post on Cleveland Leader (a pretty cool site btw) they quote Headley from a News Of The World article:

After [Tom split with Penelope Cruz], he started complaining to his best buddy David about his luck with girls. So Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise.’

“The official put out a casting call to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ But in the end no movie was made. They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses like Erica Christensen, Erica Howard and Sofia Milos. But they were all rejected.”

“Then… they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. They came up with the same plan. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn’t do a tape…

“So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

Not one bit of this surprises me considering what I have read so far in Andrew Morton’s: Tom Cruise, An Unauthorized Biography. Andrew describes Tom Cruise as a hopeless romantic who woos his ladies with flowers and expensive gifts, doting on them until the inevitable charm wears off, as it did with his first wife, Mimi Rogers and second wife, Nicole Kidman. Far from the media’s dogged pursuit of the alleged “gay scandal” which has plagued Tom since a handful of beefcake pictures surfaced in gay magazines in New York in the early 80’s, Tom is a “man’s man” and pursues his conquest with stalkery devotion until as one ex-girlfriend from his hometown in Glen Ridge, Diane Van Zoeren states, “When he was done with you, he was done with you.”.

Katie was likely swept off her feet in the same way Nicole was initially, with Tom smothering her with grand gestures of long-stemmed roses and diamond jewelry. It certainly couldn’t have hurt matters that Katie once admitted she told her siblings she would one day “marry Tom Cruise.”

What’s also interesting about this book, which I highly recommend not only for its insight into the core and essence of Tom Cruise, but also a stark and revealing look at Scientology and church leader David Miscavige, is how even-handed and well-written it is. Andrew Morton, despite the bad press the CoS tried to paint about the book, took great pains to present Tom in the most honest light, showing all of his inherent positive qualities like his aforementioned romantic spirit, love of family, hands-on parenting, drive and dedication and superior work ethic, but also the negative, which include a cruel streak a mile wide (as demonstrated with how he treats the women he’s “done with”), his blind devotion to Scientology, a hair-trigger litigious sensitivity and an obvious lack of good judgment of people’s character (ie, he is essentially BEST friends with David Miscavige despite overwhelming evidence showing DM as being a petty, angry, violent paranoid).

Tom Cruise is no doubt a complicated figure. I fear for Katie Holmes should at any point she even slightly deviate from the path of Scientology, like Nicole Kidman did. It will be the end of her fairy-tale marriage to Tom and likely, the last she will see of her precious Suri. Tom’s heart, as painted by Andrew Morton, has room for only one true love, and that is Scientology. For within the arms of the Church, Tom finds the validation, security, adoration and sense of belonging he clearly never received in any of the women, family, awards, or fan worship he was ever bestowed.

And that my friends, is where the Church of Scientology’s magnetic pull on celebrities lurks.

This is dumb as hell, but I just couldn’t resist.

Any self-respecting celebrity would ignore a tabloid magazine making false claims about them being dumped, but not that glamorous albatross Jessica Simpson. Hells No! Jessica did NOT get dumped by Tony Romo and she has sicked her lawyers all over OK! Magazine for saying otherwise.

What.Ev.Er! Everyone knows tabloid magazines make up half the crap they write anyway. They’re not in it for the journalistic integrity. Ok! Magazine doesn’t care about facts, investigative reporting, libel, slander or over-the-top B.S. They care about selling magazines. All they have to say is “sources reveal exclusively to Ok!, that such and so, did such and such.” And it’s up to the consumer of said magazine to discern what sounds reasonable and what doesn’t.

Here’s the cease and desist letter from Jess’ lawyers to Ok! Magazine.

I will spare you the legal mumbo jumbo, essentially it says Ok!’s mean, they make sh*t up, they can’t back it with any verifiable sources, and they suck. I can’t say as I disagree, but to put too fine a point on it really draws WAY more attention to a story no one cares about anyway.

So Tony didn’t dump Jessica, YET. Rest assured, at some time in the near future he will, because let’s face it, Papa Joe is an annoying, creepy, interfering celeb-pimp who uses his little girls to boost his ego and line his pockets. He’s the one Ok! should be publicly dragging through the mud, not his two goofy kids.

“At least she is older than 16.”

One can only assume this was an apparent dig at Jamie Lynn Spears, who is also pregnant, but at the ripe, old age of 16. Apparently, not all of Hollywood thinks being unmarried, under 18 and pregnant is a good thing.

Which is somewhat of a surprise considering the latest trends. It seems like every time you turn around a new celebrity is either announcing she’s pregnant (typically the young ones who are unmarried like Jessica Alba, Nicole Richie, Jamie Lynn Spears) and another one who is denying being pregnant, despite actually BEING pregnant, (oddly enough, these are the old ones who ARE married like JLo and now Nicole Kidman.)

So this makes me wonder what is in the water in Hollywood? Are they spiking it with fertility pills, or is being pregnant, bragging/denying it the new black?

Nicole Kidman is the latest to deny, then announce her pregnancy after rampant rumors swirled. Before her it was Jennifer Lopez, who in the face of the glaringly obvious, continued to deny being pregnant until of course she could no longer.

I understand the need to protect one’s privacy in a matter like this. I really do. The first trimester of any pregnancy can be tricky and many, many things can go wrong. No one wants to have to deal with a personal tragedy in a public way. The media really should respect the privacy of the newly pregnant. But no one can tell me Jennifer Lopez was still in her first trimester when she was still denying her pregnancy. She was HUGE by the time she admitted the obvious. And while Nicole and Keith must be elated about their forthcoming bundle of joy, why not just ignore the rumors until you are ready to announce your good news. There is such a thing as “no comment” or just plain pretending you don’t know what the f*ck people are talking about. I do it with nosy people all the time. “What? Huh? I can’t hear you. Ooops, I have to go, my biscuits are burning.” Or whatever. It buys you time and you don’t look like a total prevaricating charlatan when the truth does come out.

I have to tell you, while I was no Jennifer Lopez fan before she and her creepy hubby Marc Anthony lied about their pregnancy, I really couldn’t stand her after that. I mean come the hell on. You have a big huge baby belly and you are telling us you aren’t pregnant. Wait, you didn’t just say “I’m not pregnant” you made up elaborate and intricate stories about family members calling you daily with rumors and laughing them off as silly.

Making bad music is insulting enough, but treating me like I’m a moron, well that’s just rude!

Then there’s the flip side of all of this, and we have all these unmarried young women having babies. What the hell kind of impression does that send to our nation’s youth? Now, before you brand me some kind of religious fundamentalist who reads bible passages in order to make moral decisions, I am a pretty liberal, open-minded person. This however, does not mean I think having children out of wedlock is a good idea. In fact, I think it sucks and sends a very negative message to girls about what it means to be a mom.

Oh, and of course there’s the whole Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy nightmare. According to reports in the NYPost, Jamie Lynn’s season finale on her Nickelodeon tween hit show, “Zoey 101,” 7.3million viewers tuned in to the show, twice the average for the entire seasons episodes. Of course, this final episode came on the heels of her big pregnancy announcement in an exclusive interview in Ok! Magazine two weeks ago.

You can be sure, I, like many moms and dads around the country had to explain to their tween kid why Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant, when she plays a teenager on a show who is still in high school. Kids aren’t stupid, even they know that’s not normal.

I love Nickelodeon, but I am deeply disappointed with their decision to run that show, and to continue with the show next year, thankfully its last. Shameful.

I think we’ll skip “Zoey 101″ and stick with Spongebob Squarepants. I’ll take a potentially gay/asexual sponge over a promiscuous, irresponsible teen any day.

People is reporting actress Jessica Alba and her long-time boyfriend Cash Warren are due in late spring/early summer. From the article:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director’s assistant.

The couple have been seen being affectionate together in Los Angeles in recent days, shopping for mattresses last Saturday and attending a Lakers game, where they were spotted kissing Sunday.

Well, congrats to the happy couple. Welcome to the terror of parenthood. You can kiss your affectionate kissing goodbye. It’s all over but the crying and the crapping.

The second installment in the Marvel Comics Fantastic Four series is set to be released in theaters on Jun 15, The Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer.

This is the summer for blockbusters with several big movies coming out over the course of the summer including Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End set for release this Thursday, May 24th just in time for Memorial Day Weekend, Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix July 13th (the world premier is set for Jun 28th in Tokyo) and the new Fantastic Four nestled in the middle of these likely box office blockbusters.

The first FF was ok by “comic book” to “big screen” standards. It filled all the requirements of setting up the origin of how our superheroes Mr. Fantastic aka Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), The Thing aka Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis), The Human Torch aka Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and of course, The Invisible Woman aka Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) get their powers – as well as their arch-nemesis – Dr. Doom aka Dr. Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon).

A “cosmic storm” (a full blast of intense radiation – it’s Marvel, what’d you expect) is the catalyst for the genetic mutations that transform the team of scientists and pilots. The original comic series, the four of them minus Dr. Doom, attempt a risky space trip to test our Reed’s latest invention, a space exploration starship. Faced with bankruptcy after spending all his inheritance working on his aeronautical inventions, Reed made a last ditch effort and asked two pilots, the quiet and gentle Ben Grimm, and the hotshot Johnny Storm to help him pilot his craft, along with his former flame (and older sister to Johnny) genetic scientist Susan Storm to accompany him on a mission in an attempt to keep his government backing for the project (gee that sounds familiar, see Green Goblin/Harry Osborn).

As we know, the cosmic storm bombards them with radiation and instead of dying a ghastly death, they are instead transformed into supercool superheroes: with the power to stretch, there’s Mr. Fantastic, the power to be really strong and durable, The Thing, the power to fly and create supernova strength heat, Human Torch and the power to turn invisible and create otherworldly force fields, Invisible Woman.

In the film, Dr. Victor von Doom is along for the ride, as he is the financier for the project and the fiancee of Sue Storm. While Ben is taking a space walk, Reed discovers that they are encountering the cosmic cloud earlier than anticipated and he, Sue and Johnny attempt to retrieve Ben and get them all to safety behind the spaceship’s shield. Alas they fail, and they are all blasted with radiation, Ben more than anyone (which may be why he can’t change his form at will like the others) and once they return to Earth they each discover that they have acquired some strange, but very cool powers. Dr. Doom’s transformation is less benevolent (‘cuz deep down he’s a big douchebag) and despite receiving the least amount of radiation, he becomes the most powerful and is able to absorb electrical energy and shoot powerful balls of electrical death. He’s really quite an a-hole.

OK, so that brings us up to speed essentially fot the second film. Reed and Sue are back on, Ben has come to terms with his powers and is beginning a relationship with blind sculptress and friend to the FF, Alicia Masters, Johnny’s still a smartass who likes to get with the ladies and Dr. Doom has been temporarily defeated. So who’s this Silver Surfer character?

I haven’t seen the film yet, so I am not privy to the storyline in the movie, but I do know a thing or two about the Silver Surfer – and he is by far one of the most enigmatic and alluring characters in all the Marvel series of comics.

****Possible Spoiler Alert *****

Before we can discuss the Silver Surfer, we must first be introduced to another character, Galactus, for without him, the Silver Surfer would have no purpose. Galactus existed before the universe as we know it. Prior to the “big bang” the pre-universe was a coagulated grouping of “primordial stuff” that was on the edge of becoming too dense to sustain itself, and thus causing the massive explosion that began the expansion of galaxies hither and yon. It was in this time that Galactus, then Galan, lived with his race of “people” in a world beyond our comprehension. Galan attempted to save his people by escaping in a spaceship to the center of all matter, but his people began to die from radiation poisoning and their spirits all collected into one and somehow saved Galan the same fate. Galan became some sort of ethereal spirit unaffected by the radiation and was essentially blown into the expanding universe.

Sounds really nice, except as this new being took shape he became Galactus, g*d-like creature who consumed worlds, or actually planets for fuel. This brings us to the Silver Surfer (played by Doug Jones).

The Silver Surfer’s real name is Norrin Radd and he began life as a “humanoid” from a distant planet called Zenn-La. A unique being among his people, Radd was not satisfied with his world’s seemingly perfect existence. His skeptical and restless nature poised him to be the only member of his world to be prepared for the arrival of Galactus. Norrin pleaded with his planet’s highest council for the means to travel and face this planet eater and hopefully spare his precious Zenn-La the horrible fate of being robbed of all its energy. Gads, that would suck!

With this convergence of Norrin seeking to fulfill his inner quest, and Galactus’ needing to find sustainable food in an ever-expanding universe, the Silver Surfer was born. Galactus transformed Norrin into the universe exploring herald we now know and in return, Galactus spares Zenn-La.

It’s a win-win situation, Silver Surfer finds planets for our hungry Galactus and Galactus can sit back and enjoy the cosmic buffet – that is until Earth becomes the next target of Galactus.

I will try to summarize the rest in brief order. Silver Surfer shows up, Fantastic Four set out to find out what’s up. They discover that whenever this sleek metallic guy appears, shortly there after a planet dies. They plead with Silver Surfer to help them prevent this tragedy and we assume this works, tragedy avoided. Neat special effects and standard funny lines not withstanding.

Now, if they stick with the comic-book story line, Alicia Masters (remember her, she’s Ben/Thing’s blind girlfriend) is the one who does all the convincing by showing the Silver Surfer all of the Earth’s inherent beauty, and that despite some of our less worthy humans (like Paris Hilton and Joe Francis) humans as a race aren’t all bad. Deep down Silver Surfer is a noble guy doing some pretty noble work, but even he has been jaded by his galactic travels and must be convinced that Earth is worth saving.

In the end, he agrees that Earth is pretty cool and he, along with the Fantastic Four, prevent Galactus from devouring our beloved planet. But not without a price…..

It is rumored that Galactus does not “appear” in the new movie, but his character’s will be a part of the story line. Supposedly he emerges as some sort of cloud, but never materializes. This is kind of aggravating as Galactus is said to stand at almost 30 feet tall and weigh more that 18 tons. That would be a very cool image indeed.

I guess we’ll have to see how the new Fantastic Four deals with that. The first FF was admittedly a bit hokey, but the Silver Surfer storyline is actually one of the more original and interesting within the comic world. If done correctly, this could be a surprise hit. The first one did well financially, making $330,120,875 globally.

This is yet another film in our comic-book hero quest we are looking forward to seeing, with fingers crossed.