That was the question asked by Academy Awards host Ellen Degeneres who kicked Chris Rock in the ballsack last night. No, seriously she ninja-ed his berries, well metaphorically anyway. Unlike his attempts to host the Oscars last year, she was not only funny and inoffensive, but entertaining - and she knows how to rock a pantsuit. In fact the whole Academy Awards show was well-produced and fun to watch. 
It was a “Celebrate Diversity, Celebrate Your Nomination, Celebrate Your Gayness, Your Blackness and Most Definitely if you are a producer/director/exec - embrace your Jew-a -ish-ness.” Which, in light of the unhinged KKK/Nazi-fueled rhetoric we have been forced to endure this last year from the entertainment industry, it actually felt really nice. A natural progression of our time. Ellen makes a good point, without the diversity of having gay people, African-Americans and those of Jewish ancestry, we might not have a Hollywood. Or at least not a successfully marketed, soulful and well-coiffed one anyway.
In fact, I was commenting to my life partner that even five years ago, there’s no way that Melissa Etheridge would have been able to comfortably get up there, huge lesbian ass and all, and thank her wife. Yes, her wife. I was like, ‘Wow, just rub that in Isaiah Washington’s face why don’t you?’
I love Hollywood. Nothing says “We hate you middle America and your bible-thumping discriminatory ways you repressed fucks,” like a bunch of openly gay men discussing women’s fashion. I especially love Jay Manuel, he’s so gay I bet he poops rainbows and hearts. I must say, he had a lot of nerve talking smack on the red carpet dressing like he does. Crippes.
And I hope Michael Richards and Mel Gibson were choking on their hate-flakes and milk this morning as Forest Whitaker and his scary wonk eye took home the Best Actor Award. Dude is forceful, passionate and his wife is HOT! You work that creepy eye dude, you are a FREAKING WINNER!!! (I loved him in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that’s how cool, and old, I am.)
Jennifer Hudson, as the entire universe predicted, won Best Supporting Actress. As Jennifer accepted her Oscar, the camera panned to Beyonce, whose eyes were wet with tears and you just know she was thinking kind thoughts for her co-star. Things like, “you must not know ’bout me,” “I’m bootylicious,” and “Bitch, I am Beyonce! One name, you dig,” all while smiling. Now that’s what I call acting!
Helen Mirren, who won the Oscar for Best Actress portraying Queen Elizabeth in The Queen is a damned goddess. She made those other women who are half her age look like rotting zombies.
Martin Scorsese FINALLY won an Oscar, despite being ignored in the most shameful way for the last thirty years. Seriously, that’s the work of voodoo. You don’t make movies like Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Aviator, Cape Fear and not win ONE Oscar. That’s like saying Jesus didn’t perform enough miracles, so we aren’t going to call him the messiah. Unless you are Jewish, and then I guess it’s okay. The Aviator was one of the best movies I have ever seen, and The Departed was amazing. Which may explain why it won Best Picture.
Which brings me to my last point. I am totally happy that Forest Whitaker won. He’s seems really great, but what does Leonardo DiCaprio have to do to win an Oscar? Stop dating supermodels? Adopt an orphan? Go gay? He’s got the Scorsese taint on him. He’s like the greatest actor of modern times and he’ll have to wait for his award posthumously. He needs to get away from the Scors - that guy’s got bad Oscar mojo or something.
But wait, there’s more…
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