Makes you want an ice cream cone and a picnic in the park.

Makes your want to stab your ears with ice picks and punch crippled children.

 

For a person whose singing voice sent my cats into frenzied teeth-baring, claw-scratching orgies of hatred, Antonella Barba sure seemed awfully surprised to be gone last night. 

As for the American Idol judges, they seemed relieved to not have to find new ways of saying, “Wow, that was terrifying” “Do you have throat cancer?” and “Did a werewolf tear out your larnyx? No? Damn, that’s too bad!”

On a positive note, Antonella is now free to finally pursue a career in the field of her choice: porn. Will she choose hardcore or softcore? The opportunities are endless.

With Antonella Barba and the controversy of her PG-13 photos now behind us, it’s hard to say what will happen to the show.  Considering this is by far the most BORING AI season ever.  And by boring I mean, instead of turning off the tv when it comes on, we angrily shake our fists at a blank screen and summon all our strength to not leave a grumpy on the cable box. 

The first problem: the judges.  Paula is often left mouth agape, staring blankly into space or gyrating wildly on Simon’s leg like a dog in heat. Randy’s become a fat parody of himself, not even trying to reinvent new ways of saying “Dawg,” “You brought it” and “Who ate the last donut?”

I like Simon.  I just wish he would stop using the same phrase about someone’s performance reminding him of a “person singing in a lounge,” but replace lounge with “cruiseline” “country fair,” or ”carnival.”  Simon needs to stop hanging out at these places.  I don’t think the shows are up to his standards.

Ryan Seacrest is the highlight of the show.   And just saying that made my face break out.  I want to scoop him up, all 4 feet of him and put him in my pocket and carry him around to give commentary to all my daily routines. “Are you confident that you wiped your butt enough?  Or could you have used more toilet paper?” “Here’s a clip we put together of you picking out your groceries.” “Let’s give her a nice round of applause for cutting off that car and flipping the bird folks.  That was an amazing performance.”

Second problem: the contestants. There are two female contestants who are great singers - fabulous singers in fact. The rest pale in comparison in ways that make you feel sorry for them, but not enough to vote for them.  Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones are the best female singers.  I just wish they would stop acting so shocked to hear how great they are.  Smile, nod graciously and show a modicum of confidence.  False humility is really grating.  

The guys?  I can’t even remember their names except for Sanjaya Malakar and that’s only because his performance is so blindingly and consistently lackluster that it has caused a slow bleed in my frontal lobe.  He’s like scanners or something, using his skills of lameness to melt my brain.  Yet somehow, he keeps winning.  I blame those crazies at VoteForTheWorst.com - they must really hate American Idol.

Maybe, even as much as I do.

Also leaving last night besides Antonella, were Sabrina Sloan, Sundance Head and Jared Cotter. So who’s left: Blake Lewis, LaKisha Jones, Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks, Phil Stacey, Melinda Doolittle, Brandon Rogers, Gina Glocksen, Chris Richardson, Stephanie Edwards, Haley Scarnato and Sanjaya Malakar.

Tune in next week to finally find a cure for your insomnia.  Or skip it altogether and stare at this for an hour.

 

Tonight’s AI revealed something truly disturbing about Simon, Paula and Randy?  They are old farts.  Oh, and they didn’t know who the band 311 is, or as we like to call them the Chili Peppers of Omaha. Why?  Because we’re freakin’ cool. 

Could the three of them be any more out of touch?

Idol contestant and beat boxer, Blake Lewis busted out the 311 classic “All Mixed Up.”  The judges liked Blake’s performance, as did I, but not one of them had heard the song.  How is that even possible?  This was a HUGE hit like ten years ago.  Those guys are still getting residual checks for the airplay that song receives.  One has to wonder what land of bubble-gum crap these three have been living in?

That was a rhetorical question.  *Sigh*

The show is just going downhill fast. 

Good news, Ryan Seacrest knew the song and the band.  On second thought, maybe that isn’t good news.  Especially for 311.

 

According to ExtraTV she is.  Last week Antonella Barba shot back at Simon Cowell’s assertion that she wasn’t good enough to be on the show, by saying “You were wrong about Jennifer Hudson, and you are wrong about me.”  Simon’s responded by saying, “We put Jennifer Hudson on ‘American Idol.’ The American audience voted her out; I didn’t kick Jennifer Hudson out.”

Jennifer has now responded to that claim saying that Simon was never a fan of hers, even issuing a challenge during an interview, “He wasn’t [a fan]; someone should rewind the tapes.”  

And they did and discovered that Simon was actually quite complimentary, especially for being known as the “mean” judge. Simon had these things to say about Oscar winning Hudson during her time on Idol:

“You have proved why you’re in the final 12,” “That was great,” ”You’ve now put yourself in the position where you could be a frontrunner,” and “You’ve created something in this competition we’ve never had before, which is a battle of the divas.”

The only negative comment that they could attribute to Simon was found early in the competition:

“I think you’re out of your depth in this competition.”

Hardly damning by any stretch of the imagination.  In general, I think Simon is a straight shooter and while he’s a bit blunt, he’s hardly tossing hand grenades without cause.  Compared to that whack-a-doo Paula, he’s a stabilizing force necessary to give the show any credibility at all.  Which this season, it is losing fast. 

As for Jennifer Hudson, she is a prime example of what I like to call the Hollywood effect.  Take a perfectly reasonable person and put them in the spotlight, shower their asses with praise, tell them only what they want to hear and watch what happens: instant a-hole.

Should she apologize to Simon?  Who cares.  More importantly should she extract her head from anal cavity and stop being a conceited bitch?  It couldn’t hurt.

I bet Jesus hates Hollywood.

WWTDD points to this post TVGrapevine.com that a protest is scheduled for tomorrow evening’s Idol show at the Kodak Theatre. 

What’s the reason for the outrage?  I am still scratching my head on that one.  According to the post in the forum, there are some who believe a double standard exists for Season 2 idol Frenchie Davis and Season 6 idol Antonella Barba. Both were the subject of scandal regarding racy photos.  But that’s where the similarities end. Here’s what the forum post states as the reason:

Four years ago Davis was dismissed from the show for purported racy photos. But those photos, which Davis told EUR in an exclusive interview, were never seen either by the “Idol” powers that be, nor the public. On top of that she maintains her photos were of her modeling lingerie. Barbas’ are of the hardcore porn type and have actually been published and seen by the public.

First of all, I hate being put in the position of defending Antonella Barba, as she is a doofus who can’t sing.  But she didn’t star in any “hardcore” porn type activity, unless you count posing on the toilet as hardcore porn, in which case maybe those in coprology community might find themselves unduly aroused.  The worst of the photos were quickly and decisively determined to NOT be her. And the photos of her weren’t done for financial gain and were private photos leaked by a third party.  As for Frenchie’s tasteful foray into the world of lingerie modeling, the fine folks at WWTDD point to the Smoking Gun for a more insightful analysis of what Frenchie did to get kicked off of Idol:

According to a TSG source, Davis posed topless (and appeared to be masturbating) on “Daddy’s Little Girls,” a web site where “the girls have all grown up…and the boys have come to play.”

I think I’ve seen this site.  Anyway, that does not sound like “lingerie” modeling to me, anymore than the actual photos featuring Antonella Barba are “hardcore” porn.  So who’s behind this protest:

Project Islamic Hope’s Ali, who is known for his no nonsense, take no prisoners style of speaking out on current issues, will be joined at the rally by season one “Idol” Producer Tarvenia Jones, Frenchie Davis (by phone), and Belinda Foster, manager of Frenchie Davis.

So in essence, Frenchie Davis, who I like just fine but wish had better friends, some pseudo “civil rights” person, plus a couple other knucklehead mcSpazitrons will all be angrily prostesting the man, the establishment, the military industrial complex and of course, the drones running the Matrix.  Good luck with that.

And what will I be doing?  Visiting Daddy’s Little Girls, where the girls have all grown up and the boys have come out to play.

It seems the folks at VoteForTheWorst.com have uncovered the truth about the illicit photos of American Idol contestant Antonella Barba. They determined that the porn pics available across the web last week are not of Ms. Barba, but some other slut- which kind of pisses me off because it was a breath of fresh air to see an American Idol contestant who knows how to play the skinflute as well as sing. Where’s the range, people?

So all the pervs out there who were looking forward to watching the lovely Antonella blow her pipes while they imagined her blowing doing other stuff will just have to get their kicks off her PG-13 photos. The good news is that those are DEFINITELY pictures of her. Just ask her wonderful “best” friend, Amanda Coluccio, who also auditioned with Antonella for American Idol, but was cut during Hollywood week. Amanda talked to the press about the photos:

“The really bad ones aren’t her. I’ve studied them. It’s not her nose. She’s never had [acrylic nail] tips [like the woman in the photo] in her life. She’s the least slutty person I know.”

That’s totally true. When I was in school, it was the Irish girls who were the sluts. Those damn Italians were freaking prudes. And don’t even get me started on the Polish girls. In fact this whole thing is racialist. What? Do all Italian 20-something girls look alike?

Another friend from Antonella’s home town of Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Mark Dillon, had this to say about the other incriminating photos, including Antonella on the toilet:

“It’s the way this town is: Everybody knows everything about their friends. At least half the people in this town have pictures of their friends on the toilet. I’ve personally seen at least 20. It’s only because she’s on TV that they’re online.”

WTF? I don’t know about you, but Point Pleasant sounds like a place to avoid. What kind of fruity people want pictures of themselves sitting on the toilet? That’s a private moment between me, my toilet and the webcam peephole in the ceiling. It’s called privacy, people. And only if you are willing to pay $19.99 a month are you going to see pictures of me doing No.1, No.2 and No.3. Don’t know what No.3 is? Well, I guess you better get your credit card out.

The final question remaining, is how will any of this controversy affect the aspiring singer? If the past is any kind of predictor, which it isn’t, then who the hell knows? So far, her pictures on the toilet are the most interesting thing about her. Unless she’s going to drop a deuce while singing “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy,” I don’t see much hope for her singing career.

Okay, so I have done a little research on this whole “American Idol Naked Pics” thing and because I am like 200 hundred+ years old (in dog years, that is) I know some things, about some things.

First off, Antonella has shitty friends. Not, “hey let’s hang out” and then blow you off shitty, but like, “I am going to rape your mind in front of millions of people as you teeter on the edge of fame, only to watch you fall into the abyss of obscurity” shitty.

So, I offer some words of caution. Do not allow yourself to be pictured doing the following things: going potty, posing half-nude in front of memorials, hanging out half-naked with lesser attractive friends at the beach, and definitely not while giving some kind of mercy knob-washing to the stunted peen of some fat dude.

Maybe you better write it down, take notes, or put it in your blackberry- because no matter how much you think you know a person, sometimes they will screw you sideways, frontways, and up the whaazoo.

Lest you think I am judging or hating on Antonella, I am not. I realize that she is a victim of this whole “It’s All About Me” generation shit I keep blathering on about. These girls see Paris Hilton whorfing coke off some guy’s chest and bragging about getting poked in the butt for drugs, and they think “hey, I can do that too. On film, even.”

It’s not just stupid, it’s careless. Paris Hilton is a bazillionaire and doesn’t need to be famous to live like a Riviera whore, but you, on the other hand, are trying to be on American Idol- a show that is won based on what people think of you, and ostensibly, your singing talent.

If you wanted to try out for American T&A, you will have to get in line behind the other five million girls out there who are saddled with low self esteem, shitty parents, and miscontrued ideas of what it means to be famous.

So, with all that said, I have some advice for Antonella and how she should handle all this unwanted attention. And I have to assume it’s unwanted, because she sure looked bewildered when she wasn’t cut last week. I know I was.

Antonella, listen up:

Don’t be shy and don’t be embarrassed. You paid good money for those breasts and by golly you flaunt them. May I even be so bold as to suggest you wear tassels and go up there and do some kind of Dita Von Teese routine. Smile that big gummy smile and strut your stuff.

Don’t look back. There is no going back to New Joi-sey now. Your friends who leaked those pictures are ruthless bilgerats who swill gutter water. On a scale of 1 to 10, they rate a minus 30 and deserve to be ass-raped by an gang of angry Latin illegals. For reals, they suck.

Your parents can be shamed no more, so just go all out. Hold your head high and sing like a caged bird or something.

Do that whole “dance like no one is watching, sing like you can carry a tune thing.” And stand firm in the knowledge that you did an extreme kindness to some fat loser by tongue bathing his microscopic woohoo.

And above all, remember, you are already a champion in my eye.

(cue Queen’s “We are the champions”)

 

Yes, I know that’s what you came here for.  But since this is a classy establishment I don’t post naked pics. 

Or I should say I don’t own those naked pics, but I know who does…….

And if that’s too high class for you, go here already, I know these perverts have something that’ll wet your whistle.

I’ll tell you what, if homegirl doesn’t make it on American Idol, she is sure to make it in Maxim.  Or at least HugeJugs.com*

*I don’t know if that is a real website but hey, can’t hurt to google it.

Another fly tip from Dee at desicritics.org

 

Tonight begins the women’s portion of the singing competition we like to call American Idol.  It’s not really a singing competition so much as it is a popularity contest with people who can sing, but who cares. 

It’s fun, mindless and repetitive - just like television should be.

Season six’s controversy revolves around New Jersey girl Antonella Barba.   Risque photos of Barba surfaced on the web shortly after it was announced she made the final 24 cut.  The photos include Barba sitting on the toilet, flipping the bird, posing topless (hands covering her breasts) and engaging in underage drinking.  Not exactly what a potential Idol wants floating around when her fate depends on the perception and votes of others. 

Antonella, 20, first made her appearance on American Idol at the New York auditions with her best friend Amanda, who did not make it past Hollywood week.  There was also some Hollywood week controversy regarding Antonella and Amanda’s contribution to the elimination of another contestant, Baylie Brown.  Apparently Amanda, was more interested in flirting with boys than practicing with her group and when crunch time came, Baylie flubbed her lyrics despite her efforts to practice with her group.  Baylie was cut, but not before Amanda made it through and stated the reason was because ”God likes good people.”  But he apparently doesn’t like self-righteous whores, as Amanda was soon cut as well.  Ha, to the ha, ha, ha. 

Back to Antonella.  If I remember correctly she has a nice voice, but can her breast size, looks and voice get her past, well, her past.  While I am not entirely sure who posted these pics of Antonella, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one her pals, as these pics are not the work of paparazzi, but rather close pals.  I don’t know about you, but I only let very close friends take pics of me popping a squat on the crapper.

It may have been Amanda who leaked the pics.  She sounds like a really “special” person.  And when I say special, I mean someone who needs a my heel planted in their grill.

Now, all we can do is wait and see how it all plays out.  I am wondering if Ryan Seacrest will treat us to some bathroom humor to lighten things up.  Or, if that fails he can start a slap fight with Simon.  You know those two like to talk makeup and fashion in the greenroom.

UPDATE:  Antonella did the most horrible rock song ever, Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” I don’t know why anyone would ever want to cover that song, as it sucked when they did it and every version since has sucked.  But the good news according to Simon was: “You’re attractive.”  The bad news: she blew it.   She blew it and she blew it hard.  She blew it like Paris with an 8-ball, a stiff wang and a full night a head of her.  It was like the judges wanted her to suck and were relieved when she did. I will be unpleasantly surprised if she makes it through to next week.  Being pretty should NEVER be enough to win AI.  Just ask Fantasia.

Remember a few weeks back when the Courtney Love said she received a call from the producers at American Idol about possibly replacing host Paula Abdul. You don’t? Well that’s because the AI people denied it and made Courtney look like a crazy person. Which when you think about it, is both simple, yet cruel. It’s like chaining up a dog and dangling a bone just out of its reach. Sure it’s entertaining as hell, but eventually that dog’s going to get free and when she does, she’s going to down a bottle of Jack, strip naked and start humping your leg.

Well, according to this story, American Idol execs approached former Go-Go’s lead singer Belinda Carlisle a couple years back about the same thing. Sure she’s a washed up has-been who was put to pasture long ago, but she’s also a far sight more reliable than Love. Belinda said this about replacing Abdul:

“As far as American Idol goes, I was actually approached a couple of years ago about possibly replacing Paula Abdul. But to answer your question, I really don’t know. To be perfectly honest, it’s just not my thing. I’d rather listen to music that comes from a more organic place. But you know, I just … don’t know if I would or not.”

So where am I going with all of this?

What if, let’s say the AI people really did call Courtney? The timing is somewhat significant, as this all happened when Paula was being panned in the press for being an incoherent, drugged out freak. Maybe they were testing the waters to see how the public reacted to the idea. Initially people were intrigued, but quickly realized that while Paula may be a laced rainbow-sprinkled cupcake of lunacy, she’s a safer alternative to the derailed riotgrrl Courtney.

So if this theory is correct, then Courtney wasn’t just punked, she was used. And come to think of it punked and used sounds about right. Either way, I am about fifty percent convinced that Courtney Love may or may not have had a hallucination and shared it with the world.

I also think she might have been called by AI and when it didn’t get the correct vibe they bailed out, and lied to cover their asses.

Poor Courtney. Poor filthy rich, filthy Courtney.