Larry Birkhead must be feeling pretty good about things right now. As he tried to tell us all along, he was proven to be the father of Anna Nicole’s daughter, 8-month-old Dannielynn. Other than a pesky custody hearing dealing with Anna Nicole’s mother, Virgie Arthur, Larry’s life looks pretty bright, if not a bit chaotic.

And how did Mr. Birkhead celebrate his paternity battle win? By getting jiggy with the ladies of course. Page Six reports:

Our spy reports Birkhead was out at several clubs around Grand Bahama Island “in between court sessions” and was the center of the ladies’ attention. “He was having the time of his life,” our source said. “And loved the attention.”

And why shouldn’t he? He’s single, and he stands to inherit some serious cash by way of his daughter Dannielynn. Dannie, as sole heir to her mother’s dynasty, may receive a windfall of up to half a billion dollars from Anna’s late husband, billionaire J. Howard Marshall - should the epic supreme court battle end in her favor. At this point, I hope it does. If anyone is going to need that money, it’s Dannielynn. Therapy doesn’t come cheap — and apparently — neither does love.

All I ask for is that Larry doesn’t let the fame and money go to his head. The last thing he needs is to find Dannielynn’s new mom at a bar. For crying out loud Larry, please set your sights higher than you have in the past. No more “sexy” babies, ok?

UPDATE 3:47pm ET - Dr. Michael Baird announced to the assembled press outside the courtroom that he just released the DNA results to the judge. The probability of paternity is 99.9999% that Larry Birkhead is Dannielynn’s father. “Essentially he is the biological father,” said Baird.

We’ve all been waiting on pins and needles to hear the outcome of the DNA results for Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn.

Dannielynn, having just passed her 8-month mark on April 7, and has been in parental limbo for the last two months since her mother died on February 8, 2007. There are three principle figures involved in the custody battle for this baby girl: Larry Birkhead, former boyfriend and Anna’s personal photographer, Howard K. Stern Anna’s longtime lawyer and partner, and Virgie Arthur, Anna’s estranged mother.

Then there’s the money at stake. As the sole heir to the Anna Nicole Smith estate, Dannielynn could stand to inherit any future income made from the Anna Nicole Smith franchise, which now in her death, could be marketed like any other famous celebrity who dies in their prime. Anna may not have had the talents of Elvis, or the beauty and charisma of Marilyn Monroe, but she was still a force to reckon with.

Of course, what’s really at stake is nearly half-a-billion dollar inheritance that Anna and her team of lawyers were fighting for from Anna’s second husband, the deceased billionaire, J. Howard Marshall. The case is now at the federal Supreme Court level and many speculate that odds were Anna’s favor to receive a portion of that inheritance, which will continue to wage in the name of Dannielynn.

That’s a lot of scratch for a little wee one. Howard K. Stern released an “official” statement that he would not stand in the way of a custody decision is Larry Birkhead is determined to be the father of Dannielynn, but Virgie Arthur surely will.

Today’s hearing may or may not reveal the DNA results. And the DNA results in question are only to determine IF Larry Birkhead is the father. If he is NOT the father, then the situation will drag out even further, most likely between Stern and Arthur, both fighting for custody of Dannielynn. It is likely that if Birkhead is the father, then the court battle may end today, with the Bahamian courts giving full custody right away to her bio-father Larry Birkhead. If the results are inconclusive we will continue to await the final answer as to what will happen to Dannielynn.

For Danni’s sake let’s hope it ends today. I will update with information as it comes is. What we know now is that all three parties have arrived at the Bahamian court proceedings and things are under way.

Easter resurrection and deliverance may come a little late for baby-daddy in waiting, Larry Birkhead, but if paternity results are as we expect, his long awaited reunion with daughter, 6-month-old Dannielynn may be only days away.

TMZ is reporting that sources of the “unimpeachable” kind close to Howard K. Stern have stated, that if DNA tests prove Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s surviving heir, he will step aside and wage no more protests.  The source’s statement to TMZ:

But wait, there’s more…

TMZ is reporting that while the public was told a hearing to determine the paternal father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn was to happen April 3rd (today), this is NOT the case.

The sleuths at TMZ state that even though Anna’s long-time partner and lawyer Howard K. Stern lost a crucial appeal yesterday to block the DNA results in court, that we still must wait until next week to have the paternity results unveiled. From TMZ:

This means that the findings from the DNA Diagnostics Center of Fairfield, Ohio, as the New York Daily News reports, are cleared to be presented in Nassau by Dr. Michael Baird, the scientist who conducted the test. As of this morning, Baird wasn’t commenting.

But wait, there’s more…

It’s been 46 days since Anna Nicole died and we have all waited on pins and needles to find out what killed her, besides the tragic comedy of life.

The National Enquirer and Star Magazine  both reported that Anna died from of a toxic level of injected sleep medication chloral hydrate, but that merely accelerated her demise, as a deadly blood infection from an unsterilized needle was already ravaging her body.  There were reports at the time of Anna’s death that stated she was suffering from flu-like symptoms and was being treated with antibiotics and over-the-counter cold medications to treat those symptoms and a fever as high as 105.  Clearly, if this information is true, Anna was misdiagnosed.  It’s hard to say if the damage could have been undone had she received proper care.

But wait, there’s more…

It’s been a while since we visited the whole “Anna Nicole Debacle.” I would like to say it’s because there are so many exciting and interesting things going on in the land of make believe that I just couldn’t find the time, but why lie. That’s Perez Hilton’s job. Plus, like most of America I am just waiting, anxiously, to find out who is Dannielynn Hope’s real babydaddy.

While most think it’s a foregone conclusion with all signs point to Anna’s ex Larry Birkhead, it’s still possible that Anna has one more trick up her sleeve that she plans to spring on us from “the beyond.”

The good news: DNA testing has been submitted from both Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn as of yesterday, and the results should be available within the week.

The bad news: Dannielynn’s still in the custody of that sly fox Howard K. Stern, and if there’s one thing I know to be true, he’s gonna find a way to squeeze every last dollar out her undernourished body before he hands her over. I wouldn’t surprised if he’s planning some kind of Playboy spread right now. Disgusting? Ugh, yes. Entirely plausible? DUH, this is Howard K. Stern, the man who soiled the name of Howard Stern.

Two things I hope for in the final outcome: Dannielynn is handed over to her real baby-daddy Larry, and once in possession of his daughter, Larry goes over to shake Howard’s hand and at the last minute he pulls out an enormous sword and does some kind of mythical Spartan warrior move on him and Howard crumbles into a million little pieces.

Wow, that was kind of gory. I really need to lay off the Nyquil.

You know when people use that tired phrase, “I just threw up in my mouth a little” and you roll your eyes at their exaggeration.  Well be prepared to actually feel the burn of bile rising in your esophagus as you read this tale.

TMZ has a blurb about O.J. Simpson and his relationship with Anna Nicole: 

Norm Pardo, a videographer who chronicled Simpson’s movements for five years, tells Page Six that the double-murder acquittee told him that he “knew Anna Nicole pretty well,” and – prepare for gross-out – that he had “slow-moving sperm” and as a result might be the father. Actually, says Pardo, OJ doesn’t want really want his possible paternity exposed, because, he says, “I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money – or the baby herself.” Simpson and Smith appeared together in “Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.”

Norm Pardo is g*ddamned liar, that movie was made in 1994 and I don’t think any sperm is that slow, not even a serial killer like OJ Simpson’s.

Can’t this damn woman get some peace?  That said, you know that OJ Simpson would hit that.  Seriously, he would fly to the Bahamas, dig up Anna’s body and hit it.  With a machete.

The Queen of Drama and Intrigue leaves us today.

Anna Nicole Smith’s service and burial ceremony is set to take place in the Bahamas in the grandest of fashions. With a guest list of 300 people, it is said to be a private, but lavish affair bathed in pink, Anna’s favorite color. Country singer Joe Nichols will be performing “I’ll Wait For You” and “On The Wings Of A Dove” as requested by her partner and lawyer, Howard K. Stern. The ceremony is said to be closed casket, which in light of the length of time since her death, is a good thing. Sadly, this means we won’t be able to see the pink dress designed by Pol Atteu and his partner Patrik Simpson, close friends of Anna, who have designed several dresses for the former Playboy model and Trimspa spokesperson.

Pink flowers, pink dress - or - in other words, a hot pink mess of tackiness, just the way Anna would have wanted it.

The coordinator for the ceremony allowed each of Anna’s closest of kin to invite 100 guests to celebrate the life of one of the more colorful celebrities in modern history. Determining that guest list lay on the shoulders of the now famous trifecta, which includes, Virgie Arthur, Anna’s estranged mother, Larry Birkhead, Anna’s most recent and prominent lover and heir apparent to Anna’s baby Dannielynn, and last, but certainly not least, Anna’s confidant, lawyer, Svengali, pimp and supreme glommer on, Howard K. Stern.

But wait, there’s more…

John Travolta, or as I like to call him “El Bloato” has chimed in on the Anna Nicole debacle by stating that Scientology could have cured Anna of her drug-addiction demons- which is iron-clad proof he is a full-time moron. Anna Nicole was the most addicted human being on the face of the planet.

I have not once seen video footage of her where she didn’t sound like a drunken mongoloid. I am not suggesting Anna wasn’t an eloquent, articulate and highly-educated person, of course she was. I am just saying that her brain was soaked in battery acid and her speech functions were limited- on camera at least. Maybe she was an adjunct professor of literature somewhere and I have just never heard about it.

More to the point, Scientology is to Hollywood what Osama Bin Laden is to terrorism- and by that I mean, well, actually come to think of it, I don’t really know what I mean. Scientology bad.

Here’s Travolta’s quote:

“It’s so sad.We could have helped her with Narconon but didn’t get a chance to. I wish we had.”

That’s ridiculous. Steel fencing, razor-wire, rabid dogs and blazing demons couldn’t have kept Anna away from her happy pills. She lived to get high, and you know what, I don’t blame her. If I were surrounded by as many leeches, bloodsuckers and vampires as she was I would have bathed myself in red wine and sucked on the teet of Grey Goose.

Narconon, which sounds like a place for snitches and rat-fink bastards, is a front for stealing people’s money- like all of Scientology. Do I sound bitter? Well, yes, but if evil minions of Xenu hadn’t abducted me and forced me to make love to dozens of sweaty, muscular men I might be a Fulbright scholar today.

Plus, it obviously hasn’t cured John Travolta of his raging case of GAY yet. And until they do, I will continue to wage my one woman war against the forces of darkness and their sex enslavement.

Yep, that’s the story I am going with.

Final word has been given on where Anna Nicole Smith’s body will be laid to rest.  Despite initially agreeing with the original ruling handed down by Judge Seidlin in a Florida courtroom, Anna’s mother, Virgie Arthur, later appealed the decision, further extending the inevitable. 

But today, the Florida appeals courts announced they would uphold Judge Seidlin’s decision to award custody to Dannielynn’s guardian Richard Milstein, and most likely she will be buried in the Bahamas.  Arthur, wanted the body buried in her home state of Texas, and everyone else involved in the case wanted her to be buried with her son Daniel in the Bahamas.

And what does Anna want?  To carry on as Trimspa spokeszombie. She also requested a vicodine sandwich with a methadone chaser.

And if you think I am depraved, well you are right.  But I would still have to sink a little bit lower in order to meet the standards of the National Enquirer which ran a picture of a re-created dead Anna Nicole Smith, with the classy headline Anna Nicole: The Last Photo!

Radar Online has the photos and details. The article states that the photo re-creations were ‘based on eyewitness accounts’ and the NE editor-in-chief David Perel proudly states, “If you had our images side-by-side with the actual photos, I don’t know if you’d be able to tell them apart.”

I think she looks at peace.  They did a nice job.  A nice disgraceful job.  I wonder if they are hiring.