Judge Larry Seidlin reached a decision in the Anna Nicole Smith hearing to determine who would decide the final resting place of Anna’s body.  Dannielynn’s court appointed guardian Richard Milstein was awarded the right to dispose on where to bury Anna, and he, along with Anna’s mother Virgie Arthur, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead all decided she would be buried with her son Daniel in the Bahamas. 

Surely we are all glad to see some closure on the first chapter in this epic saga of fame gone wrong.  Judge Seidlin, who was crying as he read gave his decision, cautioned the two potential father’s Birkhead and Stern that they should make haste in the DNA proceedings. 

And as for me, I just want to know where this clown Seidlin came from.  What judge cries and holds hands with the court clerk while reading a verdict?  Man up, you freaking pansy.

 

Have you ever seen two filthy dogs fight over table scraps? Ugly feral dogs, the kind of dogs with the mange and who have open sores from scratching at their fleas for too long. That’s how I picture Virgie Arthur, Anna’s mother, and Howard K. Stern, her lawyer/lover as they lie, cheat and steal their way to Anna’s money.

As the court proceedings continue in Broward County, Florida, we are still awaiting a final decision on who gets Anna’s body, who is Dannielynn Hope’s daddy and who will benefit the most from Anna’s death. 

So many various stories have emerged since Anna died two weeks ago. I really can’t make heads or tails of it, but I will do my best to enlighten everyone to the most pertinent details.

Virgie Arthur is a money-grubber who was HATED by her daughter in life and will probably be visited by her three times on Christmas eve in death.  Video is set to be shown on Entertainment Tonight  released by Howard K. which shows Anna stating in no uncertain terms that Virgie was horrible to her and is quoted as saying this about her mother:

“You want to hear all the things she did to me? You want to hear all the things she let my father do to me, or my brother do to me? Or my sister? All the beatings and the whippin’s and the rape? That’s my mother. That’s my mom!”

There is also some controversy as to whether Virgie received a $12,000 payment from Splash Online for photos and video footage of Anna that have been released to the public.  Splash will neither confirm nor deny whether such an exchange between the two parties was made.

Howard K. Stern is crying like a baby on the stand about how “Anna was obsessed with death” and how Anna wanted to “crawl in the casket” with her dead son Daniel and therefore her body should be buried in the Bahamas like Daniel and that he’s being “accused of murdering Anna” and all he wanted to do “was love her.”  He’s also being accused of standing to make millions off the death of Anna Nicole, to which everyone’s collective response was “No shit!”

Larry Birkhead, the only seemingly decent one in all of this (and by decent I mean he hasn’t been accused of raping Anna’s dead corpse - yet) just wants to know if he’s Dannielynn’s baby-daddy, because to be honest, that’s where the real pot of gold lays, or lies.  You know what I am saying. 

Judge Larry Siedlin has implied that a decision will be made by Friday, as Anna’s body is starting to “deteriorate” and really, that’s enough of that.

And that’s your Anna Nicole five-minute update.  I will let you know when Anna’s body is announced missing and the National Guard is called in because of some zombie sightings in southern Florida. 

Don’t laugh, because you know that’s next.

The above is video footage of Anna Nicole having some sort of Jim Morrisonesqe moment.  The video, filmed by the increasingly twisted Howard K. Stern, features a reportedly 8-months pregnant Anna Nicole who has clearly stepped through the doors of perception and entered a new dimension - which is exactly the kind of thing we would expect from Anna Nicole.  In fact, if this video footage had not been released I would have questioned the very existence of the space clown continuum.

But lest we judge Anna too harshly, I have a confession to make, I too dress in clown makeup and take strolls with plastic baby dolls in my house with my eyes lolling around in the back of my skull.  It’s what we call “Mommy forgot to take her meds again” - and it usually ends up with a call to the po-po and some burly men in a van taking me to the home of eternal respite.

See, no biggie.

AM I SEXY OR WHAT?

Hold on to your hat folks, ‘cuz I’m about to blow yo’ mind. The latest in the ongoing Anna Nicole Smith roundtable of outrageous claims comes from legal documents filed by the deceased star’s former nanny to TMZ. And the claims aren’t just outrageous, they are f*cking otherworldly insane. Like Jim Jones-Koolaid crazy. Like Michael Jackson Neverland-crazy. Like the craziest nonsense you’ve ever read in your entire life. So crazy in fact, that if half these claims are true, Anna’s death may have been the single greatest event in human history.

I am NOT responsible if your whole brain explodes after reading this.
But wait, there’s more…

 

It seems we have a fourth suitor claiming that HE could be five-month-old Dannielynn Hope Smith’s daddy.  

The latest sperminator in the Anna Nicole Smith baby-daddy pool is Alexander Denk, Anna’s ex-bodyguard.  Denk first came into Anna’s life when he was “cast” as the chef on “The Anna Nicole Show.”  Mr. Denk spoke with ExtraTV about his time with Anna.  For the two years he worked for the TrimSpa spokesperson, they carried on a “passionate love affair.” 

But wait, there’s more…

Okay, maybe it’s a stretch to assume that Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer/hanger-on Howard K. Stern is confessing in this latest taped interview for ET. Reports state the Stern stands to earn more than a million dollars for a series of interviews he will be giving Entertainment Tonight - all set to air over the next week. Because why should the tacky and tawdry drama end with Anna’s death?

But wait, there’s more…

The fact that I just wrote that title signals the end of days.  How far have we sunk as a society when a person’s refrigerated consumables are plastered all over the internet?  HOW FAR I ASK YOU!!!

Clearly, from the verified and documented photo, we now know the following things about Anna Nicole Smith:

*She was a health nut. Slimfast is the most nutritious stuff on earth.  Heck, my kids live on the stuff and look at them.  All forty-two inches and six pounds of them.

*Anna had sophisticated taste in condiments.  Only high-class people use French’s Worcestershire sauce and spray butter to season their methadone.

*Anna was the pinnacle of temperance. What’s that, about one quart of methadone?  I didn’t even know they made them in sizes that small. 

These photos were taken of Anna’s bedroom refrigerator from her home in the Bahamas.

Honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about, on any given day you could find a gallon of cheap vodka, an empty pizza box and a pre-mixed Molotov cocktail in my fridge.  And that’s what I like to call “breakfast.”

E! is showing the Anna Nicole autopsy press conference being held in Miami. According to the doctors who performed the autopsy, the preliminary results on these tests and procedures have proved inconclusive as to the exact cause of death.

They were able to exclude physical trauma as a cause of death, but it was revealed that Anna had a bruise on her back that the coroner was told resulted from a fall in the bathroom a few days earlier.

But wait, there’s more…

Would someone please get Jerry Springer on the horn, because we have a third party in the paternity battle for Anna Nicole’s five-month-old daughter Dannielynn: Frederic Prinz Von Anhalt the current husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

But wait, there’s more…

As the barely cold body of Anna Nicole Smith is being eviscerated, more information emerges about the possible causes of her death. CNN is reporting that large volumes of prescription medications in the name of Anna’s lawyer, Howard K. Stern were confiscated as evidence from Anna’s hotel room, also found were over-the-counter medications for treating cold and flu symptoms. The CNN correspondent did state that while unusual, at times, doctors will prescribed medications for celebrities in the name of another to avoid tabloid flare-ups.

But wait, there’s more…