Avril Poses For Charm School Award

Yeah, I know, it’s bad karma to engage in schadenfreude, but sometimes, a person’s own karmic ballsiness balances out the joy in wishing them misery.

Avril Lavigne is just that sort of person. Avril’s vile, snotty, bratty, narcissistic, anti-social and worst of all, possesses a very limited supply of talent. A talent mind you, which she has chosen to waste on poorly crafted fake-punk songs. Kind of offends me actually, as I grew up when punk was born and the spirit of punk is essentially the antithesis of Avril Lavigne.

Ahh, but I digress. Let’s get to the fun part. Multiple reports are coming out in the tabloids after the story first broke in the National Enquirer, that while Avril was performing a show in China, her hubby of 2 years, fellow pseudo-punker Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) is out with the ladies. Here’s more from the Daily Dish:

According to the National Enquirer the pair — who wed in 2006 — has been troubled since Lavigne embarked on her world tour earlier this year, often leaving the couple thousands of miles apart.

A source tells the magazine Lavigne and Whibley “have been growing apart for months,” adding, “Deryck isn’t motivated in his own career, so he’s been drinking and partying.”

Rumors of their split were fueled when Whibley was reportedly seen at an event at a Los Angeles nightclub “huddled at a private table” and holding the hand of an unknown woman.

As WENN went to press a spokesperson for Lavigne and Whibley had not returned requests for comment.

So another one may or may not bite the dust. I have to say this is no tragic loss. Avril’s self-absorbed behavior must be grating even to other self-absorbed people. It was simply a matter of time. As for that comment from Lavigne and Whibley, chances are it would be in the form of a loogie anyway. Hey WENN, count yourself lucky you DIDN’T hear back from them.

 

Faced with slow ticket sales and not much interest in her concerts, Avril Lavigne held a press conference to try to get people to pay attention to the fact that yes, as of March 5 she is going on tour:

More energy and her biggest stage show ever is what Avril Lavigne is promising on her upcoming two-month-long “The Best Damn Tour,” which kicks off March 5 in Victoria, Canada.

“My inspiration for this record, a lot of it came from the live show and knowing what kind of songs I wanted to play live,” Lavigne told reporters today (Feb. 11) during a teleconference. “I wanted to play fast, fun songs. I love playing songs like ‘Sk8er Boi’ onstage because the crowd just reacts, and I love it when everyone is freaking out and jumping.

“My last record, ‘Under My Skin,’ was pretty mid-tempo and darker, so every song was like bri

Hey, wanna ride bikes?

Happy Birthday to Avril Lavigne!!

The world’s most humble and beautiful singer celebrated her 23rd birthday with an outing in L.A. at Koi, and she and some girlfriends played peek-a-boo with the paps.

Fame really suits some people, and Avril is the epitome of grace. Salt of the earth is she. Listening to her laugh is like experiencing the flight of a 1,000 doves while simultaneously hearing the cathedral bells chime as we envision another angel earning her wings.

So, here’s to you Avril. Happy Birthday you useless whore.

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Avril Lavigne gave a fabulous interview to the UK’s Q Magazine and Us Magazine shared some highlights. She was very open, refreshingly honest and shared some tremendous insight on her inner machinations.

In a list called “Avril’s Ten Commandments” she runs down through ten things we should all admire about her, least of which is her giving spirit. Enjoy!

On her generosity:
“I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ‘workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money’.

Wow, where do I begin my dissection? Hey Avril, how about instead of sending them your filthy, hideous clothes, you send them some money. You know something useful. What makes you think mothers and babies who are starving and dehydrated want with your skull-infested attire? Your cranium is completely filled with rancid air isn’t it? Also, giving “stuff” to your ‘workers” ? How magnanimous. Maybe if you’d give them some money they wouldn’t be in the “they don’t make much money” category, you unrelenting whore.

On dealing with her incredible success:
“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things. I can’t walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won’t get hassled. But that’s OK. I was born to do this, and so I’ve learned how to cope.”

Hey C-rag, if it hasn’t affected you, how come you need to mention the number of records you sold? And btw, people turn their heads to look at you because they are disgusted that someone so annoying is allowed to dine in an establishment for humans. Pig troughs are outside skank. There’s something else your were born to do also: kiss my ass. So how about you starting living up to your birthright!

On her competition:
“Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I’m tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It’s good if you’re not easily ignored. And I’m not.”

Say what you want about Kelly Clarkson, but she hasn’t bent to the will of the music industry, unlike your fake, cheap, tired ass. What was all that crap you used to spout about wanting to make music, and not caring about being some kind of sex symbol? My real “faux leather purse” is more genuine than you or your rhetoric. And yes, you are easily ignored, except when I have some angst to release, for which you are most useful, you diseased tramp.

And last but not least…

On her polarizing personality:
“People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.

Well, I do hate you and whether or not I am a loser is of no consequence. What matters is you are a grating, arrogant, snotty, skeevy, fork-tongued brat who desperately needs to have a large patch of her hair snatch off the top of her head…and I am just the loser to do it.

 

Avril Lavigne is on the latest cover of Blender Magazine, which as it turns out, is not in fact a torture device which she will be fed to, but instead a music mag.  Why is she on the cover of a music magazine you ask?  Beats me, because what she makes isn’t music, but something I like to call: a steaming pile of excrement. 

I am assuming that the “hell yeah, I’m hot” quote came directly from Avril herself.  She is well known for her self-deprecating charm and quiet modesty.  She’s also known for being a raging b*tch who bleats and barks like a like a caged wolverine, which could be hot, but in her case is really annoying and makes you want to light it on fire to put it out of its misery.

While I am not privvy to the contents of the article (THANK YOU LORD) I did find this ridiculous blurb in Blender’s Editor’s Picks section for May 20, by none other than their senior Editor Mike Errico:

“Avril Lavigne, “Girlfriend”
Resolved: There is no such thing as a “Guilty Pleasure.” You either like something or you don’t. Does this song have substance, weight … importance? Will generations huddle for warmth around a postapocalyptic trash fire humming “Girlfriend,” wistful for the promise of a generation choked to near-extinction by their own political and environmental policy decisions? Oh, shut it. You won’t ruin Avril for me. Not this week, anyway.”

Talk about some feint praise.  So, what this tells me is that Mr. Errico was forced to say something vaguely nice about Avril as she graces their cover, this also means Mr. Errico is a shell of a man willing to sell his soul for money, and from this day forward anything he endorses is to be treated like the ramblings of an idiot — oh he is also touched in the head.

Avril fans, her new album is shallow, immature and unlistenable.  You want some female angst rock, do yourself a favor, burn your Avril and listen to Liz Phair’s Exile In Guyville.

 

Sometimes I like to be surprised, I even occasionally like to be proven wrong.

I write about celebrities because they are cultural touchstones who influence us in our everyday lives.  Whether it be through passionate on-screen performances, brilliant lyrics, an otherworldly beauty emanating through their voices or sheer ethereal light shining from their core - celebrities matter because it is we who make or break them.

So with a hopeful heart, I waited patiently through last night’s mostly unfunny Saturday Night Live skits to see if musical guest Avril Lavigne could shine through her vacuous interviews and painfully self-absorbed remarks – and deliver her pop-punk sound with conviction.

Sadly, I wasn’t just disappointed with her performance - I was disgusted.  Avril’s performance, though technically accurate, was contemptuous.  She showed contempt for the audience and worst yet, her own music.  One might expect this from an artist who has been shoved into a genre or a style that doesn’t suit them.  But Avril, as she will tell you, is her own person. She writes her own lyrics, creates her own style and even helped to craft her own sub-genre of angsty pop-punker, who just so happens to also sing ballads.  In any other case, I would respect a person who was capable of that much creativity.  But Avril doesn’t deserve my respect.  She is a shell of who she claims to be, a shallow outward personification of cool, with little or no substance below.

Music of her sort needs to come from a place that bubbles up from within.  A source of energy, excitement, anger and desire.  Avril’s performance last night, and any previous interviews I have either read or watched present an entirely different person. At 22, Avril Lavigne is hollow on the inside.

The first song Avril sang was her new single “Girlfriend” a very up-tempo, frenetically-paced pop song, complete with all the infused elements of punk we are supposed to notice: anthemic chants, affected stances and in-your-face lyrics.  But Avril seemed bored, disingenuous and uncommitted.  She seemed to genuinely think her music was for sh*t and she was too good to have to sing it. 

To be honest, it is for sh*t, but most pop music is.  What makes most pop music palatable is the conviction and energy the artist puts in it.

I am NOT a music snob.  I will listen to most anything that’s done well.  Avril’s new album may have been executed with great proficiency, but it lacks the commitment of the artist to make it believable.

Ironically, the second and last song Avril performed from her new album, The Best Damn Thing (dropping April 17), last night was “I Can Do Better,” and in fact, it was not. 

If Avril wants us to ‘buy into’ her image, it would be helpful if she bought into it first. 

People magazine has little audio clip of Avril Lavigne talking about her wedding last summer to Sum 41 singer Deryck Wembley.  Avril, in her inimitable faux-rocker style, gives us some insight into her thought process for creating the wedding of her dreams: 

“A big part of me was like, I should do something cool with my wedding dress but it’s my frigging wedding day, I wanted everything to be classic.  So the ceremony was very classic and the reception was very rock ‘n’ roll goth with a big red tent, red table cloths and chairs, red roses and chandeliers hanging, the ceremony was very traditional which I like. People thought I would have done, like, some black wedding dress, and yeah, I would have. But at the same time I was thinking about our pictures. … I didn’t want to be, like, 20 years later, ‘Oh, why did I wear my hair like that? It’s not cool now.’ “

Avril also talks about other fashion choices she’s made over the years, including a unique dress she wore to the 2004 World Music Awards:

“This is the first dress I wore in my entire career.  It had skulls all over it and stripes, and it’s like totally me.”

Who says “like totally” anymore?  Lavigne, 22 has been trying exceptionally hard to promote her new album, The Best Damn Thing, which will be released April 17.  I can’t wait for that day.  I get to pay my taxes.

Avril, who is “like totally”objective and has the mature wisdom of an aged oracle, offers some deep insight about Britney Spears.  People quotes Avril on why she’s nothing like the embattled pop sensation:

“None of what’s happened to Britney will ever happen to me.What happened to Britney is all down to who she is as a person. If you want a piece of this business you have to be able to deal with it. You can’t complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness. Because that is the job. I’ve always understood that’s the deal. I love to go out to clubs, get drunk and party. I drink dirty martinis, red wine, limoncellos and go to places like Hyde, get up on the tables and let totally loose. But no one really gets to know about it. It’s just me and my friends and whoever is in the clubs. My friends and I all drink like crazy but none of us do drugs because you just get into trouble. If you get drunk you have a hangover and you have to deal with it. If you do drugs it messes with your head.”

Avril feels very good about where she is right now, and who she’s become:

“I’m 22, so I’m all grown-up. It feels natural for me to be like this now. I’m very comfortable with how I look. I always have been. I think I look pretty good. There’s nothing I want to change. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got.”

Avril should be happy, she an her husband just purchased a $9.5 million dollar mansion, with 10 bathrooms.  And to add to her rock cred, the house was once owned by Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker and on-again/off-again wife Shanna Moakler. Let’s face it, Blink 182 is as hard core as they come.  It’s like owning Keith Richards house. Just Like It.  Lastly, Avril brags about the impact she’s had on her husband Whimbley, 27, and their near perfect marriage and why she never worries about him straying while on the road:

“I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. We have a really good, strong relationship. There’s a lot of trust. He doesn’t do drugs. Clearly, he used to, because he talked about it, but I wouldn’t be with someone who did, and I made that very clear to him when we first started dating.”

Sometimes you have to dig deep to find quotes that show what really lay inside of a celebrity.  But in this case, the smugness and hubris was all right there in little quotation marks. 

Avril, you sure are a big-big girl now.

Avril Lavigne isn’t fooling anyone with her half-hearted attempt to take potshots a Britney Spears. 

Avril, barely a footnote in the pop music annals, has recently been using Britney Spears’ rehab troubles to make a name for herself and her flagging record sales (her new single “Girlfriend” can’t even be found on the Billboard charts).  In an interview for Sun (UK) Magazine, Avril had these nasty things to say about fellow pop-singer and hugely popular celebrity Britney Spears:

“What’s happened to Britney is all down to who she is as a person. If you want a piece of this business, you have to be able to deal with it. You can’t complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness, because that’s the job.”

That’s a rich piece of tapestry coming from a young lass who was recently dealt a PR blow by spitting in the face of photographers and signing “F*ck You” to autograph-seeking fans.  Avril was later forced to give a half-assed apology - ostensibly to her fans - for the spitting, as it became evident that no one was buying her “tough chick” angst anymore.  Even more ironic, she had the nerve to imply that Britney couldn’t handle her liquor, unlike Avril who states that while she also drinks “no one really gets to know” [about it] - ‘cuz you know, Avril’s so damn discreet.
But wait, there’s more…

Poseur punker Avril Lavigne, seen performing at Captiol FM Concert in Scala, is showing why she was voted most likely to be eaten by wolves in her high school class. Apparently, the sound of Avril’s voice caused quite a stir in neighboring forests back in her native country of Canada. Wolves would often be seen teeth-bared, steam rising from their angry, gaping jaws, crouched on their hind quarters waiting to rip and tear at the throat of Avril each time the horrifying screech left her larynx. What an amazing phenomena.

I hear that’s why she was kicked out of the country. I wonder if the coyotes in the hills and valleys of Hollywood have the same reaction? Gosh, I sure hope so.

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