I’ll take Johnny Depp please!
Is that the way the clients of California Cryobank sperm bank order their baby makers?

Apparently the California Cryobank has come up with the idea of matching up their sperm donors with famous celebrity faces. Are they genius entrepreneurs helping their clients make a tough decision of who they should pick as their baby daddy? Or are they just trying to make more money than other sperm banks by claiming their donors are celebrity look alikes? Or both?

How does this sperm bank match their donor’s faces with celebrities? With high tech face-recognition? Nope!
Employees of Cryobank sit around a table and put the donor’s pictures up on a screen and argue which celebrity looks like that donor the most. When they come to a consensus, they add that information to the donor’s file, and then the donor’s name goes into a huge data bank. Clients can then search the data base for a donor by which celebrity they want their child to look like.

Although clients are not allowed to see the donor’s ACTUAL picture by law, clients can  search for a potential donor by picking out a celebrity name.

Too superficial?
How will the general public weigh in on this?

I wonder if someone will pass up a donor with a better IQ, for a donor that looks like Mario Lopez? I also wonder if people out there will pick a celebrity look alike in hopes on trying to cash in on their offspring down the line, especially if their child ends up as a dead ringer of a celebrity.

Hey Kate Gosselin, this has your name all over it! Only eight kids? What’s the big deal? The Duggars have you beat by a landslide! It can be your new show! “Kate Plus Eight Plus Elvis!”
And remember Kate, there is a plus side besides the new show…which ever donor you pick… he can’t take money out of your bank account! 

Now I have seen just about every way there is to make a buck in the ol’ USA, and a lot of it ain’t too pretty. And there are some wackos out there who may try to claim that their child is the child of an actual celebrity. I wouldn’t put it past them. Far fetched? Perhaps.

But take the case  of a women trying to collect millions from Keanu Reeves. She is claiming that he is the father of at least one of her four adult children.  *snicker*
Even though Reeves took a DNA test to prove that he wasn’t the father, and he also said he never met the women, she still isn’t backing off. 
What did Reeves have to say about this whole ordeal? 
Rest assured, he didn’t say, ”eeeeeexcellent!” *snicker*

Of course Cryobank does have a disclaimer to cover their butts in this overly litigious world:

“No celebrity is meant as an exact match for any donor, nor should you assume that your future children will look like any celebrity listed.”

NBC’s Today Show covered the sperm bank story, and on this video, you can see the employees sitting around a table with the donor’s picture on a screen and trying to figure out who the donors most resemble. Man, where do I sign up for this cream puff gig?

Scott Brown, communication manager of the California Cryobank said to NBC TODAY,

“It’s not that our donors look like celebrities, it’s that celebrities look like our donors,”

Oh! I see what he did there…. he is SO crafty!

You can also pick a young or older version of the celebrity too. Perhaps you would like a young Sean Connery as OO7, or the older more sophisticated Sean Connery. The choice is yours!

There are MANY stars as well as athletes listed in their data base. And let’s not forget musicians and the less than famous celebs. You can pick from Eddie Van Halen to Jackass reality star Stev-O!
I kid you not, he is on the list.
Wow, seriously…if anyone picks the Steve-O look alike, I am afraid I just don’t understand, unless he is a nuclear physicist.

 
So are there people out there opposed to this celebrity look alike baby daddy factory? YES.

Some snippets from NBC’s TODAY,

The program has its share of critics, especially in the bioethics world. University of Albany professor Bonnie Steinbock bashed California Cryobank’s celebrity-match program on CNN, saying, “There’s something strange about a culture that has stratified rigid types of beauty where everyone looks alike; now they’re trying to create children through who the actor of the moment is.”

Brown’s defense:

Not so, says Brown. While the process may seem superficial, it is actually extremely helpful in guiding prospective parents through a stressful and often confusing time, he asserts.

“Seem superficial”?
Some people would argue that it is superficial. But don’t people have the right to choose which donor they want for whatever reason, since they are the ones paying for it? And what if it does help the client make their choice?

Take the opinion of a perspective Mom who was trying to pick a donor:

“I’m flipping through the catalog with a friend of mine, feeling like I was about to recruit a basketball team, because it was just all stats.” And while she whittled down her list, the Cryobank couldn’t show her a picture of the donor — but it could tell her one of her finalists resembled Freddie Prinze Jr.
“For me, that clinched it right then and there,” she said. “I’ve always found him attractive!”

Freddie Prinze Jr.? Really? That clinched it for her? To each their own.

So matching a face to a donor may actually make some clients feel more at ease about who they pick, or actually help them to decide who to pick. I hope people have the good sense to pick donors with good qualities, rather than picking a donor because they like Orlando Bloom.
But then again, this is the land of the SUPER DUPER superficial, so nothing would surprise me.

I wonder if Cryobank’s business will be booming?

I can see it now…
Mothers with their kids are at the playground and one mother says to another,
“wow your little boy really looks like Leonardo DiCaprio! Any relation?” 

The proud Mom says, “Well no, it was donor #09756-QL5, we were really big fans of the movie Titanic, so that’s why we went with him”.

I guess if there is one guy who is a real dead ringer of a handsome celebrity, he will be in big demand and asked to come back quite often. There can be a panic at Cryobank if they run out!  What happens then?

It may go something like this:

“OMG! We are fresh out of the Ryan Reynolds look alike! Get 9087-K490L on the phone stat! Tell him we have some new vids and magazines! Yeah I know he has been in twice a day for the past month and he’s a bit tender… Chain him down again if you have to, until he puts out. We are in the baby making business people!”

MORE???

I guess in the long run it can become quite a lucrative and fun “job” if you are a celebrity look alike donor. What guy wouldn’t want this gig? At $50- $75 a pop, I am surprised that there is a job shortage for men in the US! Hell, they ain’t getting paid for doing it at home!

Tough luck for all you donors out there who look like Gary Busey (sorry Gary) or OJ Simpson. (not sorry OJ)

I imagine their “stuff” wouldn’t have too many takers and is probably passed up for the gloopus of a more hunkier looking celebrity look alike.

But things may not work out exactly the way you have planned. Even though you picked out your favorite celeb look alike, don’t forget there is a 50/50 chance that your child may be a girl and you may end up with a pretty scary looking child! And I am more than sure that Cryobank does not issue refunds for fuglies.

Very Scary Indeed!

I bet some clients just won’t really care if the donor they picked has only two brain cells….
Just as long as their celebrity knock off looks good in a tux!

If you go to the Good Charlotte website, which I did just for this story (yeah, I took one for the team), your first impression is of a creepy-looking glittery skull, and then you realize that is just a decoration and not a photo of Joel Madden.  ZING!  Anyway…Joel took to his blog to announce that he and Nicole Richie are expecting another little bundle of joy:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

Wasn’t it just like last week that I was writing about the birth of Harlow?

Frenemy Paris Hilton is going to be soooooooooooo jealous.  All she can do is adopt and ignore puppies by the bucketloads, she has yet to pop out a real live human baby.  Harlow is so stinkin’ cute, and despite my initial reservations about the whole thing they all appear to be happy and having a good time.  But for the love of Lionel, marry the woman already!

Here’s to a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby!

Good gravy.  I wasn’t sure about reporting this, but it’s everywhere.  Just when you think this bunch can’t possibly get any more dysfunctional, they go and exceed all expectations.  Word on the internets is that Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister of Britney, who already has one infant at home, done oopsied and did it again (yeah, it’s so overused, but it’s so easy, and it’s early in the morning, folks):

Whoops – she did it again!  Teen Prego Queen Jamie Lynn Spears has another bun in the oven, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER is reporting exclusively – and her pals are begging her to abort.

In a blockbuster world exclusive, The ENQUIRER has learned that the 17-year-old Zoey 101 starlet  is now expecting for the second time – a mere three months after giving birth on June 19 to baby Maddie Briann.

Jamie’s desperate to keep the shock­ing news secret and some people close to her are urging Jamie Lynn to consider ending the pregnancy, sources say.

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source.  “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

Too late.

You ask how in the world a young woman can possibly get preggers again that quick?  Well, let’s take a look at her backwoods reasoning:

“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.

Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Here’s a news flash for ya…OF COURSE YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHILE YOU’RE BREASTFEEDING!  You know what they call people who use that line of reasoning?  Parents of more than one child!

Well, first, good on her for breastfeeding.  So at least she’s got that part right.  But what, realistically, are the chances of her getting pregnant while nursing little Maddie Briann?

In general, if your baby is under 6 months, you have not had a period and you are nursing frequently around the clock, chances are about 1 percent of you getting pregnant.

After you get a period or after your baby is 6 months old, your chances increase. Once your baby does not rely on you for all food and begins to nurse less, your body is more amenable to getting pregnant again.

So, slim, but not none.  Of course we don’t know specifics, but if Jamie Lynn isn’t nursing exclusively or has started to wean the baby onto some solid foods, and the baby isn’t nursing as much, it could happen that Jamie Lynn could get pregnant again.  But, it could happen anyway.  Every woman is different.

But there’s one of the problems…Jamie Lynn is not a woman, even though she has had sex and given birth.  Of course, this is my opinion, but she’s just seventeen…she’s still a teenager, not a woman.  Her body is still growing and changing.  Call me a prude if you want, but quite frankly, she’s got no business getting pregnant again, or even having sex at all for that matter.  She has not even gone ahead and married Casey Aldridge, Maddie’s father, and from most accounts it doesn’t look likely that she will (he’s been accused of cheating on her).  I’m not even sure she’s not still jailbait in some states.  She’s still a child herself, for cryin’ out loud!

Look, I realize that even in the best of families with the best intentions, things happen.  Doesn’t make them right, but they happen, and you deal with it the best you can.  But twice now?  Honestly, that doesn’t seem so much an “accident” as a cry for help.  This family has never been accused of being the most well-adjusted family.  Just a theory, but maybe Jamie Lynn just wants to settle down and be a mom and get out of the celeb rat race, and this is her way of doing it, whether consciously or subconsciously.  Wonder how much Lynne will try to get out of this baby’s pictorial?

Before anyone starts on me in the comments, I don’t hate Jamie Lynn.  I feel sorry for her.  With all her fame and money, she doesn’t seem to be happy.  You never see her smiling any more, not even with the baby.  I think she needs to stop having sex, focus on taking care of the baby she already has, and work on getting her smile back.

And lastly…it’s the Enquirer.  It’s about 50/50 on whether or not this is the truth.  I really hope it is not true, for all concerned.  Next they’ll be saying the father is Elvis and the baby is a green alien with three heads.  Ouch, epidural, stat!

Does Charlie Sheen know about this?  (I kid, I kid)

Yes, it’s true…former porn star Jenna Jameson has just found out that she’s expecting a little bun in her oven:

“Yes, I can confirm I’m pregnant. It’s still early, so I’m being cautious. I’m resting as much as possible,” she tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. “I’m so happy!”

She adds that she and boyfriend of two years, mixed martial arts fighter Tito Ortiz, “are still in a state of shock.

“I’m just saying super healthy,” she says. “I’ve moved down to the beach with Tito — I love being by the beach.” [...]

But the 34-year-old Jameson — who split from adult film studio owner Jay Grdina in 2006 and from porn star Brad Armstrong in 2001— said they have no plans to walk down the aisle.

“I think I’m gonna stay unmarried and just go for the babies!” she told Us. “I’m following in Angelina’s footsteps!”

It seems that she decided to purchase a pregnancy test when she heard a false report that she was pregnant, and it turned up positive.  See, sometimes celeb reporters get it right!

Who knows, maybe it’s the powah of suggestion.  I’m going to report that Angelina Jolie becomes a nun and decides to seclude herself in a convent for the rest of her life, that Denise Richards finally gets the proper medication and stops whoring out her daughters for fame and profit, that Brit and Kevin get back together and settle down to a life of anonymity in a suburb of Des Moines, and that Heather Mills eats some fried chicken and finds that it put her in such a good mood that she vows to never again be a nagging harpie.  Hey, it can happen!  The powah of the press!

But here’s the kicker:

She previously told Us she discovered she was two months pregnant in November 2004 after being diagnosed with malignant melanoma. A day later, she miscarried due to the stress of cancer.

But the devout Catholic — who has tried in vitro — told Us, “It was all in God’s plan.”

I’m really sorry that she had to deal with melanoma, because that stin…wait, do huh?  A devout Catholic?  When did this happen…before or after, among other things, her many porn films (self-explanatory), in vitro procedure (a sin in the eyes of the Catholic church), endorsement of a line of condoms (ditto), sex and pregnancy out of wedlock (double ditto), and living in sin with her boyfriend (triple ditto)?

Not saying conversions to Catholicism can’t happen, but it just seems a bit…convenient.  Nevertheless, best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and baby.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t look too much like daddy if it’s a girl.  (I kid again!)

That sound you just heard was Denise Richards’ head exploding.  Twice.

Yep, ol’ Charlie is at it again…he and new wife Brooke Mueller, whom he married in May, have announced that they are going to have an addition to their family:

The actor is expecting a child with wife Brooke Mueller, Sheen announced Monday in a statement.

“Brooke and I are thrilled!” the star of the CBS hit “Two and a Half Men” wrote. “She’s the best stepmom Sam, Lola and Cassandra could ever hope for. Seeing her love and affection with those three, I know she’ll be an amazing mom. Unless I bat 100 percent, perhaps a boy awaits us.”

The last statement refers to the fact that he already has three daughters; 25-year-old Jade (from a relationship with Paula Profit), 3-year-old Sam, and 2-year-old Lola.

Okay.  Let’s stop and think about this for a second.  He has managed to clean up his sex/drugs/rock-n-roll lifestyle, and that is to be commended (in 1995, he revealed that he had spent $50,000 on prostitutes in four months; he’s allegedly slept with 5000 women [hmm...methinks the number is somewhat exaggerated]; he’s been in rehab at least six times, one of which was the result of his own father calling the police on him) but he already has three children, two of which are being raised by a woman of questionable mental stability and who are in the middle of a rather contentious custody dispute.  And he can’t seem to shake controversy…allegations against Sheen have continued, mostly from his ex-wife Denise:

In a searing court attack on Charlie Sheen, actress Denise Richards alleges that her estranged husband is unstable, violent, addicted to gambling and prostitutes, and visits pornographic web sites featuring young men and girls who appear underage. In a remarkable sworn declaration (a copy of which you’ll find below) filed today in Los Angeles Superior Court, Richards also charges that Sheen, 40, assaulted her and threatened her life during a December 30 incident at the actress’s Los Angeles home. Richards claims that an enraged Sheen–who was over for a visit with the couple’s two children–told her she was “fucking with the wrong guy” and called her a series of vulgar names in front of the children. The actor, Richards said, then shoved her to the ground and screamed, “I hope you f–king die, bitch.” As Richards, 35, tells it, Sheen was angry because she had told her divorce attorney about discovering details of Sheen’s porn-surfing practices.

I guess my question is this:  If you’re already involved in what is turning out to be one of the most nasty custody cases of Hollywood’s already nasty history, and if you’re already dealing with an ex-wife who is at best a bit loopy and at worst a money-grubbing harpie, why bring more children into this mess?  I can understand Brooke’s desire to be a mother, but couldn’t they have waited a bit, at least until this current crop of allegations against Charlie have been settled?

Can you imagine what visitation is going to be like when Charlie’s girls come over to see daddy?  Denise has admitted that her daughters are in therapy (gee, wonder why) and in July accused him of acting inappropriately around the children and of molesting the two girls.  These two chuckleheads can’t manage to put their own personal differences aside for the sake of their children, and another child, even one by a different mom, is going to feel the residual effects of Denise’s outside influence.

I’m not saying he did or did not do the things Denise has accused him of doing.  Quite frankly, I think both he and his ex-wife are a few notes short of a score.  There’s enough mud being slung around there to stick to both of them, and I think there’s a bit of truth in both sides of the story (amid a lot of embellishment).  But why bring another child into this mess?  Granted, it is a child with his new wife, but there is still visitation, court dates, custody battles, and general messy disasters to deal with.  The timing could not be worse, and the one who will be affected the most is the as-of-yet unborn child.

Our best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and baby.  But Denise is gonna love this.  Bets on how long it takes her to say that Charlie loves his new child more than his daughters with her?

According to an article on Yahoo News, serial baby-adopter and homewrecker, Angelina Jolie has checked into a hospital in Nice, France to give birth to her twins. Angie, and partner Brad, already have four children, Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, Shiloh, 2.

A spokesperson for the hospital claims Angie’s admittance to the maternity wing of the hospital was planned.

Since this is a still developing story, stay tuned for a full-eclipse of the sun and multiple rainbows to break out around the world as a indication that Angie and Brad have added two little bundles to their growing brood.

Good luck Angie, we here at Glosslip hope you and your babies are healthy and well. We also hope you are close to filling that gaping void in your life and the karmic hole you created by breaking up a marriage, so that perhaps now you will finally have enough distractions from your internal guilt to be at peace.

Why yes, I did say that. Ok, let the Brangeloonies loose!

I wonder if she turned to Benji before she left the house and asked, “Honey, do I look fat in this?”

Could it be?  No…surely not!  Life couldn’t be that cruel…right?  Right?  We haven’t seen Paris for a while and she never does anything without a reason…so…?

Hey…ain’t sayin’, just sayin’.

Angelina Jolie had to confirm that yes, it’s twins, after co-star Jack Black “accidentally” spilled the organically grown beans…and then other co-star Dustin Hoffman “accidentally” let slip her due date:

First, Jolie’s Kung Fu Panda costar Jack Black spilled the beans and confirmed that Jolie and partner Brad Pitt are expecting twins. Now fellow costar Dustin Hoffman has revealed her due date!

The big day? Today show reporter Natalie Morales revealed on Thursday’s program that Hoffman told her the babies were due Aug. 19.

The new arrivals will be the fifth and sixth children for the Jolie and Pitt. The family currently consists of Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, and Shiloh, who turns 2 this month.

Accidentally my foot.  She probably promised to adopt both Dustin and Jack if they’d help “accidentally” leak the news.

Angelina says that she doesnt feel like “most women” when it comes to pregnancy…you know, because she’s so much better and more spiritually in tune with herself than us regular folk:

“I’m very happy,” said Jolie, 33, according to Today. “Unlike most women, I love being pregnant. [It makes] you feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

During the on-air interview, Jolie said that she would “possibly” stay in France for the births, and that she and Pitt preferred not to disclose the sex of the babies.

Hey, I didn’t mind being pregnant.  Pregnancy was actually very nice, despite being sick all the time.  And getting that way was fun, but the baby-coming-out part…well, not so much.  “Unlike most women”?  You mean, like those of us who don’t have the money to travel to a new country every month and who are forced to keep their children in one place until they are grown, thus providing a sense of security and stability and continunity in their young lives?

I’ve taken a lot of stick from people who say I hate on Brangelina or that I’m jealous somehow of them and their life.  Let me say…whatever.  I’m not hating on them for having a bunch of kids or for having a bunch of money or for traveling the world.  But she has shown time and again that she is a bit obsessive when it comes to this particular area of her life and that while she professes to love her kids, she has no idea what terms like “stability” mean.  I know people with lots of kids (five or more) who totally make it work, and who had children for the right reasons, and I know people with lots of kids who are not making it work and who had kids for the wrong reasons, and I believe Angelina is adding to her family for the wrong reasons.

But despite saying after Shiloh was born that she would find a spot, stay home and raise the kids, she’s been off trotting the globe making movies.  She’s dragged those kids all over the world, instead of keeping them in one place to give them structure and continuity in their lives.  Poor little Maddox had to quit his school in NYC after Angelina decided to uproot the family once again.  And even though she’s pregnant with what will make her fifth and sixth children, she’s not ruled out adding to the brood.

Look, I have no doubt that she loves her children.  But much like animal hoarding, this obsessive preoccupation with “saving” children and hoarding as many as she can isn’t about care, but control.  Angelina seems to have well-documented control issues, and this manifests itself in her everyday life and this need to adopt children.  Once the children get older, I’ll be interested to see just how well they like their globetrotting lifestyle then.  Her lifestyle is not child-centered, but adult-centered, and the children just happen to live in it.

I’m NOT against adoption, but if she’s that set on adopting then there are babies right here in the USA who need homes.  Or would she not be able to swoop in and take them away as easily here?

Beautiful control freak.  She may love her kids, but love alone isn’t enough.

Regardless, I wish her a safe pregnancy and healthy babies.  I’m not a total jerk, y’know.

Here we see Katie Holmes, husband Tom Cruise, and daughter Suri at David Beckham’s soccer game on Saturday.  They were there with Tom’s daughter Isabella and the three Beckham boys.

I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Time to take a break from the CoS. Glosslip reported Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist, Pete Wentz) are not only engaged, but also pregnant. We expressed both our disgust at the poor example they are setting for their fans (it’s not like birth control isn’t available in Hollywood) and the fact that they are disgusting attention whores.

Apparently, since her appearance in SNL, when she showed her lip-sync skills were lacking, Ashlee has spent her time getting knocked up, not working on her vocals.

Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just keepin’ it real.