You know, I’ve defended this guy in the past.  I think he did a very good job helping his daughter Lindsay when she was in rehab (although she’s clearly in need of a refresher course)…but that just goes to show that even morons can do good things sometimes.  Because this guy is truly a moron.

What’s the latest moronic thing he’s done?  Well, besides allegedly father another daughter out of wedlock while he was separated from Dina, he’s now trying to get some magazine to help him pay child support if the DNA test comes back positive:

Lohan has approached both OK! and People magazines with the offer of his exclusive story, should paternity tests prove he’s her biological father. “He’s approaching everyone to get the highest bid because, if he is the dad, he’s going to need the money for back child support,” said an insider. […] The asking price for Michael’s story is in the $20,000 range, but it sounds like both weeklies are passing on the offer. “Nobody wants to buy DNA results,” our source scoffed. A rep for People denied Lohan had approached the mag, and a rep for OK! said, “We’re not interested.”

Hey, Michael, here’s a thought…how about getting a, oh, I don’t know, real job?  I mean, who ends up paying for stuff like that?  Regular people (with real jobs) who buy those magazines, that’s who!

I wasn’t going to write about this story, because it’s Just. That. Stupid.  I can’t even come up with snark about it, because it snarks all by itself, it doesn’t need my help.  However, I feel compelled to bring this to everyone’s attention as a Public Service to our readers.

So, the moral of this story is this:  Keep it in your pants.

Well, that’s pretty much the end of that, isn’t it?

Someone mentioned the above display of “talent” today and was deeply impressed with this woman’s skillz. The fact that this person was 16 and a goofy boy should have been my first clue. But, in any case, here you go.

I feel compelled to state, not only is this a stupid use of one’s breasts, but also dangerous.

I wasn’t going to write about this, since I hate doing stories that are blatant rumor and innuendo, but I’ve seen this now on several different sites so I’m wondering just what’s up.  Apparently, Madonna, who is reported to be thisclose to a split from hubby Guy Ritchie, and Alex Rodriguez, of the NY Yankees, have possibly been engaged in a little after-hours batting practice:

A ringless and grim-faced Ritchie, 39, arrived in New York City from London yesterday after several weeks apart from his family. A source tells Us that the $28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out “as late as midnight.” Says the source, “All the doormen are talking.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

And not only that, but he was seen there shortly after his wife popped out another addition to the family:

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was at Madonna’s Central Park West apartment in New York City shortly after his wife gave birth to their second daughter, Usmagazine.com has learned.

One source tells Us that Rodriguez, 32, visited the singer, 49, possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth.

Yet another reason for me to not like either of them.

In the meantime, hubby Guy (remember him?) arrived in NYC to reportedly try and salvage what is left of his marriage, after being away from his family for several weeks:

Ritchie arrived in New York yesterday  in what is believed to be an 11th hour effort to salvage his marriage.

Neither Madonna nor the Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels director have been seen wearing their wedding rings in recent weeks.

I mean, come on…as much as I hate divorces and what it does to people and families, I realize sometimes it is inevitable.  But can’t Madonna wait until the divorce is over before she cuckolds her long-suffering husband?  I mean, he has basically kowtowed to her every desire, and she still doesn’t have enough respect for him to wait until they at least file.  Allegedly.  Ain’t sayin’, just sayin’.

I need a shower now.  I feel dirty.

Wow…Amy Winehouse stories are the new black around here.  It’s like Britney Redux.

Amy’s hubby Blake Incarcerated-Druggie has been writing lovey-dovey letters to somebody that ain’t Amy.  Uhoh!  I’m warning you, you’ll lose about fifty IQ points by reading this:

He said he had DUMPED the Back to Black singer after she confessed to sleeping with two men while he has been locked up. But he wanted to stay friends and BED her too on his release.

The jobless junkie even claimed Amy had seen some of the filthy notes — and hinted she could join them for a THREESOME.

Amy, who declared her undying love for Fielder-Civil at a chaotic Glastonbury set on Saturday, is not thought to know the full extent of his cheating plans.

They emerged after Melissa Goldstone — serving two-and-a-half years for conspiracy to supply class A drugs — wrote wishing him luck in beating heroin in prison, as she had done.

Sleazy Fielder-Civil, 25, soon started talking about bondage and violent heroin-fuelled orgies.

Most of what he wrote I can’t (well, I won’t) reprint here, but trust me…not only is it filthy, but riddled with grammatical errors and misspellings.  The horrors!

In one part, he said that Amy had seen the letters and was intrigued instead of incensed.  Blake said Amy asked for her address, supposedly so Amy could write Melissa.  Whatevs!  Amy is gonna go over to where Melissa is and mess her up.  Amy will cut you, man, I’m tellin’ ya.  Why do you think I stay anonymous?

And in a slap in the face to anyone who says he is trying to stay clean, he invites Melissa on a six-month trip to Thailand for a drug-fueled vacation:

We can just sun ourselves, I can f*** you all over the country and the gear there is f****** unreal!!! Something to look forward to innit??

Makes his momma proud, that one does.

So much for daddy Mitch’s assertions that Blake wants to clean up his image and do the right thing by Amy.  So much for Amy’s continual declarations of love for her “Blakey”.  So much for…oh, forget trying to be poetic about it.  He’s a jerk, dump him.

I know I am not going to do an Amy Winehouse story any justice, but k’s busy solving world hunger and such, so I will give it my best shot. According to reports, that crazy British crackhead Amy Winehouse is taking her weave on the road to Israel in hopes of finding a cure for her own special brand of crazy.

The Sun is reporting on Amy’s latest efforts to clean up her act:

AMY WINEHOUSE will fly to Israel in a bid to beat her drug addiction, according to the chairman of the country’s Anti-Drug Authority.

Eliezer Cohen says the Ivor Novello Award winning singer will undergo a “very short, intensive and effective treatment” costing 6,400.

He told the Jewish Chronicle: “Amy’s people spoke to a renowned Israeli institution and an Israeli professor who conducts a very special and effective method.

�She has requested to come to him to do this method, since it’s a method that is suitable for her.”

Andre Waismann, who will treat Amy, said: “All of my patients are discharged healthy and no longer dependent.

There is a misunderstanding about drug addiction. People think it is a social and psychological problem, but it’s a neurological problem.

Whether it’s Amy Winehouse or anyone else, it is a privilege to be able to treat anyone who is opiate-dependent, and allow them to live a normal life.”

Amy was celebrating her Ivor win last night – despite turning up halfway through the ceremony and missing the presentation.

There’s no misunderstanding about drug addiction in Amy’s case. She surrounds herself with enablers and yes-people who will happily supply her with all the drugs she wants to feed her addiction, in exchange for being able to glom on to her “glamorous lifestyle.” Unlike in Britney Spears case, where her father seized upon the opportunity to take the necessary steps to help his daughter, clearly Amy’s dad Mitch has ZERO control or influence over his daughter, and ultimately refuses to do the hard things required to keep her from destroying her life. I fully understand she’s an adult, but a parent does whatever they can to keep their child from harm’s way, even a crazy, whackadoodle like Amy Winehouse.

To show you just how far gone Amy’s mentality is, she gave up an opportunity to do the theme song for the next James Bond film with producer/writer/DJ extraordinaire Mark Ronson (whose sister Samantha, also a DJ, is smooching Lindsay Lohan these days — see right). Rumor has it the project is now going to Beyonce WHO is not a crackhead, but isn’t even 1/10 as talented as Amy.

Nothing pisses me off more than a tremendously talented artist who wastes their gifts by doing drugs. Please Amy, get your crap in one bag already, if Britney Spears can get it together, so can you!

Worst Bond Girl Denise Richards has a new reality show to promote, and let me tell you something, E! is getting their money’s worth outta her.  Between she and fellow mom-pimp Dina Lohan, they’re getting the most publicity they’ve had since the ANS show was taken off.

Denise is making the talk show rounds and has appeared on several this week, but the one that interests me the most is the interview she did with the Today show’s Matt Lauer.  Supposedly on the morning chatfest to promote her new show, she once again took the opportunity to take several swipes at ex Charlie Sheen, which thus far seems to be her modus operandi:

Denise Richards insisted Wednesday she never asked for her ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s sperm, despite a document released exclusively to NBC News by Sheen containing a purported e-mail that Sheen claims proves she asked him in April 2007 to father a third child via artificial insemination.

“The e-mail’s not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail,” Richards told TODAY’s Matt Lauer Wednesday. She said that the message, which Sheen says Richards wrote to his current fiancée, Brooke Mueller, represents another attempt by the actor to discredit her.

Oh, Denise, about that show you’re doing?

Richards told Lauer that the document is simply not true. At the time, she said, she was caring for her mother, Joni, who had terminal cancer that would take her life in December 2007. The actress was also raising the two young girls she had by Sheen. The last thing she wanted was another baby.

“I was taking care of my dying mom. That’s what the public doesn’t understand,” Richards said. “I was raising my little girls. They’re young; they need me. My mother was the closest person to me. She was dying.”

Richards said that if she had wanted another child, she wouldn’t have asked for Sheen’s sperm, noting she was dating Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora at the time. “If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I would have asked for Richie’s,” she told Lauer.

Uh, yeah, but don’t you have a new television show to promote?

She said that the perception that she made [many] accusations [against Sheen] publicly is wrong. She made the statements in court filings that she had hoped would remain private, she said.

“The one thing I will clear up a lot of people don’t understand — I filed a declaration with the court. I never went on different shows and blasted my husband and aired our dirty laundry,” she said. “This is a private, embarrassing, personal matter.”

Hmm, yeah…private and personal. Gotcha. E!, show, ringing any bells?

Richards told Lauer that even that battle has been misrepresented by Sheen. She said that initially, he agreed to allow her to have Sam and Lola on the reality show, but in return for his consent, he asked for increased custody of the children.

“Charlie wanted me to agree to custody changes in our situation,” she said, addressing the issue for the first time. “I didn’t want to change the custody arrangement.”

Okay, never mind.

But wait, there’s more…

Can’t the UK get anything right concerning these stars and their drug habits?

Serial druggie Pete Doherty was released from prison after serving a pittance of his original sentence, waving a piece of paper saying that he passed his drug test while locked up:

But Pete Doherty’s precious piece of paper proved only that he had passed a drugs test while in prison.

He seemed delighted to have it as he left just 29 days into a 14-week sentence, declaring he wanted to “keep it together and work on my music”.

The 29-year-old singer, who has been repeatedly arrested in possession of crack cocaine and heroin, was finally jailed last month for breaching his probation.

But yet again the law smiled on Doherty by setting him free early.

He emerged from Wormwood Scrubs in West London at 7.10am yesterday in a suit, tie, what appeared to be rosary beads and surprisingly shiny shoes.

Smoking a cigarette, he said he was looking forward to having a drink and seeing his pet cats.

Don’t let him near those animals…he gives them drugs!

So let’s get this right…he was supposed to serve over three months, and he ended up being in for fourteen days?  Who does this guy know?

Seriously…what is up with the courts over there in the Old Country?  Every time I turn around, people like Pete and Amy Winehouse are committing crimes like buying and taking drugs and headbutting people, yet they get let off with a slap on the wrist and a finger-waggle and a “No no no” from the authorities.  This guy has been arrested multiple times for drugs, yet they keep letting him go.  Even after he promises that he’s going to do better and get clean, he still relapses and they still slap him on the wrist and they still let him go.

He and Amy both need to go away for about a year and get totally clean and sober.  Of course, with the leniency of the court system over there, what’s the motivation?  They know they aren’t really going to be punished, so why bother?

Yet…Blake Incarcerated-Druggie beats up a guy and is STILL in jail, where he has been since November.  Yes, he deserves to be punished…yes, he threatened a guy with more beatdowns…yes, he offered the guy money if he’d shut up and go away…yes, Blake is a drug addict.  But is he any worse of a drug addict than Pete?  Is what he’s done that much worse than Pete continually flaunting the legal system in Britain by constantly and flagrantly taking drugs and violating his probation?

I’m definitely no fan of Blake, but the hypocrisy of the UK court system is astonishing.  Pete will probably put his certificate in a nice glass frame and then hoover up a line off it.

Oh wait, that was a different serial philanderer and liar.  My bad…they all run together after a while.

Roger Clemens is steadfastly denying that not only did he not take steroids and performance-enhancing drugs:

“I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media,” Clemens, who has raised his four children with his wife, Debbie, in the Katy and Memorial areas, said in a statement to the Houston Chronicle. “Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

While not admitting to any specific mistakes, Clemens did remain adamant that he never used steroids or HGH. He has been fighting to clear his name since Dec. 13, when he was implicated in the use of performance-enhancing drugs in the report former Sen. George Mitchell prepared for Major League Baseball.

“I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use,” he said in the statement. “I have already made clear that I did not use them.”

…but that he also did not have an improper relationship with country singer Mindy McCready:

“Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false.”

McCready, however, told the Daily News that she “cannot refute anything in the story” about her relationship with Clemens.

…along with other (admittedly legal) women:

The Daily News also reported that Clemens had extramarital relationships with two other women, including the former wife of pro golfer John Daly.

Clemens is adamant that he won’t confess just so the scrutiny will go away.

“I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do,” he said. “I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Like I said before, had he just kept both his big mouth shut and his Rocket in his pants, this story about Mindy McCready might not have ever hit the press.  It seems that if she would have wanted to publicize it, she would have done so by now, and outside of one statement to the press when the story broke she has remained silent on the subject.  But because he filed a defamation of character suit against his former trainer, it all came out, and Roger has only himself to blame for it.  Yes, it might have come out anyway, but he could have then apologized and at least not looked like a lying hypocrite (yeah, as if he would have the humility to apologize).

Yes, we all make mistakes, and yes, we all have things in our pasts that we are embarrassed about and ashamed of.  But if you’re in the public eye, you need to make double sure that you’re not presenting yourself to the world as one thing, when you’re really another, because you will be found out.  Millions of dollars, a possible stint in the pokey, and his family are at stake, all because Roger Clemens is too arrogant to realize just what is going on.

And according to sometimes pal Mark Ronson, she is no longer recording any music, because she isn’t fit to work (cue my shocked face):

The singer has been recording with Mark in his studios in Henley, Oxforshire, but the plug has now been well and truly pulled on the project.

The pair fell out amid Amy saying the song was “rubbish” and Mark cancelling the sessions, claiming she is not fit to record music.

Mark, who confirmed the split yesterday, told The Sun: “We did work on it but we never finished it. I don’t think it will happen unless by some miracle it gets recorded and someone sings on it.

“I’m not sure Amy is ready to work on music yet.”

Well, I’m sure there is no shortage of famous musicians who are queuing up to record the theme to Quantum Of Solace.  Of course, I couldn’t care less…the Bond franchise is dead to me after what they did to Pierce.  You hear me?  Dead to me!  Dead, I tell you!

Okay, anyway.  I don’t have the space (or the patience) to link to every article we’ve done concerning Amy’s woes, so please check out our full coverage here.

Yes, just when you thought the saga of Roger Clemens couldn’t get any stranger, it gets stranger.  I admit I haven’t been following this whole Roger/steroids story as much as some (I’m not a big baseball fan), but when Shaun Daily mentioned this on his BTR show yesterday, I sat up and took notice.  It seems that he and troubled country singer Mindy McCready met when she was fifteen and this developed into a long sexual relationship:

Roger Clemens carried on a decade-long affair with country star Mindy McCready, a romance that began when McCready was a 15-year-old aspiring singer performing in a karaoke bar and Clemens was a 28-year-old Red Sox ace and married father of two, several sources have told the Daily News. […]

Contacted by the Daily News Sunday through his lawyer Rusty Hardin, Clemens confirmed a long-term relationship but denied that it was of a sexual nature.

“He flatly denies having had any kind of an inappropriate relationship with her,” Hardin said. “He’s considered her a close family friend. … He has never had a sexual relationship with her.”

Apparently, Mindy began travelling with Roger after they met in a bar where she was singing at age fifteen:

Hardin said the Rocket’s wife, Debbie, knew McCready and that the singer had traveled on his plane. […]

[Brian] McNamee, who worked with and traveled with Clemens extensively over the last decade, has confirmed that he saw Clemens and McCready together on many occasions, including in Clemens’ room at his apartment in the former SkyDome, now Rogers Centre, in Toronto, and that Clemens talked of McCready often. Should McNamee decide to countersue for defamation, McCready could surface as a witness for that case as well.

According to sources, Clemens was with his Red Sox teammates in a Fort Myers, Fla., bar when then-teenager McCready caught his eye. After Clemens threw a shirt with his and several teammates’ signatures onstage, an introduction was made.

“It was love at first sight, no doubt about it,” said a source with intimate knowledge of the relationship.

According to the source, McCready did not learn that Clemens was married to Debbie Clemens until McCready attended a baseball game with her two younger brothers and read Clemens’ bio in the program. The source says that McCready was too young to be angered by the news that Clemens was taken.

Roger has sued his former personal trainer for defamation of character, a bit ironic and a huge risk since when you do so, you claim you had unsullied character to begin with:

From a public relations standpoint, Clemens’ decision to file the suit against McNamee the night the Rocket appeared with Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes” could end up being the biggest risk he has taken yet. Clemens, under investigation for perjury, has already endured the ignominy of publicly admitting his wife’s own human growth hormone use, having photos of bloody gauze and needles linked to him and embarrassing scrutiny of an alleged injection-site abscess on his buttocks. […]

“The issue in Roger’s suit against McNamee is Roger’s reputation and how it has been damaged,” said Richard Emery, one of McNamee’s lawyers who is handling the defamation suit. “If it’s proved that he’s a philanderer, his reputation is already damaged. When you sue for defamation, you put your whole reputation in the community at issue. Anything is fair game, including his claim of sanctimonious purity. We would cross-examine him and other witnesses who might impact on his alleged behavior. We would probably subpoena her and witnesses who knew [of the relationship]. He’s a ‘family man’ - he implies that. It’s about what his damages are. All is fair game.” […]

The seven-time Cy Young Award winner’s orchestrated public relations blitz began shortly after the Dec. 13 release of the Mitchell Report on drug use in baseball. It focused as much on Clemens’ family-man reputation as it did on McNamee’s checkered past and apparent lies about his involvement in an incident in Florida in 2001 for which he was investigated for sexual assault. No charges were ever filed in that case, but Clemens’ lawyer Hardin papered the media with accounts of the incident.

The relationship with McCready paints a very different picture of Clemens than the one drawn by Jose Canseco in his book “Juiced,” where he went out of his way to say that Clemens was one of very few professional ballplayers who was faithful to his wife.

And it smacks of a different Clemens than the one who spoke passionately of his family in his opening remarks to Congress Feb. 13. Debbie Clemens was seated behind her husband at the hearing.

“Anyone who has spent time around me knows that my family is and has always been my top priority,” a portion of the statement read. “My wife, Debbie, and my sons - Koby, Kory, Kacy and Kody - mean more to me than anything in the world. Having said that, baseball has definitely provided me with significant opportunities off the field.”

But wait, there’s more…