This whole Britney thing just gets weirder and weirder.  Let’s recap:  Last night, she had employees open Kitson at 1:30 in the morning so that she could drop $10,000 on merchandise (I was going to say that’s a lot of clothes, but when hoodies are $95, I guess that’s about one and a half shopping bags).  Four paparazzi were arrested after chasing her the other night and driving very erratically through the streets of LA.  She told police one of them tried to run her off the road, but could not identify who (so where was Anon Brazilianwax or Osama bin Loopy?  Can’t this girl afford a driver?  Or is that part of Anon’s master plan?).  And now, “sources” are saying that Brit suffers from multiple personality disorder:

We’re told the whole British accent thing — well, it’s more than an accent. Britney has multiple personalities, including, as people in her life call it, “the British girl.” We’re told when Spears loses the British personality, she has absolutely no idea what she did during the time she assumed that personality.

Sources say Brit has a number of other identities, where she becomes “the weepy girl, the diva, the incoherent girl,” and on and on.

Sources say Britney had become the British girl the day she didn’t show for her deposition and has no recollection of it.

Hmm.  I have a bit of a problem believing this one.  If she truly has no memory of the deposition, surely someone (lawyers, Anon, housekeeper, somebody) has mentioned it.  She checks the internet every day for photos of herself, so surely she’s seen pictures of herself at the courthouse and read articles about it.  And the problems in the brain that cause multiple personalities don’t just spring up overnight, they are years in the making, although a new personality can suddenly pop up with no prior warning.

However, I can also see the argument for this, as it definitely does seem at times as though we see a different Brit every day, sometimes even two or three different Brits in the course of a day.  However however, this could just be something as easily explained as PMS or hormonal swings or blood sugar imbalances.  After all, many of us wake up feeling and acting one way, but as the day goes on our behavior and actions change.  Speaking in a British accent isn’t necessarily indicative of a mental issue.  And it’s easy to cite “sources”…I can say that “sources” told me I had a McDonald’s burger for supper tonight, but that don’t necessarily make it so (I actually had mushroom and spinach pizza, although I have had a McDonald’s burger in the past, dun dun dunnnn).  But but again…when one pieces together the events of the past year or so in Brit’s life, one does come to realize that she definitely has a mental disorder of some kind.

I know that some will say that Britney is perfectly sane and that this is all a ruse to get people to either feel sorry for her, or for her to emotionally manipulate the masses.  However, I don’t agree with that one…while I do think that she sometimes does work the media to her advantage or to pull what she considers a joke on the public (as is now believed to be behind the pregnancy test purchase the other day), I truly do believe that she is mentally ill.  Even she should know, in her right mind, that being taken away strapped to a gurney wouldn’t be helpful to her child custody case.

Let’s just stop for a minute and say that this multiple personality thing is true.  IF it is so, then that means Anon, Osmarma bin Loopy, Cuzin Alli, her parents, her family, are all letting her go on and on without stopping her or attempting to get her help…especially those who are closest to her on a daily basis, which at this point are Anon and Smarmy, who appear to be the wall (either known or unknown to Brit) between she and her family.  If Anon is making zexytime with her, while refusing to get her help and at the same time selling his “exclusive” pics to Finalpixx, that’s reprehensible beyond belief.  I realize that having an adult committed to a mental facility is a tortuous, difficult, and arduous process, but somebody needs to attempt it before this girl self-destructs.

So, Mythbusters, let’s mark this one as plausible, but not practical.  In other words, I need more information.

And how close is she to hopping that train to Anna Nicoleville?  The Associated Press already has an obituary ready to go, a distinction usually reserved for the sick and aged.  Well, they got the sick part right.

UPDATE:  Uh, yeah, I’d say Brit definitely is not pregnant.  That, or she doesn’t have very good aim with the ketchup.  You can see the pictures here.  (warning…NSFW and rather gross)

You know, this is why I don’t do things with a bunch of women.  I’m all the time being invited to go shopping, out to lunch, whatever with several girl friends, and I always turn them down.  You know why?  Because you get a bunch of women together in once place, and it can’t turn out well.  They all think they are the boss and they know best, so you know there’s going to be bloodshed.

I could have warned the Spice Girls of this, had they bothered to ask me, because it seems that all is not well in Spiceworld:

Last week, the first of its release, their Greatest Hits sold 1.4 million copies worldwide, of which 75,000 were in the UK. X Factor’s Leona Lewis trounced this by selling 375,000 copies of her album in Britain that week.

A further worry for those involved in the reunion is that things are so bad in the Spice Camp that there are worries the tour might disintegrate before they have completed all the dates.

Relations between the girls range from “tricky” to “terrible”, and there are genuine fears over whether the ladies will be able to cope with the physical demands of the gigs, too. A tour insider said: “It’s obvious from what is going on in rehearsals in Los Angeles that there are a lot of problems.

“They have been doing their dancing and singing routines.

“They are having to change things all the time because the girls are frankly not up to it.

“There are worries about the stamina - apart from Mel B [Scary] who although she is now 32, is phenomenal and seems to never get winded.”

You’ll remember that Mel B just completed a stint on Dancing With The Stars, where she came in second.

But wait, there’s more…

Today marks the 27th anniversary of Ian Curtis’ death, when at age 23, Curtis hanged himself on the eve of his band’s departure for a tour of the U.S. In a fitting tribute to his brief, but brilliant career, a new biopic titled Control premiered last night at Cannes which chronicles his short life and that of his band Joy Division. The film is based on the book written by Curtis’ wife Deborah called Touching From a Distance and follows his life from the start of band’s formation (1976) to his death on May 18th, 1980. The couple have one child, daughter Natalie who was born in 1979.

It would be difficult to imagine today’s musical landscape without the influence of Ian Curtis and Joy Division. Despite having the legacy of being one of the youngest rock musicians to die so early in his career, Ian Curtis like so many before and after him, continues to impact our lives through his music.

Dutch rock-photographer and videographer Anton Corbijn, who is making his directorial debut with Control, photographed Joy Division in the late 70’s. He’s also a legendary music videographer who directed Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box,” Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus,” and literally dozens of others, as well as, having photographed virtually every big name in music including the album covers for Depeche Mode and U2′ s Joshua Tree. Corbijn is quite literally a legend of rock in his own right, which makes him the perfect fit to capture the life of a rock legend.

Working as a photographer for British rock mags, Corbijn was on the scene to capture the dark, but electric mood of the late 70’s as the now legendary label Factory Records helped spawn the careers of Joy Division, and later New Order (see also OMD, Happy Mondays and Duritti Column) during a period that also saw the emergence of The Sex Pistols and the Buzzcocks, just to name a couple.

Corbijn recalls the period and his decision to film the movie in stark black and white:

”My whole memory of that period is black and white. There is basically no color photography of that band around. So it felt very proper to the project.”

Corbijn also felt strongly about his decision to cast a relative unknown actor Sam Riley in the role of Curtis based on his initial impressions of the actor:

”A lot of bands I met, including Joy Division, were kind of underdressed - a thin coat on, smoking and shivering in the cold. When I met Sam it was also in the winter and he was totally the same…had an innocence and a freshness that I was hoping for but never thought I would find.”

Despite an all-too-short life, both as a group and for that of their lead singer Ian Curtis, Joy Division has had a tremendous influence of many of today’s biggest names in rock. U2’s Bono has described Curtis voice as “holy” and wrote the song “A Day Without Me,” as a direct reference to the suicide of Curtis. This was the first single released off of U2’s debut album Boy in 1980. NIN’s Trent Reznor is also a fan of Curtis’ work and covered Joy Division’s amazing song “Dead Souls” which was a released on The Crow soundtrack and Reznor often lists the band and Curtis as an early influence.

It would be fair to trace Curtis and company in the sounds of Bauhaus, Echo and The Bunnymen, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Siouxie and The Banshees and certainly later in the sounds of techno master Moby, who covered “New Dawn Fades” for the Heat soundtrack, which may possibly be the greatest movie soundtrack ever made.

Clearly, Curtis’ life was polarized between his creative forces and his personal pain. Ian suffered from epilepsy and this certainly contributed in part to his various spikes in emotions and personality conflicts. His wife Deborah described him as very controlling, often moody and distant. At the time of Curtis’ suicide the couple were contemplating divorce which was exacerbated by Ian’s affair with a Belgian writer named Annik Honore.

Deborah says these torn feelings may have been at the root cause of his suicide, but even she has no definitive answers:

“Maybe he was concerned about doing the right thing. Maybe he was torn between what he should do and what he wanted to do. Maybe Annik wasn’t the one, but he felt he needed to go. I don’t know. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering, because there were so many other things he could’ve done besides commit suicide.

Only Ian Curtis knows why he took his own life on the eve of what was clearly to be a journey into rock greatness, leaving behind many broken lives, including that of his bandmates. With the end of Joy Division (the band agreed that if any member departed, they would change the name) New Order was created, and we should all be thankful for that.

Hopefully this new biopic will shed some light into the world of a mysterious figure that most of us know only through his lyrics and haunting voice; and while these gifts are priceless in quality, their absence in quantity is painful to bear.

Perhaps the answer to the mystery of his death can be found in Ian’s own words:

Love Will Tear Us Apart

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

Lily Allen, the fiery little lass from the UK who’s ska-revival-infused pop sound is slowly infiltrating the U.S., doesn’t much appreciate how our culture pits her against her music rivals.  In this case, fellow Brit singer the bluesy-rocker Amy Winehouse.  Allen insists there’s no real rivalry, only one made up in the press.  I tend to believe her on this one, as Allen’s non-too-shy about expressing how she feels about other celebrities and musicians.  Lily on the Amy Winehouse much-ado-about-nothing:

“Every interview I do I’m getting asked how I feel about Amy. It’s starting to really p%#s me off. I really like Amy and am totally supportive of her. “Why do people always try to play women off against each other? Or why not create a rivalry between the boys? I think there is something seriously wrong with this part of our culture.”

Lily makes a good point, but why is she surprised? If there’s no controversy, then one will be created, especially in her case.  It is Lily Allen’s very outspokenness that has helped to make her a household name.  She must know deep down, that this willingness to speak critically and openly would not only bring her attention, but also some negative repercussions.

Her most recent attack was shot at the Beckhams, David and Victoria.  Lily on the Beckhams:

“We are bombarded with fashion mags and gossip mags with rich pop stars and Victoria Beckhams with their new handbags and kids think that’s the sort of life they should have.”

That’s what we here in the states call: keeping up with the Joneses.  It’s what drives our capitalist society, and quite honestly, it’s what makes us great.  Our greed and need to have EVERYTHING.  All in all, that’s one of the more insightful things Ms. Allen has said.

Last week Lily blasted our President Bush in concert when she got drunk while performing in San Diego.  Here’s an excerpt of what happened:

The ‘Smile’ singer, after guzzling beer and cider onstage during the concert, attacked Bush for being an “a**ehole and a c**t” before turning her ire on Brit PM Tony Blair and calling him a “c**t’s bitch”.  Allen then had people gaping when she declared that she was “probably bisexual”, and that she was tired of men with “tiny d***s”. She also said that San Diego has the best crack whores she’d ever seen, and that she was thinking of becoming a lesbian.

I totally know how she feels.  San Diego’s crack whores are THE BEST. 

Anyway, this is typical of the cherubic-faced Allen.  She’s gone off on Sir Bob Geldolf, Madonna, Pete Doherty, MTV and James Blunt to name a few. Not that I blame her, they are all a bunch of tossers.  But with that kind of “mouthy” track record she has no place to complain about people wanting to create a rivalry from fellow Brit singer and total drunk Amy Winehouse. 

In truth, I am totally psyched about this British Invasion; drunk chicks who sing, crackheads who date cokewhore models, metrosexual soccer players and their pimped out wives - and who knew Tony Blair was a total b*itch.  A total hot b*tch at that!

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