Sometimes it’s difficult NOT to feel sorry for Brooke Hogan, daughter of fake-wrestling legend Hulk Hogan and creepy-cougar mom Linda Hogan. Not only did Brooke get the raw end of the stick genetics wise, but she’s constantly forced to defend every single member of her immediately family a little too often.

Brooke gets a bad rap in the tabloids for being a hulking she-male (pun intended), but given what she has to work with, she does the best she can. Girlfriend’s like 10-feet tall and built like an Amazon, but she also, for being a giant, has a nice figure. It’s like a normal well-built woman’s figure, just on a much larger scale. So, you’d think, knowing she has this disadvantage, she’d be careful not to date a guy smaller than she is. Well, in this case, he’s not only smaller, but I think he’s special, if you know what I mean.

Brooke’s new man goes by the name Stack$. No, you read that right. Our buddy Stack$ looks like some kind of confused wangster, but with a lame ghetto name. And predictably, he’s some kind of rapper, so there you go. But something about this dude is off. He reminds me of those sad cases of fetal alcohol syndrome babies, but all grown up. I can’t put my finger on it, but I am guessing Stack$ wore a helmet in school and rode the short bus. This makes me sad

But not as sad as watching Brooke practically pick him just to kiss him. It’s like when my kid plays with her Barbie dolls, but instead of having Barbie kiss a Ken doll, she’s using a little troll doll, minus the hair. Which to be honest, Stack$ could really use. Stack$’ naked head is straight out of my nightmares.

That’s it, all I got. Oh, and the above pics (courtesy of Dlisted) were taken on the set of Brooke’s new music video. Yes, apparently she just keeps trying. *sigh*

It’s been a while since I’ve done a post on the Hogans, any of them, and so I thought it was time I checked out what America’s favorite dysfunctional family was up to.  Let me tell you right now, I am sorry I ever turned over this particular rock.  Quick, put it back!

Brooke Hogan has never been what one might call…um…well, smart, but I truly didn’t think she would exist in such an oxygen-deprived vacuum as to not even know who the Republican vice-presidential candidate is:

INTERVIEWER GUY:  Can we get your thoughts on Sarah Palin?

BROOKE HOGAN:  Who’s that?

IG:  That’s the vice-presidential candidate for John McCain.

BH:  Oh, that’s really bad that I don’t know that, isn’t it?

Well, at least she admits it.  One thing I’ve always stressed is to know your shortcomings.  It hurts less that way.

But wait…Brooke does have a candidate in mind to vote for, although she might have to use a write-in ballot:

BH:  Everybody knows, though, that I’m not very keen on, like, voting and stuff.  You know who I’m voting for?  I’m voting for God, because He’s in the party of freedom, dude.

There you have it.  I really don’t think God needs Brooke Hogan stumping for Him, though.  I’m pretty sure He has it under control.

Brooke also encourages others to get out there and vote…well, except for her, because that is an action that she admitted earlier she wasn’t too “keen” on:

BH:  …I totally support young kids voting, whether it’s in, y’know, voting for class president or voting for a real President.  I think that, I think every young person should vote and be, uh, knowledgeable on it.  I’m just not because I’ve been working so much…

I guess that explains it.

Do I really need to elaborate further?  Let’s face it, this sort of thing just kind of writes itself.  Exactly the sort of post I need for a Friday!

Apparently Brooke Hogan can’t apply her own suntan oil, so she has daddy Hulk do it for her.  I take it they didn’t read my post the other day about the dangers of being fair and getting too much sun.  Oh yeah, and this is just creepy to look at.

Very few photos make me literally jump with surprise and fright, but these did.

Apparently Brooke got over her feelings of betrayal that her daddy was boinking her best friend…

They seem to be doing pretty well at playing happy families, although perhaps they should have taken this scene indoors.

What else can I say about these?  I need to go wash out my eyes with some Mercurochrome or something.

For all of you who praised Nick Hogan Bollea Whatever and his family for visiting John Graziano in the hospital, where he lays in a coma after the horrific auto accident caused by Nick, I offer Exhibit A…the Graziano family, who are sick and tired of the Hogan family using their son as a publicity stunt:

Linda, Brooke and Nick Bollea are no longer welcome at the hospital bedside of John Graziano.

That’s because the trio went to the hospital on Valentine’s Day with gifts, and images of their arrival showed up on celebrity news Web sites, the Graziano family’s attorneys said Wednesday.

“We believe that it was a total (public relations) stunt,” said attorney Kimberley Kohn.

Dang…don’t these people ever wear just normal jeans and t-shirts?  Is that what people wear to the hospital nowdays?  “Oh, this stuff?  Yeah, we totally dress like this to sit around the house and run errands.  It certainly isn’t for a photo op.  High heels are so comfy to shop in and wear on slick hospital floors!”

It seems that when the Hogan trio went to visit John, laden down with goofy presents that he wouldn’t see (after all, the man is in a coma…while he might be able to hear and feel touches, he certainly isn’t looking around) and chocolates that he wouldn’t be eating, photos of their “good deed” ended up on various celeb websites.  The feeling is that this bunch needs all the good press it can get, seeing as how daddy Hulk can’t keep it in his pants, mom Linda is coming across as a terrible mother, and Brooke and Nick are…well, Brooke and Nick.  Do I really have to explain that one?

This news is far removed from the original statements released by the Grazianos at the time of the accident:

“My son John has been very close to the Bollea family for over six years,” she wrote. “They are like extended family. Since day one of this nightmare, they have been with us physically, emotionally, mentally and financially.”

She added that Hulk, his wife, Linda, and Nick have been with the family at the hospital every day praying for John’s recovery and offering food and support.

“They came and faced our family and friends not knowing what response they would get,” said Graziano.

It seems that the family has finally had enough of the Hogans, just like the rest of the world:

Whether a lawsuit will be filed in the wreck is a question of when, not if, the family’s attorneys said. The family faces “astronomical” costs to care for Graziano in the future, attorneys said.

Whatchoo gonna do, brutha, when your thang on the side tells all about you!

It’s bad enough when your father decides to do a little boinking on the side, it’s worse when it turns out to be one of your friends.  That’s the dilemma facing Brooke Hogan, because it seems her father, famous wrestler/reality TV star/permissive overindulgent father Hulk Hogan, did just that:

According to a tabloid report, Hulk Hogan, who is divorcing Linda Bollea after nearly twenty-five years of marriage, cheated on his wife with a female friend of his teen daughter Brooke.

Thirty-three year old Christiane Plante, who worked with nineteen year old Brooke on her 2006 LP, has confessed to her affair with the fifty-four year old dad of her friend in a snitching report with The National Enquirer.

Christine claims the affair took place in 2007 while the family was shooting their VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best:

“My relationship with Terry began at a time when Terry and Linda privately knew their marriage was ending. She had left him already, although no official papers had been filed. Terry is a good man, good father and a good friend, and he and I grew close at a time when he was going through a very difficult period. It seemed right then, but I know it was wrong. Having felt the guilt and pain build up, I gave a note to Brooke apologizing for my actions. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for this. I have lost an amazing friend.”

Hopefully the money she received for the interview she did with the National Enquirer will ease the pain she feels.  After all, nothing says “I’m sorry for banging your dad” like a few hundred thousand dollars worth of tell-all interview.  Unless it’s chocolates.

According to Perez, Brooke is rather upset about the whole thing:

Apparently Brooke is so distraught, she has even posted this ominous entry on her official blog.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

hey….
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life

I’m going through one of the hardest issues i’ve ever had to deal with in my life…please keep me and my family in your prayers…. I’m continuing work in the studio… I’m sure my writing will reflect my state of mind at the moment. I need all the support i can get. thank you…

love you much,
b

Wonder what she’s referring to????

We’re there for ya Brookie!

Update: Brooke also posted the following blog but later deleted it!!!!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

i never thought…

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

When your best friend and one of your closest family members that you have loved unconditionally since your first day on this earth, betrays you together, you could MAYBE find it in yourself to forgive one day… but you will NEVER forget the hurt they caused you and how it hurt the people who mean the most to you…its the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed. And worse to know you can never trust the one you should be able to…

 

“I never thought.”  Yeah, let’s stop right there, because that seems to be the motto of the Bolleas.  Maybe they should engrave that on the family crest, along with two crossed muscular arms, a wrecked automobile, a crushed beer can, a bottle of spray-tan, and a syringe of steroids.

Seriously…after all those steroids over the years, having an affair with the Hulkster is probably like trying to get it on with a jellybean.

There’s a new monster movie coming out in January by Lost creator JJ Abrams called Cloverfield. Using viral marketing and annoying secretiveness they have generated an absurd amount of interest. Except for me, I don’t really care. The best Godzilla movies were made long ago and no amount of cgi is going to change that. The film is set in New York and mimics the 9/11 terrorist attacks New Yorkers endured, including insulting scenes of the Statue of Liberty being raped by a big skyscraper sized gila monster. I am against raping large historic figures, even those given to us by those cheese-eating Francophiles.

Anyways, many a rumor has been generated about what kind of monster will eat NY in this new movie, as Abrams has hinted his inspiration came after visiting Japan and seeing a Godzilla-type creature with his son. Who knows if any of that is true. But, after doing some extensive and exhaustive investigation I have discovered what I think might be the monster. There is very little warning I can give you for what you are about to witness and I am sorry for those with weak hearts who may be stricken by sudden heart failure, but rest assured, this is only a photo and there is no real danger from the monster known as Brooke Hogan.

Sadly, just moments after this photo was taken, the innocent human standing next to Brooke was eaten. Remember, Hollywood is a dangerous place.

Ever wonder what your favorite celebrity wears for Halloween?  Wonder no more, we here at GlossLip have scoured the world searching for your favorite star trick-or-treater!  See who gets the good candy after the jump!

Rattle Dem Bones Skeleton.

LED Fog Lights.

Pimp Daddy Mooch-A-Lot.

1957 Edsel.  “The Thrill Starts With The Grill“

Ethel Merman.

Zombie Raccoon: Mascara’s Revenge

Britney, The “Oops, I Did It Again And Forgot My Pants” Era.

STD Treatment Barbie and Estilo Detroit Ken.

Benjamin Franklin.

The Statue Of Slutity.

Sorry, I couldn’t find one of Paris in costume, so you’ll have to settle for her regular clothes.

Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Gimme something good to eat!

Like an ethereal goddess of yore, Brooke Hogan’s grace, poise and natural beauty is breathtaking. Here we see Brooke at her most natural attending the much coveted Fox reality Channel’s Reality Awards event last night.

Her fresh-scrubbed glow awash in salt-of-the-earth goodness. Who needs five pounds of makeup and a dress from the Siegfried and Roy collection? Not Brooke, she’s a regular nubile princess, unspoiled, unsullied and just the way G*d made her.

Sublime.