Save Money – Live Worse, ALWAYS.

Two top stories on CNN right now feature the greatest place to buy the crappiest of crap in crapdom. Don’t get me wrong, I am forced to spend my stimulus checks at Walmart too, but I am not happy about it. Over the years, after discovering how sub-par many of the products are and how much of the merchandise comes from China (virtually 90% based on my expert analysis) I have been going to Target more and more. Plus, Target has a better level of customers. Think I am being a snob – read this:

“People of Wal-Mart,” a gag started by two 20-something brothers and their buddy to share crazy pictures with their friends, has gone viral. Promoted largely on sites like Digg and Funny or Die — and linked ad nauseam on Facebook and Twitter — the site picked up enough traffic to crash its servers on Wednesday.

“I’m still baffled — I really am,” said Andrew Kipple, 23, one of the creators of the site, who said his team was frantically working Wednesday to add enough server space to handle the surge in traffic.

Photos on the site, sent in by viewers all over the United States, frequently feature overweight people wearing tight clothes, bizarre hairstyles (with versions of the short-in-front, long-in-back “mullet” leading the pack) and fashion crimes ranging from furry leg warmers to miniskirts that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination.

So what inspired these two brothers to take their keen observation of the cultural phenomenon to the web? Hot messes of course:

Andrew and his brother Adam, 25, said they thought of the site after a visit to a South Carolina Wal-Mart where they saw a woman they believed to be a stripper, wearing an obscene T-shirt and leading a toddler in a harness. Around the next corner was a man with a beard reminiscent of the rock band ZZ Top.

“It’s kind of like the light bulb went off,” Andrew said. “We get the e-mails already from people who are like, ‘Why didn’t I think of this?’ We just happened to be fortunate enough to have the ability to actually follow through on it.”

While not every Walmart is as culturally rich in inappropriate attire and poorly executed hairstyles, the ones in the rural/and or southern parts of the country seem to attract an inordinate number of misfits. Cheap, poorly made goods in a consumer obsessed society is bound to have side effects and there’s no good reason we shouldn’t poke fun at these folks, many of whom live in very secluded little segments of this great country. Despite the internet’s ubiquity, there are still people who think a mullet, a wife beater and white socks and dress shoes is a fashion “do.”

So, VIVA WALMART!

Now, the bad Walmart News.

But wait, there’s more…

No, Michael Jackson isn’t going to be buried on the moon. But it wouldn’t surprise me one iota and perhaps LA would agree to pay for that too. *snicker*
Now I promised myself that I wasn’t going to write anything about Michael Jackson, because he is in every tabloid, on every TV channel and everything else in between. I turn on the TV… Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, a newspaper… Jackson, a magazine…. Jackson, the Internet… Jackson. Look up at the moon… Jackson. Wait! Huh? 
Yes the Lunar Republic Society has renamed a crater on the moon in memory of Jackson. Ok, that’s freakin’ it!  The world has spun off it’s axis.
The crater was previously named Posidonius J.
From The Telegraph, a spokesman for the society said:

 ”The official designation of a Lunar crater is a singular honour bestowed upon only a select few luminaries.
“Among those receiving this rare tribute over the past century are Leonardo da Vinci, Christopher Columbus, Sir Isaac Newton, Julius Caesar and Jules Verne.”

Evidently, the Lunar Republic Society felt that Jackson was a luminary and deserved the same honor as Columbus the explorer, Newton who discovered gravity and was a brilliant physicists, and da Vinci who painted the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. Hmmm..Their reasoning is a bit ridiculous, to say the least, but then again, do we really care who the Lunar Republic Society names craters after? I don’t. I really don’t have any plans on going to the moon any time soon. It’s the Society’s reasoning that makes me scratch my head. They can go ahead and name a crater after Steve Urkel for all I care, but please don’t lump him in the same group as da Vinci and Newton. Did I do that???

Now you can’t take away the fact that the world has made Michael Jackson into an icon, and that he will be missed by many. Certainly not by all… but many. Ok, we get it . But can we all move on now? PLEASE?
Everyone knows what happens from here. All the admiration in the tabloids will now turn to finger pointing, more scandal, people coming forward with new evidence, writing stories,books, movies, new clothing line, new music releases that were never heard, people wearing sparkly gloves again and then Ben and Jerry’s will name an ice cream after him and then I will move to the moon. 
Trust me, this Jackson mania is only the tip of the iceberg ladies and gents. It’s going to get a whole lot uglier from here.

So remember, the next time you are looking  up at the moon while eating your Ben and Jerry’s Marshmallow Mocha Moonwalk… there is a crater named Michael Joseph Jackson located in the Lake of Dreams, sitting right next to the 1,200 acre parcel that Jackson purchased for himself  previously  in 2005. *sighs* 
Take me back to the day, when I thought the moon was made of cheese.

WHORE PIT VIPERS!!!

When the Apprentice first aired, I was mildly interested and watched it for a while. I liked the challenge of putting myself in the contestant’s shoes and would try to figure out my plan of assault on the tasks given by “The Donald”.  *cringe* We’ll get to him later.

I lost interest in the show, when it turned into Celebrity Apprentice. In the beginning, I thought “Oh! this will be interesting!” But eh, it wasn’t. It was more about what celebrity had the best connections or BFF’s who can contribute the most money. The celebrities were often paired with Olympic gold medal winners or sports figures, and just recently, a champion poker player. And although these people may be well know in their own circles, they didn’t possess the networking connections that some of the stars had, and so I thought the whole thing was kind of dumb. 

A perfect example was during last season’s show, when Stephen Baldwin called his bro Alec to come down and fork over a few thou for Stephen’s team. Where’s the competition and sportsmanship in that? I preferred it when the regular people had to duke it out and not be able to pick up a phone for help. It made the challenge much harder to achieve, and of course, most didn’t have the egos that these stars have — with the exception of the still un-famous (or should I say infamous) Omarosa. Ick!

“Celebrity Apprentice” turned the show into nothing more than a ”PR for the star” show, with one redeeming quality of a charity benefiting in the end from the winner.

NBC has signed “The Apprentice” for another season starting next spring, and I won’t be tuning in then either. But there one was thing that happened during this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice” which really piqued my interest. I caught a clip on E! Online of  this season’s star contestants, Melissa Rivers (who I always felt looked like the love child of Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, no offense Steven) AND her Siamese-twin mom Joan Rivers having total hissy fits.

The mother/daughter duo became incensed when Melissa was fired by the Donald. I have to admit, I find so much enjoyment out of watching a good train wreck every now and then. It always makes me feel better about me and my own family. Especially when it involves two people that already make my skin crawl.  So I watched the whole four minute clip and it was without a doubt, four minutes of some of the best  “Bitchdom” I have seen in a while.

Melissa turned into a giant BITCH BALL. (a lovely term my family uses on me when I am being…well…a bitch ball) And, not surprisingly, Joan didn’t fair any better. Now, this is going to get ugly, so if you are “Rivers” fans, you may want to leave. Buh-bye!

The mother-daughter duo from hell obviously agreed to be on the show together. Natch, because everyone knows they are welded at the hip. Initially, I was surprised Joan could tear herself away from QVC, where she is the queen of hawking her overpriced gawd-awful JUNK jewelry, sunglasses, handbags AND makeup. Every time I am flipping through the channels, there’s Joan telling Juanita in Oklahoma how stunning she will look in her “On Trend Must Have Tailored Strap Watch”.

So why would Joan agree to be on “Celebrity Apprentice” and miss those golden opportunities to whore herself on QVC?  Free promotion of course!!

Joan has a line of jewelry, appropriately titled ” Board Room Collection” to hock and what better place to hock it.  QVC ’s website shamelessly lists the air times for “Celebrity Apprentice” and you can also vote on which necklace Joan should wear on the show! I kid you not.

PA-LEASE PEOPLE GET A LIFE! 

So there’s that PR I was telling you about. After all, doesn’t everyone want to wear giant plastic hoops with rhinestones to a board meeting? (And if anyone reading this buys anything from the Board Room Collection, I want 10%  Joan…hey! it only fair! )

I remember way back when Joan and Melissa used to do the commentary from the red carpet. I unfortunately caught an episode once, and it was one of the most sickening displays of nepotism that I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.  They would trash what stars were wearing, and Melissa would be embarrassed to death by her mother’s babbling. Especially after Mumsy had a few nips.  I found it hysterical that these beeyotches had the audacity to poo poo what people were wearing, especially when they don’t have a lick of fashion sense themselves. 

Surely I am not the only one who has noticed that both of their faces have morphed into scary leprechauns with stiff smiles.  Careful ladies, don’t smile too hard, you may just pop a stitch! Joan’s doctor must be one crazy wealthy man with a swimming pool full of botox! Everybody in the pool!

I know Joan jokes about all the face lifts shes had, which IMO has definitely began as an addiction, but one more face-lift for her, and she will be sporting her “hoo-ha” as a goatee on her chin. 

The "Morphing" Begins

So, back to the hissyfits.

But wait, there’s more…

I fondly remember some of Burt’s silly flicks, like Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run, and also his wonderful performance in the still ever so creepy movie, Deliverance. I can still hear those duelin’ banjos. Certainly some of you youngins’ may remember him more as Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

These days however, Burt Reynolds, now 73, is no longer chased by Smokey. (miss you Jackie Gleason *sniff*) Nope! Good ol’ boy Bo “Bandit” Darville is now being chased by the tax man.

Uh oh, better fire up the ‘ol Trans Am Burt!

Burt was a hunk back in the day to many gals, and I have always enjoyed his flirtatious smile and who can forget that infectious high pitched laugh?

Well, I don’t think he’s laughing too much these days.

According to the California Franchise Tax Board’s annual report, Burt owes over $225,000. YOUCH!

CBS2.com is is reporting:

“A spokesman for Burt Reynolds says the actor has paid all outstanding California taxes and should have his name removed from a list of the biggest tax scofflaws. Reynolds’ spokesman, Jeffrey Lane, told The Associated Press on Friday that the 73-year-old actor fully repaid his debt in the 1990s.”

Perhaps a possible explanation, could be his divorce settlement from ex-wife Lonnie Anderson. Burt was quoted as saying:

“I’m paying the third highest alimony and child support in the world. And the only two ahead of me are sheiks,” [and this gem] “Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.”

Oh dear, sounds like Burt was tired of reachin’ deep into his pockets. PERIOD.

As Newsday article states:

State Controller John Chiang, who also is chairman of the Franchise Tax Board, said the annual list, intended to pressure those with large bills to pay up, represents only a fraction of the $6.5 billion in personal income taxes that go unpaid each year.

In addition to paying the taxes, names can be removed for several reasons, including filing bankruptcy and arranging installment payments. Names also can be removed when officials deem the debt uncollectible.

Burt is not alone on that list.

But wait, there’s more…

There are no words to describe how disturbingly out of tune and tone deaf Beyonce sounds in this clip from the Howard Stern show. Howard played the live board feed from Beyonce’s performance on the Today show.

As someone who has attempted to sing in public (don’t ask) I know that if you can’t hear yourself it’s easy to go out of tune, so I don’t know what the problem was with Beyonce’s performance, but I think it’s safe to say that what we are hearing in the clip is NOT what the audience heard.

Susan Boyle may be the only human being who can actually sing, because it seems like all the major recording artists out there are lip-syncing, and their natural voices could cause severe damage to your auditory nerve endings.

(via TMZ)

In Madonna’s world, it’s always someone else’s fault. Such is the power you wield when you are a super-famous gazillionaire. And when Madonna falls off a horse, clearly, someone other than Madonna is at fault, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Last weekend Madonna fell off her horsey (her 2nd of such incidents) while visiting in the Hamptons. News reports, including CNN, considered this a major headline despite Madonna’s camp stating that her injuries were minor. Madonna and her PR pimps told anyone who would listen that a photog jumped out the bushes and startled her horse, which is why it threw her off. But according to police reports and the photog himself, he was nowhere NEAR Madonna when this happened. Maybe he’s also responsible for this and this?

Now, Liz Rosenberg, Madonna’s spokeswhore says Madonna didn’t tell the officers what really happened during the incident, because she had fainted, TWICE and was in no condition to tell them what she saw. Uh huh. Of course, after an injury like that, you’d think Madonna would take it easy. Think again, her trainer says it’s back to pumping iron for the Material Girl.

She was discharged hours later but Madonna’s representative, Liz Rosenberg, claimed the singer would undergo “further tests and continues to remain under observation by doctors.”

However, Madonna’s trainer Tracy Anderson insists the Material Girl’s injuries are minimal and would not disrupt her exercise schedule as she prepares for the summer jaunt of her ongoing Sticky and Sweet world tour.

Anderson told Usmagazine.com on Monday, “She’s going to be fine. She fell on her butt. She’s fine.

“We’re going to train tomorrow. We have our set training. She’s like a professional athlete. She can’t mess around with her training. I mean, she has to be able to perform in front of 70,000 people who are sucking the life out of her, and she’s singing and dancing. There are no shortcuts when you’re training in that way.”

Which is it, so injured she needs observation (’cuz they are sticking with their pap bushes story) or “fine” and ready for action?

To make a long story short, Madonna’s big fat ego was too big for the poor horse to take, it threw them both off its back and now Madonna is telling stories to save face. How sad is that?

I almost feel sorry for Madonna, she can’t even take a spill without lying about it. Imagine being married to someone that full of themselves? Guy Richie deserves some kind of saintly stature for his duties to mankind.

But what they ended up with was Big Bang Fact:  If one uses enough explosives, one will rock a town:

“It was a boom that was just — I had never heard anything like that before, it was really weird,” said Sherril Stephens.

The explosion was so big it shook the town of Esparto, knocking Stephens off her couch and breaking her front window.

“Course all the neighbors ran out into the street. We didn’t know what was going on,” said Paul Williams, who heard the explosion.

Some people said they thought it was a plane crash, others, a house explosion.

The smoke and dust rose from the site about a mile from town.

It turns out the Discovery channel’s Mythbusters were taping an episode there.

They were trying to literally “knock the socks off” a mannequin by igniting 500 pounds of ammonium nitrate. But the explosion was a lot bigger than they expected.

“It felt like a house blew up, straight up,” said Paul Williams.

Williams was working at local school when he said he heard and felt the big boom.

“We were just scrambling to find out what was going on because we got kids out on the playground,” Williams said.

Williams said the school and others in town should have been notified the blast was going to happen.

Chief Barry Burns, of Esparto Fire Department, had several firefighters on hand for the explosion. He said he made the decision not to notify anyone in town for safety sake.

“Mythbusters is supposed to be a really popular show. Everybody would have been out there. We would have had to cancel it because it would have been too dangerous,” Burns said.

For most people like Stephens they don’t mind the inconvenience.

Stephens’ window was replaced that same day compliments of Mythbusters.

“It was fun, really fun,” Stephens said.

Now, she said she can’t wait to see the show.

Mythbusters told KCRA 3 they replaced a handful of broken windows.

There is no word on when the episode they taped there will air.

Hay guize…I got some windows that could do with some replacing that I can’t afford to have done, so if you ever want to tape an episode where you blow something up in a cornfield surrounded by more cornfield, feel free to give me a holla, okay?  (brosnanfan (at) gmail (dot) com)

I know that the video (the sound cuts out towards the end, I don’t know why, it isn’t my video, who are you to judge???) is not of the explosion mentioned in the article, but it is cool nonetheless, and it is one of my favorites…of course, featuring the exploding pen from GoldenEye.  What did you expect from me?  How long you been reading here?

That’s all I got.  And remember…please don’t try this at home.  We’re what you call experts.  I’m outta here!

 
Well, if you’ve ever seen your dream of modeling quashed by the fact that you’re too short AND you happened to be caught up in a riot that took place when an overheating car was mistaken for a car bomb which of course caused models to start beating up on each other, now’s your chance.  After the stampede on Saturday, show diva Tyra Banks vowed that the show will go on:

“To all the `Top Model’ hopefuls who were affected by the New York casting, we are doing everything we can to make sure that ALL the girls who weren’t seen, get an opportunity to audition — we’ll update you on our plans very soon,” Banks said in a statement issued Monday by the CW network.

So just what started the frenzy in the first place?

“The producer of the show didn’t notify the NYPD, so there were no cops specifically assigned there,” a police official told the New York Daily News about the lack of a police presence at the event. “They needed to alert the police before the event.”

New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg also weighed in on the situation and seemed to imply that police had not been properly informed of the large crowd of auditioners that were going to be present:

“If you’re going to have an event where there’s the remotest chance that the crowd is going to be bigger than you expect … call the precinct and make sure they know,” he told the Daily News in a Monday report. [...]

The wild scene occurred outside Manhattan’s Park Central New York Hotel — where the casting call for the CW reality modeling competition was being held — on Saturday after hundreds of people began running from the scene after a car began smoking in the street near the crowd of waiting auditioners that were packing the sidewalks outside the hotel.

According to eyewitnesses, the stampede began after false rumors that the vehicle contained a bomb began circulating through the crowd.

“People were really freaking out about the smoke,” Sedrick Myrtil, the overheated car’s 21-year-old driver, told the Daily News. “There was pandemonium, and the cops got really upset about my car.”

Two people were sent to the hospital while four other declined treatment for injuries. Additionally, two women and a man were arrested for disorderly conduct while the audition was shut down by police as well.

With the casting call, which was only open to women who were 5′7 or shorter, canceled, some of the girls who had waited on the line for their chance to get onto the show are now asking for a second casting call to be scheduled so they can get a second chance at stardom.

“I want Tyra to realize that we were cheated, and it wasn’t fair,” auditioner Babyann Hernandez told the Daily News. “I’m tired, angry, hurt, confused, and I didn’t even get to try out.”

Maybe I could have cut that last part out, but come on…Babyann?  I had to use that.  I mean srsly.  You would too, and you know it.

Okay, people, let’s all stop and take a deep breath and calm down a minute.  I just have one thing to say:  You’d be working with Tyra Banks.  The woman who said this:

“I think I was put on this earth to instill self-esteem in young girls,” says Tyra.

And then sent contestants on ANTM to Amsterdam to pose in a shop window and let male judges decide who was best at “selling herself”…because nothing says “high self-esteem” like posing in an Amsterdam window.  This, after many episodes on her syndicated talk show about the emotional trauma faced by those women and girls caught up in the world of prostitution.  How about a show about the emotional trauma faced by those caught up in the world of Tyra?

By the way, if you watch the video clip all the way to the end, you’ll be rewarded. You know that whole self-esteem thing Tyra said above? I think I just got a boost, because while I’m not model material at least I can put sentences together coherently. “Yeah, ummm, pick me, because, um, I like didn’t start, um, the riot or nothin’, um, like, so, yeah [hairflip].”

Finally, Oprah and I are on the same page, at least as far as Rihanna is concerned. The Big O said that Rihanna should take some time out and “heal yourself first, love doesn’t hurt. If a man hits you once, he will hit you again.” Amen sister.

Fortunately for Chris Brown, the always wise and diplomatic k wrote about last week’s hearing in Los Angeles, where Chris Brown did NOT enter a plea on the two felony charges brought against him for the February 8th altercation between he and girlfriend/singer Rihanna. Because had I written about it, well, there would have been more expletives, less wisdom and WAY more hostility (and likely more spelling and grammar errors, but who’s counting.)

Here’s the thing, I thought Chris Brown was a massive jerk BEFORE I read the official statement from Rihanna stating what went down (read statement after the jump), but AFTER I read it, only one thought came to mind: Chris Brown’s going to hurt Rihanna again, and the next time it will be much, much worse. Next time, she’ll be dead. What Brown did to Rihanna was in the Ike Turner realm of domestic abuse. This was no slap fight or war or words, this was the real deal. When you heap on the public humiliation and the felony charges, Chris will hold nothing back when he takes it out on Rihanna. Oh how I pray I wrong, though I know I am not.

All I need to know about Chris Brown’s capacity to improve can be found in the way he’s handled this crisis from the beginning. First he left the scene, leaving his girlfriend, the woman he claims to love, bloody, bruised and alone. Brown’s second snafu was releasing the most poorly executed excuse for an apology since Bill Clinton claimed he never had sex with that woman. This, after waiting almost a week to do so. To add insult to injury, Brown was then seen out having a grand old time with nary a care in the world, while making clandestine arrangements to meet with Rihanna, despite her family’s request he let her alone.

To sum it up, Brown hasn’t acted like a man attempting to make amends and do what’s best for the woman he beat the living hell out of, but rather, Brown’s acted like a man out to salvage what’s left of his career. While I am usually the last one to suggest anyone listen to Oprah’s often pretentious advice, it’s nice to see at least one celebrity step up to the plate and say it like it is. Kudos to you Ms. Winfrey.

Brown’s a violent young man, with violent tendencies, who has been escalating his violence throughout his relationship with Rihanna. We already know that Rihanna has shown a serious lapse in judgment by her willingness to see Brown so soon after the violent altercation, but as rumor becomes reality, it seems she is now unwilling to press charges and is making steps towards getting back with him. She does so at her own peril

The recidivism rates for domestic abusers is high, with at least 1/3 returning to their abusive behavior AFTER completing treatment programs, and as high as 1/2 repeating the behavior who HAVEN’T been treated, and here’s the clincher: The men most likely to return to violence are on average younger, report alcohol problems, score higher for narcissism (excessive self-involvement) on psychological tests, and have longer histories of pretreatment violence.

We know Chris has shown major narcissistic tendencies (plus he’s a celeb), he’s young (only 19) and has a history of domestic abuse and prior assaults in his background. Rihanna, the cards are stacked against you, it’s not a matter of if, but when and how violent will the next assault be. Rihanna, you aren’t just letting your family and fans down, but yourself. Any self-respecting person knows when to walk away from a hurtful situation. Please, PLEASE rethink your decision. Don’t take my word for, talk to living legend Tina Turner, she’ll set you straight. In the meantime, I won’t be buying any of your music until you come to your senses. I hope your other fans follow suit.

But wait, there’s more…

NSFW – for reals.

It’s probably wrong that I think this is the greatest song ever and will likely induce a fair amount of violence and road rage, but the remix of Christian Bale’s “Terminator Tirade” gives me the giggles AND makes me want to dance.

Personally, my favorite part is the dripping sarcasm. If I wasn’t such a language prude (*cough, bs, cough*) I would totally use this to replace all of my usual conversations with those in my life. I am f*cking serious, what don’t you f*cking understand? I’ll f*cking kick your f*cking a**! Seriously, you and me, we’re done professionally!!!

Ok, I promise, I am done with this subject.

For today.

Oh, and at least one other person besides me is defending Christian. According to E! News the Asst. Director on the Terminator flick said Christian was just being arty and stuff, and that’s what real artists do:

Although Bale’s behavior makes us think twice about taking tea with the Brit, let alone working with him, Bruce Franklin, an assistant director and associate producer on the fourth Terminator film, tells E! News that Bale, a “consummate professional,” just had a bad day.

“If you are working in a very intense scene and someone takes you out of your groove…It was the most emotional scene in the movie,” said Franklin. “And for him to get stopped in the middle of it. He is very intensely involved in his character. He didn’t walk around like that all day long. It was just a moment and it passed.

“This was my second movie with Christian, and it has always been a good experience with him,” added Franklin, who also worked with the actor on 2000’s Shaft. “He is so dedicated to the craft. I think someone is begging to make some noise about this, but I don’t think it’s fair. The art of acting is not paint by numbers, it’s an art form.

See, that’s what I said, dude’s just being an artist. I also said something about doing dirty things to him to, but I was just being nice…and biased.

What? Shut the eff or I will kick you effing ass!