If I were Sir Paul, I’d make sure the family bunny rabbit stays securely locked up.

Heather Mills has brought her special brand of crazazy to town again…yes, and this time she is setting her sights on Sir Paul’s new woman:

Barmy Heather Mills has vowed revenge on Sir Paul McCartney - by wrecking his new romance.

Heather fears he may start a new family with Nancy Shevell,47, and snub daughter Bea, four.

The bitter ex-model, 40, even plans to phone her to warn her off-yet outrageously claims she will be doing it for Nancy’s good. A pal revealed: “Heather’s threatening to call and explain the dangers of dating a Beatle.

“She had hell with the public hating her and reckons Nancy could too. Heather genuinely thinks she’s doing Nancy a good turn.”

Bitter, party of one!

Heather is reportedly incensed because Sir Paul told her that he and Nancy were just friends, but they were spotted on a romantic getaway to Antigua swimming, boating, and rubbing sunscreen on each other:

Heather’s lawyer Gloria Allred has claimed she wishes her ex-husband “all the best in his new relationship”.

But her friend told how the pleasantries hid a seething fury - and Heather felt “deceived and betrayed” because Macca told her he and Nancy were just pals. The source added: “She went ballistic when she found out. She’s also terrified they’re planning a baby - even though Nancy’s not far off 50 - and thinks another child will detract from Beatrice.”

Um, no, Heather…I think you’ve already covered the “Marry And Be Impregnated By A Former Beatle So You Can Get Even More Money” angle.  Besides, the woman is almost fifty years old…yes, she could possibly get pregnant, but why would she want to?

With every move Heather makes, she comes across as more and more crazy.  There’s just no other way to put it.  Seriously…calling up your ex-husband’s girlfriend to “warn” her of the dangers of dating him?  Maybe if the ex-husband were Charles Manson, but Sir Paul McCartney?  I think the only real danger for Nancy is confusing some of his primo weed with the parsley.  I can see Sir Paul wanting Heather to know about his new woman for Beatrice’s sake (common with divorced parents), but other than that he has no obligation whatsoever to keep Heather updated on anything in his life.  That’s why they’re called EXES, Heather…you’re an EX-wife.

And what is this worrying that a new, hypothetical baby from a possibly menopausal woman would take attention away from Beatrice?  Does she forget that he has other children as well?  Have they taken away any attention from Beatrice?  Besides, there is no child yet, and the chances of their being one is probably slim to none…yet Heather has chosen to get all het up about a baby that hasn’t even been concieved nor is likely to!

I wonder how long it will take before Sir Paul decides to seek full custody of Bea?  (my answer…not soon enough)

Nancy, we’ve traced the call…it’s coming from…HEATHER!!!  <dramatic music>

Oh, the hits just keep coming from our favorite peg-legged British hoooooah.  (Anyone who saw her rant on British morning television will get that last one.)  Turns out that while she lambasted Sir Paul for not giving their daughter Beatrice enough money to fly “A” class (I assume that is first class), it is actually Heather who is relegating her to the back of the plane:

Mucca slammed ex Sir Paul McCartney on Monday for forcing the four-year-old to travel “B Class” after their bitter divorce — while he flew “A Class”.

She haughtily vowed to pay for Beatrice’s first-class travel herself.

But details obtained by The Sun show the one-legged gold-digger has ALREADY failed to live up to her pledge.

Heather, dubbed Pornocchio after her divorce judge branded her a scheming liar, jets to New York this weekend to rest after her court war with ex-Beatle Paul, 65.

But she is sending Bea home early with a minder and nanny in the £409 seats [about $820 USD] at the back of a Virgin jet.

Mucca, 40, will fly to LA the same day for a further three weeks before jetting home alone — in a £3,348 [$6,700 USD] Virgin Upper Class berth. […]

Both are booked in swish Upper Class on an outbound flight from Heathrow as their minder goes economy.

They will be joined days later by a nanny who is booked to jet home with Bea and the minder on another Virgin flight.

Bea’s seat is reserved in the economy section with her companions.

Upper Class and the flight’s Premium Economy cabin showed “wide open” availability yesterday.

Mucca is booked in business class on her Continental Airlines flight from New York to LA.

She is then scheduled to return home on Virgin, again flying Upper Class.

Six. Thousand. Dollars.  For a first class seat for Mucca and her peg leg (no, I’m not picking on the physically handicapped, just Heather), while her daughter, whom she professes to do everything for, flies coach.  According to the divorce papers, Beatrice gets £35,000 [over $70,000 USD] every year to travel and be with her father.  In this case, little Bea and her minder will be flying from New York back to merry olde England while her mother stays here in the States, presumably doing business with her lawyer/bulldog Gloria Allred.  What, poor Heather can’t rest in one of her homes?

So let’s do the math.  At $6000 a seat for first class, and two tickets (one for Bea, one for the nanny), that’s about six trips across the pond per year.  But Bea won’t usually be making transatlantic flights…she’ll be going from one end of the UK to another.  The fee for jetting around the UK is probably at least half that.  And little Bea probably won’t be flying all the time…I’ll bet there will be times when daddy will be near enough that he will send a car for her.  Basically, Bea can fly first class…as long as she’s going with her mother, to where her mother wants to go.  However, when it comes time to go see dad, it’s coach.

Have you ever heard of Munchhausen’s Syndrome By Proxy?  Basically (and this is a quick synopsis, not a detailed definition) it’s when parents make up an illness or injury to their child to get attention for themselves, so people will then look at the parent and feel sorry for them and be in awe at how well the parent handles everything under such pressure.  Parents will go so far as to poison or injure their own children in order to keep up the charade so as to get attention for themselves.

I think this is similar to what is going on with Bea (and to so many children of divorced parents), although not with illness or injury but with lifestyle and money.  Heather can now step back and say, “Look at poor little Bea, she has to travel B class to go see her father, the miserable miser,” when the reality is that there is more than enough money there for Bea and her nanny to travel any way they like.  Even if Heather eventually has to make up a little out of her own pocket, she received millions of pounds in the settlement, more than enough to do so…the woman is not headed to the workhouse any time soon, no matter her protestations to the contrary.  And I’ll bet Sir Paul (as many divorced fathers are wont to do) will kick in a little more under the table for his daughter to fly or travel to see him.

But in Heather’s mind, she’s coming out looking like the poor, put-upon, long-suffering ex-wife who must put up with such things in order to let her daughter see her father.  And I’ll bet my cup of hot tea she’s telling her daughter that it’s daddy’s fault that she’s flying in the back of the plane.

Fantasist, indeed.

If you are an Ethan Hawke fan, I recommend you close your browser now, because this won’t be pretty.

Ehthan Hawke and his children’s nanny, Ryan Shawhughes (who’s now pregnant with his child) have been shacking up for a while now, and some (most, actually ALL) people are sure he was dipping into the help, well before the ink was dry on his divorce with ex-wife Uma Thurman.

This, after reported rumors of his marriage being ruined by an alleged affair with aspiring model Jen Perzow. Ethan denies the rumors, but Uma’s alluded to there being some kind of infidelity in the marriage and has said in interviews that her divorce was an “excrucitating” process. Thurman has also said she and Hawke do NOT get along, despite having two children from their union.

So with this history presented, we have a new story where Ethan behaved in a horrific manner recently, ON STAGE, and said some unspeakable things about his ex. Here are the details from New York Magazine’s Savannah Ashour:

Out of nowhere, actor Ethan Hawke hopped up onstage, strapped on an acoustic guitar and bared his soul to the audience. “Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce,” he said. We, along with the rest of the audience, gasped. He was totally talking about himself, and more important, Uma Thurman!

Wait, but didn’t they get divorced seventeen years ago? Who cares, we said to ourselves, because by the way, Ethan looks good. He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about “not caring if [he] ever saw New York again,” “the lawyers,” and — most telling — “my wife.” Uma! “My wife hates me,” he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! “My wife is a big fat beast,” he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: “Yeah, I was very upset at the time.” And still is, we suspect.

Where to begin? Yes, Ethan your wife hates you, and yes you are a prick, and a very small, shallow, unfaithful, stupid, ignorant and clearly very immature pointy headed prick. If you really longed for your kids maybe you should conduct yourself in a more respectable manner than screwing anything that stops long enough for you to hump it, like some nobody model and the woman who was supposed to be baby-sitting your kids, not schtooping you.

Also, not sure what universe you live in Ethan, but Uma has never, ever, not once been a “big fat beast.” An uber-tall, lanky, unique looking woman yes, but a big fat beast? I think not. We’re all sorry you are short Ethan, and lack the foresight in not anticipating your ex-wife ’s less than stellar reaction to you cheating on her, but seriously, STFU!

We get it, it sucks to be you, Ethan. A craggy-faced, hardened, has-been who got his nanny pregnant and thus must deal with the consequences, but don’t take it out on Uma.

You better hope Uma doesn’t use one of her Kill Bill moves on you and crack you the nuts, forever giving you that pained expression you wear in all your pictures since she dumped your cheating ass.

Sore loser.

Give that man an award for Most Obvious Statement This Decade.

Peepaw Martin Sheen is none too happy that his granddaughters are being pimped out by former daughter-in-law Denise “Someone’s tampered wit da bawwwwmb” Richards for her new reality series:

The veteran actor has hit out at the actress’s decision to include his granddaughters in her new reality TV show, branding the move “a mistake”.

Denise, 37, who has been locked in a bitter feud with Charlie since their marriage crumbled in 2006, is opening up her home to film the series for America’s E! network. […]

According to the New York Post’s gossip column Page Six, The West Wing’s Sheen said: “We were hoping they wouldn’t be exposed to that. It’s unfortunate. But she’s of a mind where it’s important to her.

“Maybe she has to get involved with something to realise how big a mistake it is.”

He’s a bit crazazy himself, but he does have a point.  Daddy Charlie Sheen took Denise (voted the Worst Bond Girl) to court last year attempting to stop his daughters’ involvement, but incredibly the judge agreed with Denise and allowed filming to continue.

Charlie has a good idea:

The Two And A Half Men star Charlie, who is now engaged to Brooke Mueller, said last month: “I think we should all just boycott the damn thing.”

I’m no big fan of the man-slut, but he has a point.  If nobody watches, then there is no reason for a show.

Therefore, I propose this:  Don’t just boycott the show, boycott the whole network.  E! has a large network of shows watched by a large number of people.  If people stop watching, maybe it will send a message that we, as a viewing public, do not appreciate having innocent young children (who have no say in the matter) pimped out for public consumption.  Denise is doing this for one reason only…to pad her bank account.

Write, email, call E! and tell them that this will not stand.  These little girls didn’t sign a contract and they didn’t agree to any of this.  They are little children who do not understand the scope of what is actually going on here.  They are two and three years old…how can they make an informed decision?  The only things they should be making a decision about concerning television are whether to watch Sesame Street or Disney Princesses.

Yes, I know that there are many stupid reality shows on E!, but they mostly feature adults who are old enough to consent to what they are doing (well, Keeping Up With The Kardashians has a 9 and 11-year-old, and I don’t agree with that, but there is a big difference between a toddler and a tweenager, and this particular post is about toddlers…I’ll get to the Kardashians another time).  These two little girls have no say.

So far, this link is all I can find for online contact (the “Contact Us” link just takes you to a null page, and the other “Contact Us” link I found opens a page but nothing is on it).  I did find these addresses and phone numbers:

E! Entertainment Television
5750 Wilshire Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Phone:  323-954-2400
Fax:  323-954-2661

Be respectful, be decent, be literate and intelligent, do NOT be stupid or threatening, but be firm in stating that as long as there is a show featuring toddlers who do not have a say in the matter, you will not be tuning in to E!.  Join me!

Total court pwnage.

The judgement in the Paul McCartney/Heather Mills court case has been released to the public, and it’s a doozy.  Along with laying out the extent of Macca’s wealth, it shows just how Heather attempted to milk Sir Paul for all he’s worth.  But the court had one word for her:  FAIL.

You can read the entire 58-page judgement here, but I’ll give you some of the highlights:

But wait, there’s more…

New reports from the UK say that Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, displayed some very unprofessional behavior in court yesterday:

Having thrown a jug of water over Mrs Shackleton at the High Court yesterday, Miss Mills is now threatening to report her to the Law Society for professional misconduct over allegations that she called her names.

Miss Mills threw water over her former husband’s lawyer and then laughingly announced that she had been “baptised in court.” […]

Miss Mills’ water-throwing tantrum was followed by an astonishing 12-minute rant on the court steps.

She accused Mrs Shackleton, nicknamed the “Steel Magnolia”, of “calling me many, many names before even meeting me when I was in a wheelchair”.

According to sources, Miss Mills is planning to report Mrs Shackleton to the Law Society, the body that regulates solicitors, over alleged comments made during negotiations leading up to yesterday’s settlement.

A source said: “Mills believes that Shackleton accused her of trying it on by appearing at one legal meeting in a wheelchair to gain sympathy.

“More than anyone else, Mills felt this woman had a personal grudge against her. She felt personally attacked by Fiona Shackleton.”

Can’t someone do something with this woman?  I mean, seriously…she threw water at a lawyer?  Even if the two weren’t in court at the time, I’d think that would be grounds for some sort of legal action.  And quite frankly, had Heather’s previous lawyer done what Paul’s lawyer did, Heather would be praising them to the skies.  Oh wait.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…having a physical handicap does not automatically make you a wonderful person.  There are able-bodied jerks, and there are jerks in wheelchairs.  Quite frankly, Heather has cried wolf so many times nobody knows when to believe her.  I wouldn’t put it past Heather to try and play up the sympathy factor by using her wheelchair…I’m surprised she didn’t turn up at court yesterday in a full body cast and an IV drip.

It seems Heather had a bit of a temper tantrum:

Miss Mills’ outburst came after she was awarded only a fifth of the £125million she had been seeking.

The £25million settlement amounts to more than £700 for every hour that she was married to Sir Paul.

But she was furious at the judge’s decision to grant his request that the full judgment in the case be made public, and today lost her appeal against the move.

Miss Mills is understood to have hurled a glass of water at Sir Paul’s lawyer after accusing her of “letting down womankind” by representing men in the divorce courts.

Did she throw her strained peas and carrots at the judge, and take off her wet nappy and hurl it at Sir Paul?  And does anyone know what sort of plant is in that baggie he is carrying?

If anyone is in need of psychiatric help, it is Heather Mills.  The woman is her own special brand of crazazy….only now, she’s a rich crazazy.  I say, let her sue the lawyer!  She’ll burn through her divorce settlement in no time racking up legal fees.  That is, what’s left of it after she donates the bulk to charity, as she said she would do.

I’ll also be writing later about the judgement, released today…let’s just say it’s no wonder she fought tooth and nail to keep it out of the public eye.

You’ve heard of people who aren’t happy unless they are unhappy?  I seriously think Heather Mills is one of those people.  Despite getting almost $50M in her divorce settlement from Sir Paul McCartney, Mucca is still ranting away, because that’s what she does best.

Here’s Heather on Sir Paul’s lawyer:

She said: “Fiona Shackleton has very sadly handled this case in the worst manner you could ever imagine. She has called me many, many names before meeting me when I was in a wheelchair.”

On Sir Paul’s financial dealings concerning their daughter, Beatrice:

“Beatrice gets £35,000 [$70,000] a year. She is meant to travel B-class when her father travels A-class.

“Paul has always wanted Beatrice to go to a state school. He insisted that he wanted us to move to that area [East Sussex] - £35,000 includes. £17,000 for school fees.”

“He tried to get our daughter with joint residency, even though we had gone 50-50. In that way he has got everything he wanted, but that’s what powerful people get.”

On the judge in the case:

[T]he former model will appeal against Mr Justice Bennett’s plans to release [the settlement details] in full at a further hearing tomorrow. […]

“He also said that Paul is only worth £400 million. Everyone knows that he has been worth £800 million for the last 15 years.

“Paul has always wanted it public because he wants to look like generous Sir Paul.”

On how she and her daughter have been treated:

“I was locked out of every home. I really hope now that me and my daughter can have a life and not be followed every day. Apart from one television thing I have stayed quiet for 21 months. If the judgment had been kept private I would not be out here speaking.”

And on Macca himself:

Asked if she thought Sir Paul had been “cruel”, she said: “I can’t say that for the sake of my daughter but my sister does.”

Where to start?  First of all, Heather certainly has not been quiet for 21 months.  I don’t think she’s ever been quiet.  If I were Sir Paul, I would have given her more money, all right…I’d have taken a wad of pound notes and shoved them in her mouth just to shut her up for a few minutes.  No wonder he divorced her…if you listened to her “media tour” a few months ago, where she went on TV talk shows all across the UK and US, you heard her annoying bleating about how maligned she is and how she knows secrets that she’s willing to spill.

Personally, I don’t think little Beatrice is going to be traveling coach any time soon.  If my childhood experience with divorce is anything (and my parents were certainly not rich), in my opinion Paul will certainly be shelling out of his own pocket for his daughter, above and beyond the divorce decree.  I personally believe he wants to make sure that his daughter gets the money, and it is put to use for her needs, not her mother’s.

Her passive-aggressive answer to whether she thinks Sir Paul was cruel was telling, as she wanted it to be.  “Oh, I can’t answer that, because I love and respect my daughter too much.  But my sister believes he was, and since I love and respect my sister, you can figure it out for yourselves.”  Poor Beatrice.  To grow up with such a mother.

And spare me the comments about how cruel his lawyer was to her before meeting Heather in a wheelchair.  Gag gag gag…always pulling out the poor “I’m handicapped” schtick.  I got news for you, Mucca…first, she’s a lawyer, and lawyers aren’t generally the warm, fuzzy type.  It’s their job.  And second, even people in wheelchairs can be jerks.  Not everybody with a physical handicap is a wonderful human being, and you are a perfect illustration of that.

I certainly hope Macca has learned a lesson from all this.  She came along at a time when he was grieving for his first wife, sad and lonely and depressed, and she offered him a way up out of the black hole he’d created for himself…minus that annoying baggage known as a prenup, however.  Along the way, however, the dream turned into a nightmare, and he does have to shoulder some of the responsibility.  He made a lot of mistakes.  I’m not saying he’s an angel, and nobody truly knows another person until you’ve spent intimate, quality time with them.  But it does appear that Mucca took advantage of him, not the other way around.

Plus, Sir Paul has maintained a dignified silence throughout this whole matter.  His words yesterday upon leaving court?

Sir Paul left the court quickly, saying simply “thank-you” as he waved to the cameras.

So here’s my question:  Wonder how much of her court winnings she will give to charity, as she promised she would do:

A representative for Mills said to ContactMusic: “Most of the money Heather has ever received goes towards supporting her various charities, the main being Adopt-A-Minefield.

“I cannot comment on what the settlement might be, except that I am certain she wants the vast majority of it to be spent on clearing landmines.

“The way she sees it is that there is no point the money sitting in a bank account gathering dust, the money has to be working.

“The more acres of minefield she can clear, the happier she will be.”

Wonder if she’s happy yet?

Dad Mitch says that he believes his affair while he was still married to Amy’s mother is part of the reason why she’s so screwed up today:

Mitch Winehouse, 57, reveals in a new interview with the BBC that soon after Amy’s birth in 1983, he began cheating on wife Janis with a co-worker, Jane, who became his second wife in 1996. Amy and her brother Alex (born in 1980) knew about the long-running affair.

“The children used to call Jane ‘Daddy’s work wife,’ ” Winehouse says on the program One Life: Rock Star Parents, to be aired next week.

He said he should have left the marriage sooner, and when he finally did Amy “definitely became a lot more independent. … I thought Amy was over [the affair] pretty quickly – in fact it felt at the time Amy felt no effect at all. Maybe she could not articulate it in words, but she certainly did it with music.”

He says her angry song, “What It Is About Men,” refers to his behavior.

“It is easy for me to say it is my fault, and that had I been a better parent this would not have happened. But who knows whether it would or not?” he says.

Well, yeah…you never quite know if something like this is going to negatively affect your children, but it’s a pretty safe bet to say that the behavior of the parents does affect the emotional makeup of the children.  It sounds to me like Mitch is still trying to excuse his behavior.  So, let’s recap…he carried on an affair for quite a long time, let’s assume a decade, and when he finally divorced his wife he didn’t expect that to have an impact on an obviously artistic girl poised on the brink of adolescence?

But then again…it does seem that he is attempting to make things right with Amy.  He has tried again and again to get her into rehab programs (although he, and the rest of the family, have been conspicuously absent from the public eye, at least, since the Grammys), and he and Amy do seem to have a better relationship than they have in the past.  I do understand that things happen which we don’t always plan on and I’m all for not allowing the mistakes of the past cloud the future, as long as the person involved can admit to their behavior without excuses and sugar-coating.

It does seem Amy is not out of the woods yet, though, concerning her health:

Winehouse also says his daughter’s alcohol and drug abuse caused a seizure in August. Further attacks could be life-threatening. “She could die horribly. That is not going to happen – that cannot happen,” he says.

Then he’d better get back to working on her, because she’s been seen snorting vodka and stoned out of her gourd.  Ultimately, though, it is up to Amy, and let’s face it…if she does not want help, she will refuse it at every turn.  And her parents had better prepare for a different sort of ceremony.

You may remember my article on the divorce of rocker chick Pink and motocross champ Carey Hart.  Or maybe not, and that’s okay…my special kind of wit isn’t appreciated by everyone.  So I ran across this little interview that Carey gave, and by the time I finished reading it, I had to ask myself:  Why did they bother?

For the first time, freestyle motocross champion Carey Hart has lifted the veil of silence on the breakup of his marriage to pop-punk princess Pink. Our tattooed hometown hero admitted that they’re still the best of friends and he’s in no hurry to start dating again! […]

Carey told me when we chatted at the opening of Robert DeNiro’s new Ago restaurant in the Hard Rock Hotel: “In fact, it’s too early to go off dating again. Anyway, I have no real interest in that. She is still the love of my life and we remain the best of friends and talk all the time.”

Now, if you remember, Pink and her STBX had what they call an “open marriage”…that’s where the two parties keep the bedroom door open so that anyone can wander in and out.  But while Pink was rethinking this approach (and wanting to add a couple of little Pinkies to the mixture), Carey was busy testing out the limitations of the open-door policy.  And even Pink decided to test the waters with a mystery female, plus she’s been spotted having a bit of fun of her own:

Sitting on the lap of a new man last night, Pink, 28, seemed to be really enjoying herself at Hollywood’s infamous Metal Skool at the Key Club. The duo got superclose and exchanged numbers at the end of the night, in between her performances with the band.

And they also have said that their careers got in the way:

The downfall of the marriage came as a result of careers getting in the way. P!nk has headed back to the studio to work on her music, while Carey is busy opening new nightclubs.

So lemme get this straight.

• Pink and Carey fell in love and got married.
• Pink and Carey decided that an “open” marriage would be best, since Pink was gone so much on tour and she didn’t want Carey to be lonely.
• Pink decided she wanted little Pinkies, Carey decided not so much.
• Pink is busy with her career.
• Carey is busy with his career.
• Pink and Carey decided they were just too busy to be married to each other.
• Pink and Carey decided to get a divorce.
• Pink and Carey are “best friends” and the love of each other’s lives and they talk “all the time”.

Um…HELLO?  If someone is the love of your life and you talk all the time and you’re already married…why bother getting a divorce?  Or if you’re going to not take the time to work at your marriage and blame it on “I’m just too busy,” why bother to get married in the first place?  And since when does “too busy” count as a reason to dissolve the marital bonds?

Marriage is like a tattoo.  Once you get it, even if you get it removed, even if you can’t see it, it’s always there.  Unless, of course, you just don’t bother to pay attention.  After all, what’s a few marriage scars between best friends?

And another one bites the dust.

Add rocker Pink and her motocross hubby Carey Hart to the list of Hollywood marriages doomed to fail because of that old chestnut, Two Careers.  Guess that whole “open marriage” thing (while the cat’s away, the mouse can play…or something like that) didn’t work out so well after all:

Sources close to Carey Hart tell TMZ that the motocrosser is telling people that he and his ex still love each other and “will remain best friends.” The downfall of the marriage came as a result of careers getting in the way. P!nk has headed back to the studio to work on her music, while Carey is busy opening new nightclubs.

TMZ has also learned that Hart is opening the first of his new brainchildren — a spot called “Wasted Space” — at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas in May. The club will be a live music venue that will feature new rock bands — and music legends.

However, this might also have something to do with it:

Just days after Pink’s husband, Carey Hart, was spotted cavorting with a sexy VIP casino host during a debauched weekend in Las Vegas, the singer has announced that the couple are ending their two-year marriage. The split comes as no surprise, as there have been rumors for months that the celebrity couple was on the rocks. Although in August 2007, Carey dismissed the breakup rumors as “just a bunch of trash talk,” Pink’s publicist confirmed to PageSix.com that the couple is in fact divorcing. […]

A source — who was at Tabu Ultra Lounge at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on February 11 with Carey — tells PageSix.com, “The sexy VIP host quickly became the focus of his attention when he arrived at the lounge and the duo were inseparable into the early hours of the morning. He couldn’t stop complimenting her and was intent on talking to her all night long.”

The “Stupid Girls” singer was also seen cavorting with a mystery female on February 7 at Macy Gray’s private showcase at Hotel Café in Los Angeles.

Apparently their occupations are cavorting (hey, both mentioned cavorting, at least they have that in common), focusing attention on people other than their spouse, complimenting, talking, heading to the studio, and opening nightclubs.  Wow, I can totally see how busy their lives are.  No wonder they couldn’t make a marriage work out…I can see, they definitely had no time for each other.

So you, middle America blue-collar worker, now you finally have a valid reason to get out of your marriage.  Both you and your spouse are working two jobs to try and make ends meet, you’re trying to take care of your children and make sure they have food to eat and clean clothes to wear, you’ve got to somehow fit in PTA meetings and kids’ doctor appointments (you don’t get any, no time for them) and grocery shopping and making sure the gas man is paid before he shows up to disconnect your only source of heat, you’re searching both you and your spouse’s work schedules so maybe you can snatch an hour or two together once every ten days or so, and you fall into bed exhausted every night (or morning), wondering just how you’re going to make it to the end of the week on the $7.42 left over out of your check and wishing your spouse was home for just a few minutes…now, you realize that it doesn’t matter that you’ve put twenty years of hard work into your marriage, it doesn’t matter that you’ve learned marriage is a series of compromises and values and commitment, and it definitely doesn’t matter that you can’t afford a divorce even if you wanted one (which you don’t, but everybody seems to be getting one, should you pick up an extra job to make sure you can afford it?).

Because, like a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, you can see that “busy” suddenly qualifies as grounds for divorce.  Um…HELLO?  Don’t you feel like a fool for spending all those wasted hours “talking it out” and “not going to bed until the argument is settled” and “compromising” and “taking time out for each other”?

I know I do.  I’m just so golly gosh-darned busy!  What’s Trope and Trope’s number, again?