Oh Bradley, Bradley, Bradley! I knew you were an enormous dumb-dumb, but I had no idea you were THAT dumb. Didn’t your main ho Angie tell your to keep your best kept secrets…well…secret?

Brad, dad to the world’s largest growing child army, has been doing press for his new movie Inglourious Basterds and told Bill Maher during an appearance on his show about how he gave up toking the sweetleaf when he started reproducing with the succubus known as Angelina Jolie. The fact that Brad was/is a pothead is hardly a shock to anyone…it’s like one of the most well-known facts in all of Hollywood, right behind Lindsay Lohan being a cokehead and Paris Hilton having a CDC condemned vagina. Below is the interview where he tells Bill he’s stopped smoking pot for his kids:

But Brad apparently wasn’t counting on his good pal and the director on his latest film, Quentin Tarantino, to rat him out as a lie-teller during an interview with Howard Stern. Oh, this delicious piece of irony tastes sweeter than the blood of virgins Madonna bathes in nightly. You can listen to Quentin talk about how Brad busted out a brick o’ hash here. Yes, hash. You know, that stuff Afghan farmers grow and that politicians tell us in contributing to the war and bloodshed in poor Middle-Eastern countries. The same countries where Angie visits as a Goodwill Ambassador and preaches about the suffering of their people. One has to wonder how Brad and Angie plan to help these undeveloped and war-torn countries turn their pot crops into vegetable crops while they continue to create demand to the suppliers. It’s a double-edged sword isn’t Brad, to be both self-righteous and self-serving at the time same time.

I am not saying I disagree with Brad about legalizing marijuana or that he and Angie aren’t trying to do humanitarian things. I guess my point is DON’T be a fricken hypocrite and act like you are somehow above “doing illegal drugs” now that you are a dad, when clearly, Brad’s puffing on the good stuff. If you really want to “legalize” marijuana, admit you smoke and attest to its virtues. Why make suggestions that smoking pot and raising kids can’t go hand in hand, when clearly YOU ARE DOING JUST THAT?

Somewhere in all of this is a lesson about being honest to yourself and your public. For me personally, I always knew Brad was a terrible liar, but now the whole world knows. Don’t worry though, I am sure he’s getting his punishments from Angie, one leather strap-on session at a time.

A liar and a whore

Well, well, well. It seems the news is out about John Edwards’ paternal obligations to his former mistress and her 18-month old daughter. Which as far as I am concerned, was a big FAT DUH!

I remember when John Edwards was a fresh face to the democratic party and a potential hopeful to the White House. John’s wife Elizabeth has suffered more than her share of tragedy, from losing her beloved old son Wade in 1996 to a diagnosis of breast cancer, remission and then having her cancer come back with a vengeance. It was during this second bout of stage 4 cancer, that John Edwards chose to carry on an affair, and impregnate apparently, with a woman whose opening line to John was “You’re hot.”

More on the philandering, LYING, asswipe Edwards from CBS:

Former North Carolina Senator and Democratic Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to admit that he is the father of the 18-month-old daughter of former mistress Rielle Hunter, sources tell CBS affiliate WRAL.

Edwards acknowledged the affair last summer but has previously denied that he fathered the child, whose name is Frances.

As WRAL notes, longtime Edwards aide Andrew Young initially claimed paternity but is now writing a book in which he will say Edwards is the girl’s actual father.

Hunter testified last week at the federal courthouse where a grand jury is investigating whether campaign funds were illegally used to buy her silence.

The sources told WRAL Edwards could acknowledge paternity before the investigation concludes.

I am a firm believer that there is place in Hell reserved especially for the most flagrant of wrong-doers. John likely has a bronze plaque awaiting his arrival. It’s not so much the cheating or the impregnating, as it is his timing and lying. When you turn your back on your dying spouse and the mother of your children when she needs you most, you REALLY, REALLY are the scum of the earth.

As for you Rielle, you are a vile, opportunistic piece of trash. I hope both of you enjoy your extra warm eternal vacation in the afterlife.

My theory on Hollywood and the Entertainment Industry is that these two fake entities are a parallel to the experiences of junior high school: full of dicks, nerds, dweebies, geeks, freaks and kids who think they are popular.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that a dick and a freak are having a little pissing contest to see who is the biggest f-tard. In this case, I think the dick wins.

Allow me to illuminate you. Apparently, Hello-Kitty fetishist Mariah Carey started a fight with Mr. Headcase Eminem. At some point these two were rubbing their fuzzy nubs on each other, but that crab-infested coupling went sour, and now, instead of ignoring each other like any normal 36 and 39-year old should, they have decided to channel their inner 14-year old.

From the Examiner:

The love triangle between Eminem, Mariah Carey, and Nick Cannon has taken another turn. Eminem released a diss track aimed at the newlyweds titled The Warning.

The Warning is essentially Eminem demanding that the couple stop taking shots at the Detroit MC. Maybe Eminem’s memory has been affected by his many years of drug addiction, because he’s fired unwarranted shots at Carey for the last seven years.

With the release of Eminem’s Relapse, he took another shot at Carey and her husband prompting the couple to respond. On Bagpipes from Baghdad Slim Shady raps, “Nick Cannon you [expletive], I wish you luck with the [expletive] whore/Every minute there’s a sucker born.”

Cannon said in his blog, “So, Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to corny-ass Nick Cannon!”

Carey then released the video and song for Obsessed mocking Eminem. Carey sang, “Why you so obsessed with me?/Lying that you’re sexin’ me/It’s clear that you’re upset with me.”

Eminem responded by releasing his most inspired song in years,The Warning. Eminem rhymes, “It’s a warning shot ‘fore I blow up your whole spot/Call my bluff and I’ll release [everything] I got.”

This battle clearly ranks as one of the all time corniest battles in rap history. Will Nick Cannon even respond to the The Warning? Stay tuned.

So, I listened to “The Warning” (cue two eye-rolls and a withering side-eye) and not only is NOT catchy, a serious no-no in my book of snarky comebacks, but it goes WAY beyond what is okay. It’s pretty damn repulsive, which, pretty much describes Eminem when he is sucking…something he’s done A LOT lately.

Artistically speaking, I’d prefer to listen to Eminem ANYDAY over Mariah Carey. I actually dig some of Eminem’s music a lot (just ask my iPod), but what I don’t dig is immaturity played out for all the world to see. Like all constants in the universe, I expect grown men and women to possess a level of maturity that reflects their age, and this lame-ass bullshit sets a very bad example to the world at large.

In essence, Eminem has not only made baby Jesus cry (and probably Mariah and Nick) with this adolescent drivel, but he’s helping the terrorists win. And that’s just UNAMERICAN.

Em you get a thumbs down on this one, in fact, if you are trying to prove you don’t have feelings for Mariah I’d say you just got an F, for fail. Next time why don’t you just pull her pigtails and push her into the dirt and spare us the drama.

That said, ball’s in your court Mimi.

Update: For those who have standards in their musical listening tastes and don’t want to listen to Mr. Mathers (Miss Mathers to you) dope track, Heckler Spray hilariously breaks this hissy-fit down for you:

It all stems from the relationship that Eminem and Mariah Carey had back in 2001, during one of the brief windows where Mariah wasn’t having a mental breakdown and Eminem wasn’t busy divorcing and remarrying his wife. Eminem referred to the relationship in his song Bagpipes From Baghdad, which we haven’t heard because it’s got the words ‘bagpipes’ and ‘Baghdad’ in the title and therefore probably sounds like a goat having its diaphragm pummelled.

But anyway, whatever Eminem said in the song, it was enough to make Mariah Carey dress up as a man and call Eminem a liar in her new song, entitled Obsessed. And this, somewhat inevitably, has caused Eminem to write another song about Mariah Carey, The Warning, in which he variously:

* Threatens to release a number of intimate phonecalls and photographs from their time together

* Describes an encounter where he accidentally ejaculated onto Mariah Carey’s stomach

* Calls Mariah Carey an ‘alcoholic’, a ‘liar’ and a ‘whore’

* Inevitably opens the door for Mariah Carey to release yet another song about Eminem – possibly accompanied by a video where she’s dressed up as a monkey or a unicorn or something – that goes on and on and on and on and on and forces Emimen to write yet another poxy bloody song about her.

Madonna’s Smirk Says It All

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about Madonna, ’cause she just makes me retch, but sometimes you must break your own rules in the interest of the public.

I could never stand Ms. Phony Pants, right down to the way she speaks. Despite her preposterously pretentious name, was one of six kids born in Bay City Michigan for Heaven’s sake. Her father was Italian and her Mom French Canadian, so I don’t have a clue where she came up with that lame accent — likely the same Fantasy Land she also lives in.

So as much as I try to ignore her, I couldn’t resist poking fun at her shacking up with Jesus…Jesus Luz that is. Jesus is a 22-year old Brazilian model who has been seen all over the place with Madonna including a trip to Madrid, touring the Prado Museum and the Royal Palace.

Back in March of 2009, Madonna and Jesus appeared in a steamy 46-page photo shoot in W Magazine which showed her frolicking in a hotel bed with Jesus. He has his name tattooed on his back, perhaps, just in case he forgets it. Or maybe in case Madonna forgets it. I also noticed she was wearing a cross around her neck in some of the shots. Perfect!

But hey, Madonna is a walking contradiction. Do you remember when said she didn’t want her children watching TV? I guess she forgot it was the early MTV’s videos on which put her on the map to stardom. If kids were not allowed to watch TV back in the 80’s, maybe Madonna would still be in Bay City Michigan. Ahhh…wistful thinking

So I guess TV is out, but boy toys and steamy photo shoots are ok? Not to mention all the other questionable crap she has done after she had kids. Her last photo shoot for her 11th album “Hard Candy” was certainly a trip to Sluttown. She even named her tour Sticky and Sweet.  What is up with all these sexual innuendos?  Does Madoona still think this is hot? It may have worked in her younger years, but now, it’s getting sad and the time has come to put that thang away.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a prude in any sense. But when you have children involved, it gets to a point were you just have to grow up and get some class girl. How can someone write childrens book and then go out on stage and hump a guitar? What are her kids going through? I can just hear one of her daughter’s friends: “Hey Lourdes! (ugh, hate the name) your Mom can really hump a mean guitar!”

From Sean Pean, to Dennis Rodman, to porn star Tony Ward to Guy Ritchie, and asking David Letterman to smell her underwear on TELEVISON (maybe that’s why she didn’t want her kids watching Mommy on TV) to kissing Britney Spears, and now a boytoy named Jesus? We get it Madonna, you are SO shocking. *Yawn*

As much as we wish Madonna would embrace her 50’s with class and dignity, it looks like this cougar is just getting started. In fact, Madonna may be the ultimate cougar, with 28 years between she and her latest sex-toy Jesus, putting Demi Moore to shame, with only 15 years between she and her hubby Ashton Kutcher.

And at the risk of getting nasty comments suggesting if Madonna were a man, nobody would say anything about her newest boy toy, you’d be WRONG. While part of me says, get it while you can, and the other part of me just says ewwwwwww because well…were talking about Madonna, and for some reason, she just seems a bit long in the tooth to be pulling her “Like A Virgin” routine. Again. And again.

Come Here Jesus And Give Mommy Some Sugar

It’s anyone’s guess what Madonna will come up with next, or who she will be “frolicking” with, but I only hope for her kid’s sake that she decides to clean it up a bit. With two African adoptions under her belt, her attentions are elsewhere. So THANK YOU JESUS…Jesus Luz that is.

As if marrying the world’s angriest mother who dons rotting roadkill on her head wasn’t bad enough, he’s now traded in Kate for something, far, far worse. How is that even possible?

Most of you are probably painfully aware that Jon and Kate, of the popular TLC show, “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ have filed for divorce and are now living separate lives. Which, considering the level of bitterness and contempt these two have for each other, is clearly a good thing.

In a strange turn of events, Jon has gone from being the underdog in this story of love turned sour, to being universally despised. Despite having suffered endless ridicule and derision from Kate ranging to complaints he breathes to loudly, to being publicly dressed down for speaking up during interviews, Jon has turned a well-spring of sympathy into a chorus of eye-rolls, and tsk, tsks. Why you ask? See below:

This here is Jon’s new girlfriend, the 22-year old daughter of his wife’s plastic surgeon, Hailey Glassman, and yes, that is a mugshot. Extra CLASSY! Hailey, in her bid to become famous by hooking up with a “reality star” seems to have forgotten that the fame sword cuts both ways. Now reports have surfaced from ALL over the place about her twisted past, which includes arrests for drug possession to tales of drunken and out of control exploits. And of course, the requisite video of Hailey smoking pot has now popped up all over the internet.

Jon recently set up house in NYC, in a two-bedroom apartment, clearly not enough space to accommodate his 8 children. Then there were the photos and reports all over the tabs last week while he was in France with his new GF, supposedly in talks with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier about a children’s clothing line. WTF? Though reports differ about why exactly these two misfits were actually hanging out, one thing is for sure, Ed Hardy wear looks stupid on EVERYONE. More on the fracked-up match up from the LATimes:

Audigier agreed to fly Gosselin and someone named “Hailey” — described to them as his “stylist” and whom we can only guess is one and the same as current gal pal Hailey Glassman — to visit him in St. Tropez last week to talk it through.

“Christian thinks he’s a nice guy, and they both love motorcycles, so they hit it off,” the representative said. “That’s all there is to report. There isn’t anything beyond that at this time.”

In the meantime, we’re trying to digest the most recent rumors — that Jon Gosselin popped the question to Glassman on that very same trip to St. Tropez. If that turns out to be true, can you imagine a better made-for-reality-TV tableaux than Audigier as best man and the bride-to-be in an Ed Hardy wedding gown?

We hate to admit it, but even we’d tune in for that.

Cheese on Rice, how is Hailey Glassman a “stylist” and in what universe is Jon considered “stylish?” I am baffled as to how so many extraordinarily plain and boring people somehow become “celebrities” simply because they are foolish enough to allow the public into their private lives. I’ll take the fortune, you can keep the fame.

Needless to say, Kate is quite content to sit back and let Jon make a complete ass out of himself in his post-divorce mid-life crisis. Isn’t 32 a little young to be going through this whole cheesy phase? Whatever the case may be, according to Radar Online, Kate’s already designated a label for the new “lady” in Jon’s life, and as they so eloquently stated, it rhymes with “bore”.

For once, Kate and I agree on something.

It’s been a while since I posted about our old friend Herperodite (aka Paris Hilton). It was a good run while it lasted. Oh well, back to the dumbest ho in Hollywood.

Apparently, Paris and her fake boyfriend Doug Reinhardt got their asses beat at a club recently and she was so worked up about it (read: indignant, pompous) that she took to her blog to moan about it. Straight from the Wonky’s meathole:

Clearing a few things up
Just checking in to say hello and clear a few things up. I’ve been getting a lot of calls and emails regarding these subjects I’m about to discuss. First of all, last night at a club my boyfriend and I were assaulted for no reason at all. The DJ (I don’t even know his name cause he sucks so bad) was playing the worst music ever! I like certain techno music, but this was not even danceable and was frankly giving me a migraine. I asked one of my friends who runs the hotel if he could change the music and he said ” I’ll lead you up to the DJ booth tell him and he’ll play whatever you want.” So he walked Doug and I over there. I asked the DJ if he could please play Daft Punk or Bob Sinclair and he rudely snapped at me and was like ‘I only play this kind of music.” I think he was jealous cause Bob Sinclair is a far better DJ then this guy by about a million times. He was so unbelievably rude and all because I asked to play one good song. Then out of nowhere his bodyguard (don’t ask me why he has a bodyguard, like he really needs one. Ha) pushed me really hard, that’s when my boyfriend, like my knight in shining armor, stepped in and told the guy to keep his hands off of me. Then all hell broke loose, it was like something out of a fight movie, it was so frightening. I had never seen anything like it in my life. Doug was fighting off like 6 guys. But he was of course stronger then them all but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open his lip. There was blood all over, I cried I was so upset and scared. It was ridiculous and for such a stupid reason, I cannot believe people behave this way, like ainmals! FYI this is not in my nature to be in club brawls, I;ve never been around anything like that. It was totally unprovoked and thank God Doug was there to rescue me. A man should NEVER put his hands on a woman in that manner.

Did you get all that? Paris had a headache, blah, blah, blah music sucked, blah, blah, blah, Paris is pushy, annoying, blah, blah, blah, fake boyfriend gets his ass kicked for associating with the self-important and disease ridden. See, I saved you 30 extra sentences.

How does a person like Paris Hilton live with themselves, knowing full well that half of the world’s population actively despises them? Piles of money must help.

Lucky for me I am not famous, significantly reducing the number of people who actively despise me.

In an uncharacteristically judicious decision by the courts, U.S. District Judge Stephen Larson granted the world’s largest toy company, Mattel, a request to have MGA Entertainment to stop producing its toy dolls, Bratz. The judgment for the cease and desist was based on copyright infringements on their Barbie brand. Here’s the legal mumbo jumbo from Bloomberg.com:

U.S. District Judge Stephen Larson in Riverside, California, yesterday granted Mattel’s request to stop MGA from making most of its multiethnic fashion dolls that have contributed to a drop in Barbie sales since being first sold in 2001. A jury earlier found that a Mattel designer came up with the Bratz name and characters and secretly took the idea to MGA.

“Mattel has established its exclusive rights to the Bratz drawings, and the court has found that hundreds of the MGA parties’ products, including all the currently available core female fashion dolls Mattel was able to locate in the marketplace, infringe those rights,” Larson said in his ruling.

The judge also granted Mattel’s request to order MGA not to use the name “Bratz.” El Segundo, California-based Mattel asked for an injunction against MGA after a two-phase trial.

The jury found that ex-Barbie designer Carter Bryant came up with the Bratz idea and made most of the original sketches for it while he was still at Mattel. It awarded Mattel $100 million in damages, 5 percent of the $2 billion the toymaker sought.

MGA is, of course, less than thrilled by this outcome, and is crying foul on the ruling. They are stating the judgment is a death sentence for the company and will likely put them out of business. Too bad, so sad. Perhaps you should play by the rules. Also, perhaps should create dolls which create positive roll models for the young girls you are marketing them to. Instead, MGA, you stole from Mattel, created a doll designed by the devil, which teaches young girls to dress like sluts, act like whore and treat their friends like crap. Sorry, but I hope each every single one of the individuals who sold their soul to Satan by investing their creative effort into popularizing these wretched dolls which cheapen the healthy image of women and girls finds themselves in the most heinous of predicaments. Do I sound bitter?

Well, try explaining to your daughter why she can’t have a doll like all her friends have because the sole purpose of that doll is to embody the worse stereotypes of women. This will explain why if you are at a Cleveland-area Target and hear an angry mother tell her child in no-nonsense terms, “No you can’t have one of those Slutz dolls because they look like cheap prostitutes who buy their clothes from RAVE, that’s why.”

Hope that clears things up for you. Yeah Mattel. Now how about you start making realistically shaped Barbies and toys with ZERO lead in it and redeem yourself?

Aren’t we all ready to move on from the Brad, Angelina, Jennifer saga? Clearly Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston are not. So here we go again.

As we reported two days ago, Jennifer Aniston is quoted in the December issue of Vogue as saying she thought her ex-husband’s current girlfriend and mother to his six kids, Angelina Jolie, was “really uncool” for revealing she and Pitt fell in love while the were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. To recap, Mr. and Mrs. Smith was filmed in 2004 while Pitt was still married to Aniston.

Up until now, Aniston has maintained a pretty low profile about the split and has had virtually nothing to say about Jolie, despite the obvious. And the obvious in this case is Brad Pitt cheated on his wife with Angelina Jolie. BAM! BOOM! I said it and I am NOT taking it back. We can all (that means you Brangeloonies) stop pretending it didn’t happen, or that it wasn’t wrong or that Angelina Jolie’s womb isn’t a magical vortex of the holy trinity.

So, for the last three years, Jennifer Aniston has had to overcome a divorce, move on with her life and keep her head high, despite the endless and unrelenting adoration heaped on her ex-husband and his paramour. Has she done a good job? Yeah, I think so. Sure her movies have sucked bigtime, but it’s not like she became a raging drunk or had sex with Sasquatch or anything. She’s done what she always does, dates jerks, looks good in a bikini. And more than anything, she’s kept her mouth shut. WAY more than I would have. Honestly, I would have walked straight up to Angelina, punched her in the throat, kicked her in the ass, and likely, hurled some less than savory utterances. But hey, I like to keep it classy.

Why did Jennifer break her dignified silence?

But wait, there’s more…