Demi Moore recently posed for the cover of W magazine.
WHY? Does anyone care?

What the hell is she wearing? This metallic swimsuit toga with epilettes reminds of something out of the movie Mad Max. Who picked out this silly frock?
And talk about smoke and mirrors! Her photo must of had to jump through hoops to achieve the more than obvious photo shop and airbrush -a-rama. If her name was not on the cover, I wouldn’t have known it was her.

There comes a time when someone should just accept that they are getting older, and stop trying to nip and tuck their way back to their youth. When everyone knows your age and they see little evidence of any aging, people just think it’s ridiculous and fake.

Although of course Demi, (make sure you pronounce it De-MEE, ick) completely denies that she has ever had any plastic surgery. Yeah, OK De-MEE. *laughs holding sides*

To make everyone really roll their eyes even more…
Apparently, Ms. Brat Pack has just announced that she would like to be called a puma rather than a cougar.

Bitch please… you are forty seven years old. Pumas are women in their thirties dating older men. Your barking up the wrong tree Ms. Hot Flash!

I never cared for Demi Moore. 
She is not that talented and completely full of herself. Top that off with her early interest in Scientology… and that really sealed the deal for me. Thank you Bruce Willis who had the common sense to put his foot down and say no to his kids being raised as Scientologists. Bravo Bruce!

But of course on the other hand, she is seen everywhere with that silly red Kabala string around her wrist. I guess they photo shopped it out of the pictures? 
Kutcher and her also got married by a Kabalah minister or whatever the heck. Silly celebutards. *Rolls eyes*

So on to her MUCH younger and prettier half, Ashton Kutcher.
Women are still crazy over him, and I think he was once perceived as a likable fun loving character. But now I think everyone just looks at him and thinks he is pretty much whipped by Demi and has lost totally his mojo. woo pah!

It seems that Ashton doesn’t do much of anything any more, except those stupid camera commercials. Not that he was some great big talent before. He has his Punk’d show and some crappy movies he did. But what does he do now? Or have I missed something major?

Same goes for Demi. What has she done lately? Would anyone take the risk and hire her for one of their movies? That seems very doubtful.

One thing that Demi has been busy doing, is biding her time by tweetin’ on Twitter. She loves to tweet about guess who? Ashton of course. All about their ooey gooey romance. Made me throw up a little. 

Yeah ok, we get it Demi, you landed yourself a young one with a pretty face. WE KNOW. Now what?

Eonline wrote:

Demi Moore is on the cover of December’s W wearing a festive holiday getup. The reigning Queen of Twitter talks about (what else?) being a cougar and how great Ashton Kutcher is. Feels like we’ve heard this all before from the actress, but let’s do it anyway.

While everyone considers Demi to be the O.G. cougar, she doesn’t see it that way.

“I’m certainly not the first person to be in a relationship with a younger man, but somehow I was plucked out as a bit of a poster girl,” she says.

“I don’t know why that is. But I just kind of step back sometimes and say, ‘There is some reason, and what is it that I have to share in a positive way?’ I’d prefer to be called a puma.”

(”Puma” is already used to describe women in their 30s who go for younger men, so 47-year-old Demi doesn’t really fall into that category. But she thinks “she came up with the new designation,” so maybe it’s best to let her go on believing that?)

Now about her 31-year-old husband. She loves him. A lot.

“The most overwhelming part of meeting someone that you already felt you had such a deep and old connection with is that your feelings are greater than the time you’ve had to actually be with one another. Now we’ve had the physical time together. The love he has for me makes me a better person by giving me the courage to take risks. I can fail and have someone who loves me just the same. I never knew it was quite possible.”

If she’s not gushing about her hubby on Twitter, she’s gotta gush somewhere. Now let’s wrap this up with a photo of Demi looking like she’s ready to join the next round of Dancing With the Stars. (That’ll happen at some point, right?)

So what about that dress that E is talking about?
Here it is below.

Hey Demi! The ’80’s called they want their dress back!
And what is that thing on her thumb? A grey bandage? Or am I seeing that wrong?

Such an awful pose she struck with that boney chicken wing of an arm sticking out. Why would W magazine and Demi approve of that picture? Were the other pictures to pick from that much worse? Hard to imagine.

Back to the inigma of their relationship.
I wonder if Demi’s cub (Ashton) will still be into making love to a 65 year old saber tooth when he turns a meer 49 years old?

Hey Demi, I hope you’re up for a hoo-ha rejuvenation? Or have you already had one? Well by the time you hit 65, you will be in need of yet another hoo-haw hoist anyways, because gravity is not kind.

Ashton was and still is considered quite the looker. I doubt he will ever have a shortage of women who want to jump his bones. He’s only 31 years old and has his whole life ahead of him. The older he gets… the better the young ones are going to start to look to him. It’s usually the way it goes. Sorry, fact of life. Get over it.

And don’t start with the “if Demi was a man, it would be more accepted” BS.
It goes both ways.

I have a friend who married a MUCH older man. They have a huge age difference. She did NOT marry him for money, he didn’t have any money. She still loves him of course, but the more he ages, the more his personality is changing, and he wants to do less and less. He is pretty content with just sitting around and watching TV when he is not working and of course that is normal for many. She jokes about him being a senior citizen, but I know it’s really starting to bother her. And no my friend is not shallow. I think when they got married, she convinced herself that his age wouldn’t be an issue. But now that he is in his sixties and he is changing his ways, she wishes for the younger man she married. It happens.

But maybe Ashton will feel differently.
Maybe he will stay with Demi, even when her ta-tas go completely south for the second time and she has to keep dying her pubes, so the rug will match the drapes. (ok, now I am grossing myself out) 

Hey Demi! I wouldn’t hire any cute young things as maids to hang around the house, if you catch my drift. And I think it would be a little tough to see Ashton smooching it up with a younger gal in a movie. Which has already happened. And as much as Demi acts like she is secure about their relationship, there’s bound to be insecurities. Especially when some of the girls are twenty years younger than her. It’s normal.

And what if Ashton wants to be a baby daddy? What if he wants his own kids? That has to weigh heavy on Demi too, especially that her baby making years are over. I know he considers Demi’s kids as his own, but it’s not the same as having your own child. He may be filled with a lot of regret when he gets a little older for not having one of his own.

Ashton still has PLENTY of time left for that. But Demi? Nope! She is done. I guess they can always hire a surrogate. But again, not the same.

Only time will tell if this puma cougar can hold on to her cub.
Who knows… maybe Demi will leave Ashton for a younger cub!

Not sure how many lives out of nine that Demi the puma cougar has already used.
I am just telling it like it is.

FYI… In the animal kingdom….
Cougars and pumas (and mountain lions) are all one in the same.
But don’t tell Demi that… she will then want to be called a kitten. MEOW!

With these tough economic times, it’s no wonder the fashion police haven’t been out in full force these days. I doubt they would have let this little number fly under their radar.

Yes of course I am guilty of wearing mismatched clothes around the house with two different color socks, staying in PJ’s all day and one time I wore two totally mismatched shoes to the post office, but my husband is not Tom Cruise (thankfully), I don’t have the dough to shop in haute couture boutiques, and I am not a gazillionaire. Never mind the fact that she is in the Tokyo airport with paparazzi galore for the NOT so popular debut of Valkyrie in Japan.

Just a thought: Will Tom’s role as WWII hero Col. Claus von Stauffenberg seem more convincing with Japanese dubbed in? ‘Cuz the absent German accent he was trying to get away with didn’t fly elsewhere.

Perhaps you think I am being catty, but sorry, the spike heeled beatle boots, the too tight black leggings, the 60’s style flowered dress,the red PLAID shirt and the navy swing style coat all scream crazy cat lady to me. MEOW!

At least Suri (who’s adorable btw) out-shined her Mom, with her red frock, cute white cardigan and little leopard flats, but her Mom’s fashion sense still showed through with Suri’s black tights. Why, Katie, why?

There are probably many reasons why she looks like she fell on a table full of clothes from a garage sale. So I listed five reasons which can be possible explantions for her giant fashion faux pas.

1. She got dressed in the dark

2. The airport lost her baggage, and this is the only outfit that she can get together from the lost and found department.

3. Suri picked out Mom’s outfit that morning and Katie didn’t have the heart to say no

4. Her body thetans couldn’t agree on the same outfit

5. OR Tom dressed her that way, because he knew it was a fashion disaster and he was counting on the PR. After all…he himself looked fine, well, except for his three-inch lifts. (For the record…fine as in ok, not as in, oh baby you look so fine.)

Dear Katie,

I know you can’t help the jam you’re in being married to the poster boy for Scientology, but please consult a stylist or at least buy a new mirror, ’cause yours is way broke girlfriend!

(Posted by Glosslip’s very own Queen)

Red Carpet

Tim Gunn embraces his inner and outer gay in ways that make me very uncomfortable.

Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew Broderick looked weak together. Maybe those rumors of a breakup are true. Weird chemistry.

Who told Miley Cyrus this was the Prom. That dress is really…well I am sure Jessica McClintock is thrilled her 1988 prom wear is making a comeback.

Brad Pitt looked amused, his date, some chick name Angelina Jolie looked very stuck up. Ugly earrings too I might add.

Kate Winslet, always wonderful.

Meryl Streep looks thin and lovely, 15-time nominee is a living legend. She’s accompanied by her daughter, who looks like she hasn’t mastered the art of speech yet.

Mickey Rourke is rocking his infamous pimp-tux chic look. I hope he wins, because it’s only fair.

The Opening, Hugh Jackman Dance, Sings and has a gay old time!

Hugh isn’t just the sexiest man alive, he’s also possibly the nicest. I loved his Barbara Walters pre-Oscar interview. Can’t wait to see the Wolverine flick.

The multi-talented Hugh does a hilarious dance number honoring the films nominated for Best Picture, including a little number with Best Actress nominee Anne Hathaway. I love her, I hope she wins.

Best Supporting Actress goes to Penelope Cruz (the only Cruz whose still making decent films) for her role in Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

OOOOhhhhh, here’s Jenny Aniston and Jack Black presenting for Best Animated film. I wonder what she’s thinking having to stand up there in front of her NEMESIS Angie, who’s sitting with the ex-husband who dumped her for his co-star and has since started their own multi-national army. I bet she wants to slap the sh*t out of her. Oh wait, that’s what I was thinking. Jenny’s probably thinking, “why do I date douchebags?” Oh no they didn’t, they just panned to Angelina Jolie and Brad. TACKY. Angie was laughing by the way. I can’t wait until she loses

Why yes, I am bitter, thank you very much.

Another uncomfortable moment, with Seth Rogan and James Franco doing a little scene from Milk. Oh no, did he just staple Seth’s face? WTF?

It’s James, Seth and some old dude Janusz Kaminski are presenting for Live Action Short Film. I thought it was for best foreign film, but fortunately my nine-year old was paying better attention and corrected me. Sheesh, everyone’s a friggin editor.

Best Supporting Actor coming up.

Wall-E wins Best Animated Film. Great choice, great film

Ben Stiller makes fun of the Unarapper, Joaquin Phoenix while presenting with Natalie Portman. Sad and not funny.

Jessica Biel, WTF? Why is she up there? She’s presenting and boring the hell out of everyone talking about gadgets and stuff. She should be showing off her hot BF JT. She looks like she forget to finish dressing.

Oh another dance number with Jack and Beyonce. Hmmm….not sure how I feel about this. A little Mamma Mia and not enough Rock n’ Roll. Oh well, gotta love Hugh, not so much Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. So that’s why they were there.

Best Supporting Oscar winners Kevin Kline, Joel Gray, Alan Arkin, Cuba Gooding, Jr.and the crazy Christopher Walken are all up to honor the nominees, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Josh Brolin, Robert Downey, Jr., and Heath Ledger. RDJ was really hilarious in Tropic Thunder I must say.

There’s man-whore John Mayer with Jennifer Aniston.

Oh it’s creepy Christopher Walken toasting Michael Shannon, whom I’ve never heard of. The still handsome Kevin Kline honoring the late Heath Ledger, drum roll please. Who will win?????

HEATH WINS!!! And his creepy dad is up there with his mother and sister. Hoorah for Heath, I wish Matilda and Michelle had accepted instead, or at least been invited. Kind of tacky.

Not a dry eye in the house. Not one. Poor Heath. Good speech from his sneaky dad, his mother and sister are quite lovely and seemed proud. Mentioned Matilda, thank goodness.

Oh no, here’s Bill Maher pimping his documentary while presenting for Best Documentary. Man OnWire, wins the Oscar. I look forward to seeing this, btw, about the French guy, Philippe Petit who walked between the Twin Towers back in ‘74 on a tightrope. Nervy to say the least.

Will Smith is coming up next.

The Fresh Prince is talking about action movies, he’s done a few of those. Outstanding visual effects, The Curious Case of Sweeping the Oscars is once again nominated. I hope Iron Man wins, DAMN. Like I said, the Curious Case of the Benjamins Wins again. Ugh, there will be no living with Brangelina after this. Fingers crossed that Mickey Rourke sweeps up the stage with Brad Pitts smuggy stache.

Uh oh, Fresh Prince had a little case of the mush mouth! But he’s still lovable. Oscar goes to Dark Knight for Sound Editing. Yeehaa!

Sound Mixing Oscar, sheesh, that Curious Case of Herpes just keeps slapping me in the face. Maybe Slumdog will get one this time. Ohh, I was right, Slum Dog busts out a win. Take that Curious Buttons!

I love the Indian Tuxedo, smoking hot! Although he looks like a train ticket taker.

Yes, Will Smith is still gracing us with his hotness, something about Hugh doing lines backstage. Just kidding.

Film Editing Oscar goes to…Slumdog Millionaire. Rock on Subcontinent. Way to show Hollywood how it’s done.

What? Eddie Murphy, damn. Was Chris Rock busy or something? Oh geez, Jerry Lewis won an award, I sure hope he’s not there to give a speech, I don’t have all night, plus my ears can’t take the crazy. Ok, Jerry’s kids deserve to be honored. Oh no, he’s there poor guy looks old. I hope this is on a delay. He’s been stricken by the Dick Clark disease. Alright, I’ll stop, it’s not like getting old is contagious. Right? Congrats Jerry. Short and sweet.

The Jackman is back. Best Musical Score coming up. Slumdog rakes another one!!!

Why is Zac Efron up there? Lowered standards I guess.

Best Original Song montage, John Legend’s singing a song from Wall-E I think. Hey, I am not getting paid for this.

More jaunty numbers from Slumdog Millionaire, how festive.

Alicia Keys or a mannequin? You decide.

Slumdog wins again, damn, they almost look embarrassed.

Best Foreign Film coming up, Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto presenting. Departures from Japan wins. Director is awesome and vaaay vaaay appy. I am not being mean, I loved his speech, hope you will be back too dude.

God save the Queen…Latifah! Uh oh, it’s the tribute to the dead. Sad Oh how we will miss Paul Newman *sigh*

Best Director goes to Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire. WOW, they are slamming.

Only Best Actor, Actress and Film to go.

Best Actress tributes, Sophia Loren’s hand on her hip is irritating me. This is Meryl Streep you are talking about, can be a little more humble please. Perhaps it’s her age, she’s holding her hip in place. Oh, here we go with Angelina Jolie, it’s fitting from one ice princess (Nicole Kidman) to another. Please let Anne win..

And the Oscar goes to Kate Winslet. Finally, she gets the win after being shut out so many times this season. Good for her! Time to see Angie’s sucking on sour grapes face, boo hoo, cry me a river. Kate just told Meryl to suck it up. Damn, good luck topping that Mickey!

Here we go, Best Actor. Michael Douglas, looking an awful lot like dad Kurt. Robert DeNiro toasting Sean Penn, who could win, but has already won, so it would be nice if they spread it around a bit. Boy, Sean’s come a long way since Spicoli. Adrian Brody tells us we should all know who Richard Jenkins is. We probably should, if he wins, we certainly will It’s Anthony Hopkins giving lipservice to Bradley Pitt. Hmmm…based on the clapping, apparently famous people love Brad too. Ghandi, er I mean Ben Kingsley paying tribute to legend Mickey Rourke. Don’t like Mickey, go see Angel Heart.

Fingers crossed, Loki’s watching from heaven. It’s an UPSET, SEAN PENN WINS AGAIN. DAMN! Well, that’s too bad for Mickey. Oh well, least Brad didn’t win. Sheesh, Sean is still a crazy bastard. Gotta love him for calling the Academy a bunch of commie homo lovers.

Only Best Picture awaits.

The winner of the 2009 Academy Award for Best Picture goes to Slumdog Millionaire.

It’s all over but the crying. Great job Hugh and congrats to all the winners. Peace out!

Okay, I want everybody to take a good look at these two.

Go on, look.  I promise your eyeballs won’t burst into flames or run screaming out of your skull.

Got this image firmly planted in your brain?  Good.

Now, think about this…these are the sorts of people that so many of the fashion-conscious world takes their cues from.  These people are hailed as trendsetters.  Every time you purchase a bottle of Covet perfume, or buy a Valentino frock (I don’t know what you’re talking about…what credit crunch?), this is the sort of thing you’re supporting.

Do you really want to be responsible for this?

Stop the madness!  Just say no!

The inimitable biographer and now gossip sleuth Ian Halperin at Ianundercover.com, points to a video showing rapper Nelly (one of my favorites) talking shoes and some smack Why? Well, apparently growing up in the hood of St. Louis, you were what you wore, and for poor Nelly, what his family could afford was lacking in “style.”

Apparently, so are the shoes NBA great Kobe Bryant created. Watch the above video to hear the hurtful words hurled at Bryant’s not-so-fly footwear, Hyperdunks. Sort of sounds like meth-donuts if you ask me.

On a side note, before the 2008 Olympic U.S. Basketball team brought prestige and glory back to the infamously poor-spirited franchise of previous Olympic teams, I kind of though Kobe was a tool. What, with the whole Shaquille O’Neal in-fighting, the rape/adultery charge and just a general sense of over-inflated self, there wasn’t much to like about Kobe. That said, I think he has matured quite a bit, and has greatly improved his image — as well as — his wife’s jewelry collection.

Just sayin’ is all.

This non-story is so ridiculous, I just had to write about it.  Forget the war in Iraq or soaring gas prices or missing toddlers or the upcoming elections, this is some serious stuff and it must be brought to the attention of the masses.  It seems that there is a dispute over who started the trucker hat craze, Justin or Ashton:

“It’s funny,” Timberlake says in the new issue of Fashion Rocks magazine. “I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps. I’ve heard him make that statement before.”

But Timberlake insists he and his William Rast fashion line partner and childhood friend Trace Ayala are the real trendsetters. “Trace and I were wearing them when we were seventeen,” Mr. SexyBack says.

I’m glad that stars are finally concentrating on serious issues which face the world we live in and have moved away from silliness and superficial stuff which, in the long run, doesn’t really matter.

And I got news for both Justin and Ashton.  You didn’t invent trucker hats, ladies.  You see, there’s a reason why they’re called trucker hats.  I’ve seen them since I was a little girl right here in the flyover states and I know they’ve been around long before that.  The current crop of pre-broken-in vintage look trucker hats are just pretenders…us true fashionistas in the Midwest have had the real thing since the ark.  It isn’t our fault that it took the shiny happy people forever to copy a trend which has been going full force for years.  Come on, girlz, get with it!

Denise Richards would love these if they came in a bigger size…you know since she’s so into whoring out her kids on reality television.

For the prostitot who has everything, now we have high-heeled crib shoes:

Your little one  will look fabulous in these soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels!  Each pair of heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure.
Zebra satin heel with hot pink satin lining for infants size 0-6 months.

Why stop there?  Pair these with the House of Deréon line of pimpin’ fashion and your little girl is well on her way to her very own bootylucious lifestyle.

I’m not even going to link to the site.  Heelarious?  More like disgusting.

Yeah, I know they’re just little baby crib shoes.  But it’s the thought behind them…that somehow we have to dress up our little girls to look like miniature adults, and really skanky ones at that.  What is the matter with letting kids look like (stop me if I get too crazy here) kids?  Are our daughters targets or treasures?

via dlisted

When I saw these ads I first was speechless…but don’t worry, I’ll have enough of my voice back to rail about this on BTR Today later on.

Yes, these are ads for the House of Deréon, a clothing line created by singer Beyoncé and her mama, Tina Knowles.  According to Wikipedia:

House of Deréon is a prêt-à-porter fashion line introduced by singer Beyoncé Knowles and her mother/stylist Tina Knowles. The style and concept is inspired by three generations of women in their family, with the name “Deréon” paying tribute to Beyoncé’s grandmother, Agnèz Deréon.

Expanding the brand, Jay Z and her sister Solange Knowles launched the junior line Deréon that is geared towards younger consumers and is more reasonably priced. The tag line for Deréon is “Where the sidewalk and catwalk meet”. [...]

It is reported that Beyoncé has an active role in the House of Deréon’s design department, approving and discussing fashion designs and ideas.

First of all, what is it with all the stinkin’ acute accent marks?  I don’t like to drag out Character Map every time I try to type up an article.

I like what Pop Gumbo had to say:

Tina, we understand that you had to pimp out your daughter at a young age in order to make her a star and bring money into the home. Without that sacrifice, “bootylicious” might never have made it into the American vernacular. So for that we are truly grateful, but this boo, is a disgrace. These little girls look like whores. Why all the lipstick?

What is the next ad going to look like? Babies wearing gold metallic bikinis while five-year old boys throw Monopoly money on them.

These ads creep me out…but more importantly, they make me sick.  The top photo is the worst offender; the bottom one is just dumb in a too-much-makeup-on-a-little-kid way.  It’s bad enough that we have teenagers walking around dressed like they’re looking for their pimp, but little girls?  I’m no prude, and I don’t believe little girls should always be in ruffly dresses and hair bows, but come on…high heels on preschoolers?  They’re probably a grown-up pair, but still…what are these people thinking?  Who would buy such trash for their child?  Why would advertisers want to show children in full makeup and hairdos, looking like adults?  What’s with all the lipstick and “come hither” looks?

And the sad thing is that clothing like these are not relegated to ads.  Go to any mall on a weekday and you can see mothers with their preschoolers walking around dressed like this.  Whatever happened to kids being kids?  Being silly with mommy’s makeup and playing dress-up with grownup clothes and shoes in one’s home, during playtime, is one thing.  Taking it to the streets is something else entirely.  And that’s exactly what these little girls look like they’re getting ready to do.  Let children be children…and let children look like children.

Don’t tell me I’m a sicko who is seeing something that isn’t there…take some software, age the photographs of these girls about fifteen years, don’t change their expressions, and see what they look like.  Sexy ads.  I rest my case.

A friend of mine once told me that we can make our daughters targets or treasures.  I’ll let you decide.

Dear John:

Although some people might think you are a bit crazy to do it, I, for one, applaud your decision to wear and maintain an authentic 1980’s feathered haircut:

“Today I set off on my newest project,” writes the 30-year old musician, who made news this week after spending time in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. But his newest project isn’t romantic — it’s hairier than that. His goal: “To grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut,” he blogs, further insisting, “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time.” He admits to being “very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape,” noting, “The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. And as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.”

But as someone who actually lived through the 80’s, I have to say…you’re on your way (the jacket you have on is a nice touch), but you haven’t got it right just yet.  Please, allow me to offer you some advice.

First, the hair isn’t necessarily about length, but the layers.  It’s all about the feathering.  You have to have texture to your hair, or it just isn’t worth it.  Get yourself a few basics…the vented hairbrush (you know, the one that’s rectangular with holes in it and the plastic bristles with the little round tips), a blow dryer, some hair mousse, and an economy-sized can of Aqua Net.  When you’re blow drying, take the brush and your dryer and swoop them together on your hair, pulling the hair out from your head and simultaneously pulling them both towards the back of your head.  This will create both volume and texture.  Continue until your hair is dry.

Then, you take the brush and comb forward, but then pull it backward.  It takes a little practice, but you’ll get the hang of it.  This lets the hair settle into the “feathers”.  As you are doing so, spray liberally with the Aqua Net.  It isn’t really feathered until you can go out in the wind and your hair doesn’t move (or at least it moves in stuck-together layers).  If you can grow out the back a little, just to where it touches your collar and flips up a bit, that would be the perfect ending touch.

But the hair isn’t the end…no, it’s just the beginning.  If you truly want the attitude of “ease and quiet confidence” that 80’s hair can bring, you have to have the whole package.  Yes, that means everything from the clothing you put on to the cologne you wear.  If you stick fabulous 80’s hair on top of today’s clothes…well, that’s a huge fashion don’t.  So don’t.

Let’s start with what goes underneath…you have to have the bikini underwear, preferably in stripes.  Socks are pretty basic, or even missing altogether if you’re going for the Miami Vice look, but you must have the bikini underwear.  If you can’t handle that (and some men just can’t), then tighty-whities are always a good standby.

Get yourself an Izod polo shirt, preferably in a pastel color, and pop that collar.  (No, popping the collar didn’t originate with your generation.)  If you really want to be authentic, wear an argyle vest over the top and/or a knit tie with a square end (tied loosely, of course).  If you can’t find a shirt with a little alligator, or just don’t like the preppie look, go for the tight t-shirt, preferably a concert tee with three-quarter-length jersey sleeves from bands like REO Speedwagon or Journey (or if you really want to be a rebel, Poison or Metallica).  A mesh shirt is good IF you have the abs for it, or a muscle shirt if you have the biceps.  You can always get a Members Only jacket (no imitations, please…soooo grody to the max) or wear an oversized suit jacket over a t-shirt and roll up the sleeves.

Pants need to be tight enough to tell what religion you are, and definitely acid-washed (absolutely no dark blue, overdyed jeans allowed…like, totally gag me with a spoon).  You can get away with black jeans if you wear boots.  This was before they added Spandex to jeans, so you’ll just have to suffer.  But there is an benefit…the cupping that jeans like these give to the tush is to die for and unparallelled in anything today’s fashion has to offer.  Roll them up a bit (trust me) and show off your high-top Reeboks.  If jeans aren’t your thing, parachute pants are always a good fall-back option (but they must be tight with lots of zippers).

Top it off with cologne and accessories…a Swatch watch is a must, along with some friendship pins on your shoes and some Obsession or Polo cologne (or some Coty Musk for Men if you didn’t have that kind of dough).  Oh, and the ubiquitous 1980’s fashion accessory…Wayfarer sunglasses, or at least cheap knockoffs (I still wear them).

You see, John, you’re limiting yourself when you just concentrate on the hair.  1980’s hair isn’t a style…it’s an attitude, an entire package, and you just can’t have the attitude unless you have everything else that goes along with it.  Follow my simple instructions and you too can feel “ease and quiet confidence”.

Oh, and give Dawn a call.  She thinks you’re hot.

All the best,
k

Of all the things I can find to pick on Paris Hilton about (and they are legion), her feet aren’t one of them (or, to be more accurate, two of them):

She’s not one to shy away from attention of any sort, but not even Paris Hilton would be pleased that all eyes were on her rather peculiar feet yesterday.

The heiress’ huge size 11s attracted attention for all the wrong reasons – they looked exceptionally bony and sinewy as she hit the street in a silver pair of ballet flats in LA yesterday.

Paris has previously bemoaned her super sized feet, saying: “Yeah, it sucks, because I see all these super cute shoes in the stores: Guccis, YSLs, Manolos. And when they bring them out in my size, they look like clown shoes.”

I am really sick and tired of the media finding something about people that doesn’t fit what some arbitrary anonymous person has decided is the “norm”, and flogging it to death and beyond.  I can pick all day on things like Paris’ clothing, hairdo, choice of makeup, horrible pet-owning skills, stupid decisions, vacuous personality, and even her choice of shoes, but those are all things she can change or do something about.  There’s not much one can do about the size of one’s feet.

Besides, there are more women in the world with big feet than small ones (you hear that, shoe stores?).  Just in America, the average shoe size for women is around a size 9.  And it must be taken into account that Paris is 5′8″ tall (coincidentally, also my height) and very slender (coincidentally, how I vision myself inside my head), and she has long, thin limbs and fingers.  Of course her feet look bony, it’s how her body is built.  People need to stop describing larger feet in terms normally reserved for abcessed pus-filled sores.

And of course her foot looks sinewy in that photo…she’s taking a step!  Really, that’s just stupid.  It’s a foot.

I’ve had a big foot since I was a kid.  Most of the time, I wear a women’s size 12.  All the better to kick you in the butt with when you make fun of my big feet, my dear.