Kirstie Alley has long been ridiculed over the past few years about her weight. From appearing on the failed sitcom Fat Actress to being Jenny Craig’s spokesperson, both of which ended in disaster. The National Enquirer has been dogging Kirstie through her weight gain and recently came out with a gem of a front page article stating that Kirstie Alley only has four years to live.

The Enquirer has always been known as a tabloid rag, and most stars let it roll off their backs like water on a duck — but not this time around. Apparently Kirstie’s 85 year-old Dad saw the article and called her very upset and asked her if she was dying. That infuriated Kirstie SO much, that her current obsession with Twitter helped her to show her true colors once again.

Kirstie took aim at the National Enquirer employee who wrote the article and posted some pretty nasty and threatening tweets, and asked her “Twitter buddies” to help her out.

The National Enquirer article that enraged Kirstie:

Kirstie Alley has just four years to live, an expert predicts. Locked in a deadly cycle of binge eating and yo-yo dieting, the former “Fat Actress” star has shaved years off her life span, according to doctors who have reviewed her medical history.

At 5-foot-8 and 250 pounds, the 58-year-old Emmy winner is “playing Russian roulette with her life,” warned Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., a human behavior expert from Miami Beach, Fla. “I added up the stressors in her life, and unless she adds more balance to it, Kirstie may only live to age 62.”

That frightening scenario is the conclusion of a longevity guide that he’s developed known as the “Life and Death Calculator.” The calculator determines a person’s estimated life expectancy by evaluating five principal body indicators.

“There are emotional, mental, physical, nutritional and spiritual stressors that can define how well we age,” explained Dr. Wanis, author of “Secrets to Losing Weight, Being Thin and Loving Your Body,” a set of three CDs. “We also look at relationships and how much support one gets from friends and family. Finally, we take lifestyle – where you live and the quality of life – into account.”

The former “Cheers” star – whose last serious romance ended in May 2000 when she called off her engagement to actor James Wilder – lost 75 pounds nearly three years ago as the poster girl for the Jenny Craig weight-loss program. But she’s regained some 90 pounds since then with a weakness for fat-laden Chinese takeout and other unhealthy foods.

And such a dramatic weight gain can dramatically shorten life span, according to a top anti-aging expert.

Now I don’t doubt that her weight is an issue to her health, but four years to live is a tad ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I am not sticking up for Kirstie in any way. It’s extremely difficult to have respect for someone who supports a cult, a cult btw, which claims to hold ALL the answers to any mental, physical or spiritual problem you might be having. Which of course, begs the question, why can’t Kirstie turn to Scientology to help her with her weight, and to a greater extent, her overall health?

Kirstie is supposedly an OTV on Scientology’s Bridge To Total Freedom and has “donated” over five million dollars to the cult in the past. Their promises of telling members that their courses and auditing will enable them to be “at cause” over everything. They also boast about having special “OT powers” and are able to cure many afflictions. *ahem, SNICKER*

It is quite obvious that Kirstie is not  “at cause” over her weight or the constant “PR flap” she continues to be for Scientology. Which couldn’t make me happier. But it is not only a problem of Kirstie being duped by the deceptions of Scientology and giving them bad PR, now she has decided to go on Twitter and go after the employee who wrote the article by asking her Twit buddies to “Fair Game” this person.

As you may or may not know, Fair Game was actually a policy written by founder L. Ron Hubbard in which he states:

Fair game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. October 1967 Policy Letter (HCOPL 18 Oct 67 Issue IV, Penalties for Lower Conditions)

Some snippets and Kirstie’s actual tweets were listed on Celebitchy, (of course the names and personal info were redacted):

Alley is predictably outraged about this, and claims that the cover upset her 85 year-old father. She is urging her followers on Twitter to harass an employee at the National Enquirer, who I won’t name here. Regardless Alley seems to think this woman had a hand in the story despite the fact that she’s not listed as an author at all. Alley’s tweets on the matter are ominous and she practically threatens the woman, calling her “fair game” and saying she’ll expose her photos and secrets. Alley lists the Enquirer employee’s contact information, including her e-mail and phone number, and asks people to contact her. The term “Fair Game” is used by Alley’s cult, Scientology, and refers to the practice of revealing damaging information about detractors and harassing them relentlessly until they back down.

That’s [name redacted] [phone number redacted]. [email address redacted]..

show S SOME LOVE..tell her my DADDY sent you..More news on S to follow
about 23 hours ago from web

Please call Ms. [name redacted].Your natural instinct will be to be kind.
Pretend your father just called you panicked that you were dying. Bang Bang
about 23 hours ago from web

@mladenstanisic SHe IS famous isn’t she? Now she really IS a public figure. Fair Game for Public photos and speech. Same terms as Me..lol
about 23 hours ago from web in reply to mladenstanisic

S[name redacted] …watch your back honey..two can play at the INFO and picture game and YOU are a public figure now too, girly girl..click click
10:07 AM Aug 16th from web

nasty writers dirty little secrets..and I will be happy to EXPOSE them right here on twitter. Nasty Writers beware of the truth..
10:04 AM Aug 16th from web

It also is never the answer to harm their loved ones when they are not even the target. I am NO DOVE, but I won’t hesitate to EXPOSE these
10:02 AM Aug 16th from web

IIT PROVOKES me to do the same thing to them and their families as I CAN GET THEIR PRIVATE DATA. But my religion teaches ignore and
flourish
10:00 AM Aug 16th from web

to buy this sh*t. It wreaks havoc on families and friends, just like any other bullying except it is on a world wide scale. Oo Daddy, look away
9:58 AM Aug 16th from web

I am sharing this with you because it truly is the highest form of insidious evil bullying that exists.What you CAN do about it, is refuse
9:57 AM Aug 16th from web

I don’t care for myself..If it wasn’t weight it’s been some other lies for 28 years..but it breaks my heart when my Dad worries about it..
9:56 AM Aug 16th from web

I DESPISE THE F*CKING NATIONAL ENQUIRER!!!! My 85 year old amazing father just called to ask me if “I AM DYING” Bless his heart..EVIL F*CKS
9:48 AM Aug 16th from web

Tisk Tisk! Kirstie! I would imagine both Twitter and Scientology would not be too happy about this? Twitter’s TOS is as follows and I put a WHOOPS! next to all that apply to Kirstie:

You must not abuse, harass, threaten, impersonate or intimidate other Twitter users. WHOOPS! 

You may not use the Twitter.com service for any illegal or unauthorized purpose. WHOOPS!

You are solely responsible for your conduct and any data, text, information, screen names, graphics, photos, profiles, audio and video clips, links (”Content”) that you submit, post, and display on the Twitter.com service. WHOOPS!

 You must not create or submit unwanted email to any Twitter members (”Spam”). WHOOPS!

You must not, in the use of Twitter, violate any laws in your jurisdiction (including but not limited to copyright laws). WHOOPS!

Violation of any of these agreements will result in the termination of your Twitter.com account.  WHOOPS?

So do you think Twitter suspended her account because of her threats and her telling her twittery dimwitted minions to email the employee from the National Enquirer? Speaking of someone rallying her dimwitted minions… that kind of reminds me of a someone.

But Wait There’s more……

But wait, there’s more…

HolyUnderAge Sluts Batman!

Perhaps you remember a while back a story running in the British tabloids about a baby-faced 13-year old boy named Alfie Patten. Little Alfie was supposed to be the father of brand spanking new baby birthed by his 15-year old girlfriend Chantelle.

Possessing an unnaturally youthful face, innocent-looking Alfie became the poster child for the woes of teen pregnancy. I remember being shocked that someone who looks barely a year older than my five-year old could have not only engaged in adult activities, but was even physically mature enough to impregnate his significantly more mature girlfriend.

Well I have good news folks, Alfie’s not the daddy. Bad news, this is NOT the outcome the little guy had hoped for. Alfie had cheerfully stepped up to the plate to take on the important role of father to Maisie, the little girl he thought was his daughter. Here’s more on the tawdry and sad story:

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once, The Mirror reported.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie’s father.

The story caused a worldwide media frenzy, while politicians criticized what they called Britain’s declining morals.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby’s father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

Last month a friend of the Stedman family claimed Patten was scammed by the girl’s parents who wanted to cash in on the sensational story.

It is still not clear who the baby’s father is.

The parents of Chantelle get a capital C for CLASSY. Yep, this is what you call a smooth move by a couple of grade A asswipes. It’s not bad enough your 15-year old daughter is pregnant and so disturbingly promiscuous she doesn’t have a farkling clue WHO the father is, but you then go and compound the situation by bringing an innocent boy and the media into it simply for a little scratch.

Well Stedmans, great job, you have really outdone yourselves in the rotten douchebags department. I sure hope Alfie and his family don’t sue the hell out of you (re: I HOPE THEY SUE YOU, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS).

Alfie, take some advice from me: dry your eyes, blow your nose and cut your losses. You dodged one seriously UGLY bullet right there. Now, go outside and play some soccer or whatever it is little boys in the UK do besides having sex with sketchy older girls.

We try not to acknowledge fame drop-out Jessica Simpson too often, it merely encourages her, and honestly, encouragement is the LAST thing she needs. But alas, sometimes Jess’ ability to draw unwanted attention to herself goes above and beyond, and even we can’t look the other way.

So, what did Jessica Simpson do besides wear that unfortunate ensemble, which also included a pair of “mom” jeans? Well, she spouted off at the mouth about her equally moronic boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, whose career has taken a nosedive since she came into his life. Like we’ve said before, Jessica is an albatross, a bad omen, a curse upon the land. Oh, and she’s now relegated to singing at chili cookoffs (to be fair, there were 30,000 people there).

First the ensemble. Jessica is a pretty girl, there’s no doubt, but she’s also what Judd Nelson as John Bender from the great film The Breakfast Club would call a “Claire.” When Claire (played by the original firecrotch, Molly Ringwald) says, “I’m not fat,” Bender explains, “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ‘em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…”

Yeah, so that describes Jessica, and I have found through empirical research that the more she blabs about her current love interest (for now, Tony Romo) the fatter she gets. Now, I have no problem if Jessica Simpson wants to be all puffy and bloated, that’s her business. But if she is going to get up on stage and sing at a chili cookoff wearing that redonkulous outfit, well then it becomes MY business.

But wait, there’s more…

I thought I was alone in my observations of this recent phenomenon called the Snuggie. The juxtaposition of something as comforting as a warm fleece blanket with that of a shrill, harsh and relentlessly obnoxious female voice is enough to stir the most primordial instincts in one’s soul. Then I discovered, the above video and all became clear, The Snuggie is an EVIL cult. The secret was revealed by the crazies at Jezebel (via Gizmodo).

A blanket with sleeves seems like a great idea in theory, sort of like a money-extorting cult born from a bad sci-fi story, but then reality strikes, and the next thing you know, you have whole families tripping, catching on fire and reclining in luxuriant pleasure avoiding the real world while they immerse themselves in the cult of Snuggie.

Don’t do it people, seriously, nothing good can come from this. It’s a dangerous, false reality which will end with you spending all your money on a product which never really delivers on its promises. Plus, you will look like some kind of devil-worshipping Satanist.

You’ve been warned.

P.S. You can have all this for the low, low price of $14.95 and….YOUR SOUL!

P.S.S. The warmth of The Snuggie prepares you for the afterlife….IN HELL!

Ok, feel free to create your own.

I seriously spit out my tea when I read this story.  No, really.  I’m typing really fast because I’m sure my laptop is going to short out any second from my Darjeeling spray.

After a Golden Globes party (btw, he and Santa Angelina totally blew off Ryan Seacrest before the show because they were in such a hurry to get inside and get the humiliation over with), Bradley was called names and had his little state trooper stache mocked by a woman who had clearly imbibed too much (but whose eyesight and taste was obviously unaffected):

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO’s party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

A source at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ‘Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ‘ugly as a dog’.’

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

The source continued: ‘Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad’s face.

‘She then said, ‘And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible’, before marching off. Brad’s buddies cracked up laughing.’

What do you say to that except give that woman a medal!

Yeah yeah yeah…I get it, he had to wear special makeup and stuff on his face for his latest movie because of the whole aging thing, whatevs.  This is not a super attractive man, folks, I don’t care what any of you think.  If this is your thing, great.  More power to you.  I prefer my men to look like men, not like sissymary little pretty boys who look like they would spend more time in the bathroom getting ready and using more product to do it than I would.

And I’m sorry…the stache has to go.  He looks like he ought to be asking you for your license and registration.

At the top of my Christmas list in BLACK BOLD LETTERS is: MORE PICTURES OF BRITNEY SPEARS’ ASS. And just in time and right on schedule, I got my wish. I also wished for bleach and forks to gouge my eyes out after viewing said pics, but Santa wasn’t feeling all that generous I guess. I think he’s had it with the attention whores of fame.

So here you go, pics of Britney showing her best feature, which just so happens to be a far site better than her face these days. Nothing like have your face bloated from Starbucks frappes, prescription drugs, heavy doses of Nyquil and whatever other crap Brit shoves in her gaping maw. This new lifestyle has done wonders for her skin. She’s a real beauty that Britney.

Pics courtesy of Dlisted, Wenn.

Good heavens.  I’ve seen some horrid cosmetic surgery in my day.  Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Joan Rivers, Priscilla Presley.  But I do believe that this could just be one of the worst pieces of cosmetic surgery I’ve ever seen.

Joan Van Ark, star of 1980’s soapy drama Knot’s Landing, is sporting what appears to be either burn salve or an extremely bad reaction to a chemical peel at a charity event this past week.  I mean, this seriously looks literally painful.

It does seem in the past few years that she’s undergone some procedures, but at least in this earlier shot she didn’t look quite so cadaverous.  She looks kind of like Dina Lohan, dontchathink?

And in this old publicity shot from the 1980’s, it looks like she’s had a bit of tweaking done, but it was tastefully presented.

I hope that she just had an allergic reaction to a cosmetic or something (although that doesn’t explain the spiderlashes).  Why do people feel this need to surgically alter themselves to this extent?  Whatever happened to aging gracefully?  Did she think this would be good for her career?  Well, it did get her in the gossip pages this week…

I’m going to admit that I barely know who these guys are (Brody is the son of perpetually surprised Olympian Bruce Jenner), so go ahead and laugh at me now.  Apparently, that’s Brody on the left and Frankie on the right.

I just wanted to say that perhaps the wrong guy dressed up as Batman.

I know getting old happens to all of us, but what happened to Richard Grieco (remember 21 Jump Street?  mmm, Off. Booker) is not a raging case of the old, but rather a raging case of the “Hollywood.”

When Johnny Depp left 21 Jump Street to pursue a real acting career, the execs brought in Richard to fill his “hottie” spot for the young female demographics (of which I belonged, thank you very much). He wasn’t Johnny, but he sure knew how to work those eyebrows.

Then the “Hollywood” hit him. Don’t know what the Hollywood is? Well it consist of a toxic dose of coke, alcohol, skanky whores, neglect, straight to DVD movies, TV spots, living on the edge and most likely some botched plastic surgery.

Richard is 42 years old and looks beat down. Hard. Like with a bat to the face. This kind of thing is deserving of a strongly worded letter to someone. First Mickey Rourke and now Richard Grieco? For pete’s sake, is NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For proof that failure in Hollywood will make you ugly, here’s Johnny Depp, then 24 and now, at age 45. You do the math. Age has nothing to do with what’s happened to Richard.

Source: Dlisted 

Britney Spears, not to be outdone by Lindsay Lohan, has made a point of keeping her good name in the tabloids with all sorts of tawdryness.

Earlier (one post down to be exact) we discussed an interview Britney was doing with OK! Magazine, which was being touted as a “let it all hang out” sort of thing. Kind of like Britney’s outfits, but I digress y’all. Now before you get all in a twitter, it seems the handsome folks at Mollygood have some updates about that. Apparently it’s not as bad as it was first described, which in light of how bad is was first described is kind of a bummer. From an article in the Daily Mail:

She [Britney] was “completely out of it” during the shoot and the photos are so bad that to publish them could “kill her career”.

Apparently Britney was snapped with her eyes rolled back in her head. Her mood, they claim, was extremely erratic. The website reported: “She was also completely paranoid … fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her.”

She then ordered some fried chicken and when she’d finished eating, wiped her sticky fingers on a several-thousand dollar Gucci dress she was wearing for the shoot. Then, as a foul finale, Brit’s little lapdog pooped all over the floor, and she reportedly used a Chanel dress to mop it up.

So does this mean we won’t see Britney wipe KFC on Gucci, clean dogcrap with Chanel, and turn down hair and beauty professionals for her own “skanky” people? The same skanks who we know are trained in the art of whore chic and hillbilly haute couture. I mean gosh, just look at Britney, she is like some kind of Venus. You know, the planet made up of smelly, deadly gases.

Oh, and just in case that didn’t make you feel all sorts of queasy, there are additional rumors that little Brit-Brit (or as we like to think of her, Malibu’s own Daisy Mae) is pregnant. Again. And she doesn’t know the baby’s father. Which if you think about it, is kind of a good thing really because look how well the first two pregnancies turned out when we KNEW who the father was.

No offense SPF and JJ, just sayin’ is all.

Anyway, all in all, this was a good week for Glosslip to stop slacking off. I mean how fair is it to earn $1.35 a day and not do any work. It’s like grand larceny or something.