Every once in a while you read something that just makes you cringe and say, Oh come on!
This is one of those stories.

Apparently, Simon Cowell has written a letter, excuse me… a VERY LONNNNNNG letter to his younger self and it was published in the Daily Mail. I didn’t read all of it, because #1…. I have a life, and #2… it was just making me cringe so much I was getting a crick in my neck. And also one of my pet peeves is someone talking in the third person.

First off, who does this? 
Or if you are so silly to do so, do you have it published so everyone can say EWWWWW and think you are a total douche? Really, can Simon be any more full of himself?

Simon must have started at a very early age. The picture below is probably how Simon started out.

Simon Give Us Kiss Now.. You Handsome Dog!

He wrote this letter to himself because his 50th birthday is right around the corner on Oct 7th. I was speechless as I skimmed over the letter and just couldn’t believe what I was reading. We couldn’t post the whole letter here because it was beyond HUGE.

It’s best to read the entire letter yourself on the Daily Mail website.
The letter was entitled, “SIMON COWELL: A letter to my shallow, reckless, cocky younger self“.
I kid you not. Oh! Be sure to have a bucket handy. Click here and gag.

Eonline reported:

Simon Cowell’s Gone Soft (and Long-Winded) in His Old Age

Someone needs to pull the pen from Simon Cowell’s fingers.
While we love it when the crotchety American Idol judge decides to air his dirty laundry in public (that Susan Boyle botch list was a classic), is an absurdly lengthy diatribe really necessary?

On the cusp of his 50th birthday next week, Cowell wrote a letter to himself published in yesterday’s Daily Mail in the U.K. In it, he looks back on the past few decades, scolding himself for poor decisions he made in the ’80s and ’90s and patting himself on the back for the good ones.

It would be a good, self-deprecating, third-person about-face, but regardless of what he says, nearly 3,500 words makes for nothing but a puff (as in puff, the magic ego) piece.

“You are on a roll and you think the good times will last forever but, oh dear, Simon. You are so, so wrong,” he writes to the 1980s version of himself. “You look like a complete idiot…you are overconfident, far too cocky and dressed from head to toe in expensive designer gear…It hasn’t dawned on you yet, you idiot, that you can’t afford any of this stuff.”

Of course, Mr. Tight T-shirts takes it easy on himself for the final 1,000 words or so.

“I must say, despite everything, I’m quite proud of you, Simon,” he says. “You’re happy, you’re content and just incredibly grateful for where you are.”

Then he goes on to list what’s changed for him over the years—really important things like what he drinks and snacks on and how he doesn’t like to bum $5 from anyone. He pats himself on the back for never marrying because he’s such a workaholic, and for staying friends with his exes.

“Your job, Simon, was to make celebrities, not to become one yourself, dear boy,” he says. “Underneath it all, Simon, you are a realist. You don’t believe the hype about yourself. You can see what you do well and what you do badly. People think you are this Machiavellian character, forever plotting and scheming.”

He ends his diatribe as Hallmark would have intended—”So happy birthday! Love Simon”—although we’d hate to see the card size needed to print this self-loving loathing opus.

“Happy Birthday LOVE Simon“? I think I just threw up a little.

The definition for narcissism is as follows:

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself.
2. Psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one’s own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
4. The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits

Well I am not sure if #3 applies to Simon, but it would not surprise me one iota!

His letter did remind me of a little poem from my grammar school days when people used to sign your autograph book when you graduated. The all so familiar ”roses are red” rhymes and those little clever ditties like “2 great, 2B, 4 gotten”.

No it wasn’t the “roses are red, violets are black, go sit on a tack“ rhyme that came to mind. (although it certainly would apply)

It was the following little poem, which I would like to dedicate to Simon on his upcoming 50th birthday….

You love yourself you think your grand..
You go to the movies and hold your hand.
You slip your arm around your waist…
And when you get fresh.. you slap your face!

With new reports of Cowell doing American Idol for another two years and also producing “The X Factor” in the US, he will be making over 100 million by this time next year. *shakes head*

It is quite obvious that he can care less that this letter to himself makes him look like a total conceited, pompous ass. Or maybe that is exactly what he wanted. His popularity seems to stay afloat by people loving to hate him.

Oh crap, I think I just contributed to that!
Touche’ Cowell!

Yes the news is out. Dawn turns the big 4-0 tomorrow. Many great things have happened on August 15th. It was the first day of Woodstock, and back in the 60’s the Beatles played Shea Stadium, just to name a few.

Many talented people were born on the 15th, including Julia Child, jazz great, Oscar Peterson, Sir Walter Scott, and oh yeah…. Dawn of Glosslip.

Dawn’s Birthday also happens to fall on the same day as Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. I know how tickled she  is about that. *snicker* 
I would like to wish a very Happy Birthday to a very special lady.
Queen also wishes Dawn good health, wealth and romance. That should about cover it.

Happy Birthday Dawn!

Well, yeah, in that way too.  But doesn’t it just seem like yesterday we were talking about Blackout?  Now, our little birfday girl has gone and released another album, Circus, dropping it on a packed 27th birthday where she also lit the tree in Rockefeller Center in New York City.  She performed her new single Womanizer on Good Morning America yesterday morning (what, was she too embarrassed to face Matt Lauer?), and predictably, people were again Outraged! Mortified! Nay, angered! that she lipsynched:

Singing songs from her new album Circus in New York City today, Britney writhed on stage with her dancers, doing the same moves, wearing the same outfits, with the same pyrotechnics.

Following her disappointing performance on Saturday’s X Factor, where it was revealed her microphone was simply a prop when host Dermot O’Leary had to share his with the singer so she could be heard, fans could be forgiven for experiencing a sense of deja vu after today’s set.

And once again I say…get over it.  People have been doing this since darn near forever.  Brit isn’t the strongest singer around, her natural singing voice isn’t all that great, and running around dancing and jumping about doesn’t exactly lend itself to a strong vocal performance.  Britney gives performances, not concerts, and you can’t judge a performance by concert standards.

Robin Roberts said that this song would stay in your head all day long, and I’m not sure she was being complimentary.  Overall, I’m a bit sick of it, but that’s probably because I’ve had to listen to it in the course of writing these articles.  The hook does play itself over and over in your head, I will give her that.

But in the recent clips I’ve seen of her performances, she still seems a bit sluggish and nervous.  I wonder if all this is too much too soon…she’s had a year from hell, compete with mental breakdown and a diagnosis of a mental illness.  I understand her desire to get back to what she does best, but I have to think that perhaps a bit more time off might be in order.  I’d hate to see her relapse.

I will say, the guy playing the “womanizer” is the tasty hawtness, despite the Anon Brazilianwax goatee.  But maybe that’s on purpose…

Name:  Paul Fredric Simon
Birthdate:  October 13, 1941

What do you say about Paul Simon?  Two-time Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame member (and rightfully so), multiple Grammy Award winner, guitar player and songwriter extraordinaire, long-time off and on partner of Art Garfunkel…the man truly eludes description.

My favorite Paul Simon song/album?  You gotta be kidding.  There’s no way I can narrow it down.  I’ve loved Paul and his music since I was a teenager and he continues to be a favorite to this day.  It is amazing to me that he continues to have a successful career long after so many of his contemporaries have hung up their guitars and microphones.  Plus, he has the good sense to be able to laugh at himself…a rare quality in a star of his caliber.

His music has touched and influenced my life possibly more than any other musician/songwriter today.  You can have your overhyped, overglossied, overplasticed so-called “artists” of today…give me Paul Simon, a guitar, and a microphone.

Name:  Anthony Marcus Shalhoub
Birthdate:  October 9, 1953
Most Famous For:  Adrian Monk, obsessive-compulsive detective on USA Network’s Monk; the voice of Luigi in the movie Cars

Not gonna lie, I loves me some Tony Shalhoub.  Monk is one of my favorite shows and I was so happy to see that Tony was voicing the little yellow Fiat with the passion for Ferraris.

Tony has been nominated for nominated for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series six times in a row from 2003-2008.  He won in 2003, 2005, and 2006.  He has also won a Golden Globe in 2003 and a SAG Award in 2004 and 2005.   Seriously, if you have never watched Monk, it is absolute must-see television, much better than some of the crap that passes for TV shows on the Big Four.  And Monk is so going to end up with Natalie.

Plus, I’m OCD too, and my kids love to pick out stuff that Monk does and say, “Mom, that’s you!”

Quotes:

[After Lightning McQueen asks for black-walls]:  No, no, no! You don’t know what you want! Luigi know what you want. Black-wall tires, they blend into the pavement, but these white-wall tires, they say…look at me, here I am, love me!

[As Adrian Monk, repeated lines]

You’ll thank me later.

It’s a gift…and a curse.

Wipe!  Wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe!

Here’s what happened…

In other birthday news, Britney Spears’ little men celebrated their birthdays over the weekend.  Sean Preston (September 14) and Jayden James (September 12) turned three and two, respectively, and their mama presided over a cute car-themed party:

Britney Spears and her family – including sister Jamie Lynn and her daughter Maddie, brother Bryan, mom Lynne and dad Jamie – threw a car-themed joint birthday party for sons Sean Preston and Jayden James in Beverly Hills Saturday.

Sean, who turns 3 on Sunday, and Jayden, who turned 2 on Friday, were given miniature SUVs with personalized license plates.

“Britney was looking on like a very proud mommy,” a source told Usmagazine.com. “She got a kick out of watching the boys in their cars and was laughing and smiling.”

How cute can you get?  And what a huge change from last year at this time…daddy Kevin Federline threw the boys a pool party after Britney’s disastrous performance of Gimme More at the 2007 VMAs while Britney continued still farther down her slide into mental illness.  Britney has managed, over the past year, to get herself together (with the help of her father, her medications, and her continued therapy) and is continuing to slowly but surely get better and better.  Slow and steady, Brit.

I mean, who would have thought this time last year that I’d be writing such a mundane little article as this about Britney?  No “Britney flashes her nethers” or “Britney stumbles around in the street crying” or “Britney endangers her kids by running red lights.”  No.  I’m writing boring little “Britney throws her sons a birthday party” stories.  And you know what?  I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

And Happy Birthday to her little booboos!

Name:  Hugh John Mungo Grant
Birthdate:  September 9, 1960
Age:  48
Famous Movies:  The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill (But Came Down A Mountain), Four Weddings And A Funeral, About A Boy, Bridget Jones’s Diary
Most Famous For:  Being a bit of a Casanova

Had you asked me six months ago what my favorite Hugh Grant movie was, I would have said That Englishman Hill Mountain Movie, in which he played to perfection his usual stammering, charming nebbish.  However, since I visited the dollar DVD rack at my local Wal-Mart, I am changing my vote to a little-known, cheesy, completely ridiculous piece of fluff called The Lady And The Highwayman.  It was a 1989 UK television movie and it features Hugh not only on a horse, but also in a puffy shirt, wearing a mask, brandishing a hat with a big feather, wearing an unfortunate wig, AND swordfights!  And not a stammer in sight!  You absolutely must find this movie.  I’m serious, I love it.  Don’t look at me like that.

My favorite Hugh Grant quote, to Jay Leno, after he was busted for wanting to do zexytimes with a prosty:

I think you know in life what’s a good thing to do and what’s a bad thing, and I did a bad thing. And there you have it.

At least he’s honest.  What more is there to say?  Happy Birthday!

Name:  Andy Samuel Griffith
Birthdate:  June 1, 1926
Most Famous For:  Sheriff Andy Taylor, The Andy Griffith Show

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that The Andy Griffith Show is my mostest favoritest show ever, and Andy Griffith was the nucleus of that.  Drawing from so many of his own life experiences, he was able to make a small-town sheriff into someone who transcended the one-note joke he could have been into a wonderfully nuanced character from whom we could all learn a thing or two.

He’s had many other roles since, but I’ll always remember him as the small-town sheriff without a gun, Andy Taylor.  Someday I’d love to meet him and just shake his hand, and thank him for not only many hours of amusement but for teaching me some life lessons along the way.  And if I have to share my birthday with anyone, I’m thrilled that it is him. 

I know this clip mostly features Barney, but it says it all.

Name:  Shaun Daily
Birthdate:  May 17, 19??
Occupation:  BTR Today host

Shaun is a great friend of GlossLip, and we’ like to honor him on today, his birthday!  He hosts a fascinating radio news show every day, BTR Today, which covers the gamut from conservative/liberal slants in the USA, to international news with Will Kern, to celebrity stuff with us.  He also is the host of TV Talk, where you can call in and discuss your favorite scripted television shows.

He won the 2007 MediaBlvd.com Excellence in New Media Award, and in 2005 he was inducted into the Honor Society of Broadcast Professionals.  Therefore, you so need to tune in to one of his shows and check him out!

Happy Birthday, Shaun!  Go out and celebrate with lots of caek!

Name:  Pierce Brendan Brosnan
Birthdate:  May 16, 1953
Breakout Role:  Titular role, Remington Steele

It’s no big secret that I am a huge Pierce Brosnan fan from way back in the 1980’s, when I first saw the opening credits for a little show called Remington Steele, so indulge me for a bit.  As a dorky teenager, I fell for the twinkling blue eyes and mysterious smile and never looked back.  I can remember sitting in my mom’s tacky little living room, watching on a console television that still had a dial and rabbit ears encased in aluminum foil, and thinking, “This man is going to be a star.”  (I was smart, even back then.)

He not only was the best Bond (imo), but he’s a general all-around great guy, committed to his causes and still making great movies.  The fact that he’s Irish (he became an American citizen in 2004) doesn’t hurt matters any (considering my own heritage is part Irish, part Scot).  And today, I found out he is the new face of L’Oreal Men Expert line of skincare.  Hey, whatever keeps those Irish eyes a-smilin’ is fine with me.

I just bought The Thomas Crown Affair, and I own all the Bonds, so I may have to have a Brosnan movie night tonight…

Trivia:

• He had problems with the line “If you’re Q, does that make him R?” in The World Is Not Enough, because his Irish accent got in the way of proper pronunciation (he says it “Ahrh”).
• In the movie Tomorrow Never Dies, a stuntman got a bit too into the scene and hit Pierce in the mouth with his helmet, causing him to have to receive emergency stitches (but finished the scene!).  In the scene where he’s driving and answers the call from Elliot Carver, you can just see the stitches before he answers his mobile.  He now has a scar just above his lip, and it is referenced in the opening scenes of Die Another Day.
• Also in the opening scenes of Die Another Day, Pierce blew out his meniscus when he jumped on that last hovercraft.  You can see him slip.  Ow!

Favorite movie lines:

Xenia Onatopp:  Nice to meet you, Mr. Bond.
Bond:  The pleasure, I’m sure, was all mine.  (Goldeneye)

Q:  Here’s your cell phone.  Talk here, listen here.
Bond:  So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all these years?  (Tomorrow Never Dies)

Bond [strolling into a hotel in Hong Kong dripping wet in nothing but a pair of pajamas]:  My usual suite, please.  (Die Another Day)