If the rumors of violence-prone model Naomi Campbell dating 300 actor Gerard Butler are true, then I will have finally found the inspiration I need to begin my new binge and purge diet.  Nothing makes me want to hurl more than the thought of that foul, wretched, vicious she-beast Naomi getting busy with the beautiful and exquisite Gerard Butler. 

This article has the details that have sparked the rumors:

The couple, who attended the Sony Ericsson Open tennis finals in Miami last week (begs02APR07), are reportedly desperate to keep their alleged relationship under wraps. An eyewitness tells The Scoop, “(Campbell) came out of the hotel first and got into a waiting SUV (Sports Utility Vehicle). “Then a few minutes later, Gerard came out and got into the vehicle. And when they arrived back, they got out of either side of the vehicle and went into the hotel separately.”

Maybe they were merely sharing a ride.  Let’s hope so, because if I find out that Naomi has been sullying my Gerard, she’s gonna get a taste of her own medicine.  This “domestic helper” fights back and I use ninja stars and numb chucks, not cellphones and Blackberries. 

Watch your back you crazy beeyotch.

Avril Lavigne isn’t fooling anyone with her half-hearted attempt to take potshots a Britney Spears. 

Avril, barely a footnote in the pop music annals, has recently been using Britney Spears’ rehab troubles to make a name for herself and her flagging record sales (her new single “Girlfriend” can’t even be found on the Billboard charts).  In an interview for Sun (UK) Magazine, Avril had these nasty things to say about fellow pop-singer and hugely popular celebrity Britney Spears:

“What’s happened to Britney is all down to who she is as a person. If you want a piece of this business, you have to be able to deal with it. You can’t complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness, because that’s the job.”

That’s a rich piece of tapestry coming from a young lass who was recently dealt a PR blow by spitting in the face of photographers and signing “F*ck You” to autograph-seeking fans.  Avril was later forced to give a half-assed apology - ostensibly to her fans - for the spitting, as it became evident that no one was buying her “tough chick” angst anymore.  Even more ironic, she had the nerve to imply that Britney couldn’t handle her liquor, unlike Avril who states that while she also drinks “no one really gets to know” [about it] - ‘cuz you know, Avril’s so damn discreet.
But wait, there’s more…

According to a report from MSNBC, the next issue of Star Magazine will outline that not only is Britney Spears, 25, forking over $12 million more than initially reported, she also has some parting words for her ex-husband, aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, 29:

“You’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but thank you for my babies.”

Hehe, that’s awesome.  I’ve said the same thing to people.  Random people.  Strangers.  It really leaves them confused. 

Star is also reporting more details from the divorce agreement: 

•  A 2004 pre-nup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.
• He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.
• $25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple’s two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.
• Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.
• He’s forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.

Hot damn.  I wish I would have knocked Britney up, that’s like winning the damned lottery.  I guess losing her mind for the last four months did more damage than originally reported. How on earth does he get the children four days a week?  That’s almost unheard of in California.  I guess that b*tch (K-Fed) gets to keep his Ferrari too.

I would be so ashamed if I were him.  The guy can’t make a dime on his own, has no discernible talents and has done only one remotely positive thing since screwing up Britney’s life: babysit his own kids for a month.  I am not trying to justify Britney’s behavior or selfish stupidity as of late, but there is NO WAY that K-Fed deserves any of what he’s getting.  I hope it’s an extreme exaggeration.  Poor Britney, poor mentally impaired and half-crazy Britney.  She better start making some money or she’s gonna be living on Cokes and Cheetos.

I love how gays can’t leave other gays alone.

Out Magazine’s lastest issue published a bold list of high profile gays titled “The Power 50, The Most Powerful Gay Men and Women In America.” Some are openly gay, like comedian Ellen Degeneres, financial expert Suze Orman (who only recently came out as gay) and Congressman Barney Frank, and of course, the ultra-sexy gossip gangsta Perez Hilton (Mario Laviendera) who is ranked at No. 17. Awesome!

That’s all well and good, because well, those people have stated they are gay, and as such, clearly don’t mind being considered gay. But what I find truly WRONG — on so many levels — is that they put two people on the cover who haven’t come out as being gay, actress Jodie Foster and CNN anchor Anderson Cooper with the caption “The Class Closet, Why Stars Won’t Come Out And Play.”
But wait, there’s more…

According to a press release, MySpace star Tila Tequila is in the development process of a pilot for a series on VH1. Tequila, best known for having more MySpace friends than any other human being in the universe, has made a name for herself as being a little bit raunchy and little bit rock n’ roll. Kind of like Marie Osmond on meth.

While we haven’t been given any specifics about the premise of the show, Tequila says this about what to expect:

“This show will be unlike anything anyone has seen on television before. I want to push the envelope as far as I can.”

If pushing the envelope means wearing as little as possible and posing in positions that show as much as possible of her nethers and breasts, then expect her to push the envelope right up your posterior. I would expect nothing less from a gal who is best known for being on the “cover and/or featured in numerous magazines–such as Time, Maxim, and Rolling Stone’s ‘Hot Issue’ — for being the most ‘friended’ person on the social networking site MySpace.com.”

Tequila also released a single called “I Love U” with producer Lil’ Jon, which has only had any real success on the iTunes video chart, but is reportedly the first video to give you an STD in your eyes just from watching it. Okay, not really. But it did leave me with a burning sensation. I can’t wait for her new show, it’s gonna be totally rad!! And excruciatingly painful.

Here’s a snippet of Tila’s new single (after the jump,) “I Love U” which is reportedly a slam to ex-boyfriend Jared Leto, the girl who sings for 30 Seconds To Mars. Feast your ears, but cover your eyes so the STDs don’t getcha! NSFW or eyes.
But wait, there’s more…

2007 and hasn’t been any better for Paris Hilton than 2006, and if the law shows no mercy she and pal Nicole Richie may both end up serving time in the slammer for DUI and probation violations.

 The LA City Attorney’s office announced yesterday that Paris violated her probation when she was pulled over on Feb.27 while racing down Sunset after dark with her head lights off.  When police pulled her over, it was discovered that she was driving on a suspended license, though she and her spokesman, Elliot Mintz claimed to have no knowledge of this:

“When Paris called me [after she was pulled over], she asked if her license was suspended,” Mintz said. “If that’s the case, she and I are unaware of it.”

Well as they say, ignorance of the law is not an excuse.  Paris’ license had been suspended as part of her punishment from a DUI arrest in September of 2006.  A hearing to determine her fate is set for April 17th.  I can’t wait!

Paris’ Simple Life star Nicole Richie is facing her own legal woes for similar issues.  In this case, her DUI charge from a December 2006 arrest violated her probation from a 2003 heroin possession. 

As the joke goes, maybe next year’s Simple Life can be called The Simple Life: Cellmates!

Ooh, or better yet The Simple Life: It’s Slammer Time.  Can’t Touch This - and who would want to?  Gross.

Rap star Marshall Mathers, better known by his performance name, Eminem has reached an agreement with his twice-divorced wife Kim Mathers to stop the public insults in the interest of their daughter Hailie. 

The couple had been engaged in a public war of words for almost the entire history of their relationship since Eminem became famous back in the late 90’s.  The two were married for the first time in 1999 and then divorced in 2001 only to remarry in January of 2006 and then divorce again in December of the same year.  Got all that?  ‘Cuz that’s the stuff of true love.

In the past year Kim Mathers has spoken out about her estranged husband using what Mather’s claims were “derogatory, disparaging, inflammatory and otherwise negative comments” about him, which led him to take legal action.  Action which he claimed was on behalf of their 11-year old daughter.  Mathers explained that she was at an age where this public hostility between the two were affecting Hailie’s personal life and causing her pain in respect to her peers, because she was being picked on about it.  I can appreciate his concern, although……

Ms. Mather’s lawyer states that Eminen is still permitted to perform songs that are “critical” about her.  Songs like “Kim”, where Eminem sings sweet nothings like:

Don’t you get it bitch, no one can hear you? Now shut the fuck up and get what’s comin to you, You were supposed to love me
{*Kim choking*} NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!

Sweet Mother Mary, if that doesn’t just melt your heart, then you are made of stone.  A cold, unfeeling stone wall of insensitivity I tell you. And this must be a huge relief to little Hailie that her parents won’t be publicly bickering like a couple of three-year-olds, and the only public humiliation she must now face is her dad’s riveting performances where he simulates killing her mother to screaming hordes of fans.

Progress made, case closed.

Reports and pictures have been circulating that Paris Hilton has a new man ensnared in her toxic web of STD’s and vacant stares.  This time the hapless victim is “Desperate Housewives” actor Josh Henderson. 

What possible motive would anyone have for dating a whore like Paris Hilton?  And I am not using whore as some kind of euphemism.  Seriously, she’s a total whore with herpes,videos showing her screwing guys, flashing her skanky lady bits and she doesn’t wear underwear.  I realize that Hollywood’s “different” than the rest of the world, but even Hell has standards, and they wouldn’t want Paris Hilton down there scuzzing the place up, leaving slime trails and herp pox everywhere.

Maybe I am just not enlightened, but if you KNOW that someone has something as permanent as herpes and whose name has become synonymous with terms like whore, useless, talentless and retarded - why would you still date them?  For all intents and purposes, Paris Hilton should have been branded with a huge W and then forced to languish her days in the South Pole where penguins would use her to block the wind and wipe their poop on.  I am so confused.

Should we even be reporting news on Jeremy Piven?  He’s a parody of all things cheesy about Hollywood. If I read a story about him showing up on Valentine’s Day at a packed chic restaurant without a reservation, demanding a table, and when turned down, barking at the hostess “Don’t you know who I am?” and then berating and belittling her for working at restaurant I wouldn’t even be surprised!

What?  He did that?  Well, then that only leaves one thing left for him to do, like say bullying his way into a high end foodie establishment with a party of 12, no reservation and then leaving only a copy of season one’s “Entourage” as a tip. Oh, check that off too?  Sweet mother of pearl!

The NTP reports:

He was asked never to return to Matsuhisa in Aspen by a manager. He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided. On his way out, he made a nasty comment to the manager: ‘Thanks for nothing.’ He left a DVD of the first year of ‘Entourage’ to one of the waiters. [An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving.”

I’m not trying to judge here, but could Piven be more of a total douchebag?  I’m no moviestar, but hells if I ain’t about ten times as classy as this guy.  When I leave a tip, it’s something the waitress will be talking about to her grandkids. I can hear her now,  ”One time this lady came in with her two screaming brats.  They were throwing food and one of them punched an old man in the face and the other one tripped me and I dumped hot soup on a cripple, but they left me a 20% tip.  Can you believe it?  That lady changed my life?”

Yeah, that’s how we roll in Ohio.  Respeck!

My first thought after reading the story about Bruce Willis making out with riotgrrl Courtney Love is “Who knew Bruce liked the taste of semen, cigarettes, vomit and whiskey?”  It takes all kinds.

Willis was celebrating his 52nd birthday at the Sunset club Roxy on March 19 when eyewitnesses spotted he and Courtney exchanging bodily fluids while watching the newest skank to hit town Amy Winehouse perform.  But don’t get yourself all in “Moonlighting” twitter, Bruce was later seen out on his own later that night, and Courtney’s spokesho called the encounter a “a quick hi.”  Which, when you think of it, describes her entire life.

Neat!