Should we even be reporting news on Jeremy Piven?  He’s a parody of all things cheesy about Hollywood. If I read a story about him showing up on Valentine’s Day at a packed chic restaurant without a reservation, demanding a table, and when turned down, barking at the hostess “Don’t you know who I am?” and then berating and belittling her for working at restaurant I wouldn’t even be surprised!

What?  He did that?  Well, then that only leaves one thing left for him to do, like say bullying his way into a high end foodie establishment with a party of 12, no reservation and then leaving only a copy of season one’s “Entourage” as a tip. Oh, check that off too?  Sweet mother of pearl!

The NTP reports:

He was asked never to return to Matsuhisa in Aspen by a manager. He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided. On his way out, he made a nasty comment to the manager: ‘Thanks for nothing.’ He left a DVD of the first year of ‘Entourage’ to one of the waiters. [An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving.”

I’m not trying to judge here, but could Piven be more of a total douchebag?  I’m no moviestar, but hells if I ain’t about ten times as classy as this guy.  When I leave a tip, it’s something the waitress will be talking about to her grandkids. I can hear her now,  ”One time this lady came in with her two screaming brats.  They were throwing food and one of them punched an old man in the face and the other one tripped me and I dumped hot soup on a cripple, but they left me a 20% tip.  Can you believe it?  That lady changed my life?”

Yeah, that’s how we roll in Ohio.  Respeck!

 

My first thought after reading the story about Bruce Willis making out with riotgrrl Courtney Love is “Who knew Bruce liked the taste of semen, cigarettes, vomit and whiskey?”  It takes all kinds.

Willis was celebrating his 52nd birthday at the Sunset club Roxy on March 19 when eyewitnesses spotted he and Courtney exchanging bodily fluids while watching the newest skank to hit town Amy Winehouse perform.  But don’t get yourself all in “Moonlighting” twitter, Bruce was later seen out on his own later that night, and Courtney’s spokesho called the encounter a “a quick hi.”  Which, when you think of it, describes her entire life.

Neat!

 

Perez Hilton, celebrity ass-kisser extraordinaire demonstrates why he never reports news on certain celebs.  Mario L. celebrates his birthday with a host of celebs, coincidentally all the same names you see him sucking up to on his piece of crap website.

I wonder when the herpes is going to take over his face and where are the pictures of him making out with Paris’ butthole?

Thank goodness I am a real journalist above such shady goings on. 

photo

In what has to be one of the most ironic cases in the history of hyprocrits, British actor Ralph Fiennes is being prompted to get tested for HIV after his brief and unprotected encounter with Qantas airline attendant Lisa Robertson.  The flight attendant and skank extraordinare–who says she had sex with Fiennes on a Qantas jet, is now admitting she had once worked as a high-class prostitute (oxy-moron alert!)

As reported by the London Daily Mail, she said she earned as much as $640 U.S. dollars a night in a Sydney brothel while working for the airline. That’s an expensive piece of ass for such an ugly face.  Although I doubt many of her clientele bothered to look.  Fiennes and Robertson hooked up in January on a flight to India,  Ralph was going to discuss HIV and practicing safe sex.

Perhaps he was testing his own theories on the importance of protection, or he’s a big phony who uses deadly diseases to travel the globe and screw flight attendants (unprotected) in airplane bathrooms.   It’s also possible that he suffers from such a raging and inflamed case of arrogance that he thinks he is somehow above people from third world countries, and therefore not susceptible to any diseases – because, you know, he’s a movie star.

Maybe he’s never heard of Rock Hudson.  Or Freddie Mercury.  Or Magic Johnson.  Or in the future - Ralph Fiennes.  Moron.

Story submitted by D-Bomb, who firmly believes in a wang with a raincoat!

The road to stardom is paved with arrests these days. Vivica Fox is the latest installment in the new “Hollywood PR On The Cheap” campaign.

TMZ is reporting that Miss Thang was popped late Tuesday night on the 101 in San Fernando Valley when cops clocked her at 80mph. You know she was ridin’ dirty. Fox failed the sobriety test given after cops chased her down in a Cadillac Escalade. I wonder what kind of rims she was sporting?

Fox was taken to Van Nuys jail where she submitted to two breathalyzer tests. CHP spokesman Leland Tang told TMZ, “It was definitely over the .08 legal limit.”

She was eventually released and a court date has been scheduled. Sexy mugshot forthcoming.

 

Can you imagine two more insufferable jackasses than Lindsay Lohan and Jude Law? Oh yeah, I suppose Paris Hilton and Gene Simmons, or Russell Crowe and Courtney Love? Perhaps even my racist Uncle Lou and his homophobe wife Judy. But that’s pretty much it.

Yep, two sluts like Jude Law and Lindsay Lohan shouldn’t be allowed to even share the same air, let alone swapping DNA, but alas, my idea of world peace and tranquility is not shared by the chaotic theory of hook-ups that is Hollywood.

Page Six reports that while Lindsay was in NYC this past weekend “she called Jude at 1 in the morning and met him at The Box, and the next night she joined he and his pals Sean Penn and Tim Robbins at The Box again.” A witness observed them “adoring each other’s company.” Lindsay’s rep Leslie Zelnick had no comment, and Law’s rep Simon Hall said, “We don’t comment on our client’s personal life.”

So is The Box some kind of euphemism for Lindsay’s vagina? Because I have to tell you, that’s not even subtle. I mean she might as well have called him and said “Hey Jude my vagina has a vacancy at approximately 1 am and I can fit you in. I can also fit in the LA Lakers, the Dallas Cowboys and the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy, but the fire department said I would exceed my maxium occupancy and they’d have to shut ‘er down. Can I pencil you in?”

And would any of that deter Jude? Hells no, he’s slept with Sienna Miller and let’s face it, there are turnpikes with less mileage.

While I try really, REALLY hard to hide my disdain for certain celebrities, I just have to say that I hope the STD that emerges from this unholy union is enough to disintegrate their genitalia leaving them with burnt craters in their nether regions.

For images of Lindsay and Jude’s box and peeper pre-explosion click over. But prepare to laugh until you cry.

But wait, there’s more…

 

If this story is true, which I am going to assume is, because that’s way more fun, then Colin Farrell really likes burgers, of the furry variety.  Yep, I said that. 

According to the outrageous Janet Charlton’s Hollywood, Colin Farrell took his ex-girlfriend Kim Bordenave and their son James by the In and Out Burger in Hollywood for some dinner and then returned later, sans the ball and chain, to get some more of the old In and Out.  Know what I mean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

The object of his late night craving, the 18-year-old Latina girl at the drive-thru window.

This further illustrates my theory that Hollywood is made up of an appealing mixture of hubris, sexual deviance, crabs, herpes, cocaine and straight up a-holes. 

I hit on Colin Farrell once at the drive-thru and the same thing happened to me.  Except instead of taking me out, he drove by and threw his used bag at the window and I got cold french fries and ketchup on my uniform.  Why you frontin’ Colin, you know want some of this!

 

This is either the greatest news on earth, or the greatest failure of mankind.

According to this story, AP entertainment editor, Jesse Washington, sent an official memo to staffers banning any stories about Paris Hilton from running on the wire service,”barring any major events.”  The story ran in the New York Observer and Washington is quoted as saying:

“There was a surprising amount of hand-wringing. A lot of people in the newsroom were saying this was tampering with the news.” Washington added that one editor’s response was: “This is a great idea — can we add North Korea?”

I wonder what they would consider a major Paris Hilton event? Like Paris bursting into flames after her vagina finally exploded from too much friction and herpes outbreaks? Or, if she were consumed by a angry swath of photogs on their way to Anna Nicole’s funeral?  What if Paris, overcome by philanthropic ectasy, adopts an abandoned orphanage in Africa overflowing with disease and squalor?

I don’t see why this is news, some sites have tampered with news stories concerning Paris Hilton since they received their last payment, theatening letter, ego-stroking obligatory correspondence from the heiress.

Worry not Paris Hilton faithfuls, this is one site that will not bow to the pressure of mainstream media.  I will not be bullied into suppression.  My mind is a steely oasis against conformity and I will carry the mantle of free speach like Ms. Liberty herself.  Because I am nothing, if not a slave to my passion for truthful journalism.  And porn.  I like that too.

From the geniuses at WWTDD.

 

Sean “Puffy P. Diddy” Combs gets what he wants, when he wants it.  Including some other dude’s chick. 

A real estate agent named Gerard Rechnitzer filed a complaint against Combs for allegedly punching him in the face.  According to various reports, Mr. Rechnitzer and his girlfriend were leaving the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on Sunday at around 2:30am, when he stopped off to use the restroom.  Upon exiting, he noticed a group of men circled around his girlfriend, with Mr. Combs pressing her to come join them for an after-hours Oscar’s party.  The hotel is directly across from the Kodiak Theatre where the Oscars were held the same night.

Mr. Rechnitzer claims he observed this “chatting up” of his girlfriend for a few minutes (WTF? pansy!) when he finally interrupted and urged his girlfriend to leave with him.  Here’s where it gets fuzzy.  Either Diddy was telling Rechnitzer to piss off and get lost, or the girlfriend was reluctant to walk away from such a stellar opportunity to hang out with some high end thugs - whichever the case - Mr. Rechnitzer stated he was punched in the face so hard he “flew back five feet.” 

Alright, some things don’t add up here.  First of all, if this woman was really his girlfriend and she allowed herself to be surrounded by an entourage of Diddy and his posse, then she is a straight up ho.  I would have Emma Peeled their asses and hit them with my purse and taken a head count, all while filing my nails and checking my profile.  Why?  Because I am secret government agent who models on the side. 

Second of all, Diddy is a rapper.  Not an intimidating gansta rapper, but a lamesta rapper.  He dines on champagne and caviar, not crack and rusty nails.  It’s not like he’s got fists of steel or something.  If he hit a man and knocked him back five feet, then that man was made of lucky charms and marshmallows.  In which case, he deserved to be punched and have his girlfriend leave with the likes of Diddy.  

That said, Diddy’s a punk.  Any real man would have beat Diddy’s ass down, and my man, he would have rolled up on his flaming Harley, head bathed in fire and blown all their asses away.  Yeah, he’s hot!! 

 

Actor Ralph Fiennes proves that even famous people aren’t always discriminating or smart. 

Fiennes 44, was aboard a Qantas flight from Darwin, Australia, to Mumbai, India, on January 24, when he engaged in unprotected sex with flight attendant Lisa Roberston, and then again at his hotel in Mumbai.  Ironically, Fiennes was on his way to India to give a talk about HIV and the importance of practicing safe sex. 

And when I say ironic, what I mean is, Ralph Fiennes screws strangers without covering his jimmy and then talks down to third world countries because he thinks he’s a fucking wizard or something.  Douche-bag!

There were some conflicting reports on who was the aggressor in this liaison, but considering he’s Ralph Fiennes and she’s a waitress in the sky, does it really matter?  Ms. Robertson, a former undercover police officer, initially denied the encounter, despite witnesses observing the two enter an in-flight lavatory.  Ms. Robertson has since been terminated from Qantas.  In statements to the press Ms. Robertson had this to say about her encounter with Fiennes

“At first I denied it because I was desperate to keep my job and I didn’t want to hurt Ralph. I know some people will think it’s disgusting and I’m not proud of what I did - it was inappropriate behaviour - but I don’t regret it.”

Ms. Robertson has since said the encounter was worth losing her job over.

“Ralph was a great lover and I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew it was against the rules and wrong but I didn’t care.”

After the salacious story broke, Ms. Robertson’s dad went on record regarding his thoughts about his daughter’s co-workers informing Qantas officials of the misconduct:

“[They're]probably ugly as a hatful of arseholes and were just jealous.”

Being as ugly as a hatful of arseholes is something Mr. Robertson should be familiar with, as his daughter is one sombrero-full of arse-fug.

Ms. Robertson, clearly an arbiter of moral behavior herself, also found Mr. Fiennes (an ambassador for children’s charity Unicef) actions somewhat dubious:

“I was a bit shocked that he didn’t wear a condom,” she said.”Looking back, I think of it as dangerous and hypocritical given that he was going to India to talk about AIDS.”

Mr. Fiennes has not denied the affair, but his rep claims Fiennes is “really embarrassed” and said this about the incident:

“This woman seduced him on a plane. She was the sexual aggressor. She initiated it. He didn’t force himself upon her.”

Fiennes, hasn’t made a public statement about the inappropriateness of having unprotected sex with a stranger while in transit to give a talk on HIV and AIDS, but a friend of the star said: “He’s been upset by any implication in her story that he forced himself on her because he didn’t.”   Of course he didn’t, he’s a sexy superstar, she’s the equivalent of a truckstop road whore in the sky.

Still not getting the point are we Ralph?  No one cares that you nailed an ugly flight attendant, or like sleeping with women old enough to be your mother.  No, it’s the poor example you set for the young people that bothers me, Ralph.  

I for one, never, ever had sex Ralph Fiennes.  He definitely didn’t dress up like Voldemort and I certainly never dressed up like Hermione Granger. And if he did trick me into doing terrible, naughty things by saying he used the ”imperious curse” on me, it’s not my fault.  He is the Dark Lord, and is magic and stuff, how could I resist?  Not that I am admitting anything because I, like Hermione Granger, am a virgin. 

Thanks to Desicritic’s Dee.