It’s a crying shame that when someone is fighting what is arguably the biggest battle of their life, they have to worry that some unscrupulous, money-grubbing twit is going to sell their secrets to the tabloids.  That’s what happened to Farrah Fawcett, as she continues her fight against cancer:

UCLA Medical Center has disciplined an employee for snooping in Farrah Fawcett’s medical records, the hospital said Wednesday, a few weeks after announcing that several employees were fired for taking peeks at Britney Spears’ files.

Fawcett expressed concern to a doctor in May that details of her condition were being leaked to tabloids, and he reported it to hospital executives, UCLA spokeswoman Roxanne Moster said.

Fawcett’s attorney, Kim Swartz, said an employee at the hospital accessed Fawcett’s medical records without authorization, and details about her cancer treatment later showed up in the National Enquirer. The tabloid published details about a recurrence in Fawcett’s cancer before she had a chance to tell family and friends, Swartz said.

“She’s a very private person and she’s reluctant to go public about this, let alone take legal action,” Swartz said. “She’s fighting for her life.”

Farrah was declared cancer-free in February 2007, but the cancer returned a few months later.  She has been seeking treatment in Germany:

“It’s disturbing to her when there are false reports that she’s given up and wants to die, when the opposite is true,” said Swartz. “She’s a strong person and a fighter.” […]

“She is cautiously optimistic,” Craig J. Nevius told the Times. Nevius is producing a documentary about the former star of “Charlie’s Angels” and her battle with cancer.

“Farrah has learned the hard way that with cancer, the test is time. At the moment she has no detectable cancer,” he said.

In related snoopiness, several workers were disciplined and thirteen were fired after peeking around in Britney’s files when she had her 5150 hold a few months ago.

For the Enquirer’s part, they are taking the high road:

Enquirer senior reporter Alan Smith told the Times that Fawcett’s cancer is newsworthy.

“We publish what we believe is accurate,” he said.

Isn’t that nice.  I could come on here and say that Britney is the spawn of two aliens and that she drinks goat’s blood for breakfast, claim that I believe it is accurate, and I guess that makes it journalism.  Hey, I just found a way to make my job a whole lot easier!  Forget all the fact-checking, cross-referencing, and making sure I get my story straight, I’ll just pull things out of my butt and say, “I believe it is accurate.”  Because if I believe it, it’s so!

Look, whether you are Farrah Fawcett, Britney Spears, or Joe Schmoe The Ragpicker, when you enter a hospital you have certain expectations of privacy.  Anyone who would sell things like this to the tabloid press should not only be fired but prevented from working in any sort of health-care industry again, no matter if they were a nurse or a janitor.  You need to concentrate on getting well, not worrying about whether somebody is rifling through your personal files.

Our prayers and best wishes go out to Farrah in her continued recovery.

When will these people learn?  (Probably never, because if they did we’d all be out of business.)  Richie Sambora, lead guitarist for Bon Jovi and two-time rehabber, was busted for DUI:

Law enforcement sources tell us the Bon Jovi guitarist was pulled over by the Laguna Beach PD just before 11:00 PM last night. Cops say they observed him driving erratically in a black Hummer and pulled him over. He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI.

At the station, a cooperative Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD tells TMZ there’s no indication of drugs.

But the hits just keep coming…there was a mysterious woman and not one, but two juveniles in the vehicle, one of which was Richie’s daughter with Heather Locklear, Ava:

Richie Sambora was busted for DUI with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car, along with another juvenile and another adult — a woman. If Sambora was driving drunk, he could be charged with endangering the two kids.

Police sources tell us Sambora has not been charged with endangerment but the Laguna Beach P.D. is “actively investigating.”

And, police sources say, after Sambora was busted, the cops called Heather Locklear, Ava’s mom. We’re told Heather authorized the woman in the car to drive her daughter home.

It never ceases to amaze me how the rich and famous can continuously, repeatedly, and so thoroughly screw up their lives.  Why do we have all these celebs being popped for DUI, when they can, oh, I don’t know…AFFORD A DRIVER???  If nothing else, the woman in the vehicle should have refused to get in with those two girls as long as Richie was behind the wheel.  It’s called “being a responsible adult,” and these people might try it sometime.  I hope they bust her too, for just being stupid enough to get in the vehicle.

It sounds like he needs some more time in rehab.  Richie, dude, get help.  Drinking and driving is no joke.  Maybe the third time will be a charm, but keep trying until it works.

If he needs help, I sincerely hope he gets it, because we definitely do not need any more stories like this.

Oh, in case you’d forgotten, Richie left Heather Locklear, Ava’s mommy, for her then-BFF, Denise “Someone’s tampered wit da bawwwwwwmb” Richards.  That woman sullies everything she gets her hands on!  She’s poison, I tell you, poison!  (don’t forget the boycott!)

Yesterday, as most of the United States watched Eli Manning and the New York Giants take down Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, New Orleans (any more “New” names?  Okay then, we can continue) took time out to have a parade, and guess who reigned as Bacchus?

Do you know what it means to be king in Orleans? Hulk Hogan, named King Bacchus by the Carnival group that first brought celebrities to lead their parades, said Friday that he was just starting to. 

“This is better than winning the World Wrestling Federation championship and slamming Andre the Giant!” he told a small crowd of patients, parents, doctors and other employees in a parking lot outside Children’s Hospital. “It’s just now hitting me how big this is and what an honor it is.”

He styled next to a huge plaque naming him Bacchus, god of wine and mirth, held up by krewe captain Owen “Pip” Brennan. […]

Each year the Krewe of Bacchus’ celebrity king visits Children’s Hospital to meet the patients. In a statement released Tuesday by Bacchus officials, the celebrity wrestler said one reason he accepted the offer to lead this year’s parade was Bacchus’ relationship with the hospital.

Well.  Isn’t that nice.  He can do good things for children in the hospital (and let me say that I in no way am belittling visiting children in the hospital), but he can’t take care of his own children or help them grow up to do things like, oh I don’t now, accept personal responsibility?  Or perhaps not supply alcohol to a party that teenage son Nick was at the day of his accident which put his friend, Marine John Graziano, in the hospital with life-threatening injuries?  You know the accident where Nick was found to have alcohol in his bloodstream?  (Now, before anyone jumps my butt, I didn’t say Hulk gave his son a beer, just that he supplied alcohol to a party that his son was at.  Any other conclusions, you’ll have to draw yourself.  You see, I have to say these things so that certain people can have what I did and did not say made clear to them.)

Chairman of the Crewe of Bacchus King Committee Michael Hunt (yeah, if I had that name I would want to be called “Michael”, too) defended his choice of 1980’s has-been wrestler and drunken-driver-father as its celebrity monarch:

Hunt is clearly frustrated with the knee-jerk criticism of the selection.

“People don’t know what goes into the process,” Hunt said. “We don’t sit around toasting marshmallows. It’s a very exact science.”

Hunt explained that he and a group of advisers begin by throwing celebrity names around. Then, he said, “as arrogant as it sounds, I deem if they’re worthy.” […]

Hunt wishes the public would trust his selection instincts. He points out that last year he presented TV mobster James Gandolfini at the height of his popularity. Though, he cryptically recalled, Gandolfini “did what most people should never do: believe that they are the god of wine.”

Hunt views the controversy surrounding his selection of Hogan as a perverse plus.

“Running Hulk Hogan is the perfect choice because it incites controversy,” he said. “Controversy isn’t always bad.”

Look up “irony” in the dictionary and you’ll find this.

You know, when I first read this, it reminded me of manipulators who take someone emotionally weaker than they are and work on that, telling them that their family and friends don’t care any more, that the manipulator is the only one who TRULY cares.  I could be wrong, but then again…?

[Sam] Lutfi said of [Britney’s] family, “They have an agenda. Their agenda is jealously because they don’t fit in. I do. They see her three times a year.”

Britney was by the phone during Lutfi’s conversation with [Harvey] Levin [owner of TMZ]. Lutfi claimed he did not force Britney to buy a car, asking Brit, “Did I force you to buy a car.” In a heavy southern accent she responded, “No.” He continued, “Do I ever bug you.” She replied, “We argue.”

Is anyone else totally creeped out by that?  It’s like the manipulator and his prisoner…he brings her up out of her box to stand there and parrot monosyllabic answers while he does all the talking.

But what else is interesting about this little tidbit is this line:

Lutfi said there was no intervention last night, but then said Britney’s family “barged in.” For the record, the family is staging an intervention and Lutfi has been kept in the dark.

Um…HELLO?  Isn’t an “intervention” supposed to be a surprise thing?  It sounds like the only one surprised is Osmarmy because everybody else on the planet knows about it.  Way to keep it on the down-low, folks.

And like I said yesterday, I don’t think “intervention” is quite the correct term here…what are they going to say to her, if she doesn’t get help they’ll never speak to her again?  They barely speak to her now.  Or that they’ll withdrawal monetary support?  Um, she’s the one supporting them.  Perhaps they’ll not let her see her kids?  The court tried that, it didn’t work.  They aren’t planning an intervention…an argument, perhaps, or a strong talking-to, or a finger-waggle with a “no no no”, but not an intervention.

In other Brit news, she took delivery of a new Mercedes-Benz yesterday.  Yes, another one.  And apparently she went shopping for it in the middle of her, um, intervention:

As TMZ first reported, the family is staging an intervention so Britney can get help for her bipolar disorder. Family sources say they are furious at Lutfi, claiming he pushed Brit into going to B.H. Mercedes today to buy a new car — in the middle of the effort to save her.

And just what did she buy?  A black, two-seater, SLK 350 Mercedes-Benz, for which she paid $55,000.  Cash.  Paid in full.  What, no place for child seats?  Then she went out driving in it later that night, only to get lost and have to ask one of her pap friends to help.

That’s right, folks…all you who shelled out fifteen bucks for her CDs are co-conspirators with Osmarmy.  She used your money to buy a car that’s worth more than many people’s houses, possibly more than the houses of the very people who have supported her by buying her products.  That’s the money she uses to blow her life away, while her kids grow up with no mother.

Can I tie this very irrational decision to my theory on the effects of her menstrual cycle to her possible bipolar symptoms?

This is quite possibly the most frightening video of Brit I’ve seen yet.  I like what Michael from dlisted had to say about it:

Brit’s relationship with the paps is so f*cking strange. She’s standing there like a little girl and they are saying sh*t like “ooooh, it’s ok Britney…it’s ok…don’t be scared” while snapping away. It’s like they are petting her head and slapping her in the face at the same time.

(video language NSFW)

UPDATE:  TMZ is reporting that Brit is getting some medical help for her mental health issues, which apparently have been confirmed as bipolarity.  However, she is having the typical problem of taking her meds for a while, feeling better, and then stopping them:

Britney has seen doctors who have been referred by other doctors, plus doctors who have been referred by celebrities Britney knows, and doctors referred by her lawyers, family and friends. We’re told the process has been excruciating for her, partly because her disease is severe.

Sources tell slightly different stories about the efficacy of the medication. A friend says when Britney takes her medicine she is like “a different person — normal and sweet.” But she takes her meds for a while and then feels as if she can live without it — so she stops taking them — and her condition quickly deteriorates. But a professional tells TMZ flatly, “The medication just isn’t working.”

That same professional tells TMZ, “She’s really trying. Whether it works — we’ll have to see.” That person also says it’s extremely frustrating when the media shows video of Britney out on the town acting crazy, adding, “She has a disease. Sometimes when you see her she’s in the middle of an episode. It’s like mocking someone with Down syndrome.”

UPDATE#2:  You simply must see this video.  At some point she turns her shirt completely around and wears it backwards (you don’t see it on tape but it’s obvious).  And check out Osmarmy’s eyeroll.

WHERE IS HER MOTHER???

UPDATE #3:  According to X17 (I really hate that site, but sometimes it’s the only place to go for info, true or not), Brit has been up for over 60 hours.  It would seem this is the manic phase.

Forgive me for not giving a crap about this nutjob’s “apology.” Apologies only count when you decide to do it on your own because you realize you have hurt or offended someone, not because you’ve been forced in to it, due to overwhelming pressure from higher-ups.

Not only did this hateful buttplug cheapen Heath Ledger’s death, an absolutely crass, cruel and pointless thing to do, but he’s been making fun of gay people for some time now. Haven’t we had enough of this right-wing based agenda of hate?

Here’s the original clip where John mocks Heath’s death, and makes fun of his one-time role playing a gay/bi-sexual cowboy in the critically acclaimed film “Brokeback Mountain.”

But wait, there’s more…

Sorry, I can’t blame this one on anything but selfishness.  Here’s Brit’s parking in a two handicapped spots on her little jaunt to Petco on Wednesday.

And there’s nothing further I can say, because any further elaboration is totally unnecessary.

And crazazy baby daddy Charlie Sheen is not too happy about it.  Apparently Denise (whom I’ve personally never forgiven for screwing up The World Is Not Enough) is trying to get a reality show together and wants to use her 2- and 3-year-old daughters in it.  Charlie, understandably, is irate and the whole circus is headed to court today:

According to sources, Sheen is irate over the show’s intent to feature his and Richards’ two daughters, 3-year old Sam and 2-year old Lola.

“This goes against everything Sheen believes in… and he feels it’s exploitative of the children for the mother’s own vanity and greed,” a source close to Sheen reveals to Extra.

Charlie has to give his consent for anything like this to happen, and so far he has refused to do so.  Denise is going to court and try to get Charlie’s power as their father revoked in this matter so she can move forward without his permission.

Charlie Sheen isn’t one of my favorite individuals, but then neither is Denise Richards.  I can still hear her flappy lips…”Thumone’s tampered wit da baaaaawm!”  But she’s sinking to a whole new low with this one.  What sort of mom puts her toddlers on television in a reality show?  This is just a shameless, transparent, greedy grab for money by Denise, using her daughters as bait.  It isn’t like reality shows are real, anyway, and this sort of intrusion in her daughter’s lives could cause painful and lasting problems that could stay with them all their lives.  Whoring out her daughters for public consumption at this tender age is reprehensible and amoral.

And what makes her think the court will be sympathetic to a request like this?  If I were the judge in this case, I’d throw things at Denise and laugh.  Then I’d give Charlie a medal for putting up with her special brand of crazazy.  I’d kick him in the butt too, just for good measure, because I’m sure he deserves one.  But then I’d shake his hand for being the better parent in this case.

These poor little girls don’t know enough to make decisions like this on their own yet, so they depend on their parents to make the right decisions for them.  Unfortunately, they got stuck with these two, but at least their father is attempting to do the right thing this time.  I’m with Charlie on this one and I hope he kicks Denise’s butt right where it hurts, in the wallet area.

UPDATE:  Apparently some judges in Hollywood are stupider than others.  TMZ is saying that Denise can film her little reality show “with restrictions”.  We don’t know what those restrictions are, but we can assume that none of it involves things like “using brains” and “demonstrating care and concern as a parent” and “not emotionally pimping one’s daughters for fun and profit”.  Denise is reportedly happy, and if I were a betting person I’d say that Charlie is home punching holes in cement walls and chewing railroad spikes into halfpenny nails.

Just rename them Britney and Lindsay now and get it over with.

Flaming marshmallows on a stick, has this girl fried ALL her brain cells?

News is now emerging that Amy Winehouse, singer and druggie extraordinaire, is being investigated on charges of allegedly trying to fix the upcoming trial concerning her husband, Blake Whatever-Whatever.  This report comes from News Of The World (considering they’re like the British National Enquirer, you can take it FWIW, although other reputable news sources have reported it as well):

Amy has been told to present herself to detectives for questioning this week. She is likely to be quizzed under caution.

A police source said: “This is a very significant development in the investigation.”

The distraught diva will be finger-printed and required to give DNA samples because police believe they could link her to crucial documents at the heart of their investigation into an alleged conspiracy to pervert the course of justice—a crime that can carry a LIFE sentence.

If she fails to show up she faces the humiliation of a raid on her new home in Bow, east London, and formal arrest.

But wait, there’s more…

Well, screw my dreams of extending my life through mindless laughter and jovial cheer, people with better comedic timing and an uncanny sense of wit are selfishly keeping the funny to themselves.

Seriously, I appreciate and respect the idea of similarly trained individuals banning together for a common good: their paycheck. Without this loosely banded group of people, they would have to suffer under the tyrannical oppression of “The Man.” And no one wants “The Man” keeping them down.

So I am in solidarity with the writer’s guild, or whatever these people are officially called. They deserve pay increases, health insurance, paid vacations, protection from sexual discrimination — all that work-related jazz. But enough is enough already. Can’t the evil executives at the networks and film production companies just give these crazy, angry, and oh so funny people what they want, so I can get back to my very sparse viewing habits?

Apparently, one of the things they (The Writers Guild of America) want (and pardon my ignorance, but I was born with it so EXCUUUUSE ME) is a share in the profit of the increasingly popular downloadable medium taking the world by storm. I can now take my favorite TV show (hmm…not sure what that is, but hypothetically speaking we’ll say 24) and download it on my ipod and watch it over and over again at my leisure.

The idea is that like TV show which go into syndication, or songs that get played over and over on the radio, there’s someone keeping track and the creators are supposed to get paid each time that show/song is enjoyed. The concept that people might be downloading your handcrafted jokes and watching it more than once, sharing it with their friends, or sending it to their Grammy, very much pisses these writer types off, and the studio execs can’t seem to come up with a solution.

So now, because all these smarty pants people who put the fun in funny are riled up, I can’t watch SNL. Granted, SNL manages to squeeze in an inordinate number of re-runs anyway, I would still like a glimmer of hope that I might be lucky enough to catch a new show every once in a while.

So on that note all you striking writers, Merry Farkling Thanksgiving to you, oh hoarders of the punchlines. Do us all a favor, keep it real solemn at this year’s feast, we wouldn’t want anyone chortling without dropping you a dime or anything. Greedy bastards!

Okay, yeah, sorry…old ADD joke.  Those of us with ADD understand.

I’m going to try and condense a couple Brit stories into one article, so bear with me.  First, about that drug test that supposedly came back positive.  Brit’s people originally tried to blame it on the Provigil that was spotted in her purse a few weeks ago…but that isn’t an amphetamine, and that is what showed up on the test.  Then, the said her inhaler that she takes for her “asthma” was the culprit…but Albuterol isn’t an amphetamine either.  Now, they’re blaming the medication that she takes for her Attention Deficit Disorder, Adderall…which IS an amphetamine. And that could be what showed up on the test.

From what I hear, that stuff is like crack.  I wonder (and this is just my wonderings, folks) if she gets all her meds from the same doctor, or if she goes to different places.  She certainly has a lot of things going on, and meds must be carefully regulated.  I hope she has a reputable doctor doing all the regulating. And oh yeah…I so called this a while back, when I said she appeared to have ADD.  Take it from someone who knows the symptoms, ‘k?

Of course, if she’s on all these medications, it could explain some things about her behavior.

I’m not even touching the report that she allegedly had lipo over the weekend in Las Vegas (you were a week too late, D!). They probably found eight pounds of Starbucks in there. Here’s a thought, Brit…stay away from McD’s and Taco Bell, get smaller Starbucks with nonfat or soy milk, and eat at home every so often instead of fast food and restaurants.

But you know…I don’t think Brit has a bad figure. She doesn’t look like her rock-hard abs 18-year-old self, but she isn’t that girl any more…she’s almost 26, with two kids. She just needs to quit wearing clothes that accentuate her bumps.

And then, either late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning, Brit ran over yet another paparazzi foot!  This makes a hat-trick:

The threepeat took place as Spears was driving into the hotel’s parking garage, with the usual swarm of camera wielders surrounding her vehicle. A hotel security guard was on hand to ostensibly, but futilely, limit the chaos.

“Back up, back up,” he told the shutterbugs as Spears made her way down the hotel’s drive. No sooner had he issued the warning then one unheeding paparazzo began screaming out. Other cameramen coming to his aid, yelling at Spears to stop driving, which she briefly did.

The security guard, however, seemed unmoved by the incident.

“Back off the drive, gentlemen,” he said.  [They were on private property at the time.]  ”This won’t happen if you just back off the drive.” […]

Spears, 25, plowed over the paws of a photographer late last month while exiting a doctor’s office. While the foot-flattening mishap was captured on film, the paparazzo chose to press charges, apparently deciding not to further tick off the pop star.

But when it comes to peace officers, it’s a different story.

Earlier this month, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed it was investigating a claim that Spears ran over the foot of a Los Angeles County Sheriff’s deputy while fleeing a custody hearing.

On Thursday, police said that even though paparazzi haven’t filed any complaints, investigators  are looking into all the incidents, in part because Spears left the scene each time.

The LAPD is also demanding Spears provide a statement about the deputy incident or else face a possible misdemeanor count.

Yes, she did, and we have video.  Now, I will say this…taking photographs of stars is one thing.  You’re a star, there’s a photographer, expect your picture taken.  But this is totally ridiculous.  In her face, on her car…I mean, seriously!  I don’t advocate violence, but if they’re stupid enough to stand that close, then they shouldn’t be surprised when they get their foot run over.  Moron.  Even little kids know to get out of the way of a moving car.

But then…she’s captured driving around, I am assuming trying to outrun the paps, and she’s texting on her phone.  While driving.  In traffic.  Isn’t there a law or something?

First of all…distracted driving?  One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is not to be distracted while driving, and that includes cellphones and texting.  And second…what is she doing out at night, trying to outrun the paps?  What is that about?  If she has money enough to buy a big crystal chandelier, or fifty million blouses that double as dresses, or eleventy zillion Fraps, or a $200,000 Mercedes (oh yeah, she surely needed a V12 car), she can HIRE A DRIVER.  Then she can text to her little heart’s content and let the DRIVER worry about the paps.  Or let that guy Sam Lufti drive, he’s better than nothing (please tell me she isn’t doing sexytime with him).  Um…HELLO? Get a driver and a bodyguard, Brit. A good part of your problems will be solved immediately.

And after all this, there’s another emergency hearing on Friday concerning her driving.  The video shot of her blowing the red light at a busy intersection will be Exhibit A.  This, however, is the video of her running over the foot and then texting while driving. I first saw this on Perez, so…thanks, Perez! (Some of the language is NSFW)