Good gravy.  I wasn’t sure about reporting this, but it’s everywhere.  Just when you think this bunch can’t possibly get any more dysfunctional, they go and exceed all expectations.  Word on the internets is that Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister of Britney, who already has one infant at home, done oopsied and did it again (yeah, it’s so overused, but it’s so easy, and it’s early in the morning, folks):

Whoops – she did it again!  Teen Prego Queen Jamie Lynn Spears has another bun in the oven, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER is reporting exclusively – and her pals are begging her to abort.

In a blockbuster world exclusive, The ENQUIRER has learned that the 17-year-old Zoey 101 starlet  is now expecting for the second time – a mere three months after giving birth on June 19 to baby Maddie Briann.

Jamie’s desperate to keep the shock­ing news secret and some people close to her are urging Jamie Lynn to consider ending the pregnancy, sources say.

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source.  “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

Too late.

You ask how in the world a young woman can possibly get preggers again that quick?  Well, let’s take a look at her backwoods reasoning:

“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.

Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Here’s a news flash for ya…OF COURSE YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHILE YOU’RE BREASTFEEDING!  You know what they call people who use that line of reasoning?  Parents of more than one child!

Well, first, good on her for breastfeeding.  So at least she’s got that part right.  But what, realistically, are the chances of her getting pregnant while nursing little Maddie Briann?

In general, if your baby is under 6 months, you have not had a period and you are nursing frequently around the clock, chances are about 1 percent of you getting pregnant.

After you get a period or after your baby is 6 months old, your chances increase. Once your baby does not rely on you for all food and begins to nurse less, your body is more amenable to getting pregnant again.

So, slim, but not none.  Of course we don’t know specifics, but if Jamie Lynn isn’t nursing exclusively or has started to wean the baby onto some solid foods, and the baby isn’t nursing as much, it could happen that Jamie Lynn could get pregnant again.  But, it could happen anyway.  Every woman is different.

But there’s one of the problems…Jamie Lynn is not a woman, even though she has had sex and given birth.  Of course, this is my opinion, but she’s just seventeen…she’s still a teenager, not a woman.  Her body is still growing and changing.  Call me a prude if you want, but quite frankly, she’s got no business getting pregnant again, or even having sex at all for that matter.  She has not even gone ahead and married Casey Aldridge, Maddie’s father, and from most accounts it doesn’t look likely that she will (he’s been accused of cheating on her).  I’m not even sure she’s not still jailbait in some states.  She’s still a child herself, for cryin’ out loud!

Look, I realize that even in the best of families with the best intentions, things happen.  Doesn’t make them right, but they happen, and you deal with it the best you can.  But twice now?  Honestly, that doesn’t seem so much an “accident” as a cry for help.  This family has never been accused of being the most well-adjusted family.  Just a theory, but maybe Jamie Lynn just wants to settle down and be a mom and get out of the celeb rat race, and this is her way of doing it, whether consciously or subconsciously.  Wonder how much Lynne will try to get out of this baby’s pictorial?

Before anyone starts on me in the comments, I don’t hate Jamie Lynn.  I feel sorry for her.  With all her fame and money, she doesn’t seem to be happy.  You never see her smiling any more, not even with the baby.  I think she needs to stop having sex, focus on taking care of the baby she already has, and work on getting her smile back.

And lastly…it’s the Enquirer.  It’s about 50/50 on whether or not this is the truth.  I really hope it is not true, for all concerned.  Next they’ll be saying the father is Elvis and the baby is a green alien with three heads.  Ouch, epidural, stat!

What can you add to this?  These three have gone through a few years of what could only politely be termed hell.  For a while there, nobody was speaking to anybody and they seemed to be the epitome of the word “dysfunctional”.

Now, look at them.  Britney is still not out of the woods yet dealing with her various mental and drug problems, Jamie Lynn is still a teenage mom, and yes, there is still a long way to go in their respective relationships, but this is a good start.

None of these people have ever been my favorites (I personally think Lynne [and dad Jamie too] had a lot to do with how messed up the girls have become), but I can’t help but think that perhaps things are looking up.  I also can’t help but notice that it seems Britney is wearing the same shoes as the ones snapped in that infamous curbside photo, the one where she is crying and cuddling London.  Hey, when you find a pair of shoes you like, why get rid of them?

Yes, it is undoubtedly a staged photo op for the benefit of the paps, but let’s not let a small detail get in the way, huh?

Sexy Times Can Make You Fat

I really, really, REALLY, wanted to avoid this topic. While it is just BEGGING to be picked apart for all of the inherent hypocrisies, (for example Gov. Palin is a staunch believer in teaching abstinence-only in schools – but apparently not at home) I did promise not to be a part of the finger-pointing brigade, but I can’t keep my concerns quiet.

Unless you’ve been hiding from endangered polar bears in an Alaskan cave, then you are certainly aware of the controversy surrounding Alaska Governor Sarah Palin who is now the GOP VP nominee. Palin announced earlier this week that her eldest daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant and will keep her baby and wed the baby’s father, Levi Johnston. Ok, that’s reasonable. Unplanned babies happen to even the best (or in the case of the Spears) the worst of families. It really isn’t my place to judge their decision, although I do have some concerns about how her family dealt with the realities of conception BEFORE they were put in that position. Palin has stated that “Christian values” are at the core of her belief system, so it’s only fair to point out the obvious. Isn’t it a no-no to have sex before marriage? I am not judging, just asking.

So, if this difficult family matter wasn’t enough, we now have celebs adding their two cents into the matter.

Sadly, celebrities and politics intertwine more than they should, but when I heard that Jamie Lynn Spears and her mother Lynne Spears have reached out to the Palin family in their time of need, I thought, “Oh gee, just what the McCain/Palin campaign needs….the Spears factor.”

So why in heaven’s name do we need the train wreck of Jamie Lynn Spears, a Nickelodeon teen star whose popular show “Zoey 101″ geared towards tweens, throwing her clown nose into this ten-ring circus for? Here’s the scoop:

Teenage mom Jamie Lynn Spears has sent troubled Alaskan 17-year-old Bristol Palin a baby gift package following the scandal surrounding her pregnancy.

Spears, who revealed she was pregnant last Christmas — when she was just 16 — feels a kinship to Palin, the daughter of Republican Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin, and decided to show her support by sending designer baby burpcloths.

The Palin family confirmed reports their eldest daughter Sarah was pregnant shortly after the Alaskan governor was picked as Senator John McCain’s running mate in the upcoming presidential election.

“Access Hollywood” has revealed Jamie Lynn’s mother Lynne Spears called Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor on her daughter’s behalf to order a small gift.

A store insider explains Lynne and Jamie Lynn wanted to send a gift worth under $100 to Bristol, and chose a collection of Plain Mary white burp cloths with pink writing.

The note attached to the gift read, “Dear Bristol, Hang in there … xoxo, Jamie Lynn.”

First of all, if I were a famous person, I’d stop buying stuff from Petit Tresor. They are nosy busy-bodies who can’t keep their snooty-mouths shut. Secondly, can we as a country stop glamorizing this teen unwed mother crap? Please? I am begging you. As a mother of two small kids and two grown step-kids this is NOT the impression I want to send to my children. Parenting is a very difficult job regardless of income and status. Children require tons of time, effort and patience. They get sick, they need infinite love and guidance and most of all, they really need the maturity that comes with age and experience.

While I am not suggesting there aren’t many success stories of single, unwed mothers, or teen mothers who are forced to marry their baby-daddies due to political pressure, the odds are stacked against them.

Children who are in high school should be focusing on their education and their future, not raising unplanned babies. But of course, I believe in a little thing called teaching abstinence to teens, REINFORCING those values at home, and as a necessary back up, providing them hands-on sex-education that includes information about reliable contraception.

Heck they even had that stuff back in the stone age when I was a teen. Sheesh, who would have thought a social liberal would end up having more conservative values than Christian evangelicals?

This here video (said with a drawl) featuring a close facsimile of Jamie Lynn Spears, explains the reproductive system and asks the question, “Where do babies come from?” Something apparently Jamie Lynn didn’t know 9 months ago, but clearly knows now.

I have to admit, any video that can rhyme wiener with vageener is a winner!

 

Jamie Lynn Spears (not dad Jamie nor mom Lynne…seriously, don’t they have baby books down there in Louisiana?) has completed another step of her education (she already passed Sex Ed) and passed her GED:

The 16-year-old pregnant star of Zoey 101 was seen studying for the exam last month and has expressed interest in attending Louisiana State University.

“I haven’t thought anything about what I might study,” she has said. “I’ll have to look more into that. But if I went anywhere, I think it would be fun to go to LSU.”

Hey, y’all, can you get me a dorm room with a nursery?  Because there’s this baby…

Oh wait, she’s going to give the baby to her mom to raise.  Becuase her mom did such a good job with her and her sister, don’t you know.

And it seems she’s having some, um, issues with being pregnant:

Various internet news websites report that the Zoey 101 star is in serious denial about her delicate state and, rather worryingly, is also having severe body-image issues.

Jamie Lynn’s state of mind is said to have got so bad, her mother, Lynne, supposedly jetted across the country to be by her side after Jamie screamed at her down the phone, saying: “I’m not pregnant!”

So far gone is Spears’ denial, she’s said to be “trying to go about her life as she always did,” says an insider. “She still hangs out until late at night and eats junk food.” [...]

The craziest and lamest tidbit of all has to be the claim that a friend supposedly joked at a party that he liked Jamie Lynn’s “sexy new curves” – ’twas a compliment that sent Spears into a spin as she snapped back, “Shut up!”

Star magazine reports that Spears then turned to a female companion and said, “I hate my body!”

“Jamie Lynn is having severe body image issues,” adds the insider. “For the past few years, she’s been this cute little TV star. Now she sees herself ballooning – and she can’t handle it.”

Um…HELLO?  Welcome to reality, Jamie Lynn.  This is what happens when little girls try to grow up too fast.  Unfortunately, it seems (from everything I’ve read) that she’s not quite ready for motherhood, since it’s been said she’s basically handing off the baby to her mother once it is born.  Gotta resume the fun life!

Seriously, I applaud her on getting her GED (which, I think, is more than her sister has…correct me if I’m wrong).  But it’s clear she still has the mindset of a typical 16-year-old.  I’m not saying at all that you can’t be a single mom and go to college (lots of women have successfully done it, and without the money that Jamie Lynn has to hire nannies and support and pay for tuition without having to work too).  But I am saying that she will have a baby, and I hope she doesn’t just dump Little Jamie Junior off on meemaw and run off to party.  It seems that she just doesn’t realize how much of a life-changing event having a baby can be…of course, she is only sixteen, which unfortunately is old enough to have adult sex but too young to comprehend the consequences.

Time to pay the piper.  But I’m sure she can do that with the millions she’ll get from the exclusive baby photo deal I’m sure her so-called mother has in the works.

Here’s Spears’ baby-daddy #2 Casey Aldridge’s high school year book picture courtesy of Us Magazine. Kind of puts things in perspective as we viciously pass judgment on the two soon-to-be parents. All too soon if you ask me.

I have been reading the internets today and people are in a TWITTER over this whole Jamie Lynn Spears teen pregnancy nonsense. I find it all so sad, yet so ironic (I think that about lots of things actually)

Celebs are perhaps the worst invention of the modern world. On one hand they are given special treatment, overly compensated for doing not much of anything except entertaining us (and even that’s debatable), and worst of all, they are put on a pedestal by people who are so lacking in their own lives they have no one else to look up to. Then, when they fail to live up to the standard we’ve set for them, we bash them mercilessly. A vicious cycle of abuse.

Clearly Jamie Lynn is not smart or responsible. Neither is her baby-daddy Casey. Getting pregnant at 16 is pretty avoidable when you have the resources Jamie Lynn had. But, we must remember Jamie Lynn comes from a broken home, her mother is clearly not a great role model, her father is a recovering alcoholic, her sister suffers from fame-induced psychosis, and they’re all saddled with deep South sensibilities (or being “country” as they like to call it). Just because you throw money and fame in the mix doesn’t mean you are going to get something positive out the other end.

I don’t envy famous people in the slightest. Being robbed of your privacy would be horrible. Being forced to have all of your dirty laundry aired in public would be rotten. But it is a conscious choice people make and can be easily fixed by staying out of the limelight.

Jamie Lynn could have kept quiet about her pregnancy. That’s not to say she wouldn’t have been outed at some point, because, as we know, babies have a way of making themselves known eventually. But surely she didn’t need to make matters worse by bringing public scrutiny to her doorstep and making a pretty penny off it to boot.

I guess no matter what she did, this would have been a huge stink. Underage pregnancy is a real problem, and no matter how many people try and sugar-coat it by saying Jamie Lynn could end up being a good mom, the fact is, this was a really poor choice to make on her part. This however, does NOT make her a whore or any of the other really nasty things I have read about her all over the web. Even I was tempted to make that correlation
when I first read about the story. But the more I thought about it, the more pathetic it became and I just don’t have to heart to assail this young woman for being so incredibly inept at taking care of herself. I blame her mother, society, her sister and myself.

Jamie Lynn, rest assured you are a big doofus for getting knocked up, but you are NOT a whore. Don’t let them pin that one on you ok? Glad we got that settled.

Yes, you read that right. According to sources close to the family, Casey Aldridge, the father to Jamie Lynn’s unborn child has nothing to offer. Other than his DNA, which he cheerfully offered her a few weeks back.

From the Life& Style story (ALWAYS, ALWAYS believe the tabloids):

“Jamie Lynn and Casey are NOT together. They’ve broken up numerous times, but he was her first and she kept taking him back,” says the insider.

“They’re not dating now. He’s really got nothing to offer this baby. He’s a kid himself. They have no plans to get married.”

“At this point, Jamie Lynn has asked her mom — and not Casey — to be in the delivery room with her.”

A rep for Jamie Lynn was not immediately available for comment.

So this little innocent baby is set to be born to an under-age minor who has described the pregnancy as a “shock,” and now has to grow up with the knowledge its parents didn’t plan him, its father has nothing to offer, its aunt is a f*cking lunatic addicted to Venti frappes, its grandma is perhaps the worst celeb mom on the planet, its uncle is a failed rapping wanksta, and its two little cousins were voted most likely to wear dentures before reaching the age of ten.

Isn’t this a bit much for a little tot to bear at such a tender age?

Well, look at it this way, if our Savior survived being born in a stable to an unwed mother and was able to grow up and become a hailed success story, even little unnamed, unplanned Spears baby #3 has the slimmest of hopes.

I am rooting for you little fetus. Just remember, where there is hope, there is opportunity.