There are only a handful of celebrities who annoy me enough to make me fantasize about punching them violently in the face. Spencer Pratt’s one of them, Donald Trump’s another, but John Mayer, well I don’t want to punch him in the face so much as knee him as hard as possible in the groin, destroying any chance he might have of reproducing anything that contains his DNA.

Now hear me out before you write me off for being a borderline maniac. I have good reason for my ire, and it can be summed up with this little gem from Us Magazine:

“I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t,” the singer posted on Twitter Tuesday.

Mayer has romanced Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz, among other Hollywood babes.

Mayer goes on to explain the difference between “douches,” “famewhores” and “showbiz types.”

“‘Showbiz types’ are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet,” Mayer posted on Twitter.

“Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much,” continued Mayer, who has so much to say, he once held a press conference with paparazzi after splitting from Aniston.

“So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry,” continues Mayer.

Guess what Mayer considers himself.

“I’m a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!!” Mayer added.

Au contraire, mon frère, people think you are a douche John, for the sole reason that you felt it necessary to even share the above witicisms with the world. The non-showbiz types, as you call them, don’t care about who you’ve dated, because they live in the real world, where real women, with real personalities, real lives and dare I say, real boobs, live. And despite what you think, nailing c-list chubbies like Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt does not make you some kind of renaissance man, but rather a dude with low-self esteem. And when you finally did date high-end chicks like Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz, you clearly didn’t have what it takes to keep them interested, and therefore you are making up for what you so clearly lack, by bragging about it.

You sir, Mr. Mayer, suffer from what we in the real-world call a blistering case of fucktarditis, which is a symptom of too much money and fame, and not enough talent. So, instead of worrying about what you THINK is the reason dudes (and chicks) see you as a raging d-bag, you should be worrying about how you will make ends meet once you’ve worn out your welcome and your 15-minutes are up.

Or to put it another way, since you fancy yourself as some kind of gifted musician, ask yourself what would Mick Jagger do? The answer is, nail the hotties and keep his mouth shut. You should try doing to same, though you will never be a Mick Jagger and I apologize to Mick for the comparison.

Delusional attention whores have to get their start somewhere and there’s no place better than straight off the John Mayer Peen Ride of fame-whoring. Above is a video featuring the alleged “new” girlfriend (now ex of course) of singer/songwriter John Mayer, who as we know, had an on and off relationship with actress Jennifer Aniston.

Well, as is often the case with karma, it’s a bitch. Scheana Marie is giving John Mayer a dose of his own medicine. In the above video Scheana talks about how she met John, what she likes about John, what she and John do together, what kind of underwear John likes (ok, I made up that last one) and so on and so forth. In essence she just put the final nail in her dead-end relationship coffin by doing the one thing famous people hate when hooking up with the non-famous: she blabbed about it.

It’s only fair though, because John Mayer used Jennifer Aniston (and vice versa it seems) to raise his fame-level and then went on to blab about their relationship in every form possible, including TMZ impromptu interviews, on his blog, in the tabloids and of course, on his Twitter page. Dude has a major case of logorrhea and pretty much deserves to have some dimwitted blabbermouth talking to anyone who will listen all about their special pillow-talk times to the world.

Dumb whores, both of them. Welcome to irrelevance Scheana, your 15 minutes are up.

Hey Jen, did I ever tell you your body is a wonderland?

Ya know, sometimes you think you know a person, and then they go and do something all kinds of DUMB and you have to scratch your head and say “Wow, who the *bleep* are you?”

And then there’s Jennifer Aniston, the tabloid’s own favorite punching bag. Remember when Jen was America’s sweetheart? She was everyone’s favorite “Friend”, her hairstyles inspired their own sub-culture and she even married the hottest eligible bachelor on the planet. Good times, good times.

Well, for Jen anyway.

Nowadays though, Ms. Aniston is still single, hated by millions of Brangeloonies who for some reason hate her simply for having the temerity to be married to Brad Pitt first, and just can’t seem to get her life quite back on track. I sometimes wonder if she is punishing herself for something.

Media outlets are reporting Jennifer and ex-boyfriend (the same ex who publicly announced HE dumped HER) John Mayer are reportedly spending time together, including some canoodling and “lingering kisses” during a flight from NYC to LA, after they’d had some private dates during her visit to NYC.

Here’s more detail from Star Magazine:

After splitting up two months ago, Jennifer Aniston flew to New York to rekindle her romance with John Mayer.

She’s been trying to mend her hurting heart with a string of hotties since they split, but now Jen has patched things up with John.

After sending a barrage of romantic email, John’s persistence has paid off. The actress jetted to New York, where the pair fanned the flames of their renewed romance with intimate sushi dinners at John’s Soho apartment and a very cozy Italian feast at Manhattan’s chic Il Mulino restaurant.

“At first Jennifer was afraid to respond to John’s messages because she was afraid he’d break her heart again,” says an insider. “The emails were especially poetic — like love songs. He said he’d never stop loving her and he’s been very, very persuasive.”

Jen had already scheduled a trip to the Big Apple to film a promotional video for her new perfume, Star has learned exclusively. But business quickly turned to pleasure.

“She could have been in and out of New York City but she lingered on to be with John,” the insider continues.

And yesterday, the couple flew to Los Angeles together. They were openly affectionate, touching each other and even sharing a kiss.

Why would Jennifer hook up with John Mayer, especially after he unloaded this gem after their last break-up?

But wait, there’s more…

Dear John:

Although some people might think you are a bit crazy to do it, I, for one, applaud your decision to wear and maintain an authentic 1980’s feathered haircut:

“Today I set off on my newest project,” writes the 30-year old musician, who made news this week after spending time in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. But his newest project isn’t romantic — it’s hairier than that. His goal: “To grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut,” he blogs, further insisting, “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time.” He admits to being “very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape,” noting, “The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. And as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.”

But as someone who actually lived through the 80’s, I have to say…you’re on your way (the jacket you have on is a nice touch), but you haven’t got it right just yet.  Please, allow me to offer you some advice.

But wait, there’s more…