No I am not talking about his bathroom habits or Britney.

It looks like K-Fed is a real dirty bird and may end up as a jail bird if he doesn’t pay up!

TMZ posted pictures on their website which revealed the total mess and supposed damage that K-Fed left behind when he moved out of his rental property in Tarzana Ca. Gee K-Fed, just because you lived in Tarzana, didn’t mean you had to live like Tarzan. *snicker*
 
So I guess it is a case of white trash, leaving trash. No surprise there.

Although TMZ may have exaggerated things a bit, the place did look pretty darn unsavory. Most of the pictures they posted were kind of boring though. *Yawn*
But we included the two pictures that made K-Fed look like a total slob.

Laundry Day At The Federlines?

Other pictures from TMZ were almost laughable, like a few tiles missing here and there, or paint wear on the cabinets with a few knobs missing.

There was one picture of an outdoor lamp that looks like there was a bird’s nest behind it. Not sure where they were going with that one. Did they think K-Fed built the nest? Oh that’s right, he is a dirty bird. *snicker*

Of course the mini fridge was pretty disgusting and there was a myriad of ciggy butts all over the property and a busted lamp and some chips in assorted things here and there.

So I guess collectively it must have looked pretty darn bad to the owners. So bad, that the owners are asking for over $100,000.00 in payback for repairs and back rent. Yup! K-Fed skipped out on SIX MONTHS rent. Whoopsy!

Popeater wrote:

One-time rapper Kevin Federline, aka “K-Fed,” is being asked to pay over $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages for a ransacked home, TMZ reports.

Aren’t the parents supposed to clean up after the kids? One-time rapper Kevin Federline, aka “K-Fed,” is being asked to pay over $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages for a ransacked home, TMZ reports.

K-Fed has been accused of trashing a Tarzana, California home where he lived until this past May. The owners also claim Federline disappeared unexpectedly without paying his last 6 months of rent.

The owners are demanding $110,661 in damages and unpaid accommodation. The list of what has been wrecked is as bizarre as it is exhaustive. Via TMZ:

- Cigarette butts and empty beer bottles filling the gutters,
- A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island,
- Cracked light covers,
- Mangled light posts,
- Cracked tiles,
- Drawings on the walls,
- Dead plants and trees due to failure to upkeep,
- Unapproved conversion of a room into a studio,
- Malfunctioning dishwasher with broken baskets,
- Smoke detectors that have been dismantled,
- Oil damage on the front driveway,
- Unapproved tinting of master bathroom windows,
- Missing garage door opener,
and the pièce de résistance
- Permanent spit marks on the exterior paint! No camels were reported on site.

The letter threatens to take K-Fed to court if he refuses to pay.

Federline, 31, is a dancer, rapper, fashion model and, ahem, actor. He was married to pop princess Britney Spears for two years before their highly-publicized divorce. They were also involved in an ongoing custody battle over sons Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline. There is no word about how clean the boys’ rooms are.

“Permanent spit marks” Huh? Maybe from chewing tobacco? Does K-Fed or his buddies partake in a little pinch between the cheek and gums? (that’s chewing tobacco for all you non-rednecks) if not, does spit actually stain paint? Ewww!

And lately, K-Fed has not exactly been the picture of health either, he is really packing on the pounds as you can clearly see.

I have read rumors that he was supposed to be on the upcoming VH1 Celebrity Fit Club Season 7, but then he denied those rumors.

But guess what? Celebrity Fit Club has just confirmed it.

Can it be that K-Fed is packing on the pounds on purpose so he can have a paying gig? It certainly looks that way to me. It seems awfully ironic that a person who has always looked very svelte, suddenly packs on the pounds and then is going to be on Celebrity Fit Club. Hmmm… I smell a rat.

Of course this is all speculation on my part. But I wouldn’t put it past Sean and Jayden’s baby daddy to supersize himself for the cash. Yes of course I know that the pictures prove he is portly now, but did he graze on food just so he can get on the show?

And if so… it further proves that reality TV has little reality.

He will also be appearing with his other ex, Shar Jackson as well as perpetual loser and Whitney Houston’s ex,Bobby Brown.

Egad, “Celebrity Fit Club” will do anything for ratings. Perhaps they can bring back Dustin Diamond (I hate Screech) with K-Fed and they can duke it out in the ring together. Now your talking ratings! I don’t know who I would root for. It’s  a toss up, but a double KO would be totally SWEET!

But seriously…

It’s time to grow up KEVIN. You’re over thirty, your career *cough* is toast, and your living like a slob. Your parenting skills have become pretty questionable now, (well, I should say have worsen) since you are not paying your bills and you turned a rental property into a total sh*t hole in your wake. Not cool when there are kids involved.

So to K-Fed… time to nut up or shut up.

And dadgummit, he’s going to do something about it:

Why is Kevin Federline breaking into the children’s clothing business? In part because he’s tired of paying for overpriced jeans for his kids Jayden, age 2, and Preston, 3.

Women’s Wear Daily reports that Federline dropped by the Project Trade show in Las Vegas Feb. 24 to research kids’ clothing styles in the hopes of starting his own line.

“It’s a really tough business, I’m trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans,” Federline told WWD. “You buy your kids a pair of True Religions, then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable.”

I would like to point out, however…

Britney pays ex-husband Kevin Federline $480,000 a year, made up of $20,000 per month in “spousal support” and $15,000 a month on nannies for their sons Preston, three, and Jayden, two.

Federline, 30, will also get a $5,000-a-week “bonus” for letting the kids join Britney, 27, on legs of her Circus tour which kicks off in New Orleans on March 3.

But having said that, I do applaud his desire to not spend good money on clothes for kids that they outgrow in two months and tear up in one.  Not sure if some people realize it or not, but there is an alternative to $200 jeans for kids…it’s called not buying designer label clothing.  I’ve never understood parents who spend bucketloads of money at the mall for jeans and t-shirts and hoodies that their kids are going to wear at the playground, especially in these economic times.  Toddlers don’t care.  Stick them in some sweats and let ‘em play…as long as they have something covering their body when they are outside, that’s all that counts.  It’s only the parents who get all crazed about designer labels when the kids are not even old enough to read.

Or do what I used to do when my kids were little and needed play clothes…go to Goodwill.  If they tear up their jeans, you’re only out a few bucks (half-off if you managed to get the tag color of the day).  And I got news for Kevin…it don’t get no better when they get older.  My teenage son can tear up a pair of jeans in no time.

But but…it IS Kevin Federline, so I do have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive.  He does seem to love his kids, but he just comes across as a bit shifty.  Only time will tell, I guess.  This could be yet another half-baked scheme, like the rap career.  Would you let your kids wear toddler jeans by the House of Kfed?

Srsly…how cute are those boys???

Okay, not just Kevin, but the entire cast shown in this clip.  Now, I’ve never seen One Tree Hill, and I don’t really know what it’s about, and I will refrain from making cracks about Kevin’s flat delivery (hey, at least he’s working), but I do have one question…are all the episodes this jittery?

I guess it’s supposed to be “edgy” and show tension and energy, but it just looks like the camera is mounted in Jell-O.  It looks like they’re filming in a high wind.  I need Dramamine to watch the clip.  The cameraman looks like he’s coming down off a three-day bender.  HOLD THE CAMERA STILL!

Anyway, here’s Kevin and his haircut, doing a great imitation of a grandfather clock with a broken pendulum.

That’s right…babydaddy Kevin Federline.  We’ve heard some second-hand information concerning his thoughts on the situation:

Kevin Federline is “worried” about Britney Spears and feels that the psychiatric hospital is the best place for her right now, a source tells PEOPLE.

Federline “doesn’t want her to get out until she’s made progress,” the source close to Federline says. “This is obviously going to help her in the end – later, much later.”

The source adds: “He’s worried. … He doesn’t even know what’s going to happen next.”

Federline, 29, was not directly involved in the latest events, “but he was aware of what was happening,” says another source, a friend of Federline’s.

And we’ve learned what he wants to happen:

“Kevin legitimately wants Britney to get better. He wants her to be in their sons’ lives. He wants them to have a loving relationship. He wants her to get healthy so she can be the mother they need and deserve,” says the friend.

But we haven’t heard a peep out of Kevin himself.

And you know what?  That’s refreshing, that there is someone who isn’t running their yapper about Britney.  I mean, don’t get me wrong…Kevin definitely has his faults, but there are things he is doing totally right.  He’s keeping the babies out of the spotlight and doing his job as a dad.  My theory on him is that sudden fame made him go a little crazy, and he made a series of bad decisions (starting with leaving Shar and getting involved with Brit to start with).  Personally, I think in many ways Kevin is more mature than Brit (taking the mental illness quotient out of it).  So, for the hat trick today, and I never thought I’d be doing this, but I’m giving out one more Breath Of Fresh Air award.

I need to lie down.

Contrary to earlier reports (and predictions) Britney Spears did make it the the courthouse today for an emergency hearing to determine temporary custody arrangements for her and her ex-husband, Kevin Federline’s two children, Sean Preston, age 2 and Jayden James, age 1. This hearing was requested by Britney’s ex-husband after the much-publicized Britney hostage stand-off on Thursday Jan. 3.

BUT, then she left.  According to TMZ, Brit came, drove around, yelled at paps, got back in her car and left.

There’s no word yet if Britney will be called to the stand, but there are many witnesses set to testify about the events of that evening, including police and medical personnel who were witness to Britney’s behavior when she refused to hand over her children after her court-monitored visitation with both kids.

We will keep you posted of any developments within this post. TMZ is reporting the hearing will likely spill over into tomorrow, so we may not have any final word from the court today.

Maybe Brit ran home for some smokes.

6:16 PM ET:  TMZ is reporting that Brit did not want to testify today:

TMZ has learned that when Britney first arrived at the courthouse and went into an underground tunnel, she was met by two of her lawyers — Anne Kiley and Tara Scott. We’re told they actually got into the Escalade to speak with her. That’s when Brit said she just didn’t want to testify.

She may or may not be back today at 3:30 PM PT (6:30 ET).  Stay tuned.
~k

6:49 PM ET:  As of 3:49 PM PT, after a stop at a church and a restaurant, Britney was back home and most definitely NOT at court, reports X17.  TMZ has live video feed and aparently Mark Vincent Kaplan, Kevin’s attorney, is about to speak to the press.

Strange how she will fight the paps to go to Starbucks or get to her favorite nightclub, but she won’t do it to go to court for her sons.
~k

7:41 PM ET:  According to TMZ, Commissioner Scott Gordon has ruled that Britney will not have visitation restored.  This is in effect at least until the next hearing on February 19.

We are still waiting for Kaplan to speak.
~k

7:45 PM ET:  According to the video feed on TMZ, spokesman Allan Parachini is saying the court ruling made on January 4 stands, and Kevin keeps full custody “indefinitely”, at least until the next hearing.  There are no plans for another hearing until February 19.  Some of the people who testified today were the parenting coach, a bodyguard of Kevin’s, the court monitor who was present during the standoff, and two LAPD cops.

Apparently the court was not “officially” aware of anything that happened in Brit’s life other than what was talked about in court today, which I believe included the events of January 3.

The sheriff’s department tried to get her in the courthouse.  The loading dock that she has used previously to enter the building was not available for her to use today because Brit did not let the department know when or if she would be there today.

Kaplan is here.  He is reiterating the news that the court order stands.  He is saying that Kevin is not seeing this as a victory and that this is a “grave situation for everybody.”  He did not take questions.
~k

8:34 PM ET:  According to the minute order, Kevin Federline was one of the people who gave testimony today.  The Commissioner ruled that the orders issued on January 4 stands, and that the prior orders concerning the parenting coach are suspended.  In other words, no need for a parenting coach when Brit doesn’t have visitation.

Again, Britney was NOT ordered to be at court today, but was strongly urged to show up by her attorneys to both show the judge that she is attempting to clean up her act and to refute any testimony given.
~k

UPDATE:  According to OK! Magazine’s liveblog of the events, Britney did make it into a holding room inside the courthouse before deciding to bail out on the day’s events:

Britney finally arrived at the courthouse — or at least the courthouse garage — around 1:10 p.m. PT. In a black Escalade driven by pal Sam Lutfi, Britney sat in the back seat with boyfriend, married photographer Adnan Ghalib, as they circled the courthouse’s public parking garage looking for a spot. The star was not admited access to a more private parking area because of the ruckus her presence has caused in the past. Meanwhile, Lutfi is slowing down so Brit can smile for the awaiting cameras.

After circling the public garage for 15 minutes, Britney is finally admitted into the monthly parking garage under the courthouse, where she is brought up into the building — and into a holding room — around 1:25 p.m. PT.

Without even entering the courtroom, witnesses are telling OK! that Brit has exited the courthouse at 1:45 p.m. PT and is circling the garage once more. Stay tuned.

So apparently she did make it into the courthouse once, via the tunnel.  She then came back out, circled the courthouse again, and it appears that it is then that she makes her dramatic declaration:

“I’m scared. I want to get in the car. I’m going in the car,” she said after stepping out of the car as photographers crowded around her.

Spears, 26, then got back in the car. Police tried to coax her out, but she slammed her back against the seat and shouted, “No!” Spears’s car eventually drove off.

Sounds like a bit of a tantrum to me.

And TMZ is reporting that her decision not to come upstairs and be in the courtroom definitely influenced Commissioner Scott Gordon, who is now convinced that Brit’s problems are more mental than drug related:

We’re told today’s witnesses presented a deeply disturbed picture of Spears. The witnesses told the story first reported on TMZ this weekend of a woman out of control. We’re also told her the judge was deeply concerned that her instability posed a danger to her children.

Commissioner Scott Gordon was definitely influenced by the fact that Spears chose not to show up in court.

~k

Ever wonder what your favorite celebrity wears for Halloween?  Wonder no more, we here at GlossLip have scoured the world searching for your favorite star trick-or-treater!  See who gets the good candy after the jump!

Rattle Dem Bones Skeleton.

LED Fog Lights.

Pimp Daddy Mooch-A-Lot.

1957 Edsel.  “The Thrill Starts With The Grill“

Ethel Merman.

Zombie Raccoon: Mascara’s Revenge

Britney, The “Oops, I Did It Again And Forgot My Pants” Era.

STD Treatment Barbie and Estilo Detroit Ken.

Benjamin Franklin.

The Statue Of Slutity.

Sorry, I couldn’t find one of Paris in costume, so you’ll have to settle for her regular clothes.

Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Gimme something good to eat!

It would seem that Kevin Federline is living in fear of getting a call that Britney has killed herself, and taken the boys with her, according to girlfriend Nicole Narain:

Kevin Federline, who is battling for custody of their two boys, said: “Britney’s behaviour has already put our kids at risk and I can’t let things get any worse.

“She’s lost all grasp on reality and is dragging the children through hell. Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me that she has killed herself.

“I can’t allow her to have custody because I seriously believe she could harm our sons. I’ve shared her life and I know she’s capable of anything with pills and a few drinks inside her.”

Hey, it was a pretty slow celeb news weekend.  From what I understand, NOTW is the British equivalent of the National Enquirer, so take that into consideration.

Yes, K-Fed has a girlfriend, and she’s talking.  She tells us how Kevin catching Brit breastfeeding little Jayden after wandering around the house with a vodka and coke, and how that last straw effectively ended the marriage.  She also spills on how Brit drives around in her car without locking them into their car seats (see the above photo) and leaves them both by and at the pool unsupervised.  Nicole says:

“He never shouts and screams about Britney in front of me. He does speak openly about his concerns for his children though.” According to Nicole, Kevin is especially worried about the damage Britney’s lifestyle is doing to their sons.

She reveals: “I was with Kevin on Monday morning when his kids turned up after spending time with Britney. He was overjoyed to see them, but deeply concerned about what they’d been through.

“On Monday he was treating Jayden for pink eye (conjunctivitis), and was worried Britney was to blame. He told me if they had joint custody he’d need two days just to get the children settled down and calm again after their stint away with Britney. He says she keeps them up and has no fixed routine which makes them over-stressed, over-tired and desperate for attention.

“He has tried to get Britney to change her ways, but gets nowhere. He gets so upset when the kids are with her that he won’t switch on the TV as he knows there will be news footage of her with them in LA.

“He can’t bear to see them looking stressed, traumatised and disorientated as she carts them off on another jaunt around town, seemingly for no reason.

“That’s one of the key reasons why he went for custody in court.”

And here’s another shocker…seems that Britney hit on Nicole a few years back in a bathroom (what is with Brit and bathrooms…Freud would have a field day with that one):

Nicole, who met Kevin at a fashion party at Hollywood club Vice, said: “I told him Britney had once tried to kiss me. We met in the toilets of Beverly Hills restaurant Mr Chows.

“I was doing my make-up and I could feel someone staring at me. It was Britney, in a green dress and looking a bit spaced-out. She looked at me in a provocative way. I found it unnerving, but I smiled to be friendly.

“She then cosied alongside me by the mirror and asked to borrow my lip-gloss.

“I agreed, put some on my finger and let her rub it on. She rolled her eyes and giggled before suggestively rubbing it over her lips. It became clear she was flirting.

“She then asked for some more and kind of leant into me and glared intensely. I thought she was hoping to get me closer to her. When I told Kevin he nodded and said, ‘Knowing her, she probably was’.

“I was shocked that she’d try to pick up someone in a toilet. I presume she’s bisexual. I threw away the lip-gloss after that, thinking how tacky her behaviour was.”

And, of course, Nicole has nothing but glowing praise for K-Fed:

The former Playboy Playmate said: “He may have been a party animal in the past, but I haven’t seen him talk about or take drugs. He does like a bourbon and Coke, but he’ll have a couple of those and call it a night.

“He has his home and that’s where he spends most of his time now.” [...]

Nicole said: “I feel sorry for Britney. She has lost the love of a very caring, passionate and intelligent man.

“At the moment his priority is fighting for his children.”

Well, hmm.  This is all very interesting and everything, but the timing is so perfect, coming out on the very weekend that Brit and K-Fed are fighting for custody of their boys, the results of which are due to be heard today or tomorrow.  Isn’t it interesting that at a time when Britney is acting out and showing some of her worst behavior, this article should come out and paint Kevin in such a positive, glowing manner.

But, think about it…why is it that we don’t have photos of Kevin with the boys?  Because he keeps his time with them behind closed doors, at home, instead of trotting them out to go thither and yon for no reason whatsoever?  Brit is well-known for getting the boys in the car and just driving around aimlessly for a while.  Mama’s gotta earn some money somehow, y’all.

And what is it with Hollywood paramours, anyway?  Doesn’t anyone know how to keep their mouths shut?  He presumably told his girlfriend these things in private conversations, so why run to the redtops and dish what she knows…or what she made up?  Or could it be that it’s with Kevin’s blessing?

I have a feeling that this article is about 50/50.  I think there’s enough truth in it to call it a duck, but I’m curious as to the veracity of some of the statements.  A couple of things I found interesting…for one, Nicole is quoted as saying K-Fed said to Britney, “If you really wanna drink then make sure the baby gets bottled milk, not yours.”  Wouldn’t he say “formula”, not “bottled milk”?  Now of course, that could just be a British interpretation of what was said, but here’s one other thing:

“Two weeks later she filed for divorce. I only found out when I heard it as a news item on the radio. I felt she was just trying to teach me a lesson for telling her off about the breast-feeding incident. But when I called she kicked off another row and screamed, ‘You’re nothing without me’. I never wanted a divorce but now I knew there was no option.”

I always thought that Kevin found out about the divorce proceedings when he was taping a show, and the cameras caught him receiving the news via text message.  All the news media touted this footage as the moment when Kevin got the divorce news.  And it was pretty obvious from the video that he had just received some sort of huge bomb dropped on him.

All in all, I think this article is pretty suspect.  I think there are a few grains of truth in it but it isn’t a complete truthful picture.  And since the tabloids in Britain pay good money for stories like this, I think maybe there was a bit of incentive there to embellish the truth, particularly the attempted hookup in the bathroom.  But I do agree that Britney could be capable of doing some sort of self-harm, and possibly hurting the boys in the process, either purposefully or inadvertently.  Before anyone freaks out about that statement, when you give your life to drugs, they become center…not your family or kids or anything else.  And I firmly believe that Brit is in no position right now to be with her kids.  The best thing she could do for them is give them to Kevin until she gets herself straightened out.  He’s no Man of the Year, but he seems to be stepping up to the plate as dad.

Don’t you love how, in the first photo, Sean looks like he can’t wait to grab hold of mommy’s ciggie?

Believing that she’s done enough to satisfy her end of the deal, Britney Spears is now going to petition the court to have overnight sleepovers at her house with her sons:

TMZ has learned Britney Spears plans to go to court tomorrow with her lawyers to ask the judge to expand her visitation rights to overnight visits with her kids. We’re told Spears was urged by her lawyers to attend the hearing, scheduled for 8:30 AM in downtown Los Angeles.

We’ve also learned Spears has now had several clean drug tests. Brit’s lawyers will use these tests and other evidence to make their case. They’ve told Britney her presence will show the judge how much she cares about the kids — she finally gets it and plans to show.

Currently, Spears has monitored visitation — the kids are deposited in the morning and returned to K-Fed in the early evening.

So, typical Britney, she thinks that she’s passed a few drug tests and gotten her license (so that she can driver over curbs at Taco Bell and get the paps to pump her gas for her), so now she’s done what the court wants her to do and she should get some relaxed rules.

Yes, she’s passed her latest random drug tests.  In a way, that’s scary, because it means this erratic behavior lately has been all Brit and not brought on by any drugged-up state.  And this judge had made it clear that he wasn’t going to take any crap off her, so she had to shape up.

I’m hoping that the judge doesn’t allow this.  She’s not shown anything yet.  A few passed drug tests over the course of a week or two is nothing….if she’s still passing them a year from now, then I’d consider it.  And let’s face it….odds are long, at best, that she even shows up.  It’s a 50/50 shot.

Marc Vincent Kaplan, attorney for K-Fed, is optimistic that the boys won’t be reading mama bedtime stories any time soon.  He tells Perez Hilton:

“The fact that a party, one week after a full court hearing, attempts to change the orders of the court, in the absence of an emergency or without any new facts, suggests a continued lack of respect and understanding for what an order of the court actually means.”

Oh, one more thing….Kevin, Brit, Sean, and Jayden all have pink eye.  It’s why Kevin had an eye patch on at the hearing and undoubtedly why Brit has been wearing sunglasses at all hours.  But since bright lights are bad for that, shouldn’t she stay away from the paps flashing cameras?  Or would that be just too much to ask?

Wash your hands, people!  They have antibacterial soap out there in Lalaland, don’t they?

Britney Spears is not losing custody of her kids, despite several news outlets reporting otherwise. She will continue to share 50/50 custody arrangements with her ex-husband Kevin Federline for their shared children Sean Preston, age two, and Jayden James, age one.

I think we can all agree that this was a really bad move on the judge’s part, but hey when you’re famous, the standard rules of conduct do NOT apply.

The judge DID demand that Britney Spears undergo drug and alcohol testing twice a week and there were some pretty damning conditions in the documents filed in the case as they relate specifically to Britney’s parenting skills and on-going issues with drug and alcohol use and possible addiction. From the filed court documents, Britney must do the following:

Meet with a Parenting Coach for a minimuin of eight hours each week, in at least two sessions per week. The Parenting Coach is to observe the Petitioner’s interaction with the minor children and her parenting skills. Counsel are ordered to meet and confer with regard to selecting the parenting coach. In the event that counsel are unable to reach an agreement within five days of this date, they are each to submit a listing of three proposed coaches and the Court will make the determination. Costs for the Parenting Coach to be borne by the Petitioner.

The Parenting Coach shall provide each coursel with a written progress report by October 22, 2007, The Parenting Coach shall appear in Department 88 on November 26, 2007:

Pursuant to Family Code Section 3041.5, the Petitioner is ordered to undergo testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol. Based on the Evidence presented, the Court finds that there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by the Petitioner. The costs of testing shall be paid by Petitioner.

Testing shall be conducted twice per week on random dates and times.

Well, that doesn’t sound good. If Shifty McSpleefster doesn’t have to do drug and alcohol testing and Britney does, then clearly Britney must be whorfing rails of coke and sucking down cherry bombs like some kind of damned demon. Dayum, I bet her urine glows in the dark. Amy Winehouse must be sooo jealous.

There were several other stipulations; including neither party can use or allow anyone else to use corporal punishment, they must attend “Parenting Without Conflict” counseling — and my personal favorite — neither can consume alcohol or controlled substances in the 12 hours prior to their custodial responsibilities with the children.

I for one, wouldn’t dream of parenting without alcohol or controlled substances, but hey, I am a professional. I also wonder which one stipulated that no “corporal punishment” is allowed? The children are two and one respectively, how much discipline do they need?

Now when they get to be three or four, I can TOTALLY understand the need for some beatdowns, but truthfully, toddlers that small are pretty docile.

Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the FBI is investigating leads that there may have been a professional contract out to whack Kevin Federline. That sort of makes my earlier line about “the hits just keeping on coming” for Britney, somewhat prophetic huh?

Yeah, so it appears Britney’s main “Wanksta” had a credible threat against his life. I can see his career maybe, but why they gotta do the K-Fed like that? Hey, a playa’s gotta play yo, but that’s no reason to kill a guy. From the ET story:

ET has several reliable sources that the FBI and LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit on KEVIN FEDERLINE’s life. Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger. Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau’s standard operating procedure when someone’s life is threatened. ET has been working this story for the past two months. When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation.

ET’s been working on the story for the past two months huh? That seems suspicious. When has a celeb site EVER sat on an explosive story like that for two months without even a peep being leaked?

Without any further details available, all we can do is speculate, which if you think about it, is all we do around here anyway. So, without further ado, allow us to speculate as to what the backstory to this might be?

Who on earth would hate K-Fed enough to have him whacked? Tony Soprano? Could be, now with K-Fed’s acting career is taking off I can see a lot of character actors being concerned, and dare I say, jealous. I mean think about it, who better to play that bit part as the “crack-dealer” on those various detective shows? And what about the part of “low-rent punk?” It’s completely unfair that all these juicy roles are going to go to the Federator, when so many other seasoned actors should be eligible for these plum roles. Truthfully, any actor in Hollywood right now could be a suspect. Kevin Federline is THAT good.

Then there’s Kevin’s ex-baby momma, Shar Jackson. Granted, she’s pretty busy trying to get her rap career going so that may not leave her enough time to organize a professional hit, but homegirl is also a multi-tasker. It takes a busy “lady” to have four kids with two baby-daddy’s before you are 28, but it certainly helps when you start at age 15. Suffice it to say, while Shar is clearly a “hard-working” woman, she’s probably not a killer.

We would be remiss in leaving out the entire rap community as having a motive. No single other performer has done more to soil the good name of rap with such a limited range of talent and musicality than Kevin Federline. He’s almost solely responsible for Kanye beating down Fiddy in their race for first place. Well, that and Kanye’s hissy fits. I’m just keepin’ it real aight?

I think that about covers the list of suspects, because other that the half a million people I just mentioned, I can’t think of a SINGLE soul who doesn’t absolutely adore the national treasure that is K-Fed.

I only wish out military weren’t so tied up right now, otherwise we could assign them the task of protecting this rare gift of extraordinary talent. Bush is such a selfish prick. Where are his priorities dammit!

(ps. No real K-Feds were hurt in the making of this post, or the above pic. Original pic found here)

Update:  Sadly, this case appears to be closed and there are no credible threats currently pending against K-Fed.