It’s hump day and what’s been going on in the world of celebrity gossip lately?
Same old crap and some new crap.

Lindsey Lohan went to court and partied the night before and the night after her court hearing. Yawn!
But wait… she said she’s afraid her Dad may kidnap her now. Uh.. again yawn. Wake me up when she does something new.

What’s also up?
Not Balloon Boy!  That news is SO rampant, that I am already tired of it. But it looks like reality has caught up with the Heenes. Honestly, I caught these loons on Wife Swap a while back and the father was a hot headed, delusional wacko, who thinks the sun rises and sets by him. I thought this man was questionable way back then, but you can’t always tell, with the way “reality” shows edit their shows. But now we know for sure. Yep! My gut instinct was totally spot on.

Now I think his wife is either abused and doesn’t know enough to get away and agrees with everything her idiot husband does regardless, or she actually agrees with everything her hubby does and also thinks you should raise your children by dragging them to twister romps and pulling them out of school and allowing them to trash talk to whomever they want. Either scenario is SAD. 
Oh! Have you seen their video on YouTube? I can’t understand what the hell they are singing about, but it looks pretty darn questionable. Future Beastie Boys ya think?

I wonder if wifey-poo will throw hubby under the bus, when it comes down to their day in court? Get out the popcorn! And as far as reality fame goes? Heenes… you got it now! Yah happy?

And more people who get under my skin…
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is back on The View. (oh joy) 
I guess little Ms. Perfect sent out some not so perfect baby pictures of her baby AND a guest appearance of her nipple to her friends and family by mistake. HA HA HA! This story brought me so much joy.

On to other idiots…
Rod Blagojevich (again NOT a celebrity), WILL appear on Celebrity Apprentice, yet another reason not to watch Trump’s show ever again.

And even more idiots…
Stephanie Pratt was busted for DUI. I wonder what bible thumper sista -in-law Heidi Montag will have to say about this? Maybe Heidi can get Stephen Baldwin to baptize Stephanie for her. ‘Cause we all know just how beneficial it was for Heidi. Praise Jesus!

And on to the King  and Queen of idiots…
Jon Gosselin is still hated by the majority of America. Well wait a minute…I stand corrected. Octomom, Nadya Suleman told Radar Online she thought Jon Gosselin was hot and has a crush on him. Ummm… hot?Perhaps Nadya needs her eyes checked and should pick up a paper every once in a while. Oh that’s right, she has 14 children, who has time?

But sorry Octomon, Jon was too busy getting his sexy on in a fancy cab with gal pal Hailey Glassman.
Hey Jon, you sure you want to pass this up? Could be a new show fer yah!
How about “John +Nadya +14+ 8 = The Earth Spinning Off It’s Axis”?

Well not if TLC has anything to say about it! They are already suing Jon for breech of contract, of course.
And he also has been ordered to pay back $180,00.00 back to his account with Kate. Kate ALSO has been ordered to pay some money back too. Seems like Karma has been rearing it’s ugly head with those two.

And speaking of Octomom, the Doc that implanted the SIX embryos (one split into two) into Octomom has been booted from the practice where he was employed for not following the rules. But of course he is still allowed to practice. Who knows what he will do now that he is on his own. I smell another reality show?
I can hear the promo now…
“Meet Dr. Eggo! He’s serving them sunny side up, so you too can have your very own reality show and start exploiting your very own litter of children in no time! Hey! Let Go Of My Eggo!”

Seriously, have you seen the latest clip of Octomon and her brood with all those kids crying? It makes me want to pull my hair out.

Speaking of child exploitation, Kate Gosselin tells Vanity Fair she ”feels like a prisoner” of her own fame and that the kids are starting to act out. STARTING to act out? Wow, if seeing Maddy in previous shows was only the start of her bitchdom, I woudn’t want to see her now. That child is not a force to be reckoned with! And please Kate…  let me get out the violin….you were being interviewed by VANITY FAIR and getting paid for it. Prisoner my ass!

On to more phony things….
Miss California, Carrie Prejean is being sued for her her boobs! K2 Productions (which directs the California USA pageant ) is asking Carrie for $5,200 back. I guess they paid for her boob job. K2 says it’s not about the money, and the money will go to charity. I doubt if will want the implants back. *snicker*

Speaking of cash….
Nicholas Cage is in a heap of debt. Cage is suing his former manager Samuel Levin for $20 million. Levin allegedly screwed with Cage’s money and Cage says that his manager is the one responsible for his current debt headache. Word of advice Nick…. don’t wait seven years before you check up on hired help that handles all your dough.

And on to big sloppy messes…
Anna Nicole Smith is back in the news again. Well, the court case of her doctors and Howard Stern that is.
In court, Larry Birkhead told a scathing account of Anna’s drug use while she was pregnant. 

Maurice Brighthaupt, former bodyguard of Anna, claims he saw Howard Stern, and Dr. Eroshevich injecting Anna with needles. He also said he saw Anna injecting herself. Why did this guy wait so long with this information? Supposedly Dr. Eroshevich was the bodyguard’s friend, as well as Stern. Sorry! No excuse.

Supposedly Anna Nicole was drinking pedialyte out of a baby bottle and laying in her own feces when found. Why was she ever brought to Florida in this condition? Now I know Anna was a complete mess with drugs, but when someone is that addicted to drugs and that incapacitated, she should have received help from the people around her, especially her doctors and those closest to her. Not checking into a Florida hotel. Stern was not present at her death, he was busy seeing a man about boat.

The IRS is also in play with Anna Nicole these days, and have filed a $125,112.86 tax lien on the estate of Vickie Lynn Marshall. So much for resting in Peace. Geez, what a mess.

And some weirdness in the news…
Marge Simpson is on the cover of Playboy’s October issue. Sorry, I didn’t find it at all amusing and I refuse to show a picture of it.
In fact I poo poo Playboy for advertising the Simpsons.

Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, Scientologist extraordinaire, donated TEN MILLLION DOLLARS to Scientology in May of 2008. Anyone that supports the Simpsons in any way is inadvertently giving money to Scientology down the line. Why would Cartwright give the money to her children, when she would rather hand it over to Scientology? Gotta keep everything KSW! (Keep Scientology Working) Right Nancy? Hope she wakes up some day.

Speaking of naughty pictures.
Levi Johnston (former husband of Bristol Palin) will be posing for Playgirl and has been in the gym bulking up for his upcoming saucy shots. I also caught him on a commercial for Wonderful Pistachio nuts. Yes, the man who will soon be showing his nuts was hawking nuts on TV. The commercial shows him with an immense bodyguard and Levi is eating a few nuts and the tag line says “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection”
I kid you not. See the commercial for yourself!
Wow! Talking about pissing Palin off! Yeehaw!

But wait it gets better….
Levi was interviewed by Vanity Fair. The name of the article is “Me and Mrs. Palin”.

Levi dishes about Palin and her lack of parenting, her bad moods, Todd flipping out and Levi was quoted as saying,

“I thought, Was this woman—who, at home, would literally say things that did not make sense—really running for vice president?”

You go Levi! I have a new respect for the boy. *snicker*

Then we move on to more puzzling things…
The court case of John Travolta.
Readers are probably wondering why I haven’t reported on this case as of yet. The testimonies in the court case were changing on a such a daily basis with so much “he said/she said” garbage going on, and with changing stories, that if I wrote about what was happening as it happened, I would have had to edit the story every single day.

I will be covering this story when and if I feel that some sort of conclusion of sorts has been made. I will say that this case has been one big puzzle of unanswered questions on BOTH sides.

And speaking of The Travoltas moving on …
Both Kelly and John attended the IAS (International Association of Scientologists)
Scientology 25th Anniversary at Scientology’s St. Hill Org in England.
Sadly, it looks like John will not be leaving this cult any time soon.

Tom Cruise, Katie and Suri were also in attendance. Poor Katie and Suri.

Scientology wanted people to believe that 4,000 people were in attendance at their event. ROTFL!
That number is just classic Scientology spin in which they are so famous for. They usually have to fly and bus tons of people in, as well as dressing up their Sea Orgers members to fill in the seats so it will look full. Reason for this? So their IAS PR photo will look like they are still successful to their members. It’s an old smoke and mirrors trick of Scientology, so they can continue to deceive their members. Lovely, isn’t it?

The IAS is nothing more than members donating money to Scientology. (which the majority goes straight to cult leader David Miscavige) In return for their donation, they get a discount on courses, auditing and such. Which is not a discount at all since they are donating money. Duh!

Cruise and Travoilta have donated millions and millions of dolllars to Scientology. Exactly what Scientology does with all that money as fas as “helping” to “clear the planet”  is a mystery. The money goes to buy more buildings that stand idle, make Miscavige richer and pay for all their pending court cases, lawyers and Sci goons. Oh! and I almost forgot, they have to pay their Sea Org slave labor members about .25 cents an hour.

US Magazine reported on the 25th Anniversary and quoted Cruise about the Scientology protestors outside the event:

Later, during a reception, Cruise was overheard chatting with another American man about the protesters outside the venue. “They’re squirrels,” Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. “Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!”

“Protesters are squirrels stuck in an electronic incident?”
Oh Tom, you certainly are one brainwashed mofo.
A ”squirrel” in scio-speak, means someone that messes or changes the tech of dead cult founder L. Ron Hubbard. Aka “squirreling the tech”. And “stuck in an electronic incident” is more scio babble from Hubbard’s work.

I wonder if Cruise actually said this though? Personally, I think if anything he would of called the protesters SP’s (suppressive people) not squirrels. And I think the “stuck in an electronic incident” line may have been borrowed from a video of another wacky Scientologist named George, which we reported on recently. Many duplicate videos of Scientologist George (who is an OTVIII, the highest that you can get on Scientology’s Bridge) showed up on YouTube and showed just how brainwashed Scientologists become the longer they stay in. The video is totally unscripted and SAD.

Cruise is supposedly an OTVII on The Bridge To Nowhere.

One more level to go Tom until you reach the tippety top to the Bridge of Total Freedom!
Yippee!
Good luck with that Tom! Wait till you see what OTVIII is all about!
SO worth the millions and millions of dollars that you blew. *snicker*

And now for something completely different and funny….
I was watching TV the other night, and there was a brief teaser for Season 6 of the steamy Nip /Tuck show, which started on Oct 14th. I thought I was seeing things, when I saw Mario Lopez completely decked out in black lingerie complete with a garter belt and black stockings. But no, I looked it up and yep it was none other than A. C. Slater (his name on Saved By The Bell) in drag!

Mario played Dr. Mike Hamoui on the series and he was seen in a steamy shower scene in a previous episode. Damn! I am going to have to start watching that show! Kudos for Mario for having the balls of steel for donning the less than flattering get up.

And even though Mario is one huge piece of eye candy…
sorry, this outfit just doesn’t cut it for me Mario. *snicker*

Above is video of Disney’s “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus performing at Fox’s 2009 Teen Choice Awards. Why yes, that is a stripper pole on an ice cream cart. Nothing says wholesome like combining skeevy strip-tease tools and child-hood sweets — it’s like a dream conjured up in the mind of perverts.

Miley’s image is a disaster for Disney and for Miley. Sure she may be worth millions now (let’s hope she invests wisely) but ask any former teen star how hard it is to transition from teen star to adult star and most would have harrowing tales to tell. Lindsay, Britney, Mischa and Vanessa Hudgens (on the heels of a more nude photos leaked) certainly could fill us all in on that challenge, and then some. It’s not impossible to do it, but you need to have a team of caring, moral and ethical people around you in order to survive with your dignity intact.

For Miley, it’s been one disaster after another. First it was the risque photos leaked to the media, then the botched Vanity Fair photo shoot, not to mention the catty YouTube videos poking fun at fellow Disney star Selena Gomez, and of course, the racial insensitivity. One would think whoever does PR for Miley might try a little harder. And this latest effort, is NOT what I would call “trying harder.”

Miley Cyrus is reviled in our home and my 9-year old daughter came to this conclusion on her own. It’s only a matter of time until Miley’s string of poor choices finally catch up with her within the entire tween demographic. It always does.

I understand that I am in a unique position from most parents, I see ALL of Miley’s missteps, and therefore I am much more astute at figuring out this young girl is a TRAINWRECK waiting to happen. Clearly, Miley and her camp are on the Britney Spears roadmap to fame: whore them out early and often. Not only does this brand Miley for the next generation of consumers, but it also helps sexualize her long before she is even fully mature. Everyone knows sex sells, and Miley’s parents and handlers are no exception.

I know I am not the only one who thinks this is both sick, perverse and twisted. Most of my fellow moms have banned Miley from their household, and the trend is growing. Isn’t it bad enough Miley has middle-aged men stalking her? You’d think that would be a wake-up call to her parents. This isn’t the norm, this is the exception. There are plenty of young, talented women who are famous, who DON’T have a negative image to overcome. These young women have managed to avoid the cliched pitfalls of Hollywood, simply because they chose a personal set of standards, modesty and dare I say,personal safety, over a fistful of dollars.

It may be a common refrain, but it bears repeating: why do we continue to sexualize our children before they have even gained enough life experience to understand their OWN sexuality?

The blame isn’t solely Miley’s, who by all accounts, is still a child. There is plenty to go around, namely her parents Tish and Billy Ray, who clearly have been blinded by the millions to be gained by pimping out their daughter at an early age. Clearly, these two are too stupid to have learned anything from the Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan fiascos — how many young girls must we trash before we change our ways?

My daughter, hardly unique in her maturity and level of sophistication, saw through the Miley machine pretty quickly. When she walks through Wal-Mart and makes gagging sounds at all the garish displays of Miley merchandise, or the revealing photos on the nightly news, it’s not hard to put it all together. This isn’t genuine, real or lasting. Miley is a fabrication of Hollywood, and while some kids may be blinded by fan worship, many others see through the ruse, and in time Miley’s facade and slick production won’t translate to her maturing fan base.

When a 9-year old says “Miley makes me uncomfortable. Why is she posing almost nude Mom?” then you KNOW something is wrong.

Makes me glad we skipped the Teen Choice Awards, I sure don’t feel ready to explain the stripper pole to my kids.

Beyond boring Ryan Seacrest and tabloid party girl Lindsay Lohan were seen together out in Hollywood recently.
WHY? They were supposedly brain storming about a new reality show they want to do together. Nope! You can’t make this crap up.

First off…. Ryan Seacrest? Why is he famous again?
And Lohan? Her life has been one big hot mess.
The two together? A boring and bigger hot mess.

Their show’s premise (if it ever comes to light) is to have contestants who are down and out on their luck, compete for a second chance at life and to win a million dollars.
US Magazine describes contestants as, “people that got on the wrong side of the track”.

The most deserving contestant will be picked by a panel of judges. And yep! you guessed it, Lohan is slated to be one of the judges. This show sounds as degrading as the 1950’s show, Queen For A Day.
Four women were picked from the audience. These women had to convince the audience that they were the most pathetic. The audience would applaud and whomever scored highest on the applause-o-meter would win. And get a crown and roses. Natch.

Of course they didn’t win a million dollars back then. But they did win a butt load of prizes, which was not too shabby for being back in the 1950’s. It was one of the most depressing shows I ever saw. Watch this YouTube clip from the show, and you will see what I mean.
Queen for a Day  lasted from 1956 all the way till 1970, so maybe Seacrest is on to something?
Perhaps Bernie Madoff’s ex clients victims will be lining up for a shot of recouping some of their cash?

What I find to be more ironic then the show’s premise, is that they would have Lohan, the Queen of Fail as a judge.
After all, she is not a stranger to the tabloids to say the least.  In the past she has spent a night in jail, done community service for her DUI, and has been in rehab three times. From drunken/coke  binges, to the cops being called to her house with a suspicion of an illegal entry to her home, only to find that her place was such a disgusting mess, that the cops had to call her in Paris and ask her, “Is it normally like this, or did intruders do it?”

Lovely Lohan Resting Her Eyes *snicker*

If Lohan is going to be a judge, it would be as ridiculous as Scientology having a show about helping people. I can see it now… Everyone pick up your e-meters! The first person who makes the e-meter needle float wins! You don’t win any money, you have to pay Scientology the million dollars. Fun right?

I digress. So is Lohan the one getting the “second chance” here on this show rather than the contestants? *snicker*
 Not that I would begrudge any of the contestants winning a million dollars to get a second chance, (I am going to apply myself), but can you see the  headlines from the backlash from this show down the road?
Contestant wins a million dollars on reality show for a second chance, and here they are on their way to pick up their check in their Caddy Escalade,  which they  owned before winning the show. Looks like Seacrest and Lohan did a woops on the contestant background checks!

Us Magazine reports:

Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohanwere spotted out together in Hollywood Thursday night, but it turns out that their meetup was strictly business.

“Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her…it helps people and gives others a second shot!” Ryan wrote on his Twitter page on Friday, one day after he and the actress went to H.Wood in L.A. “Still putting it all together.”

The American Idol host is no stranger to producing. In addition to his radio hosting gig, the star has lent his TV production talents to E!’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians as well as Brody Jenner MTV show, Bromance.

Lohan also mentioned details of the project on her Twitter page Friday.

“Working on a really great project for television — I am excited!” she wrote. “Something meaningful like Extreme Home Makeover on ABC… ”
According to TMZ.com, the premise of the potential series is that real people who are on the wrong track and looking for a second chance are given $1 million to make it happen. Lohan, no stranger to the concept, would likely serve on a panel of judges who hear contestants’ stories.

Back in 2006, Lohan once told Matt Lauer of the Today Show, that “she’s the hardest working person she knows”
Uh ok Lindsey.. that is probably true in her circle of friends and family, but not in the real world. I guess she doesn’t know any doctors,teachers,or volunteers. A ridiculous statement from a delusional ditz.
How will she ever be able to fit this show in with her busy schedule? *snicker*. After years of her screw ups and bad press, I would think that Hollywood still considers Lohan in the high risk category, even though she supposedly cleaned up her act and is on the mend.
But I guess Seacrest is willing to take that chance.
Besides…..what the hell does he have to lose anyways? He is a gazillionaire.
He was coined the Sixty Million Dollar Man on Extra, when they reported he had landed a gig on a national Fresno radio show back in 2008.

But being a gazillionaire does not help the fact that he is as boring as watching paint peel, besides being a complete and utter dork. He bombed hosting the Emmy’s back in 2007. And back in 2006, he was included in the Guess Who Sucks? vid on  Heavy.com. The vid is worth the watch, and it also includes Lohan and some great digs on TomKat when they were first pregnant with Suri.

But really, and this bares repeating….WHY IS SEACREST FAMOUS?
It boggles my mind.
Sorry, but I am SO sick of  Seacrest and Lohan. I guess we will have to wait and see how everybody else weighs in on this reality show, if it ever becomes a reality.
So with Lohan’s past reputation and Seacrest’s boredom,  AND the obvious lack of talent…I give this show an EPIC FAIL rating on the applause-o-meter.

FAIL

Although America may totally disagree. I am always surprised by what some people watch on TV.
I am guilty of tuning into a few guilty pleasure shows myself, but a show with Lohan as a judge for a remake of King Or Queen for the day? Sorry…… I will be martinizing my couch that night.

You can file this under several categories, but I’d say B.S., Good For Laughs, and As If, are top on my list.

So word on the street, via our good friend, who’s gone Brangeloonie, Ian Halperin (at Ianundercover.com), our favorite troubled tartlet is pregnant, for now.

Here’s what Ian had to say:

IUC just learned from a close source in Lilo’s camp that the out of control actress is seven weeks preggo. “I swear she’s carrying,” the Lilo friend said. “She’s going through big emotional turmoil. She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months.” Please, lets send a message here loud and clear to Lilo what to do. IUC encourages her to have the child. What are your thoughts?

What are my thoughts you ask? BITCH PUHHHLEEEEESE! Now, granted, there is no doubt in my mind that Lindsay’s uterus has been used as punching bag WAY too many times, by WAY too many guys, that however does not mean we are going to see a pregnant Lindsay Lohan anytime soon. It’s not like this her first time on the Planned Parenthood line. I’m not judging, just saying.

Lindsay was spotted a few years back with pregnancy tests in hand while she was in the hospital for “asthma-related” illnesses. So, Lindsay knows the drill I am afraid. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but starlets, unlike say inner city youths and teen girls in Alaska, have access to the necessary tools needed to prevent this sort of thing, and the way Lindsay gets around, you’d think even SHE’D be smart enough to apply some common sense.

I vote this a NO, but then again, it’s not like we’ll ever really know, will we Lindsay. *wink, wink*

And unlike Ian, I DON’T encourage Lindsay to have a baby. I’d go so far as to say Lindsay shouldn’t own a dog, or a fish. Houseplants might even be too risky. Lindsay’s womb would need ten years of detoxing before it was hospitable enough to carry life, let alone her trainwrecked ass caring for a tiny newborn.

I shudder for all humanity if this is true.

Our little Firecrotch made an attempt at humor doing one of those “Funny or Die” videos. Sadly, much of the satire is more truth than fiction, causing me some major confusion. It’s a little early for Lindsay to be making fun of her mess of a life. How about you clean yourself up, and then poke fun at yourself. Until then, this just gives me the sads.

It also showcases she DOES have talent, but it’s drowning in a mound of coke and fake tanner.

I am wearing a neckbrace today and it’s all Lindsay Lohan’s fault. Lilo necklash that’s what it is. What caused this disability you ask? The countless times I’ve had to shake my head in horror, disgust, pity and embarrassment on behalf of our little “Firecrotch.”

As if participating in a lesbian fauxmance wasn’t enough of a spectacle, Lindsay has lost that final proton of dignity she had left in the wake of being dumped by her best friend turned “lover”, DJ Samantha Ronson.

Let’s see if we can unravel this mess one dumpster load at a time.

After months of news reports featuring Lindsay and GFF Samantha Ronson’s lovespats, including blowing-off hosting gigs (the only job Lindsay can get these days) and full-on domestic disturbances, we are now left with the grand finale – restraining orders and Lindsay telling her story all over Us Magazine.

Here’s all the tawdry details straight from the Blohan’s mouth:

In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the “humiliating” weekend showdown with Ronson’s family, and says that friends’ fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson’s mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Lohan says she’s “so alone” without Ronson.

“Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself — she cares about her but wants out.”

Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.

“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.

I don’t even know where to begin, but let’s start with the fact she’s spilling her dirty laundry all over the highway of stupidity. First rule of thumb, don’t confirm any spurious rumors by speaking to the tabloids. These people are NOT your friend, they don’t give a crap about you and likely already have an obit waiting to go live at any moment. DUMB!

So, because Lindsay gave them an interview, now we all know Lindsay was dumped, her circle has abandoned her and she’s a menace to herself and those around her. If she had ever hoped to get her career back on track, she just burned that bridge. Trust me, Hollywood execs already know she’s a mess, but now the public has is confirmed straight from addict’s own cooked brain.

Last May when I was in LA, we met up with a friend of my husband who works in the movie industry. They gave me a scoop about Lindsay’s last real film, Labor Pains (straight to DVD, do not pass go.) According to this source, Lindsay was so unmarketable and so unmanageable that despite having a ready-made comedy with potential for the damaged star, they couldn’t get her insured for the film, this despite Lindsay supposedly having completed rehab, which they confirmed DID NOT WORK. Really? I so assumed she was cured of her addiction to virtually all vices.

But I sat on that info, which eventually was leaked by other tabloids a month later. Dumb on my part perhaps, but I have my own code of ethics. For some strange reason, I have continuously crossed my fingers for Lindsay. Go back and read any post I’ve written about her and you will find I defend her, her talent and her ability to get her crap together. To certain extent, she’s been gravely handicapped by the hand she was dealt. She’s young, her mother is the Devil, her father a self-obsessed attention whore and those around her continue to suck every ounce of life from her increasingly desiccated soul.

Don’t ask me why, despite all evidence to the contrary, I want to believe there is hope for Lindsay. I guess I am just the eternal optimist. This doesn’t mean Lindsay isn’t a complete f*ck up, a craven drug-addict and a desperate attention whore, because she is. But we can’t forget that Hollywood is the open abyss of hell waiting to swallow the innocent at every corner. Greater beings that Lindsay have been ruined by that town and the vultures who hover picking at the rotting corpses. Hey, at least she’s not a Scientologist. Yet.

So Lindsay here’s some good advice from a mother to a child, (since clearly your vile, soulless, bile-inducing piece of crap of a mother can’t bother to give you any):

But wait, there’s more…

And before you ask, because I know you are, it isn’t for crimes committed against fashion.  Oh, I know the dirty orange tan and the sausage lips and the tired leggings are all offenses, but the last time I checked you can’t be locked up for them.  At least, not yet.  No, this is kinda related to that little drunk-driving thing way back in 2007 (has it been that long?  Wow, how time flies):

Here’s why an arrest warrant was issued. Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program — she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that’s why the judge issued a warrant.

Based on what we know this is not a big deal and Lindsay’s new lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, should be able to have the warrant 86′d — no problemo. The only wild card — there’s a new judge on the case and she’s really tough.

Far be it from me to tell a lawyer how to do their job, but if I were the prosecution I would point out that the paparazzi haven’t kept Lindsay from keeping any “appointments” with the hair stylist, spray-tan salon, or nightclub.

Lindsay apparently had a fight over the weekend that somehow involved Jack Nicholson (of course it did, who else?) and a broken window:

Police were called to the Hollywood Hills home of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson after a window was smashed during an alleged argument between the couple.

The incident happened just hours after Lohan was listed as ‘wanted’ for failing to comply with court orders relating to drink-driving charges.

Neighbours called emergency services after Lindsay hurled a vase through a window during a furious row over the arrest warrant on Saturday afternoon, according to reports. [...]

Hours after the warrant was issued, Lohan hit the Chateau Marmont for a night out with friends before making a late visit to Jack Nicholson’s home.

She turned up outside Nicholson’s Mulholland Drive residence just after 1.30am where she pressed the intercom numerous times demanding ‘Jack’ open the gate, according to People magazine.

Lohan and a group of friends were eventually let inside, and stayed at the residence until 4:30 a.m.

And apparently she told Perez that this couldn’t be worse timing:

The 22-year-old actress issued a statement to Perez Hilton that read: ‘This warrant for my arrest is completely fabricated and its (sic) a horrendous lie. This will make me loose (sic) every single deal that I have right now. Its (sic) horrible.’

Nice to see that the on-set education most young stars receive is totally worth every penny.

Okay, folks, guess there’s nothing more to see here.  Next!

Here’s an interesting story for you…Lindsay Lohan, who’s recent exploits have included a few stints in rehab, several movie flops, and numerous shopping expeditions, has had a movie offer from Warren Beatty that she might not want to refuse…as long as she abides by a few rules, and they ain’t got nothin’ to do with Georgia:

What I’m told is that Warren, the smartest guy in Hollywood, bar none, wants Ms. Lohan to come live under his roof — at least one of his guest roofs — while he shoots this movie.

And wait, you’re wondering, what movie is this? Beatty is said to have a script he wants to direct and star in, with La Lohan possibly playing his daughter. (If it’s his love interest, well, I’m not going there and I’m sure Warren isn’t either.)

Lindsay is said to know this is a chance of a lifetime and a way to re-start her languishing career. Recent efforts, like that horrid John Lennon murder movie Chapter 27, haven’t left her in the greatest shape. On the plus side, she’s clean, sober, happy and looking great.

But Lohan is a gifted actress with a lot of baggage and reputation for not making it to the set always on time and in one piece. So Beatty’s proviso sounds like a smart idea. And how bad it can be to live up on Mulholland Drive under the aegis of Annette Bening? I can hear a lot of young actresses heading to the phone now to try and get that gig.

Lindsay has a lot of friends in the business including Conde Nast/Vanity Fair genius editor Ingrid Sischy. The former pilot of Interview magazine is said to be eager also to help Lindsay get back on track, and has offered her (the right kind of ) magazine covers. So it’s up to Lohan, who’s wasted too much time playing at life and a career.

Hmm.  Well, first, far be it from me to disagree with an illustrious writer who works at the uber-famous Fox News site, since I’m just a lowly celeb blogger, but I got a couple of beefs with that article.  First, I wouldn’t exactly jump to the conclusion that Linds is clean, sober, happy, and/or looking great.  I also take umbrage at the implication that she is a gifted actress.  Yes, she has some gifts, but it’s painfully obvious that she doesn’t know what to do with them…plus let’s face it, we ain’t talking no Meryl Streep here.  She may be good, but she’s not that good, yet.

I mean, early in her career (before she looked like a popsicle stick with two balloons tied to it that somebody dropped in the mud) she had some hits and her career looked promising.  But lately, her projects have tanked faster than the Hindenburg.  Anybody remember I Know Who Killed Me?  Chapter 27?  Georgia Rules?  Bobby?  I didn’t think so.  And the reason is because she can’t decide if she wants to be a celebrity or an actress, according to the aforementioned great Meryl Streep.  It’s like the comments I used to get on my report cards:  “k could work above her current level if she would apply herself.”  She could be great.  She has the ability, but if she doesn’t work on improving and honing those gifts, she’ll forever be relegated to the five-dollar DVD bin at Walmart…or the one-dollar rack at Big Lots.

Warren Beatty (Dick Tracy notwithstanding) could do wonders for her career, if Lindsay will let him.  But the facts are that she’s already been in movies with Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Laurence Fishburne, Anthony Hopkins, William H. Macy…girlfriend has had chances with some of the bigshots of the entertainment universe, chances other actresses would kill for, and she still can’t manage to truly break through.  She needs to realize that those chances are very likely to dry up if she doesn’t get her head out of her sphincter.  She needs to smarten up and realize that life is not all about parties, shopping, and acting like a general idiot in front of the whole world.  And for goodness sake, somebody get her a cheeseburger…she’s looking WAY too skinny again.  (btw, yes, that thing in the background is younger sis Ali.  Fifteen.)

She’s only 22.  She’s got her life ahead of her, and this could be a good do-over for her career.  Lindsay, it’s the same advice as what to do when you see drugs…don’t blow it!

UPDATE:  Turns out this story may be over before it has really begun:

For the record: Lindsay loves Warren, her pals say. They met and hit it off. No offers at this time. To anyone…For anything!….

Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it.  Publicists deny deny deny all the time, and then several months later lookie what happens.  Of course, those weren’t her drugs in her pants either, according to sources.

I saw the above picture of 14-year old Ali Lohan (Lindsay’s little sister) and my eyes were offended in so many ways I wasn’t really sure where to begin. The fake orange tan, the too-much make-up, the arm-band tattoo, the black bra with white see through fishnet shirt, the bare midriff, or the blond prostitute standing next to her. Oh wait, that’s Dina her mother. My bad, or in this case, HER BAD. Seriously, how can one young gal go so wrong in so many different ways?

I blame her mother Dina, best known for pimping out her children in whatever way she can to keep herself relevant, and of course, in the best cougar-wear available.

Dina and Ali were judges at a dog costume contest and you have to ask yourself, how bad of a mother do you have to be to let your child, your young daughter, leave the house dressed like that? Also in consideration, how great of a momager can be when the best you can book for your talented kid is a dog costume contest?

I mean I know times are tough, but some standards would be nice. Poor Ali. Poor Lindsay. Poor dogs.

Of course, who am I to judge, Dina’s done such a great job with Lindsay.

I know everyone’s been wondering what our favorite coke-head man-eater’s been up to, so it’s with great pleasure we present you the above clip of Lindsay Lohan once again playing a mean girl on the popular sitcom, “Ugly Betty.”

Like Britney Spears did in “How I Met Your Mother,” Lindsay must be hoping the small screen will also help her resurrect her flagging career. The only difference is, unlike Britney, who turned out to have a legitimate mental health issue, all of Lindsay’s off-camera antics, like driving drunk, TWICE, being caught in possession of cocaine TWICE, and a triple-stint in rehab all in 2007, were her own doing. While Lindsay is perhaps more qualified to make an appearance on the small screen than popstar Britney Spears, it does NOT guarantee her the same degree of success.

Lindsay’s last handful of films BOMBED ( “A Prairie Home Companion,” “Bobby,” “I Know Who Killed Me,” “Chapter 27″ “Georgia Rule”) despite working along side showbiz greats like Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman, Lindsay still managed to bring down these opportunities with her reckless, toxic behavior.

Lindsay is slated to start shooting the comedy “Labor Pains” which should be an opportunity for her to stage a comeback, but with recent news of her falling off the wagon and resuming her partying ways, one has to wonder how she will manage to keep her nose clean?

Speaking of which….

But wait, there’s more…