I know everyone’s been wondering what our favorite coke-head man-eater’s been up to, so it’s with great pleasure we present you the above clip of Lindsay Lohan once again playing a mean girl on the popular sitcom, “Ugly Betty.”

Like Britney Spears did in “How I Met Your Mother,” Lindsay must be hoping the small screen will also help her resurrect her flagging career. The only difference is, unlike Britney, who turned out to have a legitimate mental health issue, all of Lindsay’s off-camera antics, like driving drunk, TWICE, being caught in possession of cocaine TWICE, and a triple-stint in rehab all in 2007, were her own doing. While Lindsay is perhaps more qualified to make an appearance on the small screen than popstar Britney Spears, it does NOT guarantee her the same degree of success.

Lindsay’s last handful of films BOMBED ( “A Prairie Home Companion,” “Bobby,” “I Know Who Killed Me,” “Chapter 27″ “Georgia Rule”) despite working along side showbiz greats like Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman, Lindsay still managed to bring down these opportunities with her reckless, toxic behavior.

Lindsay is slated to start shooting the comedy “Labor Pains” which should be an opportunity for her to stage a comeback, but with recent news of her falling off the wagon and resuming her partying ways, one has to wonder how she will manage to keep her nose clean?

Speaking of which….

But wait, there’s more…

Look, I’m a woman, and I know what Lindsay’s doing with her eyes.  That is one intense look and it has nothing to do with Cinco de Mayo or Hold The Mayo or Pass The Miracle Whip (okay, maybe the last one, a little bit, as long as you aren’t out in the sun):

Lauren [Conrad] and Lo looked particularly sloppy and Lindsay, well….rumor is that she was trying to cozy up to Joel [Madden], despite having her weird non-girlfriend Samantha Ronson by her side.

Good night.  Is there anything walking with a penis that Lindsay won’t try to bonk?  Never mind that Joel is supposedly in a committed relationship with Nicole Ritchie and that he has a new baby at home…this girl is honing in on her prey.  I just hope he’s got some Germ-X in his pocket before he takes something home to Harlow.  Don’t let Nicole see this pic…she’ll kick his butt and then not eat for a month.  (No, I’m not trying to be mean.)

And shame all over Joel for ever allowing himself to get in that situation to start with.  He should know better than that.  Of course, it is Lindsay…I guess the alluring, musky scent of fake tanner and cigarettes is just too much for any red-blooded male to overcome.  So can he really be blamed for that goofy look on his face?  He’s just a man.  Just a mortal man.

I’ll bet “Top Mom“ Dina is so proud right now.  Happy Mother’s Day!

I don’t know what those women out there in Long Island are drinking, but I think they’ve had a bit too much tequila in their iced teas, if you know what I mean.  It seems that Dina Lohan, mother of perpetually off-the-wagon Lindsay and upstart Ali, is going to be honored as one of their “Top Moms”:

Right now, Dina’s daughter, Lindsay, is literally a poster girl for bad behavior. Her mug shot appears in liquor-industry ads as an example of a “hard-core drunk driver” who needs a Breathalyzer to stay off the road (even though the ads are against having the devices in every car).

Yet, Dina will be named a “Top Mom” tonight by a Long Island-based charity, Mingling Moms Organization, even though Lindsay went to rehab three times last year and was jailed for drunken driving and cocaine possession.

Mingling Moms president Erica Logiudice called Dina “such a dedicated mom . . . Through all the ups and downs of Lindsay, she has been by her side.”

Some of Dina’s fellow honoree moms are: Rae Stern, mother of shock jock Howard Stern; Lillian Robinson (Eddie Murphy); Ann Iris Guttenberg (Steve Guttenberg); Betty Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld); Shelley Stevens Herschlag (Natalie Portman); Amy Hughes (Olympic skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes); and Eileen Connolly (”Entourage” star Kevin Connolly).

Nothing like keeping standards high for other mothers to follow.  But don’t get too excited…it isn’t necessarily for excellence in motherhood; in fact, pretty much all you need to qualify is a kid and a Long Island address (at some point or another):

“We’re just honoring celebrities’ moms on Long Island,” a spokesperson from Mingling Moms tells OK!. “It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.” […]

New mom Jennifer Lopez, who lives on the Island with hubby Marc Anthony and gave birth to twins Max and Emme in North Shore Hospital, will also receive the Celebrity Mom of the Year Honor for putting the media spotlight on the 118-mile long strip.

But these famous-by-association moms shouldn’t feel too special.

“It’s not just about the celebrities – it’s more about Long Island moms,” the rep says. “Over 1,000 Long Island moms will be at the Gala tomorrow evening as well.”

I wonder if JLo will show or blow?

Seriously…what’s the point?  I mean, if there’s not a lot of criteria for this, why bother with it?  I live out here in the middle of a cornfield.  Should I receive a “Cornfield Mom Of The Year” award just because I do?  Or maybe Dawn should receive a “Scientology Bootay-Kicking Mom Of The Year” award?  (Actually, maybe she should.)

The woman didn’t mention that while Dina has stood by Lindsay in her troubles, if Dina hadn’t been so busy whoring out her daughter instead of actually (oh, I don’t know) mothering her maybe there wouldn’t have been as many problems to deal with in the first place.  So if they are honoring Dina Lohan with any sort of award celebrating mothers, then that is truly one of the last signs of the Apocalypse.

It’s been a while since we’ve discussed our favorite other addict, Lindsay Lohan. You may recall 2007 was a less than stellar year for Lindsay, as she released BOMB after BOMB at the box office, picking up like five Razzie awards for her thriller “I Know Who Killed Me,” oh yeah, and she went to rehab three times and was busted twice for cocaine possession and driving under the influence.

But wait, there’s more…

It’s sort of ironic that just last night I made a reference to famous people being caught on film doing naughty things, using Lindsay Lohan as some kind of reference point for sluts caught being slutty.

And as the sun rises on a new day, what have we here…..is a story about none other than our sweet little LiLo (or a grainy facsimile of) allegedly engaged in oral sex on what is said to be her one time boy-toy, English cad Calum Best.

The photo was too grainy to really tell who it is, but it would hardly be some kind of stretch of the imagination to suggest somewhere out in this great big world video exists of Lindsay Lohan giving somebody, ANYBODY, a slobbery knobsicle. The odds that a sex tape featuring Lindsay Lohan DOESN’T exist are probably too astronomical to even calculated.

As the story goes (and they all sound the same in these sex tape scandals) Lindsay doesn’t remember being filmed and is freaked out such a thing may exist. According to a source, Calum forwarded the video to some friends and they leaked it to the media.

Fortunately for Lindsay, celeb site, The Blemish, was able to debunk this rumor. But rest assured, as the sands of time pass through the hour glass, so to will the video of Lindsay Lohan caught on film emerge. Think I am being to harsh?

I offer exhibit A. below. This is Lindsay when she KNOWS she’s being filmed. I can only imagine what she’s like when she’s just chillin’ out with some “close friends.”

Well, not to quibble, but yes, Dina…you do have a choice.  However, I don’t expect you to make the “Responsible Caring Nurturing Parent Who Doesn’t Whore Their Children Out To The Spotlight” choice.  Really, it would destroy all the preconceived notions I have about you.

Pimp Mama ShizLoLo talked about the upcoming reality show featuring her “other” daughter, Ali (oh yeah, and Mama will be in it, too, did you expect anything less?):

Dina, 45, tells PageSix.com that they decided to do a reality show because, “… we have no choice. Tabloids and reality shows are not going away. If they know who Ali is as a person, it’s better.” […]

Although Lindsay may be making a few cameos on the show, Dina insists, “Lindsay has her own career. It’s about Ali.”

Last month, Ali told Teen Vogue, “I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does… I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know.”

Although big sis Lindsay has been through the Hollywood ringer this year, Ali has no reservations about being in the spotlight, telling PageSix.com, “I’m so excited.”

In fact, the Mean Girls star had some advice for little sister Ali. Ali tells PageSix.com that Lindsay told her, “Stay strong. Don’t let rumors tear you apart. Don’t let anybody bring you down.”

That’s the same kind of generic crap we used to write in our friends’ high school yearbooks.  Can’t she come up with something better than a line stolen off a lucite keychain at All For $1?

I thought perhaps Dina would have learned to keep her children out of the spotlight after observing what happened to her eldest child, but then I remembered it was Dina Whoreherchildrenoutasfastasshecanhan, and my sanity returned, as if somebody suddenly dopeslapped me hard on the back of the head.  Which is exactly what Dina needs.

Once Ali’s usefulness to Dina is exhausted (as Lindsay’s is), wonder if she’ll start in on the boys?  My guess is they wouldn’t look as good in a topless photoshoot.  But seriously…if Ali became an adult and then decided she wanted to pursue an acting career, then she could go for it and it would be a totally different thing.  But the girl is fourteen years old!  Whatever happened to, “No!”?

Oh wait.

Above is a photo of Lindsay Lohan’s best Marilyn Monroe impression for a shoot she did for New York Magazine. The shoot, was a tribute to the famous last professional photos taken of Monroe six weeks before her death in 1962 by photographer Bert Stern.

Maybe it’s the pose, the tat, or the weathered, but not necessarily worn look on Lindsay, but these photos made me feel kind of nauseous. I can’t believe Bert would agree to such a thing.

Generally speaking, I try to not give Lindsay Lohan too hard of a time. She’s young (21), her parents are total farking deadbeats (especially her pimp-whore of a mother), she has addictions, she’s surrounded by users, the list goes on. But I draw the line at her defiling the memory of Marilyn Monroe. Some icons deserve more reverence than others, and as far as I am concern, Marilyn Monroe deserves to never have the dishonor of being mimicked, and certainly not by the likes of someone as young and immature as Lindsay Lohan.

A person would have had to have lived a few more years, survived a few more broken hearts and grown into what I like to call an “adult” in order to capture not only the inimitable outer beauty of Marilyn Monroe, but also her vulnerable, unique and ethereal inner beauty as well. Lindsay Lohan, however talented she may be, just doesn’t cut the mustard. Plus it doesn’t help that we’ve become used to seeing Lindsay is such dignified poses such as this one below, so that it makes it hard to transition to the top photo.

Oh wait, that’s her fourteen-year-old sister Ali.

Yes, I said fourteen.

People say that Lindsay looks older than her age of twenty-one, but I don’t think so.  I think she looks fine.  Well, other than those boots.  I’d rather see the Uggs than those boots.  And that purse has to go.  She looks her age, though.  But Ali…is fourteen.

There’s really nothing else for me to write here.  Oh wait, I want to yank Dina Lohan by the hair out in the street where I’d like to German Suplex her onto a car hood.  And I can do it, too.  I have the Power of Righteous Indignation on my side.  Dina just has cooties, and I have Germ-X.

Okay, now I’m done.

Of course you see dead people, Lindsay…you’re working in a morgue. 

That’s right…Dina’s second-favorite daughter is fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain by doing community service in a morgue, to hopefully show the recently relapsed starlet the dangers of drinking and driving:

She must work two four-hour days as part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the consequences of drinking and driving.

She must also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room.

Lohan — who recently relapsed — spent two months in rehab and completed some community service, Berk said at a progress report hearing on how Lohan is fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain.

Good for Lindsay.  She’s not trying to skip out on what she agreed to do, she’s not sending a flunky to do it for her, and she’s not trying to weasel out of it.  Say what you will about her (and we have), she does seem to be making an effort.  And as far as her relapse…it’s unfortunate that it happened, she should have been more in control of the situation, but she did do the right thing and jump back on the wagon.  At least she didn’t use it as an excuse to start her old wild ways.

Some people might think this is a bit much, but not me.  I think that everybody brought up on a DUI or DWI should spend some time working in the morgue and an emergency room.  Maybe it will deter some of these people who believe they are invincible from driving while they are impaired in some way.

In fact, let’s just nip it in the bud and make working in one or both of these places a requirement for getting your license.  Nothing like thinking of that alcohol-fueled fatal car crash you helped work on to convince you that a designated driver is the way to go…or perhaps skipping the alcohol-fueled party altogether and staying home with a good DVD.  Hey, I may be a boring teetotaler, but I’ll never get caught drinking and driving.

Wow, what a week in celebrity news. Those of us who were hoping to take a little break from the chaos and enjoy the final days of our winter solstice were sadly disappointed, or elated depending on your viewpoint.

For tonight’s show, my special (and regular) co-host, Josh Hathaway of Confessions of A FanBoy, and asst. music editor at Blogcritics will be joining me to as we analyze Britney Spears’ major meltdown and perpetual rehabber, Lindsay Lohan’s brief hiatus from her new-found sobriety.

If you wish to join in the analysis, please give us a call at (646) 478-0139 or click here to listen in on the show or join us in the chat room.