“ManBalm” is your eye on sports gossip, or whatever BC Sports editor Matt Sussman finds funny, which means you probably won’t.

Eight more business days, TMZ. Eight more business days until the Super Bowl. Good work on distracting us from the fact that there’s one more football game in the season with some petty news that Tom Brady — gasp! — is a football player and sustains nagging injuries from week to week.

That’s right, Brady hurt his ankle a little bit. He was also on the injury report in last week’s AFC championship game with a shoulder injury, and the other quarterback didn’t even have a freakin’ ACL. This just in: football is a contact sport played by large mammals who crash into each other with hard plastic helmets.

So reporting that Tawmmy Brayyyyydy is nursing injuries from football games two days ago is a good start, TMZ. Digging up that Kevin Faulk is recovering from a banged-up knee just doesn’t have the same panache. But we need more. Since these stories come in waves, and usually the next business day is used for people to say “Okay, this really isn’t a big deal,” it will take exactly four more BOMBSHELL OMG BREAKING stories to fill the space until Super Bowl XLII.

Thursday: Giants defensive end Michael Strahan is found sleeping with a stripper in his New York apartment.

(Next day aftermath: turns out, he’s divorced.)

Next Monday: New England head coach Bill Belichick is caught spying again when he plans cameras all over the New York Giants locker room and the nearby hallways.

(Next day aftermath: those were actually security cameras installed when the stadium was built. Bill Belichick only has the feed of the cameras in the women’s bathroom. Disturbing, but well within NFL rules.)

Next Wednesday: Injured Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey is arrested for trying to solicit oral sex from an undercover cop late Tuesday night.

(Next day aftermath: It wasn’t Jeremy Shockey. It was Falcons defensive back Eugene Robinson. And it wasn’t late Tuesday night. It was nine years ago.)

Next Friday: Gisele Bundchen eats a cheeseburger.

(Next day aftermath: …okay, this one’s actually legit.)

“ManBalm” is your eye on sports gossip, or whatever BC Sports editor Matt Sussman finds funny, which means you probably won’t.

Going from memory, I couldn’t take even an educated stab in the dark as to how or why Kim Kardashian became a celebrity. Closing my eyes and guessing, I’d assume … failed reality star trying to stay in the spot light.

Wait… daughter of O.J. Simpson’s late best friend? Wow, I was way off. Well, maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. After all, she does have a reality show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which — judging by the title — is a story of how the Kardashian family goes on a morning family jog.

She might be most known for a sex tape when she was with rapper Ray J for [checks total running time of video ... still checking ... hold on, this may take a while]

And we’re back. Where was I? The Ohio State Buckeyes had trouble scoring in the second quarter when LSU… wait, wrong website. Ah yes. Gossip!

Kardashian’s official website keeps track of her own news and rumors, so you don’t have to go to those irresponsible tabloids to stay abreast of her antics. News of Kardashian is coming soon, however, once she does something like eat a soft pretzel at a Raiders game.

But why would she be at a Raiders game? After all, she’s engaged to New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush. That would give the wrong impression, wouldn’t it?

We can’t really speculate if Bush and Kardashian getting engaged is some kind of publicity stunt, so we’ll just leave them be and hope the best. Just kidding. SPECULATION TIME!

So, the sex tape was made sometime in ‘04 or ‘05. Those were Bush’s junior and senior seasons with USC. The promising star made the highlight reels featuring acrobatic feats, exhilarating moments, and lots of scoring. And then there’s Reggie Bush, who was also playing pretty good football too.

Bush won the Heisman trophy in 2005, the year Kardashian ended her relationship with Ray “You Can Call Me” J. Since then, well, it’s been rough going.

At some point in February, Kardashian sued Vivid Studios for ruining lonely men everywhere’s fun by trying to halt distribution of her sex tape. A month before that, Yahoo! Sports published an investigative look into potential money, goods, and services given to Bush and his family during his collegiate playing days, a big no-no.

A year after that, they were rumored to be dating. Which brings us to January 2008, and they’re in wuv.

Kardashian’s reality show on E! might be doing well, but Bush himself is struggling in his own profession. After being drafted second overall by the New Orleans saints (a shock at the time that he wasn’t taken first), his college dominance hasn’t translated to the pro level, and his Subway commercials with Jared just aren’t cuttin’ it.

Unlike Jessica Simpson trying to latch onto rising NFL star Tony Romo, perhaps Kardashian isn’t the one trying to latch onto a famous person. Maybe it’s the other way around.

What’s that? Bush is in the third year of a 6-year, $54 million contract? Okay, he’ll be fine. Maybe he saw the demo tape and wanted in on some of that.

If you’ve been reading Glosslip for the past year, well I have to wonder about both your sanity and your social life, but more importantly, you might have caught one of the rare, but special ManBalm features.

Sports journalist and all around good guy Matt Sussman created a special feature for those men who like tabloid gossip, but preferred sports. By combining the two interests ManBalm was born. Sadly, because Matt’s often busy dating inappropriately young women, covering sports from around the globe and squeezing in a day job plus his editing duties at Blogcritics, he hasn’t been updating ManBalm like he should, and for which he is contractually obligated AND still owes me posts for.

Ahem…so please tune in for tonight’s show at 10:00pm EST ManBalm special where Matt will be discussing Cowboy Quarterback Tony Romo.

In case you aren’t familiar, Tony has intersected the world of celeb gossip by dating the intellectual powerhouse that is Jessica Simpson. He has been previously linked to Carrie Underwood, Britney Spears and Sophie Bush. I’d say if he hadn’t already dated Britney Spears, then he was only one step away from the dumb blonde gutter, but this guy is all over the celebtart map. (Although…he gets a thumbs up for dating Carrie Underwood, and a thumbs down for not sticking with her.)

Besides football, Jessica and Tony are said to talk about global economics, quantum physics and boobs. At least one of those things they know something about.

Also, EO, Josh and I will discuss this week’s biggest celeb stories. Which really means we will talk about how dumb Britney Spears is and some other stuff. Just because you people are sick of hearing about Britney, doesn’t mean I’ve beaten that dead horse to death yet.

RADIO CALL IN NUMBER: (646)478-0139

A star basketball player on a world champion NBA team. A model slash actress on trashy prime time drama. Even eHarmony would have to agree that’s a perfect match. But even though the actress portrays a bride-to-be who threatens to call off her wedding, there’s no way her actual wedding, would … no … oh no!

Could it be? Oh no, the wedding of San Antonio Spurs’ point guard Tony Parker and Desperate Housewives minx Eva Longoria isn’t going to … wait, never mind.

On Monday, X17Online.com was “hearing rumors that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have called off their wedding!” Since they cited no source, they’re probably the ones who started it. Or are lazy. Consequently, Longoria’s publicist Liza Anderson has fervently asserted that the wedding is still on, that they’re excited for the day, and that love is a battlefield. Actually, no. That last one was Pat Benatar. But the other two, those were the publicist.

So, you probably have no idea how this rumor — we’re gonna quash it right now, because you don’t call off a wedding if you’re a celebrity. You fake it for a year then split up, citing “irreconcilable differences.” Duh. — began. However, I’m fully aware of what happened. You see, Longoria’s Desperate Housewives character, Gabrielle Marquez, was marrying the local mayor incumbent in the season finale. But in a smattering of hurt feelings and high-intensity scriptwriting, Gabrielle, like, omigod, called the wedding off. But then she, like, totally made up all kissy with her soon-to-be second husband. Phew.

But, I didn’t, um, watch the season finale of Desperate Housewives on Sunday. Nor did I ever. I … read it. Somewhere. Now, please look into this light.

But the editor of X17Online probably heard the summary of the show, and heard “Yeah, then Eva Longoria called the wedding off.” And because the editor was busy watching the Yankees/Mets game on Sunday night, he was only half paying attention, because he saw the part where the grounds crew member unrolled the batting practice tarp, only to find a live cat napping in the middle of the roll. So he heard, “Longoria’s wedding is off?” thinking they were discussing the real one. And he doesn’t know what’s going on in Desperate Housewives, because no guy in his right mind would watch that crappy show.

At least that’s what I heard happened.

Matt Sussman is the editor of BC Sports. So if you like sports, you might be compelled to visit and such.

“ManBalm” is your eye on sports gossip, or whatever BC Sports editor Matt Sussman finds funny, which means you probably won’t.

Try and find me one child born in the 1980s who never once pretended, for at least one split second on a basketball court somewhere, to be Michael Jordan. Go on, do that right now, before you continue reading. I have time.

…Oh, you found someone? Okay, male figure skaters don’t count.

Every kid with common sense wanted to be like Mike growing up. Now I wonder how many suffocated men are channeling their inner dreams by letting go of the ball and chain, as Jordan is doing with his wife Juanita after 17 years.

And, much like on the basketball court with the Chicago Bulls and his six NBA championships, Jordan just has to top everyone, doesn’t he? Forbes magazine is estimating that the divorce will cost MJ well over $150 million, surpassing Neil Diamond’s $150 million he traded for his “Get Out Of Hell Free” card.

Michael and Juanita cited “irreconcilable differences” for the divorce, which may or may not have had anything to do with that extramarital fling back in ‘89. And it may or may not have anything to do with Space Jam.

But that hasn’t stopped Jordan from tearing up the dance floor, as seen in Exhibit A. Deadspin uncovered this beauty of a photo on Monday, where Jordan demonstrates that men in his age can walk and chew gum, or in this case, grind and hold a cigar. Either way it’s multitasking, and the latter seems a skosh tricker.

This is just a wild guess here, but with Jordan being 44 years old, those ladies might be 44 combined. I again challenge you to find one man who isn’t, for at least one split second, wishing they were Michael Jordan today.

How’s it goin’, lippers of the gloss? I’m Matt Sussman, sports editor of BC Magazine and proprietor of the sports blog The Futon Report. After responding to an adult personal in Maxim Dawn’s e-mail, I’m now the curator of a not-necessarily-weekly feature on GlossLip known as ManBalm.

What’s ManBalm? It’s the time in all our lives where sports and celebrity collide, leaving a magical, translucent substance between our chin and nose. It’s entirely natural, so don’t be nervous. Trust me: the word “ManBalm” sounds rather disgusting at first, but with time I’m fairly confident it will deviate from gross-sounding to merely disappointing. Much like a date with me.

Nobody’s quite sure if we’ll evolve from athletes’ encounters with non-athletic train wreck celebrities to simply making up goofy shit about ballplayers (”Brett Favre once ate an entire feral pig!”). It depends on how the mood strikes us. For ManBalm’s maiden voyage, we’re just gonna play it safe with athletes and celebrities by tabbing one from each column — ones with whom their fans are on a first name basis, but probably not vice versa — Britney and Kobe.

Part of Britney Spears’ integration back into the world of celibacy — pardon me, that should be “celebrity” — is to do what many a Los Angelian do: attend Lakers games. The Staples Center has been a staple of Jack Nicholson’s routine for some time now, and how many of you dare make fun of Jack? (Besides the eight of you that saw Mars Attacks?)

So she’s giving it a whirl. Last week she and a couple friends watched the Lakers lose to the Houston Rockets on March 31. The mere fact that she was seen in public isn’t news. What is news, however, is the effect her presence had on Kobe Bryant’s game that night:

• Bryant shot the ball 44 times. The rest of his team? 44.
• Bryant finished with 53 points. The rest of his team? 51.
• And, as I said, the Lakers lost.

She then went on to attend the April 1 game against the Sacremento Kings, this time wearing the official Bryant jersey. This time the Lakers won 126-103, but at what price? Bryant only scored 19 points.

More mysterious coincidences:

• Kobe Bryant’s jersey number (which he changed this year) is 24, which is oddly enough how much time each day, in hours, Britney Spears doesn’t spend on yard work.
• Spears is a female, and Kobe Bryant, a male, is married to a female, who he cheated on with a different female.
• Spears kept asking her friends how Lakers forward Luke Walton is in well enough shape to be in this game, when that show was “like, 25 years ago.” This isn’t really a coincidence, nor does it apply to Kobe, and to boot I just made it up. But this joke fit nowhere else in this post, and I refuse to cut punch lines that only I find funny.

At this point in history I cannot come up with any certifiable conclusions about Kobe Bryant based on Britney Spears attending Lakers games. I will need more evidence than I currently have, which is zero.