We here at GlossLip are not immune to the plethora of lovey-dovey sentiments that rain down on Valentine’s Day (or, as it is more commonly known, The Day Card, Chocolate, And Flower Companies Recoup All Their Losses For The Year Day). So, we decided to see just which Conversation Hearts our favorite celebs might be receiving this V-Day.
And yes, these are actual sayings off actual Conversation Hearts that I purchased at an actual store and am actually munching on now. I have sat here and laboriously picked through them, searching for just the right ones, drawing from a bowl purchased specifically for this auspicious occasion. Oh, the sacrifices I make for my art.
I just wanted you to know that I’ve been very, very, very good this year and I have not been bad at all…at least, not so’s you’d notice. I can explain about that time I hollered at that old grandma in Wal-Mart. And there’s a perfectly good reason why I tailgated that guy on my way to church this week. And I swear, I didn’t mean to be so nasty when that teenager working at Taco Bell forgot my chili cheese burrito. There is a perfectly good explanation for all of this.
I’m just a wee bit crazy.
So, if you can overlook that, and realize that I really am trying, and that I have a good heart (that I’d like to get healthier), then you can understand why this is all I am asking for this year as my Christmas present. You see, my badonkadonk has a bit more kadonk that I like, and I want to get it in shape. But who has time, now that I am writing for GlossLip? I barely have time to work in my three-hour daily nap, my afternoon carb overload, and my midnight Moon Pie odyssey, let alone find a chance to get on the treadmill. This could solve all my problems. Yes, I do need to learn how to type and walk at the same time, but I recently mastered the art of walking and thinking about where I am going, so I am pretty sure I can do it.
I know it is going to run about $6500 USD, but think of the joy you’ll give me when I find this under the Christmas tree. And I promise, if you bring me one, I won’t write that piece about you and those suspicious “reindeer games”. Hey, I can understand how these things happen, but I’m just sayin’, that’s all. You forgot the numero uno rule of celebrityism…never record in any way what you don’t want to come back to haunt you.
Have a nice Christmas. I’ll try to remember not to eat all the chocolate chip cookies and to leave you a couple.
In what has to be one of the most glaring examples of irony ever witnessed on camera, a security video camera captured a small child destroy a work of painstakingly created art within seconds.
The art piece called a “mandala,” was part of eight Tibetan monks year-long tour of the United States in their effort to raise money to rebuild their monastery in Tibet. Sadly, their original had been destroyed. The ”sitting” monks had already spent two days working on their masterpiece, using special techniques, colored sand and intense concentration. This particular display was meant to depict compassion, and the practice, like much of Buddhist training, is designed to teach patience.
The surveillance camera shows the small child slip in under the protective rope (that said “Do Not Cross) after the monks had left for the day. They were only halfway through their creation when the tyke sauntered over, innocently enough, examined and then did a sweet little Fred Astaire number on the piece.
This is completely typical of little kids (which is why I keep mine in cuffs and on a leash - seriously!), but what makes this story so endearing is the monks reaction to the overly-harsh criticism leveled at their creative endeavors:
“No problem,” Geshe Lobsang Sumdup, leader of the group from the Drepung Gomang Monastery in southern India, said through a translator. “We didn’t get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder.”
My mother, who is a practicing Buddhist would say this response is typical. Buddhism which is more complicated than my wee brain can handle, seems to embrace some sort of intricate philosophy that is best described as “when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade “ and I could totally hear my mom saying something worldy and wise like: “There is a significant meaning in watching something you meticulously struggled to create, only to have it destroyed by a young soul seeking to become one with the work.”
To which my response would be: “Really Mom? I was thinking about rubbing some sand in his eyes.”
Clearly, I am still struggling to surmount my inner rage.
North Carolina’s Duke University can breathe a small sigh of relief as news filters out of the remaining charges against three of its Lacrosse players are dropped. The highly controversial rape case not only brought scrutiny to the students involved, but the school and its administration as a whole.
From the beginning, all three players claimed their innocence - emphatically - and it would seem now there may be a moment of vindication for they and their families. The prosecution disclosed there just wasn’t enough conclusive evidence that a crime was committed.
North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper on the new findings:
The result of our review and investigation shows clearly that there is insufficient evidence to proceed on any of the charges. Today, we are filing notices of dismissal for all charges. We believe that these cases were the result of a tragic rush to accuse and a failure to verify serious allegations. Based on the significant inconsistencies between the evidence and the various accounts given by the accusing witness, we believe these three individuals are innocent of these charges.”
Initially, charges of first-degree forcible rape, sexual offense and kidnapping were brought up on the three players, Reade Seligmann, Collin Finnerty and the team’s captain David Evans, but the rape charges were dropped when DNA evidence could not link the players to accuser.
The accuser encountered the three men after she was hired as a stripper for a party they were having. There were accusations of racism throughout the case as the three men were white and the accuser was black. Some believe that at some point people at the party had made racial remarks to the accuser (who’s name was protected) and her friend, another stripper. They concluded the rape case was created as retaliation.
The truth is we may never know what *really* sparked the charges of rape, but apparently these men weren’t guilty of what they were charged with.
I’ll bet they’re guilty of throwing wild parties and banging hotties though. Just a guess. (see above for photo evidence)
ABC plans to make a half hour sitcom based on Geico’s ”cavemen in the modern world” commercials. Which at first seems like a good idea, but I predict it will end up sucking, as that kind of shtick is best in a 30-second format.
Back when I was allowed to work around other people, (gag orders, ongoing legal issues, blah blah blah) it was the classic lure.
You’d be sitting at your desk, looking at porn, sometimes sleeping and suddenly the waft of jelly filled donuts and onion bagels would tantalize your senses and you would find yourself face to face with co-workers, which always led to awkward chit chat like “Hey did you get that memo about Johnson?” and they would say “Yeah, I always thought that guy was a Nazi” and I’d say, “A Nazi? I thought it was corporate espionage?” and they’d say “No seriously, he had a swastika for a screensaver and some sort of WWII era grenades in his desk.”
And then my day would be totally ruined, all because of some sweet confections and the fact that I made out with that Nazi once at happy hour. Luckily, now I get to work at home, and I barely notice this ankle bracelet anymore.
During a radio interview with Miami Sports Coumnist Dan Le Batard, former NBA forward Tim Hardaway let loose his inner feelings about gays when asked how he’d feel playing on a team with a teammate who was gay. This whole debate was brought up in response to a new book written by former NBA center John Amaechi, who writes about his life in the NBA as a closeted gay man.
Here’s what Tim had to say about the matter:
“First of all, I wouldn’t want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would really distance myself from him because, uh, I don’t think that is right. I don’t think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room. But stuff like that is going on and there’s a lot of other people I hear that are like that and still in the closet and don’t want to come out of the closet, but you know I just leave that alone.”
And in case that was too ambiguous, he continued to open his heart more about gays:
“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”
So what, he doesn’t like gays. The guy has the right doesn’t he?
When I was asked about Tim Hardaway and how would I feel about him being in my carpool, I had this to say:
“First of all, I wouldn’t want him in my car. And second of all, if that tall motherfucker was in my car, I would ram it into a telephone pole, because I don’t think that dribbling nonsense they do is right. It’s like voodoo or something. I don’t think he should be in any cars, let his ass walk everywhere and get splashed when it’s wet. Who wants his lanky ass around messing up my floormats and whatnot? I hear they try and slump down and pretend they’re shorter, but they ain’t foolin’ nobody. I don’t bother with his kind, I’d just shove him out of my car. Or maybe leave him in there with the windows rolled up, on a hot day, scrunched up and panting.”
“You know truth is, I heard basketball players are notorious thieves. And wife-beaters. And rapists. I am procerusphobic. And I don’t like gangly-tatted free-throwers. Why shouldn’t they pay for their throws? That shit is un-American and causes global-warming. We should shoot their asses into space.”
Anybody got a problem with that? I didn’t think so.
Saturday Night Live featured a Digital Short titled “Sloths.” I don’t possess enough words in my vocabulary to describe how outrageously strange it is. You really will have to see it and experience it for yourselves. Then you can ”hire a dog to burn down a hospital and kill all your friends and ride their corpses like a carousel.”
Radar Online has a disturbing, yet hilarious list of Valentine’s Day gifts available to share with your special loved one. And by special, I mean that person in your life who you want to send a very unambiguous and succinct message which states, “It’s Time To Take Out A Restraining Order.”
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