UPDATE:  CRAP CRAP CRAP.  Why did he have to turn out to be a Scientologist???  I am seriously ticked off.

I suppose I need to do a search every time I write a story about a celeb to see if they belong to the CoS or not.

However, I won’t delete the article because the essence of it is truth.

YES!  A celebrity who isn’t accepting money for shots of their baby.  Usher, who posed for FREE with his son for the upcoming cover of Essence magazine, said there’s no way he’d pimp out his kid for cash:

FINALLY, there’s one celebrity who refuses to cash in on parenthood by selling baby pictures to a magazine. “In no way would I ever pimp out my child for money,” Usher told Page Six.

The pop singer - upset by rumors he was trying to sell photos of his infant son, Usher Raymond V, and eager to defend his wife, Tameka, and his upcoming album, “Here I Stand” - wants to set the record straight.

“I am livid that people talk about my child,” Usher told us. In fact, he has posed - for free - with his son for an “incredible” Father’s Day cover for Essence magazine.

“What makes you a man more than being a father to your child? I recognize I gave anonymity away when I became an artist, but to have people try to paint a horrible picture of what’s so beautiful - it’s obvious someone is trying to stop something so beautiful.”

Now there is a celebrity who’s ideas I can totally get behind.  What he said about anonymity is so true…Usher chose this lifestyle, as so many celebs do, but their kids don’t choose it.  Seriously, he could teach people like Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie and Denise Richards and all the other so-called “stars” who whore out their kids for dough a thing or two.

And true…even though Brangelina donated the money they got for the pics of Shiloh to charity (and probably will do the same with shots of the pending baby), the offer of money was still made and they still took it.  Donating the money isn’t wrong…being offered millions of dollars for a shot of a BABY is wrong.  What makes these magazine editors think that a shot of a celeb baby is more important than shots of any other baby in the world, that they have to offer millions of dollars for it?

Oh yeah, the gullibility of the public to swallow any pablum they decide to shove at us and to feed the egos of the celebrities.  What was I thinkin’?

[images removed…People was not happy] 

Or even as much as the dearly deceased Anna Nicole Smith’s.  While Anna’s babydaddy took home a cool $1.7M for photos of the wonky-eyed Dannielynn (don’t be hatin’ on me, she’s adorable, and the eye can be fixed) and Jennifer Lopez and hubby Marc Anthony have reportedly pocketed an embarrassing $6M for photos of their twins, Christina has allegedly had to be content with a paltry $1.5M and no boost in sales of the magazine which paid it:

After giving birth to her son, Max, Christina Aguilera threw a tantrum, according to a source close to the pop star, and fired her day-to-day manager, one of her assistants and her publicity firm BWR.

Christina was quite possibly peeved that the photos of her son did nothing to improve the newsstand sales of the People magazine. Maybe she was jealous that she only pocketed $1.5 million for the tot shots — less than the $1.7 million paid for photos of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn.

Regardless, X-tina went bananas. “She went crazy,” says an astonished source. While BWR also reps J.Lo, the source said, the firm wasn’t part of the team that secured Friday’s $6 million payout for photos of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s twins.

I can tell you why sales of People didn’t skyrocket when Christina’s photo was on the cover…it’s because we don’t care.  Zing!

Not only that, but babymama Nicole Richie is also said to be unhappy that nobody wants to pay top dollar for pictures of little Harlow, who by this point has outgrown her prime photo-selling newborn stage and is getting a bit long in the gum for picture-shopping:

New mom Nicole Richie is also showing symptoms of PPP [postpartum panic], but she is sparing her beleaguered publicists at BWR, placing all the pressure on her longtime manager Benny Medina to find her the biggest possible baby-pix payday.

A source close to the action said Richie is acting “cheap” and trying to wring every cent she can out of the deal.

Okay.  Let’s get something straight here.  I had the cutest newborns ever birthed, and you so-called starlets will just have to settle for second best.

But seriously.  I reiterate my statement that I will personally donate $100 to the charity of choice (even something as frivolous as the “Save The Manolos Foundation”) of any celebrity who comes outside, asks the assembled press if they’d like a shot of the baby, and then come outside and stand for a few minutes with said baby (probably best behind a fence, definitely best with a bodyguard or two) so that some photos can be taken.  Or if they will use the digital camera to snap some candid photos of Junior, run off some copies on the computer, and pass them out to the pap horde assembled outside.  No muss, no fuss, no fanfare, no zillion-dollar payouts, and most importantly…no pimping of the child to mass media.

What are these people going to do with that money, anyway?  Is Christina planning on opening an inner-city mother and child wellness center?  Will Nicole donate her money (all of it) to the Richie-Madden Children’s Foundation?  Will any other pregnant starlet donate all their money to any charitable organization…without press and fanfare, without even letting anyone know that they got paid to begin with?

After all, a newborn is a newborn is a newborn.  Some have more hair than others, some have lighter skin and some have darker skin, some are chubbier and some are leaner, but basically…they all look the same.  Little wrinkly things with floppy necks that drool and poop and sleep.  Look at that photo of Christina and baby Max.  Sure, Max is a cutie, but the photo is all about Christina, with her perfectly coiffed hair, Photoshopped skin, and come-hither gaze.  If it wasn’t, then she would look like the rest of us when we posed with our newborns for pics…with baggy, bloodshot eyes, spotty skin, no makeup, hair that hasn’t been washed since before we went into labor, an old comfy bathrobe tossed on over a nursing gown with two big wet spots on the front, and a big goofy smile on our face because we have the most precious thing in the world in our hands.

Certain starlets would do well to remember that you can’t put a price on a baby.

Dear Nicole:

You don’t know me, but I’m k, and I write for GlossLip.  Wait…don’t run off!  I’m not that kind of celeb reporter!

Anyway, I wanted to address the photos of you taken the other night as you and husband Joel Madden went to a party.  Everyone is saying how pale you look, how thin you already are (just two weeks after little Harlow joined you!), and how they are afraid you are sliding back into some sort of bad self-image which might cause you to revisit the mindset behind those horrible skeletal photos taken of you in the time previous to your pregnancy.

But wait, there’s more…

I’ll admit I have only the vaguest idea of who Joel Madden is (sorry, I don’t listen to whatever music it is he plays), but I do know that he’s shacking up with Nicole Richie, and that they recently had a baby girl, the adorably-if-unwieldy-named Harlow Winter Kate Madden.  He recently rhapsodized about love and life and babies on his blog:

I swear it’s so hard to leave during the day, but always so rewarding to come home to the little family. I’ve always been a guy who loves to love.Probably one of the things that define me outside of my work is LOVE. I had no idea what love even was until Harlow came along.

Me and her mother feel like the luckiest two people alive right now. This time in our life has been amazing. We both look at our little girl every single moment everyday and know there is nothing we wouldn’t do to protect her and her perfect little innocence. It seems like you turn on the tv, or get online and its all bad news.

We dont want her to know any of that yet. I actually never want her to know any of the pain and suffering we see out in the world everyday,  or how harsh people can be as a result of it. Having this baby has really made me realize we all start out that way, then somewhere along the way something happens and people go one way or the other. But all started out sweet and innocent just like my little daughter. The world could really make you bitter if you let it, but thats where music, and art come in to save the day.

You’ve got to surround yourself with the things you love. The whole point to DCMA and this site is a bunch of us friends doing what we love, surrounding ourselves with positivity. I want my kid to grow up around that.

Well, okay, Joel.  I’ll accept that there’s just been a new baby come into your life, and it’s always wonderful to welcome a new, wanted, loved little life into the world.  So, as a seasoned veteran of the parenting wars, let me give you a little advice, okay?  It’s offered with the best of intentions, really.

First of all, if you want to protect her innocence, the first thing you need to do is get out of the Hollyweird, crazy, fakery-driven lifestyle that you and Nicole are smack in the middle of.  I applaud the fact that you quit smoking to protect the health of mama and baby, but there are more dangerous things to worry about than second-hand smoke.  Find a quiet place to live, preferably far from the glittering lights.  Keep Harlow out of the public eye as much as possible, and give her a chance to live a relatively normal life (as much as is possible with two famous parents).

Next, you’re going to have to realize that as much as you want to, you can’t protect her from knowing about the bad things that go on in the world.  In fact, as she gets older, it opens up opportunities for you to talk about how there are bad things that happen, but here’s how to appropriately handle it when they do, and here’s how to keep them from happening or how to keep her from participating in them herself.  Trying to shield her from all bad news will just bring up a child who has a warped view of the world, and when she finally does step out on her own she will be totally lost.  Music and art are nice, but it’s entirely too hippie-child to think they can “save the day”.  I’m a musician and artist myself, but even I know that, at best, they just make the day bearable.

Finally, keep Paris Hilton away from her.  I’m serious.  There’s nothing good Paris could possibly offer her, except to serve as an example of what NOT to do or what NOT to grow up to be like.  Seriously, look at Paris and think, “Will that be Harlow in sixteen years?”

That should be enough right there to scare you into a private cabin surrounded by razor wire on 100 acres in the middle of Wyoming.

With 2008 just around the corner, we must find an appropriate way to wrap up 2007’s top celeb stories. Oh boy, and what a year it was. 2007, or “The Year of the Dimwitted Bimbos” as I like to call it, saw the death of one icon, and the re/afterbirth of another icon.

In between Anna Nicole Smith’s death and Britney Spears mental disintegrate we have Paris Hilton going to jail, Lindsay Lohan crashing and burning with dual attempts at rehab, several celeb DUI’s and of course, to round out the year in celebrity nonsensical behavior, we have Britney Spears kid sister Jamie Lynn Spears announcing she is not only pregnant at 16, but she’s keeping her baby!

Papa don’t preach, because that’s my job.

Join Confessions of a Fanboy’s Josh Hathaway, and with any luck, Blogcritics Eric Olsen as we assail, discuss this year’s top celeb stories!

Apparently, over fifty years of refuted clinical scientific data means nothing when you are a celebrity. Clearly having a healthy baby means nothing to certain celebs either.

An article in the New York Post states a very pregnant Nicole Richie has been seen smoking on at least two occasions. Of course we can only imagine what she does when people aren’t around to catch her in the act. Ts, tsk, I really had hoped she’d have better sense. Then again, she’s probably prepping her body for that post-baby weight-loss diet of ciggies and diet Red Bull. You can never be too thin, too rich or too stupid in Hollywood.

Cindy Adams says:

MOMMY-to-be Nicole Richie. 3:30 p.m. Pony tail, black jeans, waistcoat. Exits DaSilvano with one young girl, one middle-age lady. On the sidewalk, after checking who’s at which outdoor tables, she lights up. They jump into a waiting black Caddy Escalade, Nicole into the front seat. Still smoking.

Three days later, 7:30 p.m., Nobu. For somebody who doesn’t eat, she sure frequents lots of restaurants. She’s there with the baby in the bun’s father. They leave. Outside she lights up again.

Now, two cigarettes doesn’t necessarily equal a premature baby, a baby with asthma, an underweight baby or any other host of issues that smoking while pregnant can cause. But it doesn’t help either. I won’t get into the various degrees of how gross and unhealthy smoking is for an adult, because by now, we all know the dangers of smoking.

But to expose your unborn child to any needless toxins shows a real lack of maternal instincts, a vast degree of selfishness and absolutely ZERO discipline.

Whatever, chances were pretty good her baby is already at a major disadvantage anyway, just look at the parents.

In this day and age of decadence and hedonism, personal vice is measured on a sliding scale. Perhaps this a good thing. As a society we finally seem to be cracking down on violent crimes and slacking off on “victimless” crimes, and by “victimless” I mean where no one was actually harmed, even if the potential to do so was exceedingly high.

As I stated in an earlier post, Nicole Richie is practically a genius and a saint compared to her celebu-peers. Not only did she avoid most of the road-bumps her best pal Paris Hilton managed hit at full speed, she essentially escaped her brush with the law unscathed, having spent a mere 82 minutes being incarcerated.  Justice is served yo!

According to TMZ, the virtual authority on all things celebrity these days, here is the official statement from the L.A. County Sheriff’s office:

On August 23 2007, at 3:15 PM Miss Nicole Camille Richie reported to CRDF and surrendered herself following a July 27 arrest, she was sentenced to serve 96 hours in County Jail. Miss Richie was accompanied by her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley and her boyfriend Joel Madden. Miss Richie was booked and processed into the jail system. Miss Richie was cooperative during the process. Based on her sentence and federal court guidelines, Miss Richie was released at 4:37 PM today.

So there you have it. Miss Richie was cooperative. Also, she’s a celebrity and more likely than not, poses no threat to society (if you don’t include The Simple Life) and with fingers crossed, let’s hope she’s learned her lesson. Buh, bye!

What about Lindsay Lohan? Yesterday was also a big day for her legal entanglements, and like Nicole, she fared quite well despite a number of possible outcomes.

If you will recall, Lindsay was busted a few weeks back for her second DUI and as well as, another cocaine possession charge in less than three months. After an amazing display of legal finagling, Lindsay’s lawyer Blair Berk had all of Lindsay’s charges reduced to misdemeanors and in the end Lindsay ended up with a 1-day sentence in jail (plus community service, probation, fines and mandatory drug and alcohol treatment.)  Most likely Lindsay won’t even end up serving the entire 24-hours, because she like Nicole, didn’t try to fight it in court and instead copped a plea deal.

Initially, Lindsay denied any wrong-doing the day after her incident, but then released this statement yesterday to TMZ:

“It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.”

Well, Lindsay it’s about time your PR people craft a statement that reflects the reality of your current situation. You my dear, are a drug addict and an alcoholic. This is not some random incident that you mistakenly stepped into, this is the status quo of someone who lives their life indulging in excesses and takes zero responsibility for their actions — however dangerous and irresponsible those actions may be. I sincerely hope that you believe those words above and take them seriously. Your talent is undeniable, but LOADS and LOADS of people have talent. You are nothing special unless you take an active part in becoming so.

The most telling quote regarding the leniency that was shown Lohan came from a law enforcement source:

“Prosecutors in this county see a lot of kids in crisis. There are lots of kids struggling with addiction. The first sign of trouble usually involves a car. We’re not going to throw every one of them in prison. It doesn’t make sense.”

And that’s exactly right. Lindsay’s age, highly visible profile and profoundly f*cked up family contributed greatly to her downfall. Her parents Dina and Michael Lohan are already on the Dark Lord’s (not Voldemort, the other guy) list of bad, bad, bad people. Their greed, selfishness and utter incompetence as parents are to blame for most of Lindsay’s issues. At the tender age of 21, you typically shouldn’t see this type of self-destructive behavior unless A.) you have mental problems or B.) your parents suck ass.

In Lindsay’s case, there’s a heavy emphasis on B and probably a sprinkling of A.

Besides her ability to reproduce, Nicole Richie has one thing her peers seem unwilling to grasp: humility. Now, this isn’t to say that she is some kind of saint, but in her world of coke, booze and whoring it up, Richie has become a veritable well-spring of chastity, heck, she’s become so demure she’s like a modern day Audrey Hepburn.

Ok, perhaps I jest on that last bit.

Seriously though, when you look at Richie’s celeb-peers like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Nicole Richie seems to get it. Or at least her PR people do. In a recent interview (OK!) Nicole is quoted on the cover as saying “I could have killed someone,” in response to her DUI and reckless driving on the freeway back in February. Nicole also confessed to her wrong-doing at the time of her accident, admitting to police that, yes, she was under the influence of vicodin and marijuana by-golly.

Granted, her excuse for using the painkiller and illegal substance was somewhat dubious (painful menstral cramps) she did own up to it on the spot. She gets points in my book for having at least done that. It’s been my experience that when caught doing something wrong, the best response is to tell the truth from the beginning. People aren’t expecting it, and truthfulness is a fairly noble trait. We all sin, no doubt, but coming clean and admitting you sinned is the first step to being forgiven.

Nicole’s admittance and acceptance of her poor judgment are in stark contrast to Lindsay Lohan’s blatant denial of wrong-doing in her recent spate of felonies, including, but certainly not limited to: speeding, driving while under the influence of alcohol and cocaine, commandeering a vehicle and holding the occupants of the vehicle hostage while she went on a driving rampage through the streets. Talk about “could have killed someone” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Lindsay Lohan’s was practically on her way to becoming some kind of vehicular serial killer.

Then of course there’s Paris Hilton and her whole “in and out” of jail bullshit. Hilton and her camp had the entire nation gripped in some kind retarded drama regarding her fate, as if the free-world’s security were dependent on her being released from jail before her weave became knotted and her manicure mussed. Paris, who has probably spent a small fortune on trying to revamp her image, need have done only ONE thing: accept her fate as it was handed to her. Had she done her time without complaint and kept her mouth shut — even Paris could have become a hero. Well, at least as far as wonky-eyed, narcissistic disease carriers go.

Then of course there’s Britney Spears. You have to ask yourself is it really fair to pick on someone with special needs? I suppose when they are parading themselves around like some sort of role model for young girls, it’s ok to criticize. Granted, Britney hasn’t been “caught” by the establishment (yet!) , but that’s simply because she is too stupid to be left to her own devices and is surrounded by minders and bodyguards much of the time. It would seem though, with the looming child custody hearings she’s about to be embroiled in, it is only a matter of time before the depth of her depravity and reckless behavior come to light.

Here’s the bottom line. Celebrities don’t have to live by the same standards as us regular folks. Our expectations on their behavior are really low. As long as they don’t rape babies, stab puppies and take dumps on the homeless, they can pretty much do whatever they please. But, geez when you DO get caught being a f*ck up, do us a favor and just admit you eff-ed up. We’ll forgive you, because we’re lame like that.

While I cannot independently confirm or deny this rumor, TMZ and In Touch Magazine feel comfortable enough to move forward, so that’s good enough for me.  

Nicole Richie is said to be about 3-months pregnant (and always the picture of health!!) and it is assumed that the child is her boyfriend’s, Joel Madden, frontman for the almost punk band Good Charlotte. 

If you will recall, Joel dated pop singer Hilary Duff a while back but broke up with her because she was too mature for his liking and expected him to, um, not act like a 12-year-old d-bag.  Sadly Madden, who is 27, was unable to acquiesce to Hilary’s (age 20) outrageous demands for age-appropriate behavior and the two broke up. Fortunately for Joel, Nicole Richie is 26 and is said to have the emotional maturity of a 7-year old, so if you do some quick math, (minus 5, carry the 2, subtract the 3) er that makes them perfect for each other.   And baby makes 3. 

Would I be going out on a limb here to say that this is the most selfish and pathetic attempt to avoid jailtime ever cooked up by two sh*tforbrains?  Rumors are that Nicole and Joel were “hoping” Nicole’s pregnancy would afford her some leniency during her upcoming court date on July 11 for a DUI arrest back in February.  Nicole was pulled over for driving the wrong way on the freeway.  She admitted to police that she had smoked marijuana and was on vicodin while driving - proving that she isn’t just a bad driver, but also a particular kind of stupid.

I can’t wait to see the outcome of this one - both the birth AND the court appearance.

GRRRRREAT! Two dumbasses breeding, the circle of life is complete.

Cripes, Armageddon can’t come soon enough.

An email from Nicole Richie has surfaced on the internet. Originally sent as an invite for a party she and a pal were throwing over the weekend for Memorial Day, it has now become the fodder for those who wish to see what lurks beneath her skin (and bones):

Now, while most sites are all up in arms about what message this sends to young girls about their body image, I am far more concerned that Nicole and her friends have no —– clue what Memorial Day means. What a heartwarming message that must send to our troops around the world, and those who’ve lost loved ones while they sacrificed themselves for the freedoms we now enjoy. Of course her rep said this:

“This invitation was sent via email to her friends who understand that she was responding in a joking manner to the constant untruths printed about her in the media. Her reference to Memorial Day was in no way meant to offend anyone but was simply an expression of her distaste for the current situation.”

What current situation? Her boney a** about to go to jail for DUI? The fact that I have sugar bags that weigh more than her? The fact that she is as classy as an off-off-off-OFF the strip Vegas whore? Whatevs!

Fact: My first grader came home last Friday and presented me with two items - A flag she made at school and insisted we post on the fridge, and a drawing of a bunch of crosses with a big American Flag flying protectively over them. She then said: “Memorial Day is for remembering those who died to protect us. We are really lucky to live in American aren’t we Mommy?”

Nicole Richie needs to be punched in her face, twice on Memorial Day for the rest of her life.

Oh, and she’s a huge fata**.